Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Alright here goes...I am supposed to write about something I love about myself but am unsure there is anything I truly LOVE about myself as I do not have a tangable understanding of LOVE and what it is and what it means.

I know it means something differnet for everyone. But I do not believe I love anything or anyone. I like things and people but I do not have a great understanding of LOVE so therefor I am not going to write about anything I love about myself although I will write about somethings that I like about myself.

Even finding things I like about myself is difficult for me but here goes I will try to write about something that I am atleast okay with.

I like the fact that I have survived and soemwhat overcome many things that life has thrown my way. I may not have gotten passed them totally but if I am still here then I still have a chance of getting totally through them and being ok.

I like my ability to empathize and understand others in life who are struggling. I also like my ability to self teach myself and leanr on my own as it is difficult for me to be taught by someone else who I feel and believe does not have the ability to understand my ways of learning and truly does not realize who I truly am.

I like my desire to grow even if I get discouraged I still keep fighting my demons and struggle to overcome my own beliefs and keep fighting to gain knowledge. Even if I do not use the knowledge for myself i have the ability to remember and gain knowledge that I can use to help others in life who are struggling.

I guess this is all good things that Ilike about myself. When I began this topic i had a difficult time thinking there was anything I really like about myself but after sitting down here and beginning to write I found a few things I Like about myself.

past few days

these past few days i have made a decision to move and spend the summer at my friends camping her yard. i will have like a retreat there and will hopefully be able to work on myself and maybe begin to see who i really am and find what i really like. i will spend sometime with her and her children and we will lso be able to work together on gardening and our plans to make what we call the salsa shack. we are growing tomatoes peppers cilantro onions garlic and hot peppers and plan on trying to sell them at the local market and maybe build a business out of for the future. we have a lot of things in common but then there are other things that we disagree on so i will have to keep myself in check and try to be who she wishes me to be for a few months. i believe it will be somewhat good for me to do some inner work but i also will have to be careful since she has been through traumatic situations that sometimes become triggered by my traumatic past and trying to talk to her about my symptoms and my ptsd and need to try to talk about these things without being judged. sometimes the things she talks about throughs me for a loop and brings up alot for me and i have not been able to set limits and boundaries with her around this stuff but she is able to tell me when it is uncomfortable or too much for her what we are discussing. she is alot farther in her recovery than i am and also has 9 years sober and clean which is a big help for me. she is a great friend and has helped me stabilize more than anything this past year. she also helped me be able to trust someone enough to talk about this stuff somewhat but i feel she will get me started talking about it but then it gets too much for her and i am left hanging with the intense memories and emotions. i also will not be able to use my cutting as a means of coping while i am there so this will be a big step for me in self control and coping effectively. but in the long one this is probably a big blessing and may be very helpful for the future of my life and well being including the stability and "normalcy" i so desire and seek so often. although when i begin to gain some "normalcy" i usual destroy it and run from it. i think it gets to much for me not to be in chaos as my whole life since birth has been not so dependable, chaotic, unstable, and unstructured. i think it becomes greatly uncomfortable for me and i run from it as it is not what i am used to and it is scary for me. but this will help me build some trust and a bit of a foundation before going to get my own apartment at the end of the summer again. maybe i will gain some enlightenment into what i truly am seeking in life and what i really want. i just hope i do not sacrifice myself to much and try to be who i am not and lose the things that has protecdted me throughout my whole life. seeing her and where she had come froma nd whats she went through and how far she has come and how hard she has worked to get to where she is now gives me hope. hope that there is better out there for me and that i too can get to where she is with alot of hard work and many failures and successes but i do not want to be her and be what she expects me to be or what or who anyone expects me to be i want to be me and learn who me is. this will be a step in the right direction to a life worth living i hope.

I Guess This Will Be My Introduction

Lately things have not been going that bad since life has been worse than this. I am just finishing up my 3rd semester at the local community college and do pretty well with school even though I feel I do not do as great as I should I do bette rthan I expected I would do when I first thought about going. Every semester so far I have changed my mind on what I want ot be when I grow up and have changed my program of study.

I am not sure who I really am and what i really want to do with my life although I have some ideas and interest but not really sure some of it I can handle emotionally although I try my hardest to do it now anyways. Then the other thing is just an interest and maybe someday will help me get somewhere in life.

Right now I am still struggling to manage life so because of my instability things change with me often. Life is forever changing for me and at times is more stable than it is unstable althought then there are a great many times when it is unstable more than stable but I am a work in progress and am learning to creat the life I desire. No one is going to give me what I want in life and I am sure not going to just get it handed to me since life has not been handed to me so far. I have had to fight for the life I have now and am now beginningf to build the life I want to have. So to the new beginning and all the endings that has happened so far in my life I dedicate this blog.