A Bit About Me

A Bit About Me

Crash kills man being chased from Cass County - Kansas City Star

Crash kills man being chased from Cass County - Kansas City Star

Shared via AddThis

Just a brief bit of my secrets of the life of me

I have been in the mental health system since I was very young like 4 years old after being sexually abused and then was taken by the state and placed in foster care which inturn did not work out and I ended up going from there to a residential from june 87? till sometime in 1991. While there it was a constant battle between me and the staff and anyone in authority. I had alot of anger and hurt inside but would not deal with it I refused to speak about anything and never resolved anything from the past while there during all the therapy and all. I final,ly went home after several med changes and them feeling there was not much more they could do for me. Well my mom had had custody of us for i believ e 2 years before i came home and my brother and sister had been home for quite a while. My other brother was still in the residential i was in and came home shortly after i did. But he did what he needed to to come home i was basically unhelpable. It was not long after that that i was physically mentally and emotionally abused regualrly by my20mother who i believe never wanted me and if given the choice she would only have fought for the 3 youngest children since I was the oldest of us 4. My dad was not really involved most of the time and we his children out of convenience pretty much. My mother began dating my fathers older brother when I was 12. He began to sexually abuse me not long after their dating begin that happened for i believe almost 4 years. although i got prgnant with my oldest son at 15 and thought it was his as he was having full intercourse with me while my mother worked nights and then days also as she was employed fulltime at 2 places. I still do not know who my sons father is as after the molestation began I became promiscus and had sex regualrly with men i did not know while at the park and around my fathers house when we visited him. Around the same time he was conceived i was placed on depakote and zoloft by my psychiatrist and told and that my cycle could be irregualr so i did not know i was pregant until i was 5 months. i had already turned 15
and had to make a decision on what to do of course i was not giving him up and not having an abortion. He was born in january 95. valentines day i threatened to kill myself at school where i was attending which was an alternative school because i was kicked out of public within 2 months of beginning there full time in 8th grade. I was hospitalized and was there for quite a while unable to let the secrets out20and unable to get things together. This is where i began self harming and ended up in a residential for adolescents which from there i was repeatedly in and out of hospitals and finally placed in an intensive resdential for teenagers. it was locked and very strict. the almost 4 years i was there i was out of control and constantly restricted and aggressive to myself and others. when i turned 19 they threatened to send me to the state hospital if i did nto go with out restriction for 90 days which i ended up making it abotu 70 but already had a placement in a group home for adults with with mental illness. after going there i left within 10 days and lived on the streets. unwanted by my family and not wanting to be at the shelter since it was co ed and a wet shelter. i went to day treatment daily and began dbt but chose to continue in and out of hospitals for quite some time after that for overdosing and self harming behavoirs and once for threatening to blow the mental health place up. I still was primiscuous i guess and believed i owed sex to men and if they wanted it i had to give it to them and still have great differculties with this and saying no.

Missed group today

Well I missed Dbt group today due to my medicaid transportation issue for today but i was aware of it friday afternoon and had informed my therapist who is the group leader of the issue. My son has been here since Friday and I am beginning to be angry with my brother and his wife for doing what they do and treating my son as if he is not important and does not matter. They put him on the back burner and treat him as a live in babysitter but yet do not give him a damn thing except negativity and put downs. I am tryin to use my skills like turn the mind and GIVE/FAST from interpesonal effectiveness module but it is difficult when I am not completely in my wise mind. My son is the only child I have left in this world that I can see and my brother does not communicate with me regarding him at all. I try to communicate on my end but is difficult when there is no communication from the other parties and my brothers wife treats him wrong and also believes that my mother who has raised my son since birth until last summer and I should have no say and they do not need to discuss what is happening with my child with me or my mother when she can not even deal with her own children effectively.

The chaos of my Borderline this weekend

Well things have gone pretty well I have been hanging with some people in my neighborhood that like me for who I am but I almost feel as if I have been sucked into drama and being who I am not. I had un we went out Friday night t Friday night cheers with a live local band there and drinks. While there it was fun and I rank 5 smirnoff ice then proceeded over to the liquor store before heading home. When we returned to the trailer park we were bombarded by the drunks who wanted our liquor and because we did not give them some they caused somewhat of a problem and ended it with the police coming.

Saturday we decided tostay at our end of the trailer park and we were having a great time. We were enjoying the cookout and had some peeps over when one of the drunks came down here being nosy and thinking he could do what he wanted and his wife would pick the pieces up after he got beat. But instead his wife came down here and told me I was crazy for even standing up to her and I told her she claims she is crazy and pushed her. She proceeded to push me and I socked her in the face. She then grabbed me by the thraot and I punched her again and she let go and walked away onlyto call the police on me whci in turned back fired and I went and obtained a warrant for her at the magistrates office. She still has not been arrested although there is a warrant for her arrest and she should be being picked up shortly.

Through all this it was nice to have people like me and proud of me and having a good time but I just feel that that is not who I am and I do not like fighting or being in the mix of chaos and drama. I actually like when I hibernate in my house sitting on the computer wasting my life away on the internet. But being borderline is difficult and I find myself unable to be with me at times ad I try to get in the drama and be liked by everyone without them knowing who I really am but when it comes down to it I am not me when I am with them. I wish I really knew who I was whatI liked and soon and so forth. I wish I was somebody who people liked without having to become what everyone else is or who everyone else wants me to act like.

Today's Group and Distress Tolerance in the moment

Well today started out rough before group since I got an unexpected call from my therapist regarding my recent thoughts and venting on another blog I have been writing. She talked to me for a bit but it only triggered pure anger in me before leaving for group. I thought group was going to be distressing and difficult but it was not. I was able to sit still talk about some stuff help the group understand how to do the DBT Pros and Cons list and how to apply it to a situation. The situation we used was another memeber not being sure they were ready to graduate DBT Lite which is the skills training group and move onto Continuing Care DBT group which is every other week instead of every week and is more of an application groupled group instead of instructor run teaching group. I was also able to help a memebr who has just stated with DBt see that he is not as he perceived himself since he is having difficulties understanding the skills and what they are and how to use them. I explained to him about DBT being a practice and not a process and that I have been in DBT for almost 10 years not straight but pretty much and although I know educationally what the skills are and can help others understand them and how to use them I still have difficulties and have a hard time applying them in my own life and when things are difficult. I allow my BORDERLINE to RUN me instead of me Run my Borderline. So all and all I feel good about how group went and my progress towards helping others in a positive way even when I am in a difficult space. All and all I was nervous about hospitalization after group since we had agreed that I would meet with my therapist after group and was not sure of how she would approach my angry venting from my blogs and our conversation earlier. All and all I guess it ended alright even though I left there feeling empty and vulnerable. I still am very angry and I know the things I am using as reason for my angry is not why the real anger is there. I believe I am angry with myself for the destruction I have been doing lately and do not know how to take it out on myself without harming myself so I have been inffectively getting furuious and rageful at others when inside I am feeling raeful with myself. I know if I dwell and obsess on my rage of myself it will not be good since I have not been incontrol lately so I ma avoiding that at this moment as it is too stressful to face. Now in DBT tis skill is under the distress tolerance and it is only to be used in the moment when an emotion is too much to face not to use as an avoidance of facing the emotions at a time when they can be handle. So I know I must not allow myself to bury the rage but only to avoid the consequenes of the dsitress at this time. I must face the rage and anger I have at myself sometime in little stretches in the near furture I hope.

Fuck everyone in this fucling World

I am so sick of motherfuckers in my life. They all are backstabbers. Theyu seem to be able to tell everyone about what I am doing but yet can not look in their own backyards and see what they are doing in their own lives. They act like they have no issues and have never done anything wrong. All people in this world are 2 faced bitches. I can not stand life or anyone they all can fuck off and when I do go on my killing spree I will make sure I keep them in mind before I slice my own throat and end my life. I hate people this world and life. I can not wait till my day comes and it is approaching fast.

concern about my thoughts past few days

been wanting to go on a killing spree lately...seriously I have been obsessing over slicing peoples throats and wanting to slice my own throat...want to feel what it feels like to kill in cold blood and to be killed in cold blood...I think my mind is really fucked up right now and beginning to concern me...Not sure whats up and whats going on with my mind these past few days...Think I am going insane or have hit insanity...absessing for me is not good it usually leads to action on the obsession...but i usually do not think about hurting others or anything of that nature usually it is about hurting myself or ending my life and so on and so forth so this is concerning and scary to me...i may be becoming out of control...IDK

Email I Wrote to my Therapist Today

Hello. I just figured since everytime I come to therapy with you I have difficulties talking I would atleast write to you and maybe that will be a start for our session in the morning which you probably won't get this till before I see you anyways and it will be fresh in your mind. Well anyways DBT group I felt went well for the most part although I realize I did get annoying. It is difficult for me to sit through the whole thing normally I guess and I get unfocused. I am ready to stop going to group but I am not ready to go to Continuing care DBT group as I know what the skills are and am very able to help and explain them to others and I am also able to give examples for the most part and help others learn and try to understand them but I am using them regularly and have a hard time seeing when I am using them the way they are supposed to be used as opposed to manipulating the skills in a way that justifies my wants, needs, and desires. I actually like helping out with others who want to learn the skills but then also feel that I am hipercritical and have no right to tell people how to use them when I can not use them effectively. I think what it all boils down to in my head is I do not have a life worth living when I use them or when I do not use them and I analyze too many things to an extent in which I am able to find the loopholes and manipulate them to use negavtively more than positively. I also know that I am using the word manipulate alot in this letter because it seems that you feel I manipulate everything and everyone so it appears to fit here more than in any context you have tried to use it with with me. yes I do manipulate skills and things I do in my life to justify my behavoirs and lack of happiness and shit like that but I do not purposely manipulate people and that is where I get offended and build my walls up. I also know that I need to start working on things with you because to me it appears I am just coming there and nothing is changing but yet everything seems to be going away and the professionals such as yourself are the ones feeling I do not need the services but yet I do not see much has changed and really my life appears to be a chaotic mess. I also know that I am the one who allows my life to be this way but how do I stop it? You have stuck with me through thick and thin these past few years and really has not been as long as you think or feel considering the time I have been in treament for mental health but I realize maybe it has been too long for you. Maybe you feel overwelmed and burnt out a bit with me. I do not know but not really sure where we are not really working on anything that I should be working on talking about and learning to let go of maybe we should begin the process of ending treatment altogether. Maybe I can see you tommorrow and 1 more time this month and start out done with DBT and therapy. Maybe it is just time to fly free out of the nest away from comfort and all I really know. I did it before until I was forced by social services to have treatment again. Maybe we can try it and see how it goes? Maybe like say we will schedule an appointment in September which is right after the fall semester begins and I have hopefully found myself a place in Lynchburg and wont need it at all. What do you think? You probably are thinking it is not a great idea but why put yourself through the burnout and stress of seeing me and talkign to me when I am not really doing any work with you as I should. I am having a hard time talking bout stuff that happens and that I have been through and that is being triggered by things occuring currently and by myself placing myself in that situation so then it just feels so lonly and as if I will never be able to unburden myself and let this stuff and let it go or get over so then why continue to use your time in an unproductive manor when others in the area really need help and you could be helping them. You could be showing them a better way of life rather than me taking the time I have and not using it th e way it is meant to be used. Well I guess this should be alot to discus more than enough and probably alot to digest at once and figure out analyze and comprehend so I will elave it at this and maybe these are the things that should be talked about tomorrow at the beginning of our session as they are important and time should be spent on them. I will see you at 10am. probably be ther ebefore then depends on the taxi if you need to see me earlier. Take care. Have good night if you get this before the morning.

Dbt Group

Well today I had DBT group. It went alright. I have a hard time in that group because we have male sin it. Today there was only one male in it but it makes it uncomfortable for me to be there and he is very egotistic. All and all I had not been to group in like 3 weeks since I got into it kinda with him. I wanted to quit group. I sorta when in group act wired and unfocused to avoid having to talk about anything that is going on with me and exposing myself to others. I do not like to make myself vulnerable to others. When in the past I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and show people the real me alls that has happened is it got thrown back in my face and it has been used against me and used to hurt me. Especially when it comes to making myself vulnerable with and around men. I talked with my therapist about this over the past 2 weeks and she asked me to finish this module out and then she wants me to transfer to the after-care DBT group. Although I agreed I really do not want to go on to the next group I would rather just quit going at all since every group I end up in is difficult for me to open up and even when I do I do not open up about anything real that is important and needs working on. My therapist runs the group and it often frustrates her when I am wired and unable to sit still and unfocused because she klnows I am only doing it to avoid dealing with real stuff and exposing myself and making myself vulnerable. She at times like today lets me know that I need to stop that I am frustrating her and then that makes me angry but not sure why.

Well anyways group went fairly well today as we are in the ending of the Emotion Regulation Module. We are discussing the skills and sometimes I find it difficult and frustrating to be in that group because I do know the skills and how to use them persay but have a hard time applying them when I should be using them. DBT is a practice and needs to be consciously practiced and applied or it will not help. I use the skills at times but also have difficulties using them in positive ways as it seems I can fit the skills to use as my advantage to help me justify escaping and avoiding my emotions and certain things in life when in actuality the distress tolerance skills are only to be used when something is too difficult to deal with in that moment not to help avoid the situation or emotion forever not to hide from dealing with things that need to be dealt with. The rest of the skills teaches you how to deal with the emotions and situations when u can deal with them and it is not causing crisis or putting you or anyone else in danger.

This is where I instead of using the distress tolerance skills only when in crisis or in danger I use them to avoid dealing with whatever rather than everything i should face.

vent this morning

my father have not spoken with in about 4-5 years and my mother although we speak about 1-2 times a week it is when she has something to tell me about the other kids and their problems and how what is happening to them is so terrible but yet when I was going through a similar thing with my ex husband and he was driving me through the mud and shit and sending me to court and having me arrested and shit she was not there she could care less. when I am in the hospital does she care NO not even when I end up in ICU for overdosing but yet when my brother ended up in psych unit this week and my sister’s husband left her with the 2 kids this week she sure calls me to tell me how bad things are for them and how it is wrong and all this and what can she do and how can she help and I should go to Missouri to help my sister move back to mass and she wishes she was there with here but it will be okay cause she is moving her back to mass and my brother she has been to visit him all week. so I am the oldest and she has never loved me or wanted me around I was always the trouble in the family because I would not handle the abuse going on at home and ended up kicked out of school in therapy in the hospital on meds and social services was called because of me not her not her beating me or her boyfriend doing what he was doing it was always my fault and she hates me. my family only call when they need or want something from me whether it is advice, money, food, help, travel, driving them or whatever but yet I sit here alone day after day contemplating and planning and revising my end to this bullshit they call life. Physically there is nothing wrong with me but mentally and emotionally, I am not sure. I can be so fake around others and no one ever sees or thinks anything is wrong with me until I end up OD'd in the emergency room. my therapist seemed real concerned last week but yeti bet she won’t even call today or the rest of the week as I agreed to go to DBT tomorrow with her and she runs the group and I have therapy Friday morning with her and when I go she won’t even be concerned she will just hassle me and shit and then when the hour is up she will say well I got things to do and our time is up like I am just a number in the system and do not really mean anything but yet then last week she acts all concerned and wanted me in the hospital and shit because she has a license and does not want to jeopardize it by knowing I want to kill myself and not doing anything in her words but yet then does not do anything about it except call and check on me all week. Fuck her too. She does not really care about me she tells me I need to let others see who I really am and shit like that and not try to act like and be someone I truly am not but then again she is so fake too. She acts so caring one minute and then as if, she does not care the next moment. Maybe she has multiple personality disorder.

what i need to do this for

i am starting this blog to work through my childhood secrets and expose my past to others and maybe help them gain some hope from it all. This blog is not to gain criticism and more pain but to hopefully be able to let go of some of my shame, pain, hurt, and guilt. This is a difficult step for me in my life and I am hoping to really be able to work through alot of this stuff and get something from it all. I know that with exposure brings more pain before the peace will come and sometimnes that is scary. For me this is not the first tim e I have tried to work through this stuff in life and I am sure it is not the last time but I hope it will help me and I will stick with it long enough for me to gain the strength others in the world have by letting the secrets out and working through the pain that I have run from and avoided for so many yearsd. I am in therapy but never really have dealt with any of it I also am hoping to really do some work with my therapist on this stuff over the next few months while I ma not taking any classes this summer and I am taking a retreat and going to be camping in my friends yard in the middle of nature. I am hoping all this will help me find some inner peace and maybe some confidence in myself and in life.

venting

Thia is not my image it is obtained from online resource search from google images no copyright infringement all credit goes to image holder

i guess i am managing, geting by, and surviving... I need to get some sleep would like to sleep the rest of today and not waken up until Monday but i know that wont happen i actually prefer not to wake up at all but i have no luck when it comes to that...i also am supposed to drive to the airport in NC to pick up my son cause my brother does not feel like going to get him even though he lives with him and he has custody they never want to do anything for or with the kid... they do not even get the kid what he needs like glasses that he has not had since he busted them back in October or therapy which he needs and his pdoc has been harassing them about getting him but they have not gotten them...so i guess i am going to have to drive the 3 hours there and then 3 hours back and his flight supposed to be in at 6:55pm but then my mom says that he may not be coming back because my sisters boyfriend left her and moved in with another girl and is selling drugs and has a gun that he bought but is in my sisters name and he took the babies check and left them with no diapers and did not pay the bills or rent and all this shit which there oldest daughter just turned 4 last weekend which is why my son went there and she has autism and then they have one that is turning 2 but i went through the same shit back January 2003 with my husband except he pressed kidnapping charges on me and had me arrested and lied to get emergency custody and all and my mother sits there on the phone tonight saying poor destiny she should not have to go through this and all this bullshit but when i was going through it all and had a miscarriage because of it all no one cared and my kids ended up in social services and everything but yet my mom is going to help her move back to mass from Missouri and help her with the kids but yet when i was going through it all and fought and got my kids back and then lost them again she didn't care and didn't help then last minute she came her to try to file for custody only for the judge to say she had had nothing to do with them this whole time so denied her custody and i lost mine forever but yet she stands by the other kids and always helps all them. i am angry and hurt right now i want to cry i want to feel something more than i am feeling i want an escape i need an escape i need to run from all this shit and to top it off my brother is in psych unit at the hospital in mass for overdosing and trying to jump off bridge and my mother has been there to visit him everyday all week and never gives too shits when i am in hospital not even when i a, ICU for days sometimes 7 on monitors and IVs and all that i have never been cared about or loved but yet they can do what they want steal from her threaten her use her and commit crimes and so on and so forth and she still jumps for them but hates me and always has she has never loved cared about or wanted me i hate my life

today

Well today has been a pretty good day so far i guess. atmy friends house tilling up the area for the peppers for the salsa shack and she is clearing out hte camping area. That is where i will be staying for the summer and trying to figure out who i am who i want to be and what i want to do for my future. It is going to give me the time and spcae to work on me and maybe get somewhere. I am sure this summer will not be easy and all this work i need to and want to do over the next few months is going to be emotionally hard but i hope it gives me hope and a new way to live. I am searching for myself and still have not found me. So many things interest me fora while and then the interest goes away and i become restless and bored with them. Not that i lose all interest on the things i just can not do them as much as i did in the beginning. If i can learn to like me and like who i am whoever that may be then maybe i will be able to just enjoy the things without becoming bored and restless and just not doing them at all. I just do not want to try and be someone i am not just because of the people i am around and I also do not want to pretend to be interested and to like something when i do not just because i am trying to be accepted by people. the big question to me is WHO AM I? maybe I will get some enlightenment with all this and might find some real answers by taking this time of reflection and working on my inner self.

something that has some meaning

this is a video that helps me describe so much of what i wish i could do and begin to work through my past and live into a better furute for me

past few days

these past few days i have made a decision to move and spend the summer at my friends camping her yard. i will have like a retreat there and will hopefully be able to work on myself and maybe begin to see who i really am and find what i really like. i will spend sometime with her and her children and we will lso be able to work together on gardening and our plans to make what we call the salsa shack. we are growing tomatoes peppers cilantro onions garlic and hot peppers and plan on trying to sell them at the local market and maybe build a business out of for the future. we have a lot of things in common but then there are other things that we disagree on so i will have to keep myself in check and try to be who she wishes me to be for a few months. i believe it will be somewhat good for me to do some inner work but i also will have to be careful since she has been through traumatic situations that sometimes become triggered by my traumatic past and trying to talk to her about my symptoms and my ptsd and need to try to talk about these things without being judged. sometimes the things she talks about throughs me for a loop and brings up alot for me and i have not been able to set limits and boundaries with her around this stuff but she is able to tell me when it is uncomfortable or too much for her what we are discussing. she is alot farther in her recovery than i am and also has 9 years sober and clean which is a big help for me. she is a great friend and has helped me stabilize more than anything this past year. she also helped me be able to trust someone enough to talk about this stuff somewhat but i feel she will get me started talking about it but then it gets too much for her and i am left hanging with the intense memories and emotions. i also will not be able to use my cutting as a means of coping while i am there so this will be a big step for me in self control and coping effectively. but in the long one this is probably a big blessing and may be very helpful for the future of my life and well being including the stability and "normalcy" i so desire and seek so often. although when i begin to gain some "normalcy" i usual destroy it and run from it. i think it gets to much for me not to be in chaos as my whole life since birth has been not so dependable, chaotic, unstable, and unstructured. i think it becomes greatly uncomfortable for me and i run from it as it is not what i am used to and it is scary for me. but this will help me build some trust and a bit of a foundation before going to get my own apartment at the end of the summer again. maybe i will gain some enlightenment into what i truly am seeking in life and what i really want. i just hope i do not sacrifice myself to much and try to be who i am not and lose the things that has protecdted me throughout my whole life. seeing her and where she had come froma nd whats she went through and how far she has come and how hard she has worked to get to where she is now gives me hope. hope that there is better out there for me and that i too can get to where she is with alot of hard work and many failures and successes but i do not want to be her and be what she expects me to be or what or who anyone expects me to be i want to be me and learn who me is. this will be a step in the right direction to a life worth living i hope.

New things

I am learning new things withi life currently I am working on learning HTML andtying new stuff out on the WEB like this blogger thingy. I alo have several acounts on differen socia neworking websites that Iam currently working on ad have written on them for a few years now. I am learning to creat my own webpage and build a wbit. I someday want to on my own compute business out of my home. I am in the procss of mkin some changes in my life and trying to learn who I am an what I like since I have alwys trid to be who I think others want me to be and do what they wanted me to do or what beleived others wante me to do. I have ha an interest in pc reapair for such a long time andhave taught myslf most of the basic stuff. I also can pretty much build one and do some of the somftware and pogrammng stuff. Now I a trying to learn the basics and stuff like that with web development. I used to like to draw but now it seems I can not do it. I like to write but seem to have hit major blockage now when I try to write.

Video I made of my Last vistits with my kid after losing my parental rights

my angels somewhere out there

today

Well thikngs seem to be working out much more today. It has been over 24 hours since I last used and I took a big step by talking to a friend that I thought was never going to talk to me again if I relapsed. I had contemplated suicide several times and began making the plans for it recently. But things seem to be looking up today and appear to be working out for me to get away from drugs and start some self discovery and work on me more than i had ever done I hope it works out. This will be a chance for me to do some self exploration and maybe find my place in life and discover what things I really enjoy. i may find some happiness within while searching within. i think this is going to be great and will help me alot. I hope it works out. mY friend really cares but she also needs to make sure she keeps herself safe and sets boundries to protect her and her kids.

Something I found while looking for Suicide On the NET

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.
I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.
I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.
Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let’s hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.
Start by considering this statement:
“Suicide is not chosen; it happenswhen pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”
That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.
Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.
When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.
You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.
Now I want to tell you five things to think about.
1
You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.
2
Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.
3
People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
4
Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.
But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:
Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans
Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
Call a psychotherapist
Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen
But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.
5
Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.
Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really glad.
Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.
Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won’t be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It’s time to start looking around for one of them.
Now: I’d like you to call someone.
And while you’re at it, you can still stay with me for a bit. Check out these sources of online help.
Additional things to read at this site:
How serious is our condition? ...“he only took 15 pills, he wasn’t really serious...” if others are making you feel like you’re just trying to get attention... read this.
Why is it so hard for us to recover from being suicidal? ...while most suicidal people recover and go on, others struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings for months or even years. Suicide and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Recovery from grief and loss ...has anyone significant in your life recently died? You would be in good company... many suicidal people have recently suffered a loss.
The stigma of suicide that prevents suicidal people from recovering: we are not only fighting our own pain, but the pain that others inflict on us... and that we ourselves add to. Stigma is a huge complicating factor in suicidal feelings.
Resources about depression ...if you are suicidal, you are most likely experiencing some form of depression. This is good news, because depression can be treated, helping you feel better.
Do you know someone who is suicidal... or would you like to be able to help, if the situation arises? Learn what to do, so that you can make the situation better, not worse.
Handling a call from a suicidal person ...a very helpful ten-point list that you can print out and keep near your phone or computer.
What can I do to help someone who may be suicidal? ...a helpful guide, includes Suicide Warning Signs.Other online sources of help:
The Samaritans - trained volunteers are available 24 hours a day to listen and provide emotional support. You can call a volunteer on the phone, or e-mail them. Confidential and non-judgmental. Short of writing to a psychotherapist, the best source of online help.
Talk to a therapist online - Read this page to find out how.
Depression support group online: Walkers in Darkness - Please note: this is a very big group, but amidst all the chatter (and occasional bickering), it is possible to find someone who will hear you and offer support.
Psych Central has a good listing of online resources for suicide and other mental health needs.
Still feel bad? These jokes might relieve the pressure for a minute or two.
If you want help finding a human being to talk with in person, who can help you live through this, try reading this article about how to Choose a Competent Counselor.
Sometimes people need additional private help before they are ready to talk with someone in person. Here are three books you could read on your own in private. I know from personal experience that each one has helped someone like you.
Suicide: The Forever Decision by Paul G. Quinnett, PhD (Continuum, 1989, $8.95, ISBN 0-8264-0391-3). Frank and helpful conversation with a therapist who cares. Order the book
Choosing to Live: how to defeat suicide through cognitive therapy by Thomas E. Ellis PsyD and Cory F. Newman PhD (New Harbinger Publications, 1996, $12.95, ISBN 1-57224-056-3). Another conversational book with practical help for suicidal persons. Order the book
How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention by Susan Rose Blauner (William Morrow, 2002, $17.47, ISBN 0066211212). A very practical survival guide by an actual survivor. Order the book



I make no profit whatever on the books. Every penny received is given to The Samaritans to support their lifesaving work. The volunteers give generously of themselves, but it costs them money to continue operating and saving lives - money for facilities, phones and computers. Money is a reality. They need it; we give it. Sending them this small donation is our way of thanking them and helping them continue to help others. If you would like to know where the money goes, visit the Samaritans website. If you prefer not to make a donation to the Samaritans, take the book information above to your local bookstore and order the books there instead. If you would like to make a donation directly to the Samaritans, click here.
Out of the Nightmare: Recovery From Depression And Suicidal Pain, by David L. Conroy, PhD (Authors Choice Press, 2006, ISBN 0595414974). As if suicidal persons weren't feeling bad enough already, our thoughtless attitudes can cause them to feel guilt and shame, and keep them from getting help in time. Dr. Conroy blasts apart the myths of suicide, and looks at suicidal feelings from the inside, in a down to earth, non-judgmental way. This is a book that will save lives by washing away the stigma of suicide and opening the door to a real way out of the nightmare. More info and reviews
Would you like to print out this page? Here is a plain black-on-white version that should print more easily.
Want to share your suicide story? Please visit the Suicide Project and leave your story
Have feedback?


Please write us
This page is provided as a public service by Metanoia, and is dedicated with gratitude to David Conroy, Ph.D. whose work inspired it. Metanoia cannot provide counseling to suicidal persons. If you need help please use the resources outlined above.
© Copyright 1995-2006 Martha Ainsworth. All rights reserved. Reprints: Please feel free to link to this page. Please do not reproduce this page on the Internet; you may link to it instead. You may reproduce this page in print media for non-commercial, non-profit use only, if you meet the following three conditions: (1) you must use the full text without alteration up to and including the words "Now: I’d like you to call someone."; (2) please consider making a donation to The Samaritans (see above); and (3) you must print the following notice verbatim: "Reprinted with permission. Suicide: Read This First (http://www.metanoia.org/suicide) was written by Martha Ainsworth based on work by David Conroy, Ph.D. To talk with a caring listener about your suicidal feelings, in the U.S. call 1-800-SUICIDE any time, day or night. Online, send an anonymous e-mail to jo@samaritans.org for confidential and non-judgmental help, or visit http://www.samaritans.org."
Hosted as a community service by Mental Health Information at Psych Central Mental Health Support Groups
Looking for others for support? Please visit Bipolar Like Me for bipolar disorder and Depressed Like Me for depression concerns.
-->

_uacct = "UA-76068-2";
urchinTracker();
_qacct="p-1bEHV9_dJ8pro";quantserve();

feelings at the moment

Each day that passes I create more misery in my world. I try to fit in with others and be accepted but i really am not. They are just wanting me around to be as miserable as they are. I have never had a problem with people liking me but it has always been people who don't have anything to offer me as far as happiness and stability. it has always been drug addicts or people just as unstable as I am. I have always fit in well with these people and do whatever they do. I have now had a friend for about 8 months who has been good to me and helped me do some positive things in my life and now have completely almost pushed her out of my life because of my using drugs and inability to stabilize for any period of time because when I am not using drugs I am trying to kill myself or using self harm to cope with my feelings and thoughts about myself, my current and past life, and all that has happened in my very long 29 years of life. this all began with me as a little girl taken from my home and ripped from my family only for the foster home to not want me and for me to end up in a residential for troubled children where i was very angry little girl and learned to hurt others when i was angry. after several years of that i went home to my mom only for her to abuse me in many ways and for her boyfriend to sexually abuse me after 4 years of this and six weeks after my son was born i tried to kill myself and ended up in a psychiatric hospital ever since i then my coping has been to hurt myself but avoid hurting others physically because i am so angry at the world and myself especially for allowing my life to get this way and being unable to do anything about it and when i try to do something i end up in a worse mess than i was in before i tried stabilizing. now over the past 2 years drugs has become an alternative to cutting myself but yet i still yearn for the cutting since it is the only things that has truly relieved my emotional suffering. when i am using drugs with these people it is because they are or want to even when i don't want to or i feel i should not be i do it anyways. i continue to do this and try to move away from these people that i involve myself with but yet when i do i just get involved with others who are deeper into it. I have tried to kill myself more than a dozen times in the past 2 almost 3 years and have done nothing except end up in ICU a few times and end up in the psychiatric hospital or a crisis stabilization program for a few days to a couple weeks. Nothing is changing. nothing is getting better it pretty much as increasingly gotten worse. I increasingly try to get my life together and then fall flat on my face deeper in the ground than before i tried to get out of the trenches i have dug. my family hardly even calls me unless they or someone else needs something from me money or food and so on and so forth. although my life is at its stablest it has been in so long. i have a place to live. I pay my utilities. I have food in my house. I am in school and have been taking classes with straight A's for 2 semesters now and everyone wants me to get a hold of this and pull through all right i am not sure that is what I want. I want to just end it all. I am debating on pulling my ceiling apart to expose the framing and test my weight upon it. Since I have tried the overdose thing several times and gotten nowhere with it and at one time I tried drinking cleaner it that never worked either I guess I need to find something foolproof. Eventually I will succeed at killing myself and ending my misery so why don't someone just help me do it instead of prolonging the inevitable. I do live by the train tracks pretty much like a hundred feet from my back door and I have timed the trains coming by and though about it seriously but have not been able to got through with it. I have just to afraid. i guess I want a painless method that does not take much thought. i got my check today and have entertained the idea of purchasing a gun but do not want others around me to know and I can not purchase it legally. and all the peeps I know that could get one from the streets for me will do anything to stop me from doing it and sure will not help me get the means to do it. they enjoy me being miserable and giving into there wants needs and desires. they like everyone around them being in a hopeless situation in life because they are all older than I am and don't seem to want anything different and seem to enjoy their lives being miserable and smoking crack and not paying rent and having to live with their parents and friends who they can bring down with them they sure will help bring me down but yet wont help bring me up or out of this miserable world. I have tried to create the life i want with no amount of measurable progress so why keep failing at trying why not succeed at escaping. Someday soon I will submit and gain the courage and means to commit suicide without being able to be saved. I am setting my date and got to start saying my goodbyes without really saying goodbye so something is not suspected. I wont cry I will feel relief over the next few weeks since I know that after I die there will be no more pain and although others may suffer emotionally for a few days and cry most will not even be effected and some will feel relief that it is over and finally they no longer need to worry about me doing it or how they can save me because its too late my life is just waiting for me to give up and give into my suicide..

Why am I still here?

In January 2006 my children were removed from my home for domestic violence issues. After they were removed, it was not much time before my stability with my mental health deteriated to the point I could not get it back together to regain custody of them. Back when I was 15, I had my first child and within 6 weeks, I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I had had mental health issues since I was a very young child and was removed from my home for abuse by my parents and relatives. From That first hospitalization, it took me 5 years to stabilize and my mother had my child from the time he was born. He just turned 14 a few days ago. When I got pregnant in 2000 with my second child I stabilized and stopped trying to if myself and stopped harming myself altogether. I now had a reason to go on. I then got married and had three more children during the next 5 years. Although the marriage was rocky from the start and there was repeated abuse occurring I was mentally stable. I had not harmed myself since May 2000 and had not been hospitalized since then either. My children were removed from my home for neglect due to the witnessing of the abuse that was occurring. After the children were removed, the state used the mental health history of both my husband and I to keep the children in foster care. They used records from back when I was a child in their custody against me. Within 6 weeks of the children’s removal, I was completely unstable and back to harming myself and trying to off myself. I felt there was nothing left for me to live for. Eighteen months later my parental rights were terminated due to my mental health instability and my inability to get my life back on track and feeling there was a reason to go on. Now it has been 3 years since the removal and 18 months since the termination hearing where I lost my parental rights. I have gotten a divorce and have finished 2-fulltime semester in college and am starting my third. I have become a lot more stable even though it has been a rough and rocky road and there are many days that I feel and believe I cannot proceed in life. Nevertheless, I keep trudging. I cannot figure out how or why I am still alive. I have nothing left to live for. My children are all adopted off except my 14 year old and I can never see them until they are of age and that is if they decide to seek me out and want something to do with me. Now what do I do for the next 10 years? The oldest of the four that are gone just turned 8 and the youngest will be 4 next month. Then I have my 7 year old and one that will be 5 next month. I have a long wait ahead of me. What if they don’t want anything to do with me? I would have kept struggling for all these years to come for nothing.....

I Guess This Will Be My Introduction

Lately things have not been going that bad since life has been worse than this. I am just finishing up my 3rd semester at the local community college and do pretty well with school even though I feel I do not do as great as I should I do bette rthan I expected I would do when I first thought about going. Every semester so far I have changed my mind on what I want ot be when I grow up and have changed my program of study.

I am not sure who I really am and what i really want to do with my life although I have some ideas and interest but not really sure some of it I can handle emotionally although I try my hardest to do it now anyways. Then the other thing is just an interest and maybe someday will help me get somewhere in life.

Right now I am still struggling to manage life so because of my instability things change with me often. Life is forever changing for me and at times is more stable than it is unstable althought then there are a great many times when it is unstable more than stable but I am a work in progress and am learning to creat the life I desire. No one is going to give me what I want in life and I am sure not going to just get it handed to me since life has not been handed to me so far. I have had to fight for the life I have now and am now beginningf to build the life I want to have. So to the new beginning and all the endings that has happened so far in my life I dedicate this blog.