Feeling Words in Use

Feeling Words in Use

Feeling Words in Use

Feeling Words in Use

Feeling Words in Use

Feeling Words in Use

Environmental Change is often my way of escaping pain

i do not own this picture nor the thought behind the words....

I understand this feeling though I have taken the evironmental change as an escape and ended up in a worse place than I was before running from the life I had. I have also done the change everything on the outside and still did not feel anything different inside. I have done this my whole life since I was raised by my mother who tried to change the environment we lived in but never changed herself and alls we ever did was move so i learned that way of life though we always ended up back where we were orignally from. Now I am 12 hours away and when I moved here things got worse and although they have settled somewhat I still feel just as miserable inside. just the past few days I have thought about moving away escaping this place and trying to start over again only to realize I cannot because I am forever stuck here. But if i one day decide it is ok for me to leave I am going to make sure that it is not under an emotional circumstance and a desire to run, avoid, escape, or to start over because I go wherever I move and if i have not changed the inside of me then there is no sense in trying to change everything around me.

abandonment and treatment providers effects on the role of abandonment

Why is it when people work in the system they always seem to walk away whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally. They walk away physically more often then mentally and emotionally. But once they walk away physically the mental and emotional parts of them are gone also. But when they emotionally walk away and are still physically there it is hurtful and painful. I believe it is even more damaging, atleast for me it is for someone to stand there and stay around in my life but yet to be emotional distanced and detached. They always seem to use the "bounderies" aspect of things to do this and then eventually there is nothing left. Once the bounderies are started and put in place it just keeps going to more and more extreme distancing.


The distancing created by what they call so called "bounderies" messes me up and makes me realize that it is just a job and that is why they claim to care. They claim to care because they are paid to care. They do not care for me truly. They do not care for me because I am someone they chose to care about and want in their life. Yeah, they say they choose who their clients are and that if they did not want me as a client then they would not have me as a client, but it is still not the same for me. I never have truly found anyone who cared about me really or stuck around for a lifetime.

People in the system tend to make false promises alot just to get you to trust them and then once you let them in and begin trusting them or get attached they distance themselves and detach. They claim it to be "bounderies" and that they are doing for your best interest and that you still matter and they still care for you just as much as they have in the past but yet it never feels that way. It always seem to feel as if they are abandoning you. It always turns out they abandon you. First comes the "bounderies" or emotional abandonment then comes the physical abandonment. it is a regular pattern in my life and seems to happen the same way with people in the system and who are treatment providers.

So then why do I not learn from that? Why is it I continually seek their approval and love? Why is it I keep allowing people in my ife like this and then let this happen to me? I keep allowing mysself to repeatedly be hurt and abandoned. But yet each time the next person I get involved with is able to break my walls down further and end up earning trust they never were meant to earn. My walls are supposed to thicker and less easy for them to get through but yet it seems they are easier for them to break. I try hard to build them up higher and more sturdy but yet they break them down even that is not my intention to allow them through. My abandonment issues cause me to attach and hold on but yet are repeatedly abandoned.

post from few weeks ago about people messing with my head

wishing people would stop fucking with my head and if they did not want me to trust them and want me to just keep the wallsup then say so. They do not have to feel incompetant or tell me they are afraid they are incapable of dealing with things if they help open them...They do not really have to deal with SHIT!!! I DO...No One Else!!! its all good the trust is gone now...screw it I never needed anyone in these 31 years and have been able to survive and hold these secrets within me without completely breaking I can keep doing it for another 14 years. I wish people really understood what their words do to me and how much I obsess over things they say. I wish they realized what ABANDONMENT is for me and how I perceive things as being abandoned by everyone in my life up until now and now I think I am completely feeling as if I truly deserve to be abandoned and do not need ANYONE for any reason. Why try as hard as they do to get me to open my self up and trust them only for them to basically want me to shut up and keep it all inside. Why did they work through the barriers only to close them back up with 10 times more shit to work back through to get back to the point where we were a week ago. Why did they just want me to stay closed up and never to speak a word about. KEEP THE SILENCE is what they desire well I will keep it to myself and never trust another living soul for as long as I continue breathing and my heart keeps producing blood. I will never trust again. I am done with letting people in and letting them get close. I am closing myself off to all you have to say and all they desire me to talk to them about. My secrets are safe within me!!!!

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