Friday, November 19, 2010
Study confirms Childhood trauma has life-long effect on genes and the brain
Study confirms effects of early environment in brains of suicide victims
McGill University and Douglas Institute scientists have discovered that childhood trauma can actually alter your DNA and shape the way your genes work. This confirms in humans earlier findings in rats, that maternal care plays a significant role in influencing the genes that control our stress response.
Using a sample of 36 brains; 12 suicide victims who were abused; 12 suicide victims who were not abused and 12 controls, the researchers discovered different epigenetic markings in the brains of the abused group. These markings influence the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) function, a stress-response which increases the risk of suicide.
This research builds upon findings published last May that showed how child abuse can leave epigenetic marks on DNA.
But, in this, the first study of its kind, Moshe Szyf, a professor in the Department of Pharmacology and Therapeutics; Gustavo Turecki, associate professor in the Department of Psychiatry who practices at the Douglas Mental Health University Institute; Michael Meaney, a professor in the Departments of Psychiatry and Neurology and Neurosurgery, who is also at the Douglas; and McGill postdoctoral research fellow Patrick McGowan have built on their world-renowned epigenetics work to uncover how parental care affects the DNA in the brains of a group of Quebec male suicide victims who suffered abuse as children. The all-McGill study is set to be published in the February 22, issue of the journal Nature Neuroscience.
“We know from clinical experience that a difficult childhood can have an impact on the course of a person’s life”, said Dr. Turecki.
“Now we are starting to understand the biological implications of such psychological abuse,” added Dr. Szyf.
“The function of our DNA is not as fixed as previously believed, said Dr. Meaney. “The interaction between the environment and the DNA plays a crucial role in determining our resistance to stress thus the risk for suicide. Epigenetic marks are the product of this interaction.”
Epigenetics is the study of changes in the function of genes that don’t involve changes in the sequences of DNA. The DNA is inherited from our parents; it remains fixed throughout life and is identical in every part of the body. During gestation and even later in development, however, the genes in our DNA are marked by a chemical coating called DNA methylation. These marks are somewhat sensitive to one’s environment, especially early in life. The epigenetic marks punctuate the DNA and program it to express the right genes at the appropriate time and place.
The researchers discovered that maternal care influences hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) function in the rat through epigenetic programming of certain receptors in the brain. In humans, child abuse alters HPA stress responses and increases the risk for suicide.
In previous studies in laboratory rats, the group proved that simple maternal behaviour such as mothers who licked their pups during early childhood has a profound effect on the epigenetic marks on specific genes and effects on behaviour in ways that are sustained throughout life. However, these effects on gene expression and stress responses can also be reversed in adult life through treatments known to affect the epigenetic mark known as DNA methylation.
The brain samples in the latest study came from the Quebec Suicide Brain Bank, administered by Dr. Turecki of the Douglas Mental Health University Institute. With the support of the Bureau du Coroner du Québec (Office of the Chief Medical Examiner), the McGill Group for Suicide Studies (MGSS) founded the Quebec Suicide Brain Bank (QSBB) at the Douglas Mental Health University Institute, to promote studies on the phenomenon of suicide. Research carried out on brain tissue can help develop intervention and prevention programs to help people suffering mental distress and who are at risk of committing suicide.
The research was funded by the Canadian Institutes for Health Research and the National Institute of Child Health and Development (USA).
Contact:
•Marie france Coutu
,
Douglas Institute
-
Tel.: 514 761-6131 Ext. 2769
•Cynthia Lee,
Media Relations Office
-
Tel.: 514.398.6754
See also:
•Development and Alumni Relations (DAR)
•Health and medicine
•News releases
•Research
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Abuse Beneath The Sheets
Abuse Beneath The Sheets
Onto the bed and out goes the light
Repeat the same tricks again tonight
Dirty fingers creep under the sheet
Leave the child with secrets to keep
Guilt and sadness mix with fear
Screams so loud that no one hears
Damaged child, it’s alright
The sinner isn’t home tonight
Keep holding on, a little bit longer
Because what doesn’t kill only makes you stronger
Poem by False-Pretense
Onto the bed and out goes the light
Repeat the same tricks again tonight
Dirty fingers creep under the sheet
Leave the child with secrets to keep
Guilt and sadness mix with fear
Screams so loud that no one hears
Damaged child, it’s alright
The sinner isn’t home tonight
Keep holding on, a little bit longer
Because what doesn’t kill only makes you stronger
Poem by False-Pretense
Depression
Depression
© By will pharis
Alone and depressed, dwelling on the absence of success. I trudge trough life focused on nothing but strife. Every now and then hope shines through only to be repressed by the things that make me blue. When people try to help I close my mind for they are also blind. Time after time I ignore everyone and their cliche lines. If people were clever the world would could last forever. Unfortunately conformity has unconsciously been proclaimed the better.
© By will pharis
Alone and depressed, dwelling on the absence of success. I trudge trough life focused on nothing but strife. Every now and then hope shines through only to be repressed by the things that make me blue. When people try to help I close my mind for they are also blind. Time after time I ignore everyone and their cliche lines. If people were clever the world would could last forever. Unfortunately conformity has unconsciously been proclaimed the better.
Damaged
Damaged
© By James Griffus
Desperately wanting the nightmare to end.
Unable to heal,
Unable to mend.
Repressed pain of the past,
Comes to haunt me at last.
My sanity sinking,
And I'm tied to the mast.
Never asking for this.
I was given no choice.
Abused and disposed of,
And left with no voice.
Stripped of trust.
Deprived of self worth.
Locked away in my own,
Private hell on earth.
I need to get out.
I have to break free.
But it all seems so hopeless,
Because I can't find the key.
12/15/2008 JLG
© By James Griffus
Desperately wanting the nightmare to end.
Unable to heal,
Unable to mend.
Repressed pain of the past,
Comes to haunt me at last.
My sanity sinking,
And I'm tied to the mast.
Never asking for this.
I was given no choice.
Abused and disposed of,
And left with no voice.
Stripped of trust.
Deprived of self worth.
Locked away in my own,
Private hell on earth.
I need to get out.
I have to break free.
But it all seems so hopeless,
Because I can't find the key.
12/15/2008 JLG
All Alone
All Alone
© By Ethan Pandolfi
I float in a pool of darkness
Cold presses in on me
I am alone
Floating aimlessly
I reach for sparks of hope
But rather than warm
They only burn
I ache with sorrow
I hunger to leave
To escape
To leave this prison
I crave to be free
To be heard
To be loved
© By Ethan Pandolfi
I float in a pool of darkness
Cold presses in on me
I am alone
Floating aimlessly
I reach for sparks of hope
But rather than warm
They only burn
I ache with sorrow
I hunger to leave
To escape
To leave this prison
I crave to be free
To be heard
To be loved
Life Is A Prison
Life Is A Prison
by Puff
Life is a prison,
Oh God let me out.
No one to listen,
To hear when you shout.
Climb the walls of insanity,
Ride the waves of despair.
If you fall it don't matter,
There's no one to care.
Used to wish for a window,
To see birds, trees and sky,
But you're better without one -
Stops you aiming too high.
Watching freedom is painful,
For those locked away.
Seeing joy, love and happiness,
Another price that you pay.
Strong is good, weak is bad.
Be it false, be it true.
Your mind makes the choice,
And enforces it too.
Cell walls built by society,
With rules to adhere.
If you breach the acceptable,
You had better beware.
Hide the pain, carry on,
Routine is the key.
Don't let on that you're not,
What you're pretending to be.
Lock it all up inside you,
How badly that bodes.
Look out for that one day,
When it all just explodes.
Leaving naught but a shell,
Base functionality too.
But killing all else,
That was uniquely you.
So how do you grow,
With a timebomb inside?
Or how to defuse it,
Without destroying its ride?
You can't.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
a goal of mine
Learn to let go
I need to work through my childhood secrets and put a voice to my past so others may get help from me having a voice a never have had. it may help them gain some hope from it. This is a difficult for me and I am hoping to really be able to work through alot of this stuff and get something from it all and hopefully am able to give back some hope to others who are like myself and have secrets hidden within afriad to give a voice to them. I know that with exposure brings more pain before the peace will come and sometimnes that is scary. For me this is not the first time I have tried to work through this stuff in life and I am sure it is not the last time but I hope it will help me and I will stick with it long enough for me to gain the strength others in the world have by letting the secrets out and working through the pain that I have run from and avoided for so many years. I want to be able to give back and cannot do that until I have done the work I need to do and gotten through what I need to get through before trying to help others get through the same kinds of issues. I want to be able to be others rock when they need a rock when they feel just as I have felt over the years. I am in therapy but never really have dealt with any of it as I should have done many years ago when I had the chance. But instead I avoid and ran from it all keeping it burried and hidden inside my soal. I also am hoping to really do some work with my therapist on this stuff and since I now have what I beliee is a supportive treatmnet team and very good and workable encouraging but assertive mental health support worker. She seems to be someone I need in my life right now. Someone who will help me get things that need to get done done and not let me avoid issues I need to work on. I have alot I need to do and work on in life so I can become who I want to become and with her in my life as a support I may just become who I have desire to be. But who knows maybe she will get sick of my lack of motivation or my negativity and gve up on me just as everyone else does. But we will see. I am hoping all this will help me find some inner peace and maybe some confidence in myself and in life. Maybe I will find some joy in life and possible some inner happiness.
I need to work through my childhood secrets and put a voice to my past so others may get help from me having a voice a never have had. it may help them gain some hope from it. This is a difficult for me and I am hoping to really be able to work through alot of this stuff and get something from it all and hopefully am able to give back some hope to others who are like myself and have secrets hidden within afriad to give a voice to them. I know that with exposure brings more pain before the peace will come and sometimnes that is scary. For me this is not the first time I have tried to work through this stuff in life and I am sure it is not the last time but I hope it will help me and I will stick with it long enough for me to gain the strength others in the world have by letting the secrets out and working through the pain that I have run from and avoided for so many years. I want to be able to give back and cannot do that until I have done the work I need to do and gotten through what I need to get through before trying to help others get through the same kinds of issues. I want to be able to be others rock when they need a rock when they feel just as I have felt over the years. I am in therapy but never really have dealt with any of it as I should have done many years ago when I had the chance. But instead I avoid and ran from it all keeping it burried and hidden inside my soal. I also am hoping to really do some work with my therapist on this stuff and since I now have what I beliee is a supportive treatmnet team and very good and workable encouraging but assertive mental health support worker. She seems to be someone I need in my life right now. Someone who will help me get things that need to get done done and not let me avoid issues I need to work on. I have alot I need to do and work on in life so I can become who I want to become and with her in my life as a support I may just become who I have desire to be. But who knows maybe she will get sick of my lack of motivation or my negativity and gve up on me just as everyone else does. But we will see. I am hoping all this will help me find some inner peace and maybe some confidence in myself and in life. Maybe I will find some joy in life and possible some inner happiness.
Monday, November 15, 2010
I dont need anyone my time is coming
My time is coming and people claim they care but do I really matter? Why would they care? Why should they care? Why do they care if they really do?
All the people i have met in my life and all the friends I have made throughout the years where are they? where were they when I needed them? where are they now that I am alone and needed people here for me to help me make it through to get me out of this dark hole that seems as if it has no bottom.
My dark hole will end soon when my life ends. When I am gone. Then will people ten come out of the wood work and claim they cared that they were here for me that I mattered to them. That my kids mattered to them as much as the other kids in their lives? They will all say they tried to love me, they tried to help me, they tried to care about me...But did they really? Did they make the thoughts stop? Did they help me end my pain? Did they try to help me get my kids back truly or did they only care about themselves and their lives including their jobs and just pretended to try to help me get my kids back. Was anyone really truly on my side when I was fighting a losing battle against a system that stigmatized me and consistantly and constantly provoked my symptoms to flare up. No one helped they only coaxed me into the obyss which ended in the loss of my children, te loss of my life.
one of my workers seems to have accepted the fact that i plan on attempting to take my lif soon and hope to succeed at the taking of my life althoulgh she wishes I would not and i woulkd find reason and meaning with life. She sees something in me that is not there but yet she cannot understand that all hope is gone.
My therapist seems to be taunting me into attempting to take my own life and hoping i fail so she can say see I told you so. As she has told me a few times overthe past couple sessions that I have tried in the past and told her many times before that I wanted to die and plan on killing myself and instead I have failed so why should she believe me this time. In a way it angers me that I have been seeing her for 4 years and she is the one I feel does not care the most. She is the one I feel appears the least concerned about my depressiona dn thinking and is being more of a pill pusher than the psychiatrist has been to me. She thinks pills will magically make me feel somewhat better and then that therapy will fix the rest but yet I have been in therapy since i was 4 years old and never been able to open pandoras box up and let my secrets have a voice to them and tell another human being about the shame i have inside and the shame i feel regarding my daughters violation. I can write about some of it which puts words to it but I cannot put a voice to it. I cannot face someone and speak of the dirtiness I was and still feel or the thoughts that run through my mind regarding why.
Then there is my family who has always pretended to care and love me on the surface but yet has damaged me the most by their lies, denial, hurtfulness, hatefullness, abuse, and lack of care and concern for me and my needs in life. They know none of what is happening with me nor do I want to them to know. They will find out when I do what I am goign to do and my plan is put into action. They then will have full control of my son again and I will not be there to interfere in their ways of raising him in which has never helped him but yet they insist that there way is the way he needs to be raised and he needs to be miserable all his life just because they want to control peoples happiness and misery just as they helped control my msiery my whole life until finally I had no happiness left inside for them to take.
Then there are people who claim to be friends of mine who put contingencies on me and the friendship so I feel I cannot truly reveal myself nor my real plans of suicide to them as they may just walk away from me before I do it and truly show me how much I never really mattered and they did not really care about me but only tried to brainwash me into their cultish ways as they do their own children and manipulate their own minds into believing their maniplations as truths. Reminds me so much of y husband who was manipulative, brainwashing, controlling, and abusive. Then the other people who claimed to be friends of mine through out my life who just disappeared on me and no longer responded to me when I called them and left messages checking on them. After all the things I tried to do for people to help them have better lives as I knew my life was not worth anything but maybe, just maybe their lives were worth something. Their lives were worth my effort, time, and help I offered and extended. i only wanted friendship or maybe not even friendship but just people to talk to once in a while who remebered me for the little stuff not for the craziness i do to impress people or make people like me because i feel no one does and it seems when i do them things they end up liking me until my craziness and trying to impress them with my wacky will crazi behavior turns into the real me. the depressed, lonely hopless no good person I am and everyone disappears. they all hae walked away from me. always ahve and always will I guess.
All the people i have met in my life and all the friends I have made throughout the years where are they? where were they when I needed them? where are they now that I am alone and needed people here for me to help me make it through to get me out of this dark hole that seems as if it has no bottom.
My dark hole will end soon when my life ends. When I am gone. Then will people ten come out of the wood work and claim they cared that they were here for me that I mattered to them. That my kids mattered to them as much as the other kids in their lives? They will all say they tried to love me, they tried to help me, they tried to care about me...But did they really? Did they make the thoughts stop? Did they help me end my pain? Did they try to help me get my kids back truly or did they only care about themselves and their lives including their jobs and just pretended to try to help me get my kids back. Was anyone really truly on my side when I was fighting a losing battle against a system that stigmatized me and consistantly and constantly provoked my symptoms to flare up. No one helped they only coaxed me into the obyss which ended in the loss of my children, te loss of my life.
one of my workers seems to have accepted the fact that i plan on attempting to take my lif soon and hope to succeed at the taking of my life althoulgh she wishes I would not and i woulkd find reason and meaning with life. She sees something in me that is not there but yet she cannot understand that all hope is gone.
My therapist seems to be taunting me into attempting to take my own life and hoping i fail so she can say see I told you so. As she has told me a few times overthe past couple sessions that I have tried in the past and told her many times before that I wanted to die and plan on killing myself and instead I have failed so why should she believe me this time. In a way it angers me that I have been seeing her for 4 years and she is the one I feel does not care the most. She is the one I feel appears the least concerned about my depressiona dn thinking and is being more of a pill pusher than the psychiatrist has been to me. She thinks pills will magically make me feel somewhat better and then that therapy will fix the rest but yet I have been in therapy since i was 4 years old and never been able to open pandoras box up and let my secrets have a voice to them and tell another human being about the shame i have inside and the shame i feel regarding my daughters violation. I can write about some of it which puts words to it but I cannot put a voice to it. I cannot face someone and speak of the dirtiness I was and still feel or the thoughts that run through my mind regarding why.
Then there is my family who has always pretended to care and love me on the surface but yet has damaged me the most by their lies, denial, hurtfulness, hatefullness, abuse, and lack of care and concern for me and my needs in life. They know none of what is happening with me nor do I want to them to know. They will find out when I do what I am goign to do and my plan is put into action. They then will have full control of my son again and I will not be there to interfere in their ways of raising him in which has never helped him but yet they insist that there way is the way he needs to be raised and he needs to be miserable all his life just because they want to control peoples happiness and misery just as they helped control my msiery my whole life until finally I had no happiness left inside for them to take.
Then there are people who claim to be friends of mine who put contingencies on me and the friendship so I feel I cannot truly reveal myself nor my real plans of suicide to them as they may just walk away from me before I do it and truly show me how much I never really mattered and they did not really care about me but only tried to brainwash me into their cultish ways as they do their own children and manipulate their own minds into believing their maniplations as truths. Reminds me so much of y husband who was manipulative, brainwashing, controlling, and abusive. Then the other people who claimed to be friends of mine through out my life who just disappeared on me and no longer responded to me when I called them and left messages checking on them. After all the things I tried to do for people to help them have better lives as I knew my life was not worth anything but maybe, just maybe their lives were worth something. Their lives were worth my effort, time, and help I offered and extended. i only wanted friendship or maybe not even friendship but just people to talk to once in a while who remebered me for the little stuff not for the craziness i do to impress people or make people like me because i feel no one does and it seems when i do them things they end up liking me until my craziness and trying to impress them with my wacky will crazi behavior turns into the real me. the depressed, lonely hopless no good person I am and everyone disappears. they all hae walked away from me. always ahve and always will I guess.
need to release the "fear" and put a voice to things rather than just words
I am up way to early. I slept outside on my porch. I needed the fresh air, but I awoke with so much in my head and on mymind and do not know where to start when I get to therapy today or how to blog about it on my blog. It is such a shame that ever week I have an aggender before therapy and plan on working on some "real" issues that "I" need to work on before feeling i will get any further in life but when I get there the "fear " inside me holds me from being able to do it. I just cannot put a voice to my abuse although I can put words to them on a blog but feel as if it is not enough as I get no real validation of my pain I feel from it
Wanting to remember the whole truth behind my pain
There is just so much on my mind this morning after sleeping out in the cold fresh air. I wonder how children learn about forgiveness and how we as adults learn if we were never taught how to forgive. I taught myself far too long how to forget and now I want to remember so that I can learn the real forgiveness but feel I cannot forgive if I do not know the whole truth of the pain inflicted upon my body and mind from those who were supposed to love me.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
It is hard for me to pick a specific person in my life who treated me like shit and made my life HELL since I believe it was a combination of so many people treating me like shit that made my life HELL. But I guess I will write about specific situations that specific people did to treat me like shit that made my life difficult and a living HELL to this day.
I will say though that I have probably been the one who has treated myself more like shit than anyone else has ever done to me. Well that is hard to weigh on a scale but I have not treated myself very good and made my own life worse than it would have been if I just nurtured myself and cared about myself more than I had and do. I have made my life more of a living HELL over the past few years than it should have been.
Growing up in a system where people come and go taught me that adults really did not care and could not be trusted to provide me with nurturance and were only going to leave me. This is where my abandonment issues come from. This very system also ripped me from my family, my parents and siblings and seperated us into different places. I went to residential where I learned to be an aggressive angry person. I do not like aggression but that was all I knew back then. That was how I knew to express myself as there were many adults there trying to control everything. To me the system treated me like shit and made my life back then a living hell.
Then there is my abusers. The sexual abusers who took my trust in people and the world away and I still have been unable to regain this fully. They also made me feel dirty. I feel there is something wrong with me sexually and I cringe just thinking of myself as a sexually being. Their treatment of me as a sex figure for them and to satisfy their sexual desires now has caused me to feel as if that is the only thing I am good for in a mans life. I feel empty most of the time and feel worthless. I feel as if my life is not my own. They stol my life and made my life a living HELL from a very early age.
The physical mental and emotional abuser that treated me like shit and made my life a living hell lives in a state of denial as to how she affected me and my life. It is difficult for me to continue a relationship and not rehash every hurtful word she ever told me. But yet her words echo in my mind many times throughout my life as I fight life each day and strive to overcome her downgrades and the living Hell I live in because the words she spoke to me on the occasions she said them to me. They stuck more than than anything else since I barely remember anything else besides the hurtful things she said and did to me in my life. Though I know she was the one who fought the state to get us out of the system for many years while my sperm donor moved on abandoning us to have more kids and another family.
Still there is more but I have had enough negativity in this regarding my life of Hell and do not wish to speak of anymore of the people who treat me like shit right now and who make my life HELL.
I will say though that I have probably been the one who has treated myself more like shit than anyone else has ever done to me. Well that is hard to weigh on a scale but I have not treated myself very good and made my own life worse than it would have been if I just nurtured myself and cared about myself more than I had and do. I have made my life more of a living HELL over the past few years than it should have been.
Growing up in a system where people come and go taught me that adults really did not care and could not be trusted to provide me with nurturance and were only going to leave me. This is where my abandonment issues come from. This very system also ripped me from my family, my parents and siblings and seperated us into different places. I went to residential where I learned to be an aggressive angry person. I do not like aggression but that was all I knew back then. That was how I knew to express myself as there were many adults there trying to control everything. To me the system treated me like shit and made my life back then a living hell.
Then there is my abusers. The sexual abusers who took my trust in people and the world away and I still have been unable to regain this fully. They also made me feel dirty. I feel there is something wrong with me sexually and I cringe just thinking of myself as a sexually being. Their treatment of me as a sex figure for them and to satisfy their sexual desires now has caused me to feel as if that is the only thing I am good for in a mans life. I feel empty most of the time and feel worthless. I feel as if my life is not my own. They stol my life and made my life a living HELL from a very early age.
The physical mental and emotional abuser that treated me like shit and made my life a living hell lives in a state of denial as to how she affected me and my life. It is difficult for me to continue a relationship and not rehash every hurtful word she ever told me. But yet her words echo in my mind many times throughout my life as I fight life each day and strive to overcome her downgrades and the living Hell I live in because the words she spoke to me on the occasions she said them to me. They stuck more than than anything else since I barely remember anything else besides the hurtful things she said and did to me in my life. Though I know she was the one who fought the state to get us out of the system for many years while my sperm donor moved on abandoning us to have more kids and another family.
Still there is more but I have had enough negativity in this regarding my life of Hell and do not wish to speak of anymore of the people who treat me like shit right now and who make my life HELL.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
I guess I should be able to say there are alot of people in my life who have given me hope and made my life more worth living but I cannot. There were times in my life where i felt my life was worth living more than other times but I am not really sure there have been many times I have truly felt my life has been fully worth living.
Growing up as a child I did not really know much of things in life that I experience were abnormal even though I was taking from my parents and placed in foster care briefly. I then was placed in a residential home where I was surounded by many other abused and very angry children and adolescents much like myself. Some more angry and some less angry. Some more compliant and some less compliant. Although maybe not so. I may have been the worst child there as it seems that almost everyone that was there when I came left before I did and the ones that came after I did also left before I did. I also did not go home because i earned my way out by behaving and doing what I needed to do to get home after my mother regained custody back years later. I went home at almost 12 years old because they wanted me medicated with medications my mother did not want me on and they said they could do no more for me as i was out of control. So my mother took me home. I was there from right before I turned 7 years old until I was almost 12 years old.
Then at 15 I began self harming and suicidal after the birth of my 1st child and lived in residential after my 1st hospitalization when he was 6 weeks old and he lived with my my mother. I stayed in residential until i aged out of the child and adolescent system at the age of 19.
When I left there i went into an adult group home and left 2 weeks later and stayed homeless and went in and out of hospitals for trying to kill myself and self injury. I was hopeless and my life was not worth living and I wanted to die. I felt there was no point to living and life sucked.
In May 2000, I fond out i was pregnat with my second child. That gave me hope I then felt I had purpose and I felt my life was worth living. That was short lived. Well not that short lived as it lasted 5 years and a marriage and 3 more children until my children were taken and I knew I would never get thjem back as my mental helath deteriated once they were taken from me and my husband. I fought for them for 18 months but that day they were taken I knew it was over my life was gone and not worth living any more. During those 5 years I had been in the hospital 1 time ofr feeling suicial about 3 years before that and once for self injury. I had that May 2000 decided when I found I was pregnant with that 1st child of my 4 youngest that I had reason to live and no longer needed to rely on my hopeless feelings and behaviors to cope with my negative feelings and all those feelinsg came rushing back once they were taken from me and I had no reason to control my urges or thoughts to escape and avoid feeling empotional pain anymore.
Now I feel I have no one who makes my life wort living for anymore. Who once made me feel there was a reason to keep going are gone and I no longer matter.
Growing up as a child I did not really know much of things in life that I experience were abnormal even though I was taking from my parents and placed in foster care briefly. I then was placed in a residential home where I was surounded by many other abused and very angry children and adolescents much like myself. Some more angry and some less angry. Some more compliant and some less compliant. Although maybe not so. I may have been the worst child there as it seems that almost everyone that was there when I came left before I did and the ones that came after I did also left before I did. I also did not go home because i earned my way out by behaving and doing what I needed to do to get home after my mother regained custody back years later. I went home at almost 12 years old because they wanted me medicated with medications my mother did not want me on and they said they could do no more for me as i was out of control. So my mother took me home. I was there from right before I turned 7 years old until I was almost 12 years old.
Then at 15 I began self harming and suicidal after the birth of my 1st child and lived in residential after my 1st hospitalization when he was 6 weeks old and he lived with my my mother. I stayed in residential until i aged out of the child and adolescent system at the age of 19.
When I left there i went into an adult group home and left 2 weeks later and stayed homeless and went in and out of hospitals for trying to kill myself and self injury. I was hopeless and my life was not worth living and I wanted to die. I felt there was no point to living and life sucked.
In May 2000, I fond out i was pregnat with my second child. That gave me hope I then felt I had purpose and I felt my life was worth living. That was short lived. Well not that short lived as it lasted 5 years and a marriage and 3 more children until my children were taken and I knew I would never get thjem back as my mental helath deteriated once they were taken from me and my husband. I fought for them for 18 months but that day they were taken I knew it was over my life was gone and not worth living any more. During those 5 years I had been in the hospital 1 time ofr feeling suicial about 3 years before that and once for self injury. I had that May 2000 decided when I found I was pregnant with that 1st child of my 4 youngest that I had reason to live and no longer needed to rely on my hopeless feelings and behaviors to cope with my negative feelings and all those feelinsg came rushing back once they were taken from me and I had no reason to control my urges or thoughts to escape and avoid feeling empotional pain anymore.
Now I feel I have no one who makes my life wort living for anymore. Who once made me feel there was a reason to keep going are gone and I no longer matter.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
june 22 2009
I have been contemplating alot lately and not really sure of the full
answer yet. There have been many losses in my life that has been
paiful and still to this day are difficult to cope with when thought
about. I have experienced many things in my life and have been unable
to discuss or let go of it. Some of the trauma has been buried and I
am not even sure of its validity since I do nto remember it. There
are
many times where i get intense emotions, panic, or just need to get
away as my anxiety rinses for no aparent reason and I believe it is
triggered by my tramatic childhood. I have been through several
different treatments and seen many therapist since the age of 4 years
old. Twenty-five years later I have secrets I still feel ahsmed of
and
that have held me back from accomplishing things i would have liked
to
accomplish.
I have had a failed marriage, lost 4 of my 5 children to the state
and
will never and can never see them until they age out if they even
want
to see me since they have been adopted 3 of the 4 and now have new
families. Families that are stable and able to care for them the way
the need and deserve. My oldest son had lived with my moth for his
first 13 1/2 years of his life and now he lives with my brother. I
had
him very young and ended up in the psychiatric hospital after my
first
suicide attempt when he was 6 weeks old. It was then i began self
injuring and have had many times when it has helped me get through
difficult situations and I need it to survive. There was a time in my
life that I had stopped with 1 slip in over 5 years. When my youngest
children were removed from my house at ages 11 months, 23 months, 4,
and 5 years old I began needing it again and it became dangerously
addicting to me. It was my survival. Now it has been 2 years since
the
loss of my parental rights and alls I have accomplished is fucking
up.
I have gotten into drugs for weeks here and there sometimes a bit
longer other times shorter. I have attempted suicide several times to
no avail. I have become a complete failure and been unable to be a
productive member of society. I am on disabilty and unable to keep a
job as I am too mentally unstable. I suffer from depressiona dnat
times feel suicide is my only way out.
Recently I have contemplated ending my life but want it under the
right circumstances. I do not want to fail when the time comes as I
have always been more miserable after unsuccessfully trying. I have
researched alot and for the most part feel that I could go through
with it under the proper disstress although also want to make sure
all
things are inorder and I have written my last words to important
people in my life. I had had a plan and was supposed to carry it out
in a couple days although that has been placed in lombo since the
materials I had planned to use has not arrived and is unavailable to
me currently. I know there are opther ways although want a fool proof
method as failure has always been second nature for me and I have
never really ever been able to do anything successfully.
With all this said I also realize suicide is not just something that
anyone can attempt. I also realize that there may be some other ways
to get through all this stuff and learn to let go of alot of it. I
have ene in and out of therapy for many years since before i started
preschool I guess more in than out. I was raised pretty much in
residential homes for emotionally disturbed and troublesome children
and then as a teenager I was in another place for the same types of
issues. I have always been the one who has not mattered to my mother
and none of us really ever has mattered to my sperm donor. My mother
to this day still only calls when she needs soemthing or when my
siblings need something. But when I need soemthing she does not
answer
and does nto call. She has always hated me and that may be because I
was the first born and she was a teenager and I am the cause of her
being unable to be a child and her having to grow up so quickly. I
believe I was worthless and doomed from the beginning as my parents
were forced to marry due to her pregnancy of me and she really was in
love with someone else who had moved on and she felt trapped and
stuck
with someone she didi nto want to be with.
Needless to say I have difficulties fitting in and feeling as if I
matter to anyone. I also have a hard time expressing myself with
words
and find it difficult to cope. I have changed several things over the
years and life does seem somewhat better although this time of year
has been difficult for me for a while even when life is going semi
alright if that is possible at this time of year I always end up
emotionally unstable and unable to cope. I have not self injured in
about 2 weeks. I am not using drugs, and I am miserable but sure do
not have an appropriate means of killing myself at the moent although
very depressed altely and wanting to push people away as I feel they
are fake not really what they make themselves to be. It is almost as
if they all are emotionally detached and desensitized to emotions. I
seem to be the target of men who are manipualtive and use me for
whatever they can get. I am sick of living this way although I have
tried several methods other than suicide and hurting myself or others
and have not been able to get far. I always end up right back at
square 1. Well thanks for listening I guess I am just venting and
trying to process somethings within myself and hopefully some one can
understand my experiences, pain, and heartache. Maybe someone will
feel better knowing they are not alone in this and there are others
that feel this way. I am nto sure but just needed to do some writing.
Thanks for listening and reading.
answer yet. There have been many losses in my life that has been
paiful and still to this day are difficult to cope with when thought
about. I have experienced many things in my life and have been unable
to discuss or let go of it. Some of the trauma has been buried and I
am not even sure of its validity since I do nto remember it. There
are
many times where i get intense emotions, panic, or just need to get
away as my anxiety rinses for no aparent reason and I believe it is
triggered by my tramatic childhood. I have been through several
different treatments and seen many therapist since the age of 4 years
old. Twenty-five years later I have secrets I still feel ahsmed of
and
that have held me back from accomplishing things i would have liked
to
accomplish.
I have had a failed marriage, lost 4 of my 5 children to the state
and
will never and can never see them until they age out if they even
want
to see me since they have been adopted 3 of the 4 and now have new
families. Families that are stable and able to care for them the way
the need and deserve. My oldest son had lived with my moth for his
first 13 1/2 years of his life and now he lives with my brother. I
had
him very young and ended up in the psychiatric hospital after my
first
suicide attempt when he was 6 weeks old. It was then i began self
injuring and have had many times when it has helped me get through
difficult situations and I need it to survive. There was a time in my
life that I had stopped with 1 slip in over 5 years. When my youngest
children were removed from my house at ages 11 months, 23 months, 4,
and 5 years old I began needing it again and it became dangerously
addicting to me. It was my survival. Now it has been 2 years since
the
loss of my parental rights and alls I have accomplished is fucking
up.
I have gotten into drugs for weeks here and there sometimes a bit
longer other times shorter. I have attempted suicide several times to
no avail. I have become a complete failure and been unable to be a
productive member of society. I am on disabilty and unable to keep a
job as I am too mentally unstable. I suffer from depressiona dnat
times feel suicide is my only way out.
Recently I have contemplated ending my life but want it under the
right circumstances. I do not want to fail when the time comes as I
have always been more miserable after unsuccessfully trying. I have
researched alot and for the most part feel that I could go through
with it under the proper disstress although also want to make sure
all
things are inorder and I have written my last words to important
people in my life. I had had a plan and was supposed to carry it out
in a couple days although that has been placed in lombo since the
materials I had planned to use has not arrived and is unavailable to
me currently. I know there are opther ways although want a fool proof
method as failure has always been second nature for me and I have
never really ever been able to do anything successfully.
With all this said I also realize suicide is not just something that
anyone can attempt. I also realize that there may be some other ways
to get through all this stuff and learn to let go of alot of it. I
have ene in and out of therapy for many years since before i started
preschool I guess more in than out. I was raised pretty much in
residential homes for emotionally disturbed and troublesome children
and then as a teenager I was in another place for the same types of
issues. I have always been the one who has not mattered to my mother
and none of us really ever has mattered to my sperm donor. My mother
to this day still only calls when she needs soemthing or when my
siblings need something. But when I need soemthing she does not
answer
and does nto call. She has always hated me and that may be because I
was the first born and she was a teenager and I am the cause of her
being unable to be a child and her having to grow up so quickly. I
believe I was worthless and doomed from the beginning as my parents
were forced to marry due to her pregnancy of me and she really was in
love with someone else who had moved on and she felt trapped and
stuck
with someone she didi nto want to be with.
Needless to say I have difficulties fitting in and feeling as if I
matter to anyone. I also have a hard time expressing myself with
words
and find it difficult to cope. I have changed several things over the
years and life does seem somewhat better although this time of year
has been difficult for me for a while even when life is going semi
alright if that is possible at this time of year I always end up
emotionally unstable and unable to cope. I have not self injured in
about 2 weeks. I am not using drugs, and I am miserable but sure do
not have an appropriate means of killing myself at the moent although
very depressed altely and wanting to push people away as I feel they
are fake not really what they make themselves to be. It is almost as
if they all are emotionally detached and desensitized to emotions. I
seem to be the target of men who are manipualtive and use me for
whatever they can get. I am sick of living this way although I have
tried several methods other than suicide and hurting myself or others
and have not been able to get far. I always end up right back at
square 1. Well thanks for listening I guess I am just venting and
trying to process somethings within myself and hopefully some one can
understand my experiences, pain, and heartache. Maybe someone will
feel better knowing they are not alone in this and there are others
that feel this way. I am nto sure but just needed to do some writing.
Thanks for listening and reading.
goals
Some goals
Hope to succeed and not give up
I have always tried to set goals in my life to no avail in succeeding at them. I make this list in hopes of succeeding and quit being a quitter. I need to stop giving up seconds before the miracle happens and work hard at obtaining what I desire. so here is a list of some of my goals with more to follow shortly:
1. Graduate from school...not sure with what degree but atleast finish school successfully
2. become a peer counselor and give back so much of what I have been givng.
3. Acheive stability for atleast a 1 year time frame.
4. Develop more friendships and intimatcy in my relationships.
5. Learn to let go of my past and begin living in the moment.
6. Let go of anger, hurt, and resentment.
7. write a book of my life story to give others hope.
8. Be able to talk about my secrets and work through them towards recovery.
9. Live one day at a time without escape, avoidance, and using anything to numb me
10. Learn to accpet myself and not try to be someone I am not.
a big goal of mine
leanr to let go
work through my childhood secrets and expose my past to others and maybe help them gain some hope from it all. This blog is not to gain criticism and more pain but to hopefully be able to let go of some of my shame, pain, hurt, and guilt. This is a difficult step for me in my life and I am hoping to really be able to work through alot of this stuff and get something from it all. I know that with exposure brings more pain before the peace will come and sometimnes that is scary. For me this is not the first tim e I have tried to work through this stuff in life and I am sure it is not the last time but I hope it will help me and I will stick with it long enough for me to gain the strength others in the world have by letting the secrets out and working through the pain that I have run from and avoided for so many yearsd. I am in therapy but never really have dealt with any of it I also am hoping to really do some work with my therapist on this stuff over the next few months while I ma not taking any classes this summer and I am taking a retreat and going to be camping in my friends yard in the middle of nature. I am hoping all this will help me find some inner peace and maybe some confidence in myself and in life.
Hope to succeed and not give up
I have always tried to set goals in my life to no avail in succeeding at them. I make this list in hopes of succeeding and quit being a quitter. I need to stop giving up seconds before the miracle happens and work hard at obtaining what I desire. so here is a list of some of my goals with more to follow shortly:
1. Graduate from school...not sure with what degree but atleast finish school successfully
2. become a peer counselor and give back so much of what I have been givng.
3. Acheive stability for atleast a 1 year time frame.
4. Develop more friendships and intimatcy in my relationships.
5. Learn to let go of my past and begin living in the moment.
6. Let go of anger, hurt, and resentment.
7. write a book of my life story to give others hope.
8. Be able to talk about my secrets and work through them towards recovery.
9. Live one day at a time without escape, avoidance, and using anything to numb me
10. Learn to accpet myself and not try to be someone I am not.
a big goal of mine
leanr to let go
work through my childhood secrets and expose my past to others and maybe help them gain some hope from it all. This blog is not to gain criticism and more pain but to hopefully be able to let go of some of my shame, pain, hurt, and guilt. This is a difficult step for me in my life and I am hoping to really be able to work through alot of this stuff and get something from it all. I know that with exposure brings more pain before the peace will come and sometimnes that is scary. For me this is not the first tim e I have tried to work through this stuff in life and I am sure it is not the last time but I hope it will help me and I will stick with it long enough for me to gain the strength others in the world have by letting the secrets out and working through the pain that I have run from and avoided for so many yearsd. I am in therapy but never really have dealt with any of it I also am hoping to really do some work with my therapist on this stuff over the next few months while I ma not taking any classes this summer and I am taking a retreat and going to be camping in my friends yard in the middle of nature. I am hoping all this will help me find some inner peace and maybe some confidence in myself and in life.
my father have not spoken with in about 4-5 years and my mother although we speak about 1-2 times a week it is when she has something to tell me about the other kids and their problems and how what is happening to them is so terrible but yet when I was going through a similar thing with my ex husband and he was driving me through the mud and shit and sending me to court and having me arrested and shit she was not there she could care less. when I am in the hospital does she care NO not even when I end up in ICU for overdosing but yet when my brother ended up in psych unit this week and my sister's husband left her with the 2 kids this week she sure calls me to tell me how bad things are for them and how it is wrong and all this and what can she do and how can she help and I should go to Missouri to help my sister move back to mass and she wishes she was there with here but it will be okay cause she is moving her back to mass and my brother she has been to visit him all week. so I am the oldest and she has never loved me or wanted me around I was always the trouble in the family because I would not handle the abuse going on at home and ended up kicked out of school in therapy in the hospital on meds and social services was called because of me not her not her beating me or her boyfriend doing what he was doing it was always my fault and she hates me. my family only call when they need or want something from me whether it is advice, money, food, help, travel, driving them or whatever but yet I sit here alone day after day contemplating and planning and revising my end to this bullshit they call life. Physically there is nothing wrong with me but mentally and emotionally, I am not sure. I can be so fake around others and no one ever sees or thinks anything is wrong with me until I end up OD'd in the emergency room. my therapist seemed real concerned last week but yeti bet she won't even call today or the rest of the week as I agreed to go to DBT tomorrow with her and she runs the group and I have therapy Friday morning with her and when I go she won't even be concerned she will just hassle me and shit and then when the hour is up she will say well I got things to do and our time is up like I am just a number in the system and do not really mean anything but yet then last week she acts all concerned and wanted me in the hospital and shit because she has a license and does not want to jeopardize it by knowing I want to kill myself and not doing anything in her words but yet then does not do anything about it except call and check on me all week. Fuck her too. She does not really care about me she tells me I need to let others see who I really am and shit like that and not try to act like and be someone I truly am not but then again she is so fake too. She acts so caring one minute and then as if, she does not care the next moment. Maybe she has multiple personality disorder.
my mom dated my fathers older half brother for a bit over 6 years during this time i went through numerous sexual abuse by him and after i told her while i was in an inpatient psychiatric hospital for the 6th time in less than a year she still stayed with him. she told me pretty much that she didnt believe me and asked questions about how he acted in bed and stuff and then told me anyone could know this stuff. and did not care. i struggle all the time till this day 13 years later feeling i never mattered to her that she allowed the stuff to happen that he was more important and sometimes i feel it was my fault cause i knew it was wrong and allowed it to go on for so many years and i guess i liked having him stick up for me when my mom would beat me and i liked the attention he gave me and how he protected me and gave me money and things. not sure but i know some of it was my fault for not stopping it and continueing to allow it to occur and keeping it a secret
when i was a little girl my fathers half brother david molested me and my brother. he molested lots of children around this time including my cousins his own kids. i dont remeber alot of it but do have periods of weakness when i have flashbacks of things i dont remeber happening but they happened i guess. he also mmolested my mother when she was a teenager and do not understand why she allowed her own children me and my brother to be alone with him knowing how he was almost like we didnt matter and that she wanted him to hurt us. i am not sure why she allowed him alone to babysit us knowing how he was. i feel some of it is her fault for knowing he was like that and still leaving him alone with us and for us having to go through all that
january 12 2009
In January 2006 my children were removed from my home for domestic violence issues. After they were removed, it was not much time before my stability with my mental health deteriated to the point I could not get it back together to regain custody of them. Back when I was 15, I had my first child and within 6 weeks, I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I had had mental health issues since I was a very young child and was removed from my home for abuse by my parents and relatives. From That first hospitalization, it took me 5 years to stabilize and my mother had my child from the time he was born. He just turned 14 a few days ago. When I got pregnant in 2000 with my second child I stabilized and stopped trying to if myself and stopped harming myself altogether. I now had a reason to go on. I then got married and had three more children during the next 5 years. Although the marriage was rocky from the start and there was repeated abuse occurring I was mentally stable. I had not harmed myself since May 2000 and had not been hospitalized since then either. My children were removed from my home for neglect due to the witnessing of the abuse that was occurring. After the children were removed, the state used the mental health history of both my husband and I to keep the children in foster care. They used records from back when I was a child in their custody against me. Within 6 weeks of the children’s removal, I was completely unstable and back to harming myself and trying to off myself. I felt there was nothing left for me to live for. Eighteen months later my parental rights were terminated due to my mental health instability and my inability to get my life back on track and feeling there was a reason to go on. Now it has been 3 years since the removal and 18 months since the termination hearing where I lost my parental rights. I have gotten a divorce and have finished 2-fulltime semester in college and am starting my third. I have become a lot more stable even though it has been a rough and rocky road and there are many days that I feel and believe I cannot proceed in life. Nevertheless, I keep trudging. I cannot figure out how or why I am still alive. I have nothing left to live for. My children are all adopted off except my 14 year old and I can never see them until they are of age and that is if they decide to seek me out and want something to do with me. Now what do I do for the next 10 years? The oldest of the four that are gone just turned 8 and the youngest will be 4 next month. Then I have my 7 year old and one that will be 5 next month. I have a long wait ahead of me. What if they don’t want anything to do with me? I would have kept struggling for all these years to come for nothing.
august 17 2007
In this Moment
Current mood: indescribable
In this moment my mind is a bit boggled...I have a lot of very confusing mixed emotions... fear, hurt, sorrow, grief, guilt, anger, anxiety, and i dunno what else at this time... alls I know is I am having a hard time just sitting with and feeling these emotions... I want to run and hide from them... I feel alone in a world that has failed me as a child and now I feel like I have completely failed my own children... I want and need an escape... it is getting very difficult crying and sitting and feeling this agonizing pain I feel deep in my heart and soul
Current mood: indescribable
In this moment my mind is a bit boggled...I have a lot of very confusing mixed emotions... fear, hurt, sorrow, grief, guilt, anger, anxiety, and i dunno what else at this time... alls I know is I am having a hard time just sitting with and feeling these emotions... I want to run and hide from them... I feel alone in a world that has failed me as a child and now I feel like I have completely failed my own children... I want and need an escape... it is getting very difficult crying and sitting and feeling this agonizing pain I feel deep in my heart and soul
august 27 2007
challeges of the future or will i fail again
Current mood: contemplative
I am trying to contemplate on wether i am strong enough emotionly and whether i should continue to fight or should i give up and let go of the only thing i feel i have left to live for even if there probably is not any chance that i will win...should i continue to to grab at straws or let go...10 days ago was the hardest day of my life so far...i had to say goodbye to my 5 yr old daughter and who knows when i will see her again if i ever will again...the day before that i said goodbye to my to babies my 2 yr old daughter and my 3 yr old son...i continue the battle for my 6 yr old only i can see him and he dont understand why and dont know i am still fighting for him...i feel so hopeless and alone...i feel like i have failed them all...a little less then a month ago i tried to kill myself over this and failed again...i fail at everything i do in life...i have never succeeded at anything...when will it all end...when will my life end...how is it i cant even succeed at taking my own life and i have failed at suicide several times what am i doing so wrong...why am i such a failure...why have i been a failure my whole life
Current mood: contemplative
I am trying to contemplate on wether i am strong enough emotionly and whether i should continue to fight or should i give up and let go of the only thing i feel i have left to live for even if there probably is not any chance that i will win...should i continue to to grab at straws or let go...10 days ago was the hardest day of my life so far...i had to say goodbye to my 5 yr old daughter and who knows when i will see her again if i ever will again...the day before that i said goodbye to my to babies my 2 yr old daughter and my 3 yr old son...i continue the battle for my 6 yr old only i can see him and he dont understand why and dont know i am still fighting for him...i feel so hopeless and alone...i feel like i have failed them all...a little less then a month ago i tried to kill myself over this and failed again...i fail at everything i do in life...i have never succeeded at anything...when will it all end...when will my life end...how is it i cant even succeed at taking my own life and i have failed at suicide several times what am i doing so wrong...why am i such a failure...why have i been a failure my whole life
september 7 2007
thoughts of today
Current mood: blank
today i feel uunlike myself...not all here...fading in and out of the world as we know it...almost like i am a cloud drifting by not knowing why i cant seem to cry although deep down i feel so much like the rain needs to pour out of my eyes like the rain daoes when it falls from the sky as the clouds pass by...day in and day out i seem to feel more and more what life is about and it makes me miserable to know i am living my life without my kids and cant seem to just stop this craziness in my head...the thoughts...the feelings...the wants...the needs...the desires...all these things i so desperately feel the need to feel...to feel to pain like so many times a felt before...the pain that helps me get away from these emotions...when will it all just disapate...when will i begin to feel feel...i so much want to know im real and not so dull and down...
Current mood: blank
today i feel uunlike myself...not all here...fading in and out of the world as we know it...almost like i am a cloud drifting by not knowing why i cant seem to cry although deep down i feel so much like the rain needs to pour out of my eyes like the rain daoes when it falls from the sky as the clouds pass by...day in and day out i seem to feel more and more what life is about and it makes me miserable to know i am living my life without my kids and cant seem to just stop this craziness in my head...the thoughts...the feelings...the wants...the needs...the desires...all these things i so desperately feel the need to feel...to feel to pain like so many times a felt before...the pain that helps me get away from these emotions...when will it all just disapate...when will i begin to feel feel...i so much want to know im real and not so dull and down...
september 5 2007
ups and downs as the days go by
Current mood: numb
as the days go by i have many ups and downs...more downs than ups but i am hanging by a thread still trapped in this life...trapped in a world where society has there views and if any of mine differ from the mojority then i must be abnormal... although what exactly is normal...who decides nomalcy...why is it that as much pain and misery i feel i still cant let go to feel better...how do i forgive myself for all the things that happened to me as a chilld and how can i forgive those people who violated me and made me feel so much pain...how will my children ever forgive me for having them and them being taken from me...how do i forgive myself for my inadequecies...how can i forgive anything when alls i want to do day in and day out is lay down and die...i pray each night before i fall to sleep that god not allow me to wake to another day and endure this misery anymore...i pray he take me...although i feel this way i obviously am a coward since i have not been able to accomplish my own demise rather then praying god take me...
Current mood: numb
as the days go by i have many ups and downs...more downs than ups but i am hanging by a thread still trapped in this life...trapped in a world where society has there views and if any of mine differ from the mojority then i must be abnormal... although what exactly is normal...who decides nomalcy...why is it that as much pain and misery i feel i still cant let go to feel better...how do i forgive myself for all the things that happened to me as a chilld and how can i forgive those people who violated me and made me feel so much pain...how will my children ever forgive me for having them and them being taken from me...how do i forgive myself for my inadequecies...how can i forgive anything when alls i want to do day in and day out is lay down and die...i pray each night before i fall to sleep that god not allow me to wake to another day and endure this misery anymore...i pray he take me...although i feel this way i obviously am a coward since i have not been able to accomplish my own demise rather then praying god take me...
october 27 2007
poetry i wrote 2 weeks ago (SI TRIGGER)
Current mood: guilty
this is my last goodbye
as i slice my wrist open
i can feel the blood draining
my tears are all dry
i no longer have to cry
realizing theres not much time
i close my eyes
knowing the agony will soon be gone
as i lay here peacefully
waiting to die
deep inside my soul is just one big empty hole
no matter what i try to fill it up with
nothing seems to ever satisfy my soul
theres no hiding the agony i feel for long
i dont think i can ever move on
this devastation i have caused myself
will alldisappear when i am finally dead and gone
i think about trying to end it it all
not knowing the future and not caring about it at all
i feel like crying letting all the pain just flow out
my tears are no longer flowing they have all dried
as my mind begins to wander i am feeling so low
my thoughts start racing i i just want to go
end all my pain no one will ever know how it is
to want to die so much but yet be a coward laying here
unable to follow through because u have so much fear
hoping someone else would do it for you
because the pain is so hard to bare.
please take my pain away
i an not take things for another day
this world is so cold and dark
alone with no babies left to hold
how much more misery must i endure
why wont they all just try and see
how much all the agony is torture to me
when will everyone understand
my dying would be a blessing in disguise
when a life is not worth living
why keep holding onto it day by day
when your left here all alone
with nothing left but a broken soul
i try to bury all the pain inside
but sometimes it all becomes too much for me to hide
i begin drowning in misery with no hope
i find there is only one way for me to cope
bleed like so many times before
as i watch my blood begin to pour
my begins draining from the vein
maybe someday i will end all my pain
when that day finally arrives
i pray that i will not live or survive
as i think of all my pain buried inside
i long to feel my blood flow out
so i can escape my agony
it gets so hard to go through without
without the blade that helps me get away
i long to feel your edge as i run you against my skin
but i know that i deserve to feel all this misery that i am in
without you around i find it hard to breathe
you have gotten me through the hardest of times
when will they all see that you never have been a sin
you have been nothing to me except a a great friend
friends help friends through the toughests of times
when i am feeling down or blue i know you will be there
you get me through the biggest of fear
you are there for me when no one else is here
when i bleed out all of my sins
you leave a memory with me on my skin
i wish i had you here with me now
i lay here enduring this pain
needing you with me to help me through
like so many times before you were my way out
my life is broken my dreams are shattered
when they were around you never had mattered
you help me through all my shame
i need you more and more each day
the relief from my blood flowing from my vien
i need you near to take away all my fear
i want to escape these agonizing feelings
i wont have to cry when my blood appears
i know with you i dont have to feel these feelings
i need you near to help me breathe
you will help me succeed and take away all my fear
as i make the first cut i wont no tears
knowing my blood will slowly appear
as i continue to bleed all my pain will begin to lift
i know my mind needs an escape
there goes the bad draining out of my veins
feeling a rush in my head i wish i was dead
slashing myself more and more feeling no pains
i feel so numb and no longer do i hurt
although you are my drug
you are always there when i need to run
i run and hide to avoid all my pain i feel inside
i begin crying as i think about dying
i yearn to escape myself and from from me
wish i could slice open my wrist
watch as my veins drain out endlessly
now i just want to close my eyes
i relize now i am ready to die
Current mood: guilty
this is my last goodbye
as i slice my wrist open
i can feel the blood draining
my tears are all dry
i no longer have to cry
realizing theres not much time
i close my eyes
knowing the agony will soon be gone
as i lay here peacefully
waiting to die
deep inside my soul is just one big empty hole
no matter what i try to fill it up with
nothing seems to ever satisfy my soul
theres no hiding the agony i feel for long
i dont think i can ever move on
this devastation i have caused myself
will alldisappear when i am finally dead and gone
i think about trying to end it it all
not knowing the future and not caring about it at all
i feel like crying letting all the pain just flow out
my tears are no longer flowing they have all dried
as my mind begins to wander i am feeling so low
my thoughts start racing i i just want to go
end all my pain no one will ever know how it is
to want to die so much but yet be a coward laying here
unable to follow through because u have so much fear
hoping someone else would do it for you
because the pain is so hard to bare.
please take my pain away
i an not take things for another day
this world is so cold and dark
alone with no babies left to hold
how much more misery must i endure
why wont they all just try and see
how much all the agony is torture to me
when will everyone understand
my dying would be a blessing in disguise
when a life is not worth living
why keep holding onto it day by day
when your left here all alone
with nothing left but a broken soul
i try to bury all the pain inside
but sometimes it all becomes too much for me to hide
i begin drowning in misery with no hope
i find there is only one way for me to cope
bleed like so many times before
as i watch my blood begin to pour
my begins draining from the vein
maybe someday i will end all my pain
when that day finally arrives
i pray that i will not live or survive
as i think of all my pain buried inside
i long to feel my blood flow out
so i can escape my agony
it gets so hard to go through without
without the blade that helps me get away
i long to feel your edge as i run you against my skin
but i know that i deserve to feel all this misery that i am in
without you around i find it hard to breathe
you have gotten me through the hardest of times
when will they all see that you never have been a sin
you have been nothing to me except a a great friend
friends help friends through the toughests of times
when i am feeling down or blue i know you will be there
you get me through the biggest of fear
you are there for me when no one else is here
when i bleed out all of my sins
you leave a memory with me on my skin
i wish i had you here with me now
i lay here enduring this pain
needing you with me to help me through
like so many times before you were my way out
my life is broken my dreams are shattered
when they were around you never had mattered
you help me through all my shame
i need you more and more each day
the relief from my blood flowing from my vien
i need you near to take away all my fear
i want to escape these agonizing feelings
i wont have to cry when my blood appears
i know with you i dont have to feel these feelings
i need you near to help me breathe
you will help me succeed and take away all my fear
as i make the first cut i wont no tears
knowing my blood will slowly appear
as i continue to bleed all my pain will begin to lift
i know my mind needs an escape
there goes the bad draining out of my veins
feeling a rush in my head i wish i was dead
slashing myself more and more feeling no pains
i feel so numb and no longer do i hurt
although you are my drug
you are always there when i need to run
i run and hide to avoid all my pain i feel inside
i begin crying as i think about dying
i yearn to escape myself and from from me
wish i could slice open my wrist
watch as my veins drain out endlessly
now i just want to close my eyes
i relize now i am ready to die
november 2 2007
ranting
Current mood: bitchy
I am in fear as I no longer believe my life is going to be bearable. I continue to envision my final minutes of life and no matter what i do to try to change my thoughts and distract my mind away from these suicide thoughts alls i can continue thinking about about and alls that keeps racing through my head are several visions of myself inseveral of numerous different suicide attempts looking for the one final answer to my pain.I am looking for finality.I frantically scan the room with my eyes looking for an aswer and for a way to escapes these torturous images flashing through my mind. I continue trying to distract my mind away from them but i can not seem to control them. I so much need a razor to slice my skin to help control these thoughts a bit and calm with the racing and slow my mind down a bit. Why is my thoughts taunting me this way? I want to run and hide escape this pain I feel inside. I feel so ashamed I need and want to die. I dont want to go through this anymore please someone take this all away.
Current mood: bitchy
I am in fear as I no longer believe my life is going to be bearable. I continue to envision my final minutes of life and no matter what i do to try to change my thoughts and distract my mind away from these suicide thoughts alls i can continue thinking about about and alls that keeps racing through my head are several visions of myself inseveral of numerous different suicide attempts looking for the one final answer to my pain.I am looking for finality.I frantically scan the room with my eyes looking for an aswer and for a way to escapes these torturous images flashing through my mind. I continue trying to distract my mind away from them but i can not seem to control them. I so much need a razor to slice my skin to help control these thoughts a bit and calm with the racing and slow my mind down a bit. Why is my thoughts taunting me this way? I want to run and hide escape this pain I feel inside. I feel so ashamed I need and want to die. I dont want to go through this anymore please someone take this all away.
october 28 2007
rambling guilt thoughts
Current mood: guilty
i tried so hard and lost them all but yet in the end i sit here wondering if i really even tried at all. if i had really tried my hardest would i have failed? wouldnt i have pushed myself harder? its almost like i gave up and just held on to create create some sense of still being needed and loved by someone but in the end did it really even matter. i still lost all the sense of being needed, loved, and of importance to any of them. i failed them all!
Current mood: guilty
i tried so hard and lost them all but yet in the end i sit here wondering if i really even tried at all. if i had really tried my hardest would i have failed? wouldnt i have pushed myself harder? its almost like i gave up and just held on to create create some sense of still being needed and loved by someone but in the end did it really even matter. i still lost all the sense of being needed, loved, and of importance to any of them. i failed them all!
november 9 2007
losing control of my mind
Current mood: confused
feeling alone in this world is a reality that i live day in and day out learning to be with myself and not avoid myself is difficult it is a challenge i take on hourly everyday...somedays i am unsuccessful and can not cope with my feelings of lonliness and inadequatecy...other days like these past few days it is almost like i am living in a far off world that does not seem to exhist to anyone else maybe not even me...i fade in and out of spaceyness...yesturday i was driving down the expressway and all a sudden i realized i was going to hit the guard rail... then several hours later driving i went off the road 2 different times...today i minimized my driving to neccesity but i still managed to not totally feel all there while driving home from my appointment...then during my dbt group today i felt very confused and felt very emotional and almost started crying over these feelings of confusion and allowing myself to look stupider than i actually am...i have been going through several crying spells throughout the past few days...i am depressed but dont feel suicidal or like self injuring for a change...i just have been fading alot and it is uncomfortable...i dont like it...it feels out of control and i dont like the feeling of being out of control...my whole life people have taken control of me and my body and now i feel i cant control either or my mind...i feel like i am losing myself completely...will it ever end...will i ever get control back...why is this happening
Current mood: confused
feeling alone in this world is a reality that i live day in and day out learning to be with myself and not avoid myself is difficult it is a challenge i take on hourly everyday...somedays i am unsuccessful and can not cope with my feelings of lonliness and inadequatecy...other days like these past few days it is almost like i am living in a far off world that does not seem to exhist to anyone else maybe not even me...i fade in and out of spaceyness...yesturday i was driving down the expressway and all a sudden i realized i was going to hit the guard rail... then several hours later driving i went off the road 2 different times...today i minimized my driving to neccesity but i still managed to not totally feel all there while driving home from my appointment...then during my dbt group today i felt very confused and felt very emotional and almost started crying over these feelings of confusion and allowing myself to look stupider than i actually am...i have been going through several crying spells throughout the past few days...i am depressed but dont feel suicidal or like self injuring for a change...i just have been fading alot and it is uncomfortable...i dont like it...it feels out of control and i dont like the feeling of being out of control...my whole life people have taken control of me and my body and now i feel i cant control either or my mind...i feel like i am losing myself completely...will it ever end...will i ever get control back...why is this happening
november 3 2007
the storm of me
Current mood: contemplative
I am drowning in all these lonely emotions. I feel lost In this deep dark ocean that seems like it never has any shores in sight for me to lay my head upon and rest. I continue to have these endless hopeless waves crash over my head drowning me in agony and dont know how much longer i can continue to hold on. I am treading these waters and trying so hard to find anything insight even just a far off island in the distance would give me some hope, but i cant seem to find anything. Ther more I swim deep into these dangerous waters of desperation and despair the more I find there isnt even a single iceberg out here in these treachurous waters that I am living in each and everyday. The darkened ocean and deep gray sky is all I see everyday engraved in my mind. As this storm continues with no end in sight I continue to swim and life passes me by. Day in and day out its the same neverending storm and the waves just continue to grow stronger everyday almost overpowering at times and I feel like this has to be the end. I cant go on anymore and then I swim on some more. Why?
Current mood: contemplative
I am drowning in all these lonely emotions. I feel lost In this deep dark ocean that seems like it never has any shores in sight for me to lay my head upon and rest. I continue to have these endless hopeless waves crash over my head drowning me in agony and dont know how much longer i can continue to hold on. I am treading these waters and trying so hard to find anything insight even just a far off island in the distance would give me some hope, but i cant seem to find anything. Ther more I swim deep into these dangerous waters of desperation and despair the more I find there isnt even a single iceberg out here in these treachurous waters that I am living in each and everyday. The darkened ocean and deep gray sky is all I see everyday engraved in my mind. As this storm continues with no end in sight I continue to swim and life passes me by. Day in and day out its the same neverending storm and the waves just continue to grow stronger everyday almost overpowering at times and I feel like this has to be the end. I cant go on anymore and then I swim on some more. Why?
november 10 2007
ramdom thoughts happenings of the past few days
Current mood: scared
Category: Life
today my thoughts are up and down i have had some very blank moments where nothing seemed to pass my mind...almost as if i wasnt even here i was somewhere else...then there where the very intense moments where alls i have done is sit here and ruminate over many different things...yesturday i was coming out of walmart and was supposed to be in a hurry but the moment i saw my sons foster mom soon to be adopted mom i froze for a second...she then approached me and we talked for atleast 10 minutes...we actually didnt even talk about my 3 yr old who she is adopting we talked about my other son who she had in her home at one point until he went into residential care...i actually found out some information that i am not sure if i really wanted to know but atleast now i know that my feelings about my 6 yr old being lonely and abandoned and having no one now that i have been torn out of his life is valid since social services lied to the judge just a month ago saying that they had a family that he was going to be going to and all this bullshit lies...alls i can think of is how sad he must be...i miss him so much...if anything he is probably the one i am having the hardest time with this whole thing about since i feel like i have ruined him and failed him the most...he was the one most exposed to all that he had to endure and he has not had any stability since they ripped him from my home back in january 2006... now he still has no one and it is all because of me and my failing them...i also drove by his residential a few times this weekend hoping to atleast spot him outside maybe having some fun and enjoying himself with the other kids...hoping it may help me feel better but no such luck he was no where in sight...none of the kids were out...i also drove by my 3 yr olds foster home a few days ago and began to panic when the has was dark and the vehicles were gone...my mind started racing and thoughts continued running through my mind believing that the foster mom had took him and moved away and i would never find him ever again...i would never know where he is or if he is okay...i kinda like knowing where he is even though i am not supposed to and am not supposed to go near there i guess cause i believe as long as i can go by over the years without people noticing me in the neighborhood then i can see him grow from afar and know that he is okay and still around but i do not know where my girls live and i am not sure if that is better because i think that someday knowing where he is is going to cause me alot of emotional wreckage and trouble...i already caused myself much unneeded anxiety for a few days and then bam i ran into his foster mom which gave me some relief knowing she didnt take him and run away with him...just the other day i had got into it with my case manager who tells me she is friends with my sons foster mom and i need to realize that he is her son now and not mine and that hit me hard and hurt bad and i told her he will always be my child he will never be hers and alls i could do was sit in her office and cry and let my mind race with thoughts of wanting to escape the pain from the knife she had just stuck through my chest with her tourturous comment...i cried for a long time and then finally left and went and talked to my therapist for a while and calmed myself down enough to realize that my anxiety was high and i needed to get home before i made it to the point where i couldnt drive at all...since for 2 days before that i had been spacing out and at one point while driving i all a sudden realized i was almost going to hit the guard rail and could not figure out what happened and 3 times that afternoon i went off the side of the road...my mind has been fading in and out and it is scary at times...i little while ago i was sitting on the porch and i started ruminating about how my daughter is turning 6 monday and i cant even give her a hug and tell her how much i love and miss her and how i wish i didnt fuck things up and how sorry i am...then a thought crossed my mind again about suicide which really fucked me up because i have not self injured since last saturday and have been out of the psychiatric hospital since tuesday...i know i am a coward and dont have the courage to hang myself or anything like that but i got this thought about the amount of pills i have...then i quickly pushed it away and have avoided it since but i know when i start thinking bout overdosing on my meds it is dangerous for me...i am supposed to be on a daily pill box picking my meds up everyday from the next town over but my car is fucked up and when i got out of the hospital i never turned in my new bottles of pills from the hospital plus the hospital gave me back the pills i had before i came in there so i have a month and a half supply which is dangerous thinking for me since i havent even been thinking bout cutting and thought i have been doing okay and managing since i have stopped crying these past 2 days every other hour and i have not been feeling much i have been pretty much numb not really feeling anything and when i have felt sad depressed lonely or anything i have wrote talked to people or distracted myself...but i am a bit concerned about the way i have been fading in and out and seem to be more jumpy and skittish...but i guess this is all a part of the process of everything i am going through and feeling or not feeling and avoiding
Current mood: scared
Category: Life
today my thoughts are up and down i have had some very blank moments where nothing seemed to pass my mind...almost as if i wasnt even here i was somewhere else...then there where the very intense moments where alls i have done is sit here and ruminate over many different things...yesturday i was coming out of walmart and was supposed to be in a hurry but the moment i saw my sons foster mom soon to be adopted mom i froze for a second...she then approached me and we talked for atleast 10 minutes...we actually didnt even talk about my 3 yr old who she is adopting we talked about my other son who she had in her home at one point until he went into residential care...i actually found out some information that i am not sure if i really wanted to know but atleast now i know that my feelings about my 6 yr old being lonely and abandoned and having no one now that i have been torn out of his life is valid since social services lied to the judge just a month ago saying that they had a family that he was going to be going to and all this bullshit lies...alls i can think of is how sad he must be...i miss him so much...if anything he is probably the one i am having the hardest time with this whole thing about since i feel like i have ruined him and failed him the most...he was the one most exposed to all that he had to endure and he has not had any stability since they ripped him from my home back in january 2006... now he still has no one and it is all because of me and my failing them...i also drove by his residential a few times this weekend hoping to atleast spot him outside maybe having some fun and enjoying himself with the other kids...hoping it may help me feel better but no such luck he was no where in sight...none of the kids were out...i also drove by my 3 yr olds foster home a few days ago and began to panic when the has was dark and the vehicles were gone...my mind started racing and thoughts continued running through my mind believing that the foster mom had took him and moved away and i would never find him ever again...i would never know where he is or if he is okay...i kinda like knowing where he is even though i am not supposed to and am not supposed to go near there i guess cause i believe as long as i can go by over the years without people noticing me in the neighborhood then i can see him grow from afar and know that he is okay and still around but i do not know where my girls live and i am not sure if that is better because i think that someday knowing where he is is going to cause me alot of emotional wreckage and trouble...i already caused myself much unneeded anxiety for a few days and then bam i ran into his foster mom which gave me some relief knowing she didnt take him and run away with him...just the other day i had got into it with my case manager who tells me she is friends with my sons foster mom and i need to realize that he is her son now and not mine and that hit me hard and hurt bad and i told her he will always be my child he will never be hers and alls i could do was sit in her office and cry and let my mind race with thoughts of wanting to escape the pain from the knife she had just stuck through my chest with her tourturous comment...i cried for a long time and then finally left and went and talked to my therapist for a while and calmed myself down enough to realize that my anxiety was high and i needed to get home before i made it to the point where i couldnt drive at all...since for 2 days before that i had been spacing out and at one point while driving i all a sudden realized i was almost going to hit the guard rail and could not figure out what happened and 3 times that afternoon i went off the side of the road...my mind has been fading in and out and it is scary at times...i little while ago i was sitting on the porch and i started ruminating about how my daughter is turning 6 monday and i cant even give her a hug and tell her how much i love and miss her and how i wish i didnt fuck things up and how sorry i am...then a thought crossed my mind again about suicide which really fucked me up because i have not self injured since last saturday and have been out of the psychiatric hospital since tuesday...i know i am a coward and dont have the courage to hang myself or anything like that but i got this thought about the amount of pills i have...then i quickly pushed it away and have avoided it since but i know when i start thinking bout overdosing on my meds it is dangerous for me...i am supposed to be on a daily pill box picking my meds up everyday from the next town over but my car is fucked up and when i got out of the hospital i never turned in my new bottles of pills from the hospital plus the hospital gave me back the pills i had before i came in there so i have a month and a half supply which is dangerous thinking for me since i havent even been thinking bout cutting and thought i have been doing okay and managing since i have stopped crying these past 2 days every other hour and i have not been feeling much i have been pretty much numb not really feeling anything and when i have felt sad depressed lonely or anything i have wrote talked to people or distracted myself...but i am a bit concerned about the way i have been fading in and out and seem to be more jumpy and skittish...but i guess this is all a part of the process of everything i am going through and feeling or not feeling and avoiding
january 15 2008
my son
Current mood: ashamed
i realize that i can not do this much longer...i feel so trapped and like there is no way out...my hands are tied...he is my son but yet she has raised him from birth...she has caused him so much instability and nothing i have ever wanted for him has ever mattered...now she tells me one night she wants to just let me have him and take care of him knowing how much pain i am from losing my parental rights to my other kids and that she needs time to herself and to get away he she is having difficulties with him...he took off from the house and couldnt be found...so of course i jumped i say i will do it she told me she didnt want to move him again and switch his schools and she wants me to take care of him...but yet then the next night she sounds like she is staying and is going to be there to control me and fuck with my head like so many times before... she has done this allowed me to have him and then took him from me when we disagreed about something else nothing to do with corey...so i dont want her to fuck with my head again...i just want out of this world
Current mood: ashamed
i realize that i can not do this much longer...i feel so trapped and like there is no way out...my hands are tied...he is my son but yet she has raised him from birth...she has caused him so much instability and nothing i have ever wanted for him has ever mattered...now she tells me one night she wants to just let me have him and take care of him knowing how much pain i am from losing my parental rights to my other kids and that she needs time to herself and to get away he she is having difficulties with him...he took off from the house and couldnt be found...so of course i jumped i say i will do it she told me she didnt want to move him again and switch his schools and she wants me to take care of him...but yet then the next night she sounds like she is staying and is going to be there to control me and fuck with my head like so many times before... she has done this allowed me to have him and then took him from me when we disagreed about something else nothing to do with corey...so i dont want her to fuck with my head again...i just want out of this world
january 20 2008
why bother
Current mood: ashamed
I sit here wondering why I continue to go to treatment and why I bother wasting everyone's time when I know that I have made a choice in my life to no longer continue going on but rather wait to my chosen day to end all this pain I have bottling up inside my darkened soul. Why should I continue going to all this shit and having others believe that I want help when inside I have made my choice and chosen not to go on and not to accept anyone's help?
Current mood: ashamed
I sit here wondering why I continue to go to treatment and why I bother wasting everyone's time when I know that I have made a choice in my life to no longer continue going on but rather wait to my chosen day to end all this pain I have bottling up inside my darkened soul. Why should I continue going to all this shit and having others believe that I want help when inside I have made my choice and chosen not to go on and not to accept anyone's help?
january 20 2008
many options
Current mood: contemplative
Here I am trying to ponder the many options I have to choose from. So many things left unresolved deep inside. I so wish could change it all and somehow no longer go through times where I feel I can not handle the pain that's been built up inside. As time passes by things become more and more buried inside but I don't believe some things will ever stop hurting or the memories will ever fade from my mind. There are some days I start to think that I have a chance to have a life. A life where these memories and pains no longer cause me to break down. A life where others respect me and value what I have to say and do. Where people look up to me and come to me because they need me and believe that I can do something. That I am not always going to be mentally looked at as invaluable and unable to live within normal limits whatever that may be for society these days or when that day comes. That I am not looked at as incapable or never able to fully become anything of value to anyone or anything in life. As much as I have changed over many years of my life alls I have done is become whatever the system has wanted me to become with their little labels from there DSM-IV rather than what I was supposed to be or what I wanted to be. Alls I have done some how is conformed to their societal views or what they perceived me to be because of some of my differences although not so much so because I am not that much different than a lot of others in society who have experienced trauma, loss, deception, and instability which accounts for so much more people in society than is documented. It is only that I voice my differences and express them due to my ability to not be ashamed of that part of who I have become which is a survivor and a fighter and I don't hide it and have some ego that allows others to believe that life is perfect and nothing ever happens or has ever happened and never will.
Current mood: contemplative
Here I am trying to ponder the many options I have to choose from. So many things left unresolved deep inside. I so wish could change it all and somehow no longer go through times where I feel I can not handle the pain that's been built up inside. As time passes by things become more and more buried inside but I don't believe some things will ever stop hurting or the memories will ever fade from my mind. There are some days I start to think that I have a chance to have a life. A life where these memories and pains no longer cause me to break down. A life where others respect me and value what I have to say and do. Where people look up to me and come to me because they need me and believe that I can do something. That I am not always going to be mentally looked at as invaluable and unable to live within normal limits whatever that may be for society these days or when that day comes. That I am not looked at as incapable or never able to fully become anything of value to anyone or anything in life. As much as I have changed over many years of my life alls I have done is become whatever the system has wanted me to become with their little labels from there DSM-IV rather than what I was supposed to be or what I wanted to be. Alls I have done some how is conformed to their societal views or what they perceived me to be because of some of my differences although not so much so because I am not that much different than a lot of others in society who have experienced trauma, loss, deception, and instability which accounts for so much more people in society than is documented. It is only that I voice my differences and express them due to my ability to not be ashamed of that part of who I have become which is a survivor and a fighter and I don't hide it and have some ego that allows others to believe that life is perfect and nothing ever happens or has ever happened and never will.
january 25 2008
tried getting into crisis stabilization both here in town and then an hour away to no avail...then it came down to it that i was going to have to go to the shelter and was distressed over that since it is where i was a year ago when i left my husband at one point and then went back to my house because all the bullshit...then i ran into a friend and he said he was going to talk to his mom about me renting a room off of them...well all and i got a place to stay...my therapist really was helpful today and spent the whole day with me due to my diffculties and indessiveness of living after what happened in therapy before all this she really showed me how much she cared and that maybe life will get better someday
january 31 2008
*****TRIGGER WARNING*****(CHILD ABUSE, MY MEMORIES)
Current mood: betrayed
well been sick past 2 days and really havent done much...i did go up my brothers yesturday to get some stuff...we didnt really sya anything to eachother...he made some comment about nobody believing me anyways so it dont matter as i was go in and out of my room with shit...kayla stayed in my room with me while i was packing and she kept asking aunty what u doing...really bothers me cause she is the one that is winters age and i was closest to...winter is turning 3 in a couple weeks...but anyways what bothers me most is my whole life no one believed me...growing up everywhere i turned to for help turned me away...i refused to go home from school one time cause i was afraid and alls the school did was drive me to social services and then at 5 pm when they were closing and did not want to listen to me i went to the police department and they didnt care either alls they did was call my mother to come get me and when i refused to leave they made me leave...i ended up not going with her i went to my aunts and when i went there she called my mom and told her i was going to stay there and i was okay...my mom ended up showing up there and told me that if i did not go out to the car now she was going to have her boyfriedn beat my ass in front of everyone...the same boyfriend that when i finally told her about him sexually abusing me when i was sixteen and he had been doing it since i was almost 13 she told me if he had had sex with me there would be things only some one who had sex with him would know and the only thing i could recall was he was uncircumsized and she told me anyone would know that...after that we never really have talked about it except when we are fighting and i hold a grudge because she continued to see him and talk to him even after they broke up...my brother james still talks to him and buys cars from him up until before they moved here...event though my mom is married to tom she still had him helping her move like when tom refused to drive the uhaul to missouri back in the end of 2001 then when dakoata was a baby she wanted me to let her take him to a cookout but yet i wasnt invited when i got there she had run to the store with my aunt and stephen was there corey was running around and i called her and flipped out told her my son did not belong around him and dakoata was not staying there with stephen there and she said that she had no control who was at the cookout and if i was going to be that way just cause he was there then dont expect anything from her...my whole life things have always come down to the fact that the rest of the kids kept there mouths shut with shit going on and because i always ended up saying something to someone i was treated like i wasnt part of them...if social services was coming i was told i better not say anything cause if she lost her kids she would never talk to me again when we were living in methuen on brown street...on pilling street when she was kicking me in the head while i was cowering she pushed my grandmother for getting involved in it and telling her to leave me alone...are relationship did seem better while i was pregnant with corey and then after he was born she did what my fathers family did with her maybe not to the same extent because they didnt let her feed me or hold me which really it wasnt that bad with corey with me she just constantly yelled at me for not letting my sister hold him and thats his aunt she can hold him...like she was the boss of him...i have always strived to be honest as long as i remember back really the only things i remember lying about is when things interfere with my plans to self injure and even then it is so hard for me to lie about that to certain people i have grown to sometype of trust with and have respect for...i know all this shit is the past and i need to get over it but how...how do i stop reliving the feelings from growing up whenever i feel the same feelings and stop having such a strong reaction to situations when they make me feel the same way from the past or even when i mildly feel the same way i react more than i should...yeah i know i have never dealt with any of this really and really have never delved indepth about my life...i have always avoided discussing anything really and have never worked on any of this shit and when i think about it i immediately try to hurt myself as a deterent rather than sitting through it...when i was six and i was being abused and didnt tell i was taught then to talk but never did my brother is the one who told and what happened we ended up in foster care then when i was 12 and stephen started touching me why didnt i stop it why did i allow it to continue...yes it was alot of different shit at the time he did stick up for me when my mom was treating me like shit...he did give me cigarettes and money all the time but i still knew it was wrong and even when i went into residential and it continued to happen on visits why didnt i say something then...so he showed me attention he told me he loved me all the time...but what is love...my mom never said she loved me except after beating me and then felt guilty for what she did and would tell me i love you but i dont know why you make me so angry at you...why is it that i feel i am the one who has dont something wrong my whole life because i allow shit to get to me and cant just let it go and forget about it...how is it that the rst of the kids have been able to live without allowing any of this shit to faize them and they have just been able to forget about this shit and go on about their lives...yeah they are younger than me and did not endure as much of the physical abuse from my mom but they witnessed it...my brother gene and i were the fuck ups i guess but yet gene is still protected by my mom why because he has always kept the code of silence since exposing the sexual abuse when him and i were young...is it because i cant keep my mouth shut...even though in reality i have held alot in...the only time shit comes out is when it gets too much for me to handle and i end up opening my mouth when i really dont want to...why is i feel like i dont belong to that family...but yet my mom has told me i might not even be my dads kid i might be his brother davids kid because he was still molesting my mom when she was with my dad...but yet then she allowed him to be around me and my brother and he touched us...why if she knew he was a child molester did she allow him around us...why didnt my mother protect us rather than put us in that situation...supposedly he was still doing it to her but she was an adult...will i ever get answers...will answers make a difference...will finding out the truth instead of coverup after coverup help...probably not so why is it that alls i do is search for answers or clues and question myself over and over...why do i question life so often...why do i feel like the fuckup when they are fucked up...i feel so alone and never have felt a part of them and why is it that i have always been so unwanted...how have i continued existing and cant get away from this life...how is it that when i feel i cant go on i somehow continue and even when i try not to go on i live through it...how do i escape all this and stop my pain i keep experiencing and get away from it all...i want to get away from life...i want my life to go away...erase the past and let me forget all this pain
Current mood: betrayed
well been sick past 2 days and really havent done much...i did go up my brothers yesturday to get some stuff...we didnt really sya anything to eachother...he made some comment about nobody believing me anyways so it dont matter as i was go in and out of my room with shit...kayla stayed in my room with me while i was packing and she kept asking aunty what u doing...really bothers me cause she is the one that is winters age and i was closest to...winter is turning 3 in a couple weeks...but anyways what bothers me most is my whole life no one believed me...growing up everywhere i turned to for help turned me away...i refused to go home from school one time cause i was afraid and alls the school did was drive me to social services and then at 5 pm when they were closing and did not want to listen to me i went to the police department and they didnt care either alls they did was call my mother to come get me and when i refused to leave they made me leave...i ended up not going with her i went to my aunts and when i went there she called my mom and told her i was going to stay there and i was okay...my mom ended up showing up there and told me that if i did not go out to the car now she was going to have her boyfriedn beat my ass in front of everyone...the same boyfriend that when i finally told her about him sexually abusing me when i was sixteen and he had been doing it since i was almost 13 she told me if he had had sex with me there would be things only some one who had sex with him would know and the only thing i could recall was he was uncircumsized and she told me anyone would know that...after that we never really have talked about it except when we are fighting and i hold a grudge because she continued to see him and talk to him even after they broke up...my brother james still talks to him and buys cars from him up until before they moved here...event though my mom is married to tom she still had him helping her move like when tom refused to drive the uhaul to missouri back in the end of 2001 then when dakoata was a baby she wanted me to let her take him to a cookout but yet i wasnt invited when i got there she had run to the store with my aunt and stephen was there corey was running around and i called her and flipped out told her my son did not belong around him and dakoata was not staying there with stephen there and she said that she had no control who was at the cookout and if i was going to be that way just cause he was there then dont expect anything from her...my whole life things have always come down to the fact that the rest of the kids kept there mouths shut with shit going on and because i always ended up saying something to someone i was treated like i wasnt part of them...if social services was coming i was told i better not say anything cause if she lost her kids she would never talk to me again when we were living in methuen on brown street...on pilling street when she was kicking me in the head while i was cowering she pushed my grandmother for getting involved in it and telling her to leave me alone...are relationship did seem better while i was pregnant with corey and then after he was born she did what my fathers family did with her maybe not to the same extent because they didnt let her feed me or hold me which really it wasnt that bad with corey with me she just constantly yelled at me for not letting my sister hold him and thats his aunt she can hold him...like she was the boss of him...i have always strived to be honest as long as i remember back really the only things i remember lying about is when things interfere with my plans to self injure and even then it is so hard for me to lie about that to certain people i have grown to sometype of trust with and have respect for...i know all this shit is the past and i need to get over it but how...how do i stop reliving the feelings from growing up whenever i feel the same feelings and stop having such a strong reaction to situations when they make me feel the same way from the past or even when i mildly feel the same way i react more than i should...yeah i know i have never dealt with any of this really and really have never delved indepth about my life...i have always avoided discussing anything really and have never worked on any of this shit and when i think about it i immediately try to hurt myself as a deterent rather than sitting through it...when i was six and i was being abused and didnt tell i was taught then to talk but never did my brother is the one who told and what happened we ended up in foster care then when i was 12 and stephen started touching me why didnt i stop it why did i allow it to continue...yes it was alot of different shit at the time he did stick up for me when my mom was treating me like shit...he did give me cigarettes and money all the time but i still knew it was wrong and even when i went into residential and it continued to happen on visits why didnt i say something then...so he showed me attention he told me he loved me all the time...but what is love...my mom never said she loved me except after beating me and then felt guilty for what she did and would tell me i love you but i dont know why you make me so angry at you...why is it that i feel i am the one who has dont something wrong my whole life because i allow shit to get to me and cant just let it go and forget about it...how is it that the rst of the kids have been able to live without allowing any of this shit to faize them and they have just been able to forget about this shit and go on about their lives...yeah they are younger than me and did not endure as much of the physical abuse from my mom but they witnessed it...my brother gene and i were the fuck ups i guess but yet gene is still protected by my mom why because he has always kept the code of silence since exposing the sexual abuse when him and i were young...is it because i cant keep my mouth shut...even though in reality i have held alot in...the only time shit comes out is when it gets too much for me to handle and i end up opening my mouth when i really dont want to...why is i feel like i dont belong to that family...but yet my mom has told me i might not even be my dads kid i might be his brother davids kid because he was still molesting my mom when she was with my dad...but yet then she allowed him to be around me and my brother and he touched us...why if she knew he was a child molester did she allow him around us...why didnt my mother protect us rather than put us in that situation...supposedly he was still doing it to her but she was an adult...will i ever get answers...will answers make a difference...will finding out the truth instead of coverup after coverup help...probably not so why is it that alls i do is search for answers or clues and question myself over and over...why do i question life so often...why do i feel like the fuckup when they are fucked up...i feel so alone and never have felt a part of them and why is it that i have always been so unwanted...how have i continued existing and cant get away from this life...how is it that when i feel i cant go on i somehow continue and even when i try not to go on i live through it...how do i escape all this and stop my pain i keep experiencing and get away from it all...i want to get away from life...i want my life to go away...erase the past and let me forget all this pain
April 21 2008
some things about me
Current mood: contemplative
hi i am trappedinlife...i am 28 years old and have been self harming since i was 15 years old but if i actually look back into my younger years i see many different actions that i did that actually harmed myself also even though i was not doing them to the same extent i have done in the past and do currently...when i was 15 i tried to commit suicide for the first time in my life when my oldest son was 6 weeks old...it was valentines day 1995 and of course i failed and ended up in the hospital which is where i first started my cutting...from the hospital i went and lived in an adolescent residential for emotionally disturbed teens i was there until august 1998 when i turned 19...while i was there my self harm just got worse and my hopelessness with life carried on...several times while in there i tried to kill myself with no success...i got out when i was 19 in agust 1998 and stayed with family friends here there everywhere even shelters and the park and sidewalks at times but none of this helped i was still cutting and continued to be in and out of hospitals for trying to commit suicide there was even several times when i would self harm while in the hospital...i also went to day treatment and alls i did there was avoid dealing with any real issues and had been in a constant state of crisis through therapy i made very few break throughs and many times just avoided and ran from anything that would cause me to remember my past...in may 2000 i found out i was pregnant with my 7 second child which gave me reason and meaning to survive...i stopped cutting and started to live...i began to go to school and got an apartment through my case manager at dmh...the father was not involved at the time since it was a one night thing but i did move into the same building he lived in which was somewhat strange and uncomfortable but i managed...when my second son was born we got together and i ended up pregnant 5 weeks after his birth and we got married 2 a month after that and moved to a bigger apartment...that was feb 2001 and we got married march 7th 2001...the physical abuse with him started not long after that and it continuied until last year when i finally was able to gain some courage through the help of therapy and treatment to get a protective order on him...in 2003 we seperated for 6 months in which he lied to courts to get emergency custody of the 2 kids which 5 days later ended up in foster care which they stayed there for 2 long years...during that 6 months we were seperated and it was torture he harrasseed me tried having me arrested on several occasions and shit like that telling lie after lie i ended up relapsing with my cutting which i had not done for over 2 years that febuary and was hospitalized then again i tried to overdose and kill myself in april of that year...after getting oput of the hospital i started to move forward and tried to get on with my life and fight for my children...in may 2003 i started to mess around with an old friend and ended up pregnant by the end of may...but i didnt know yet...when all a sudden my husband went to the person i had been messing with and said he wanted me back...i jumped back into that relationship with him and then found out i was pregnant a few weeks later...then i got pregnat with my 5th child a few months after my 4th child was born and the 2nd and 3rd child were still in foster care and my oldest child still lived with my mom...we moved around alot and finally proved enough stability to get the 2 back from the state on feb 25th 2005 when my youngest and last chiold was 9 days old and the forth child was a year old that day that the second and third child came home...it was long there after that there were abuse towards the children and myself and the stability went down hill quickly...instead of being able to get things straight we moved out of state to avoid the issues that were happening and lost the 4 youngest children jan 18th 2006...i was still under his control even after finding out about my daughters sexual abuse by him which i found out august 2006...he was continuing to do what he wanted with me when he wanted it and i allowed it i guess...i didntr get away from him until april 2 2007 which was too late for me to regain custody of the kids and i lost my rights due to my inability to stabilize myself...i had relapsed back into my self harm feb 2006 and have not been able to gain control over it since...i have tried to kill myself on several occassions and been in and out of icu and the psychiatric hospitals and treatment centers since losing them...now i have lsot all my rights to them and can no longer see them find out about them or have anything to do with them...they all will be adopted at some point...the 3 youngest have already been adopted and as for my 7 year old he is in a residential for children with behavoir difficulties and supposed to be going to a home when he is stable enough...my oldest son who is now 13 lives 12 hours away still with my mother and i see him periodically...he will be coming down for the whole summer and i am excited...i talk to him almost everyday and am worried bout his mental health and what he has gone through in his life but he is the type that holds everything in and takes it out on his school work and has for years...i am currently free from self harm since tuesday april 15th 2008 which is not long but i am truing hour by hour to stay free even with these urges i continue to have...i currently am in dbt and have been in it since august 1998 with the middle years when i had my children when i didnt go at all and was in no kinda of treatment at all...now i am in dbt, therapy, accupunture and group therapy, and a trauma recovery group that is very difficult to be in but i am sticking it out since i quit it last year and trying to work through my life and suffering
Current mood: contemplative
hi i am trappedinlife...i am 28 years old and have been self harming since i was 15 years old but if i actually look back into my younger years i see many different actions that i did that actually harmed myself also even though i was not doing them to the same extent i have done in the past and do currently...when i was 15 i tried to commit suicide for the first time in my life when my oldest son was 6 weeks old...it was valentines day 1995 and of course i failed and ended up in the hospital which is where i first started my cutting...from the hospital i went and lived in an adolescent residential for emotionally disturbed teens i was there until august 1998 when i turned 19...while i was there my self harm just got worse and my hopelessness with life carried on...several times while in there i tried to kill myself with no success...i got out when i was 19 in agust 1998 and stayed with family friends here there everywhere even shelters and the park and sidewalks at times but none of this helped i was still cutting and continued to be in and out of hospitals for trying to commit suicide there was even several times when i would self harm while in the hospital...i also went to day treatment and alls i did there was avoid dealing with any real issues and had been in a constant state of crisis through therapy i made very few break throughs and many times just avoided and ran from anything that would cause me to remember my past...in may 2000 i found out i was pregnant with my 7 second child which gave me reason and meaning to survive...i stopped cutting and started to live...i began to go to school and got an apartment through my case manager at dmh...the father was not involved at the time since it was a one night thing but i did move into the same building he lived in which was somewhat strange and uncomfortable but i managed...when my second son was born we got together and i ended up pregnant 5 weeks after his birth and we got married 2 a month after that and moved to a bigger apartment...that was feb 2001 and we got married march 7th 2001...the physical abuse with him started not long after that and it continuied until last year when i finally was able to gain some courage through the help of therapy and treatment to get a protective order on him...in 2003 we seperated for 6 months in which he lied to courts to get emergency custody of the 2 kids which 5 days later ended up in foster care which they stayed there for 2 long years...during that 6 months we were seperated and it was torture he harrasseed me tried having me arrested on several occasions and shit like that telling lie after lie i ended up relapsing with my cutting which i had not done for over 2 years that febuary and was hospitalized then again i tried to overdose and kill myself in april of that year...after getting oput of the hospital i started to move forward and tried to get on with my life and fight for my children...in may 2003 i started to mess around with an old friend and ended up pregnant by the end of may...but i didnt know yet...when all a sudden my husband went to the person i had been messing with and said he wanted me back...i jumped back into that relationship with him and then found out i was pregnant a few weeks later...then i got pregnat with my 5th child a few months after my 4th child was born and the 2nd and 3rd child were still in foster care and my oldest child still lived with my mom...we moved around alot and finally proved enough stability to get the 2 back from the state on feb 25th 2005 when my youngest and last chiold was 9 days old and the forth child was a year old that day that the second and third child came home...it was long there after that there were abuse towards the children and myself and the stability went down hill quickly...instead of being able to get things straight we moved out of state to avoid the issues that were happening and lost the 4 youngest children jan 18th 2006...i was still under his control even after finding out about my daughters sexual abuse by him which i found out august 2006...he was continuing to do what he wanted with me when he wanted it and i allowed it i guess...i didntr get away from him until april 2 2007 which was too late for me to regain custody of the kids and i lost my rights due to my inability to stabilize myself...i had relapsed back into my self harm feb 2006 and have not been able to gain control over it since...i have tried to kill myself on several occassions and been in and out of icu and the psychiatric hospitals and treatment centers since losing them...now i have lsot all my rights to them and can no longer see them find out about them or have anything to do with them...they all will be adopted at some point...the 3 youngest have already been adopted and as for my 7 year old he is in a residential for children with behavoir difficulties and supposed to be going to a home when he is stable enough...my oldest son who is now 13 lives 12 hours away still with my mother and i see him periodically...he will be coming down for the whole summer and i am excited...i talk to him almost everyday and am worried bout his mental health and what he has gone through in his life but he is the type that holds everything in and takes it out on his school work and has for years...i am currently free from self harm since tuesday april 15th 2008 which is not long but i am truing hour by hour to stay free even with these urges i continue to have...i currently am in dbt and have been in it since august 1998 with the middle years when i had my children when i didnt go at all and was in no kinda of treatment at all...now i am in dbt, therapy, accupunture and group therapy, and a trauma recovery group that is very difficult to be in but i am sticking it out since i quit it last year and trying to work through my life and suffering
April 21 2008
thoughts about my life and therapy
Current mood: ashamed
every week i go through so much in my mind and want to let it out and talk about it but it seems when i get to therapy i just cant...sometimes i have a hard time even looking at my therapist...it is like she already knows too much about me and i am ashamed to be face to face with her...i wish i could just let it all out and not keep holding it inside...when i do let it out it is by writing but it doesnt seem to go away...i write to my therapist more easily than i do talking to her and yes my writing is an outlet but yet i cant face talking bout the pain only writing...maybe i let her know too much and cant face her after she knows who i really am...she dont understand that even though i was 12 that i knew the difference between right and wrong because i had already gone through it once before when i was a child from 4-6 years old...so i knew what was happening should not have happened but yet i allowed it and became a whore instead...i went out searching for grown men to fuck me even though i didnt know them and didnt even know their names at times...i would be suductive as i was walking down the street or in the park just wanting someone to have sex with me...i was a 12 or 13 year old whore who just looked for someone to love me...i never have found love...i was married and still am even though we have been seperated for a year and i allowed him to treat me how he wanted most of the time...he did what he wanted even when i didnt want to...most of the time i laid there and couldnt even remember some of it as if i was somewhere else...i did this as a teenager also...my moms boyfriend constantly reminded me that i couldnt say anything or he wopuld get into trouble so i didnt until 4 years of it had gone on...but even then there are only few memories of it...i remember the first time and the very last time but not much about in between those 4 years just brief memories here and there about it...i try to get my therapist to understand that i knew it was wrong and allowed it to go on for years so in a way i am at fault...yes he was a 40 year old man and i was just 12 but i should have said no and not protected him all those years even though he protected me from my mothers physical and emotional abuse alot...i want her to understand how at faul;t i am for my daughters abuse...my daughter was an innocent child who my husband had no right to steal her innocense and i had no right to be blinded and not see her pain but instead i believe him and not my inner feelings that something was wrong and happening to her by him...everytime he did something that i caught and felt very uncomfortable about i flipped out on him and was told by him that i was over reacting and i was sick in my fucking head and that just because i was sexually abused as a child by family doesnt mean that he was doing anything to our daughter...and this was drilled in my head several times over her short life that we had her...i ignored her cries for help i was too wrapped up in the other kids and their issues to see her pain...my mother was just too wrapped up in herself her jobs and her men to see my pain...but i was constantly on the run trying to care for the other 3 that had eating issues behavoir issues physical issues back and forth to the drs and shit with the other three that when she missed behaved i spent a little time with her by taking her shopping with me or something but she never trusted me i guess to let me know how he was hurting her i never allowed her to trust me as much as i talked with her and tried to show her i loved her and that she was beutiful and my world i really didnt spend alot of time with her to allow her to trust me and see how much i loved her and what she meant to me...my therapist tries to get me to see that my child hood was so fucked up that alls i knew was chaos and instability and this is why i couldnt give my kids stability but no matter what i did to try to provide stability it was never enough and alls i did was run from everything whenever there was a fear in me i could not bear...my therapist wants me to let her in and what happenins is i let her in just a bit and then put up 3 more walls to keep her out once i feel vulnerable and like she just likes to her about everyones misery and it really dont matter to her who you are or what u have been through or how you became who you became she always just wants you to talk about shit and let her in only for her to leave you stranded with that pain once it is brought up...i feel like she wants me to just let it all out and get over it but there is no getting over losing my kids because of my inability to protect them...my therapist dont see what a low life i really am she dont understand that i allowed my kids to experience the abuse they endured...there were many times i watched my husband smash our son upside his head and alls i did was scream yell and hit him but yet stayed...even when i did try to leave on a few occasions i allowed my fear and insecurities to rule me instead and came back...i feel guilty for my childrens pain i feel i caused it even if i didnt physically hurt them i feel like i hurt them even worse then he ever could have...i want my therapist to see what a fucking inadequate mother i was and how i dont deserve to be happy because i allowed so many lives to be destroyed...want her to understand that i deserve to be punished i dont deserve to get anywhere in life i deserve to be tortured and killed...i want her to understand how much a bad terrible person i am i want her to look at all the bad shit i have done and do do instead of trying to look at and search for positive shit that really will never compare to the awful shit i have done in life...she will never understand how much i dont deserve a life she dont know the real me the me that has hurt so many people and allowed them to be repeatedly hurt and ignoring the feelings that boiled inside and protected the scum who did this..she dont know how much i am at fauld for ruining lives and how much i am at fault for what has happened in my life even as a teenager she dont want to see that i am at fault for what has happened in my life...i just wish someone would hunt me down and toture and murder me...i deserve to be tortured and killed slowly a painful death
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/feelingtrapped1979/blog#ixzz14pw6CAql
Current mood: ashamed
every week i go through so much in my mind and want to let it out and talk about it but it seems when i get to therapy i just cant...sometimes i have a hard time even looking at my therapist...it is like she already knows too much about me and i am ashamed to be face to face with her...i wish i could just let it all out and not keep holding it inside...when i do let it out it is by writing but it doesnt seem to go away...i write to my therapist more easily than i do talking to her and yes my writing is an outlet but yet i cant face talking bout the pain only writing...maybe i let her know too much and cant face her after she knows who i really am...she dont understand that even though i was 12 that i knew the difference between right and wrong because i had already gone through it once before when i was a child from 4-6 years old...so i knew what was happening should not have happened but yet i allowed it and became a whore instead...i went out searching for grown men to fuck me even though i didnt know them and didnt even know their names at times...i would be suductive as i was walking down the street or in the park just wanting someone to have sex with me...i was a 12 or 13 year old whore who just looked for someone to love me...i never have found love...i was married and still am even though we have been seperated for a year and i allowed him to treat me how he wanted most of the time...he did what he wanted even when i didnt want to...most of the time i laid there and couldnt even remember some of it as if i was somewhere else...i did this as a teenager also...my moms boyfriend constantly reminded me that i couldnt say anything or he wopuld get into trouble so i didnt until 4 years of it had gone on...but even then there are only few memories of it...i remember the first time and the very last time but not much about in between those 4 years just brief memories here and there about it...i try to get my therapist to understand that i knew it was wrong and allowed it to go on for years so in a way i am at fault...yes he was a 40 year old man and i was just 12 but i should have said no and not protected him all those years even though he protected me from my mothers physical and emotional abuse alot...i want her to understand how at faul;t i am for my daughters abuse...my daughter was an innocent child who my husband had no right to steal her innocense and i had no right to be blinded and not see her pain but instead i believe him and not my inner feelings that something was wrong and happening to her by him...everytime he did something that i caught and felt very uncomfortable about i flipped out on him and was told by him that i was over reacting and i was sick in my fucking head and that just because i was sexually abused as a child by family doesnt mean that he was doing anything to our daughter...and this was drilled in my head several times over her short life that we had her...i ignored her cries for help i was too wrapped up in the other kids and their issues to see her pain...my mother was just too wrapped up in herself her jobs and her men to see my pain...but i was constantly on the run trying to care for the other 3 that had eating issues behavoir issues physical issues back and forth to the drs and shit with the other three that when she missed behaved i spent a little time with her by taking her shopping with me or something but she never trusted me i guess to let me know how he was hurting her i never allowed her to trust me as much as i talked with her and tried to show her i loved her and that she was beutiful and my world i really didnt spend alot of time with her to allow her to trust me and see how much i loved her and what she meant to me...my therapist tries to get me to see that my child hood was so fucked up that alls i knew was chaos and instability and this is why i couldnt give my kids stability but no matter what i did to try to provide stability it was never enough and alls i did was run from everything whenever there was a fear in me i could not bear...my therapist wants me to let her in and what happenins is i let her in just a bit and then put up 3 more walls to keep her out once i feel vulnerable and like she just likes to her about everyones misery and it really dont matter to her who you are or what u have been through or how you became who you became she always just wants you to talk about shit and let her in only for her to leave you stranded with that pain once it is brought up...i feel like she wants me to just let it all out and get over it but there is no getting over losing my kids because of my inability to protect them...my therapist dont see what a low life i really am she dont understand that i allowed my kids to experience the abuse they endured...there were many times i watched my husband smash our son upside his head and alls i did was scream yell and hit him but yet stayed...even when i did try to leave on a few occasions i allowed my fear and insecurities to rule me instead and came back...i feel guilty for my childrens pain i feel i caused it even if i didnt physically hurt them i feel like i hurt them even worse then he ever could have...i want my therapist to see what a fucking inadequate mother i was and how i dont deserve to be happy because i allowed so many lives to be destroyed...want her to understand that i deserve to be punished i dont deserve to get anywhere in life i deserve to be tortured and killed...i want her to understand how much a bad terrible person i am i want her to look at all the bad shit i have done and do do instead of trying to look at and search for positive shit that really will never compare to the awful shit i have done in life...she will never understand how much i dont deserve a life she dont know the real me the me that has hurt so many people and allowed them to be repeatedly hurt and ignoring the feelings that boiled inside and protected the scum who did this..she dont know how much i am at fauld for ruining lives and how much i am at fault for what has happened in my life even as a teenager she dont want to see that i am at fault for what has happened in my life...i just wish someone would hunt me down and toture and murder me...i deserve to be tortured and killed slowly a painful death
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/feelingtrapped1979/blog#ixzz14pw6CAql
sept 25 2010
I spent most of the day today from about 2 p, until about an hour ago researching the websites of online pharmacies and what they call iops where I can order my last doses of pills I will ever take. Although I have not ordered any and do not have the money and probably wont have the money for quite some time. When I do have the money I plan on placing an order and it will take about 4 weeks to receive the items and then I will choose when adn where and if I will even follow through with my decision. The last time I did this I researched the people and companies for a couple months then placed the order and then held the pills for another 6 weeks before carrying out my plan and ended up failing.
I realize my mistake back then and had not ordered enough of each type of pills and had not drank any alcohol along with the phenobarbitol and ativan and the neighbor had interfered in my plan and ended up finding me and calling 911. This time when and if I do it I will hike up into the woods and take the pills once I reach and area far enough in the mountains to lay down and silently rest in peace in an area where no cell can pick up signals and no one can interfere in my plans,
I have alot to think about before making my final decision regarding this as I am scared and not sure I want to commit to this as I know my son will hurt and I do not want to cause him harm but how much harm am I causing him currently by being unable to be available to him emotionally and not really communicating with him as he seems not want to be bothered and consistantly says I bother him when I try to hang with him while he is on his computer and I try to talk with him. Instead he may be better off with me gone. But it soething I really need to make a sound decision about before I act. I spent most of the day today from about 2 p, until about an hour ago researching the websites of online pharmacies and what they call iops where I can order my last doses of pills I will ever take. Although I have not ordered any and do not have the money and probably wont have the money for quite some time. When I do have the money I plan on placing an order and it will take about 4 weeks to receive the items and then I will choose when adn where and if I will even follow through with my decision. The last time I did this I researched the people and companies for a couple months then placed the order and then held the pills for another 6 weeks before carrying out my plan and ended up failing.I realize my mistake back then and had not ordered enough of each type of pills and had not drank any alcohol along with the phenobarbitol and ativan and the neighbor had interfered in my plan and ended up finding me and calling 911. This time when and if I do it I will hike up into the woods and take the pills once I reach and area far enough in the mountains to lay down and silently rest in peace in an area where no cell can pick up signals and no one can interfere in my plans,I have alot to think about before making my final decision regarding this as I am scared and not sure I want to commit to this as I know my son will hurt and I do not want to cause him harm but how much harm am I causing him currently by being unable to be available to him emotionally and not really communicating with him as he seems not want to be bothered and consistantly says I bother him when I try to hang with him while he is on his computer and I try to talk with him. Instead he may be better off with me gone. But it soething I really need to make a sound decision about before I act.
I realize my mistake back then and had not ordered enough of each type of pills and had not drank any alcohol along with the phenobarbitol and ativan and the neighbor had interfered in my plan and ended up finding me and calling 911. This time when and if I do it I will hike up into the woods and take the pills once I reach and area far enough in the mountains to lay down and silently rest in peace in an area where no cell can pick up signals and no one can interfere in my plans,
I have alot to think about before making my final decision regarding this as I am scared and not sure I want to commit to this as I know my son will hurt and I do not want to cause him harm but how much harm am I causing him currently by being unable to be available to him emotionally and not really communicating with him as he seems not want to be bothered and consistantly says I bother him when I try to hang with him while he is on his computer and I try to talk with him. Instead he may be better off with me gone. But it soething I really need to make a sound decision about before I act. I spent most of the day today from about 2 p, until about an hour ago researching the websites of online pharmacies and what they call iops where I can order my last doses of pills I will ever take. Although I have not ordered any and do not have the money and probably wont have the money for quite some time. When I do have the money I plan on placing an order and it will take about 4 weeks to receive the items and then I will choose when adn where and if I will even follow through with my decision. The last time I did this I researched the people and companies for a couple months then placed the order and then held the pills for another 6 weeks before carrying out my plan and ended up failing.I realize my mistake back then and had not ordered enough of each type of pills and had not drank any alcohol along with the phenobarbitol and ativan and the neighbor had interfered in my plan and ended up finding me and calling 911. This time when and if I do it I will hike up into the woods and take the pills once I reach and area far enough in the mountains to lay down and silently rest in peace in an area where no cell can pick up signals and no one can interfere in my plans,I have alot to think about before making my final decision regarding this as I am scared and not sure I want to commit to this as I know my son will hurt and I do not want to cause him harm but how much harm am I causing him currently by being unable to be available to him emotionally and not really communicating with him as he seems not want to be bothered and consistantly says I bother him when I try to hang with him while he is on his computer and I try to talk with him. Instead he may be better off with me gone. But it soething I really need to make a sound decision about before I act.
january 2 2010
So here, it is the New Year 2010. It has already started out worse than last year began. I guess this could be a sign for the misery I will face this coming year. I am already actively depressed and wanting to just curl up and escape this thing, everyone calls LIFE.
Well what exactly is life supposed to be? I try hard to fill my time by going to school. Do I really believe that going to school will ever get me any closer to having a LIFE? NO! of course I do not believe it will help but at the moment it is all that is really keeping me stabilized and in check to the point where I do not hurt myself enough to end up in the hospital and unable for me to function in order to get my school work done. Yes, I have cut myself while taking classes and allowed it to keep me even enough for me to function enough to continue to go to school and get my class work done also. The cutting has helped me to get through.
Now my son is living here and I have not been using my cutting as a way to function and get by. Nevertheless, the cutting is going to be needed soon as I am falling and do not feel myself getting out of this. Yes there are times when I get out of it temporarily when I am around people and unable to think too much. However, when I am alone I realize all that is happening in my life as my life begins crumbling and is getting close to crashing I end up thinking about the only escape I know. My escape is my cutting but even those thoughts are getting too much and I am starting to just want to give up and say fuck everything. Fuck my so-called life and all that it entails. I want just to get out of this. I just want to get away and never have to deal or think about the pain and suffering I have put my kids and people in my life. I just wish that people would understand how much better life would be in they had never met me or if I had already succeeded in my demise.
This new year has already bothered me enough that I am seriously just wanting for my son to go with my mother so I then could have a final straw to give into my thoughts and desires to kill myself and take away all that others so call like in me. I do not see or understand what others like in me, as there is really nothing about me that is good. They say I am pretty but I am not they just say that to try to make me feel better when in actuality I am a low life nasty looking bitch. They say I have a good personality but do I really. What kind of person like me has a good personality if they are fine one minute and then just wanting to be alone and not be bothered so I can self-destruct? How can I make people understand I am no good and they do not really want me around? I am useless and everything I do ends up being fucked up or I fail at things. How do I make people understand that I am a problem and my depression and self-destruction is too much for others? How do I make them realize that they do not need me around, as I will only cause them stress as they worry what I may do to myself?
To be honest someday I will end up killing myself through suicide whether it be accidentally because I am hurting and just want the pain and misery to go away or I will plan and succeed it. I someday will succeed at the one thing in my life that will complete me and take away all the shit others endure from me being around. I hope my death will come sooner than later but time will only tell. I can only hope that my time is ending and all this dissipates as I dying at my own hands. I want to die. I am sick of crying and sick of trying. I just want my life to end
Well what exactly is life supposed to be? I try hard to fill my time by going to school. Do I really believe that going to school will ever get me any closer to having a LIFE? NO! of course I do not believe it will help but at the moment it is all that is really keeping me stabilized and in check to the point where I do not hurt myself enough to end up in the hospital and unable for me to function in order to get my school work done. Yes, I have cut myself while taking classes and allowed it to keep me even enough for me to function enough to continue to go to school and get my class work done also. The cutting has helped me to get through.
Now my son is living here and I have not been using my cutting as a way to function and get by. Nevertheless, the cutting is going to be needed soon as I am falling and do not feel myself getting out of this. Yes there are times when I get out of it temporarily when I am around people and unable to think too much. However, when I am alone I realize all that is happening in my life as my life begins crumbling and is getting close to crashing I end up thinking about the only escape I know. My escape is my cutting but even those thoughts are getting too much and I am starting to just want to give up and say fuck everything. Fuck my so-called life and all that it entails. I want just to get out of this. I just want to get away and never have to deal or think about the pain and suffering I have put my kids and people in my life. I just wish that people would understand how much better life would be in they had never met me or if I had already succeeded in my demise.
This new year has already bothered me enough that I am seriously just wanting for my son to go with my mother so I then could have a final straw to give into my thoughts and desires to kill myself and take away all that others so call like in me. I do not see or understand what others like in me, as there is really nothing about me that is good. They say I am pretty but I am not they just say that to try to make me feel better when in actuality I am a low life nasty looking bitch. They say I have a good personality but do I really. What kind of person like me has a good personality if they are fine one minute and then just wanting to be alone and not be bothered so I can self-destruct? How can I make people understand I am no good and they do not really want me around? I am useless and everything I do ends up being fucked up or I fail at things. How do I make people understand that I am a problem and my depression and self-destruction is too much for others? How do I make them realize that they do not need me around, as I will only cause them stress as they worry what I may do to myself?
To be honest someday I will end up killing myself through suicide whether it be accidentally because I am hurting and just want the pain and misery to go away or I will plan and succeed it. I someday will succeed at the one thing in my life that will complete me and take away all the shit others endure from me being around. I hope my death will come sooner than later but time will only tell. I can only hope that my time is ending and all this dissipates as I dying at my own hands. I want to die. I am sick of crying and sick of trying. I just want my life to end
april 11 2010
As i once told the psychologist who was doing my evaluation...that if he went and had an evaluation and did not disclose his being a psychologist he would be diagnosed with something also...because that is what they are being paid to do...label you with something from the DSM...if every person was forced to be evaluated at a particular age say 18 every last human would be diagnosed as having some sort of disorder...so who is to say we are "abnormal"...Is my coping and maladaptive behavior abnormal because society says it is not normal? Well what would be a "normal" reaction to the experiences and trauma I have gone through in my life? Why are they not "NORMAL" reactions or responses?
june 9 2009
I am so tired of being used by people in my life specifically men. i try hard to get away from situations that I do not like or things I do not want to do and what happens men come around and fuck with my mind. I want an escape away from all this. I want them to go away and stay away. I would liek for all their people to stop calling my house and when they do for these men to be men and tell these people to stop calling here and that they do not want to be bothered. But no instead these supposed men or should I say little boys refuse to answer the phone to the people and the people call numerous times and then when and if I answer then I have to lie and say these little boys are not here when they really are. These people who call for them know they are here and know I am lying. These 2 men play off of eachother telling these people the other is here and so on and so forth so I am caught in the middle of all their bullshit. Then one of the huys wants to be with me just to use me and it always ends with us arguing but then he eventually comes back. I no longer have care for him I kinda am rageful about him but yet then he tries to be so nice when he wants to get back on my good side but then treats me like shit again and again. Then the other man is a great guy and he treats me very good almost seems too good to be true but he has been doing this for quite a while but I am just afraid to get involved. He has some faults and is involved in stuff that I want to stay away from but yet when he is around it is hard not to want to do those things or to stay away from it. Yes at times he is helpful and stays away from it for my sake mostly but then atleastI every few weeks it starts over. I have tried to get away from ehre and want to move so much but cant for some reason. People here like me and I am not quite sure why but I also am not sure where I would go and I know if I go into the shelter my son can not spend nights with me and where will I take him during the day to spend time with him since alls he wants to do while he is here is playing on the computer or play on his xbox. If I have no place for him to do that then he will not want to spend time with me plus it is not really comfortable weather for him to be outside hanging at a park or something and I know he will not want to do that. I feel trapped here/ I do not see an escape away from here. Why is it I always seem to get involved with negative peopel and why is it I can not stay to myself and keep people away from and for me to stay away from them. I think I would be alright if i could learn to stay to myself and not be such a people person. If I could hibernate I would be alot better off. but for soem reason I can not. I have less than 2 weeks to my planned date to escape all this pain and misery but still have not been able to get enough shit to carry my plans out. So what do I do? How do I obtain the means to do myself in if no one is willing to help obtain the need shit and I have no means of obtaining the shit currently but yet I am desperate. I want out of this world and the pain I endure day in and day out.
june 12 2009
So it is that simple I guess. Not quite sure it really is as simple as you just made it. I feel so hopeless right now. There is nothing left to fight for. Nothing to keep going. The drive home felt like forever trying to hold the tears in. I guess reality is hitting. I see the fight is gone there is nothing really worth holding onto. No one is really reliable. I see how simple is for people to just walk away and let go of. Why is it that people can let go of me so easily but yet I have such a hard time letting go of people places or things. Have you decided I am not worth it no more. I know things are just difficult and I am not really doing anything but I told you that 2 years ago. You are just now confirming that. Are you giving up? I gave up a long time ago. I knew there was never a chance. There never has been a chance. Why now? What did I do this time rather than all the other times when I wanted you to give up and see things were never going to get any better. I guess this is it. I guess its up to me now. Not sure I am strong enough to make it through but do u you really think that I ever believed that anyone really ever cared and was going to fight for me? NO, I never could really trust or believe any of you. I never said you had to do case management that was something you took on. Yes you could have let go a few months back when I was not seeing Pam but that was a decision you made or the agency made or whatever. I am not sure. Why now throw it back in my face. Okay so maybe I do not know all that is happening but neither do you. Yes it may seem I have control over so much but when things are happening it just feels I have no control. I know you say these things are up to me to control but I just CAN NOT control any of it. Yeah decisions are a struggle for me but yet it seems when I do make a decision it is never the right one. Even when it is a decision that is good for me it seems all it is chalked up to be in my mind is not what it really is. I sometimes really believe things will get better but it appears that is not ever going to happen. I can not do this on my own but yet it seems I am alone in this world. Sometimes when I am around others even doing some of the things I do I feel normal. I feel okay but inside I know this stuff is wrong but can not stop it. Just like when I was a teenager I knew the stuff should not be going on it was wrong but yet I felt trapped like there was nothing I could do about it. I did nothing about it. I just kept allowing it to happen and when it happened it felt like I mattered and someone really cared about me. Things in my life currently feel the same way. I hang out with people. Do things with them. Drugs, sexual stuff, codependency stuff and in the midst of it it seems okay. It seems there is really normalcy in my life but when I am alone by myself and I think about it and feel trapped in it. I know it is not the right things, I know its not having a life, I know it is not what “NORMAL” people do but yet its my destiny I guess. I feel so unable to really control it even though you say it is within my control. Sleeping forever seems so contentful but yet so scary so I am living some fantasy trying to live in a fucked up world, a fucked up life, trying to convince myself that NORMALCY is possible. I suppose what I am doing now is the most peace I will have within my life. This actually may be the most normal things have ever been for me. I am not sure maybe the life I am leading currently is normal! Yeah I am sleeping a lot. Yeah I am socializing. Even if that socialization costs me. What does it cost? Material things? Who cares? Money is not everything! Do I need it probably not. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests basic needs food, water, and shelter as a foundation for all humans. I am not sure any of that is what is need for me to achieve the contentment I am seeking. I have food water, and shelter. I have more than that but still have no foundation My son is sleeping and was when I walked in the door. I feel so alone but yet he is here my dog is here and I have people in the neighborhood I could go see but yet I sit here writing this wondering why I even bother. I always believe there is something I am missing and try to seek it but yet can not figure out what it is. If I never know I am always seeking something that has no true way of helping me since it is not ever really missing. I never had a whole lot to begin with so really what is it that I am seeking or missing? I know a lot of this probably does not seem valid to you or anyone else but there is a void that no matter what I do never really fulfills anything. That void was there before my kids were born it was there as a child and now it is still here. Yeah my kids may have blocked it but I felt a void somewhat then. Not to the extent I feel it now but it was there. I never really do as well as I expect and anything I ever expect to work does not work. Anything I allow others to lead me towards that is supposed to work or help ends up not what I expected. If I always fail then why keep trying. If I do not try then I won’t fail. That also means that I will never succeed either. So it is a no win situation but also seems that trying has not helped either. I still fail and can not seem to succeed.
may 14 2009
Hello. I just figured since everytime I come to therapy with you I have difficulties talking I would atleast write to you and maybe that will be a start for our session in the morning which you probably won't get this till before I see you anyways and it will be fresh in your mind. Well anyways DBT group I felt went well for the most part although I realize I did get annoying. It is difficult for me to sit through the whole thing normally I guess and I get unfocused. I am ready to stop going to group but I am not ready to go to Continuing care DBT group as I know what the skills are and am very able to help and explain them to others and I am also able to give examples for the most part and help others learn and try to understand them but I am using them regularly and have a hard time seeing when I am using them the way they are supposed to be used as opposed to manipulating the skills in a way that justifies my wants, needs, and desires. I actually like helping out with others who want to learn the skills but then also feel that I am hipercritical and have no right to tell people how to use them when I can not use them effectively. I think what it all boils down to in my head is I do not have a life worth living when I use them or when I do not use them and I analyze too many things to an extent in which I am able to find the loopholes and manipulate them to use negavtively more than positively. I also know that I am using the word manipulate alot in this letter because it seems that you feel I manipulate everything and everyone so it appears to fit here more than in any context you have tried to use it with with me. yes I do manipulate skills and things I do in my life to justify my behavoirs and lack of happiness and shit like that but I do not purposely manipulate people and that is where I get offended and build my walls up. I also know that I need to start working on things with you because to me it appears I am just coming there and nothing is changing but yet everything seems to be going away and the professionals such as yourself are the ones feeling I do not need the services but yet I do not see much has changed and really my life appears to be a chaotic mess. I also know that I am the one who allows my life to be this way but how do I stop it? You have stuck with me through thick and thin these past few years and really has not been as long as you think or feel considering the time I have been in treament for mental health but I realize maybe it has been too long for you. Maybe you feel overwelmed and burnt out a bit with me. I do not know but not really sure where we are not really working on anything that I should be working on talking about and learning to let go of maybe we should begin the process of ending treatment altogether. Maybe I can see you tommorrow and 1 more time this month and start out done with DBT and therapy. Maybe it is just time to fly free out of the nest away from comfort and all I really know. I did it before until I was forced by social services to have treatment again. Maybe we can try it and see how it goes? Maybe like say we will schedule an appointment in September which is right after the fall semester begins and I have hopefully found myself a place in Lynchburg and wont need it at all. What do you think? You probably are thinking it is not a great idea but why put yourself through the burnout and stress of seeing me and talkign to me when I am not really doing any work with you as I should. I am having a hard time talking bout stuff that happens and that I have been through and that is being triggered by things occuring currently and by myself placing myself in that situation so then it just feels so lonly and as if I will never be able to unburden myself and let this stuff and let it go or get over so then why continue to use your time in an unproductive manor when others in the area really need help and you could be helping them. You could be showing them a better way of life rather than me taking the time I have and not using it th e way it is meant to be used. Well I guess this should be alot to discus more than enough and probably alot to digest at once and figure out analyze and comprehend so I will elave it at this and maybe these are the things that should be talked about tomorrow at the beginning of our session as they are important and time should be spent on them. I will see you at 10am. probably be ther ebefore then depends on the taxi if you need to see me earlier. Take care. Have good night if you get this before the morning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)