Sunday, March 28, 2010
This is something I wrote to my therapist a year ago after a rough therapy session
well I guess I will start out trying to answer some of your questions you asked so many today that some of them I don’t remember and tried on purpose to avoid and tried to remove myself from our conversation in order to avoid answering your many questions...I felt bombarded by so many things being thrown at me today and really wanted to runaway and hide...I guess I feel like I can handle and deal with all that is happening by myself and I know how to regain control even if it is not healthy and in therapy I cant do that it is like I am trapped in there with you and have no choice in the matter over having to sit with what I feel and the many thoughts racing through my mind at the time...you don’t allow me to escape things that we are talking bout and when it starts to feel like its to much and that I am on the edge with no way of escaping talking to you about something I need to get out of there and today you didn’t allow that you made sit there and deal with it...I understand that’s what I need but I just wish I was able to escape it all...I am a bit confused about what kind of unsafe environment you think I am in though since al is pretty much a quiet drunk and keeps to himself except when he gets wrapped up in the crack which in turn he becomes a bit pushy and don’t know when enough is enough and continues till there’s nothing left to trade sell or he cant get anymore overdrawn funds from the bank and that is all within the first few days of the month...actually he hadn’t drank for 8 days until tonight although Friday when I was trying to get away was because he continued harassing me trying to get me to take Ricky to bounce checks so we could smoke crack with him and instead I left and went to bridges to get away from that all and he has brought it up all week since then but Ricky is in jail now so he cant blame his calling is why he wants to do it anymore because they denied his bail and he is charged with 3 felonies and I am sure there will be many more since he has been bouncing checks at every place possible several of them at once to support his drug habit and that of his so called friends who I warned him about for the past 6 weeks telling him he was going to get himself in trouble and then where are those people going to be they sure are not there trying to help him no instead they have moved on to see who else is going to support there drug habit...but it doesn’t stop al’s need to question about crack matter fact we just had a whole conversation bout it and I told him I am not doing anything anymore if I need to escape then I have ways top get away and avoid things and don’t need drugs to do it...but any ways he says we are supposed to do it when we get our checks and I said he can do what he wants but I am no longer getting involved because he cant handle it he don’t know when enough is enough and when to stop and it causes problems so instead I will not be part of it I told him...I cant deal with all I am dealing with and be wrapped up with that...I can put it down I can walk away from it if not feeling trapped or like I have to do it to fit in or as if I say no that some one will be mad at me or wont like me...I have enough I am trying to cope with and cant handle that on top anymore things seem to feel worse and feel a lot more that I am not able to control my mind and what is happening at times in my life...well any ways some other things that we discussed if I remember correctly is you asked if these things had happened in my life before...the answer I guess is yes and no...I don’t remember a time when it interfered in my life I mean there were times when after therapy when I was going through some difficulties that I would end up at home and not realize how I drove home like I was on autopilot and the car drove and I didn’t have to do anything...there where many times and I still am able to not feel present but yet I am present during sexual situations with men and that occurred even back when my moms boyfriend(my fathers brother) was doing it also...like I knew what was going on but yet like it seemed so far away what I was hearing and I seemed to not feel a lot of it physically and somehow I am able to do the same thing in present situations that I don’t feel comfortable in or that brings up feelings of not being able to be in control...like I learned along time ago that when I cut when I am having anxiety I cant get a hold of myself I immediately feel the relief and no longer feel the anxiety in my head chest and mind it takes it away...it is a way of controlling myself when I feel I cant take anymore...when I was looking in my backpack today it was to make sure I still had my razor blades close by because I felt backed into a corner and like there was no way out and needed to know they were close by to help me escape if I need to get away it all...I wanted to leave quite a few times just to go cut not to get away from you but to get away from my thoughts and the feeling I was having like I was losing my mind...that’s exactly what I am saying pretty much when I am feeling like I have gone crazy...the feeling of having no way out feeling out of control and like these things are happening and feeling anxiety and shit like I have lost it and will be trapped with these mind penetrating images thoughts and feelings forever and there is no way of escaping it feel confined and like there is no way out when this is happening...I feel I have lost control over things especially my mind...my mind is the biggest thing I try to control in my life I believe and I feel like at times when this stuff is happening I have lost that control and the only way to get it back is to cut and when I do I gain the control back...or the sense or control should I say...but I dunno cause cutting leaves me feeling like it controls me a lot also...you may not understand the reasons or agree with the reasons I feel it was my fault and I asked for what happened to happen but understand that you probably will never be able to change my mind around this issue...I guess I should really explain a bit about some things since you want me to help you understand...this is difficult and understand I wont talk about it with you or anyone else but I was a whore for along time...shortly after he began to have sex with me I began I guess you can say looking for other men to have sex with me...there was grown men with who I had sex with at the park by the train station and I dunno lots of other places...I looked for it and continued to go back for more from men I didn’t know and some never saw again and didn’t know there names even after it was all said and done...that didn’t happen for that long but the sex with my moms boyfriend continued for about 3 and a half years I guess...there were times when my brother would question different things and I always stuck up for him and lied about what was going on when he came into my room at night...when my sister and I shared a room and I was on the bottom bunk of the metal bunk beds and she was on the top bunk sleeping and he would come in and start to touch me amongst other things I would try to use her as an excuse to get him to understand that she was going to wake up or something and he always told me not to worry she wouldn’t wake up and when he was ready to do what he did he would bring me into my moms room and in her bed...my mom worked 2 jobs at this time and hardly ever was home and when she was I was either pissing her off and doing something for her to smash me around or kick me or whatever else she did or she was asleep because she worked as a nurse at a mr residential group home at night 11-7 and from there she went to the post office and would come home between 3 and 6 PM and have to sleep before going back to work nursing so is she really to blame for how things happened since alls she was doing was trying to support us 4 kids...no I am the one who should be to blame because I was the oldest knew that what was happening shouldn’t have been happening since it had happened when I was young and had known about good touching and bad touching from a young age but he also knew he should be doing what he was doing since after the very first time he touched me while I was lying on my mothers bed on a Saturday afternoon when we were living on 11th ave in Haverhill he told me not to say anything or he could get in trouble and said to me you don’t want that do you and I said no and never said anything for years...there were times when I would tell him leave me alone I don’t feel good and shit but that was after over a year of it almost 2 and I was pregnant with Corey and he would still keep telling me coming just for a little while just a little bit...by then we had moved to Methuen and then to south Lawrence and him and my mother were fighting a lot and several of them fights were because of him sticking up for me and why he was giving me money and not the rest of the kids and shit like that and I always lied and when she punched me or had me cornered flipping out on me and I was cowering covering my face with my arms crying he was the one who always tried to come to my rescue and get her to stop...I might be dead if it wasn’t for him...I really believe my mom has always had so much anger against me that she might have killed me several times she kicked me in my head and hit me with objects...it seemed the rest of the kids never made her as angry as I did and nothing I ever did was good enough for her...any ways I was a whore and continued to be until Daniel I got pregnant with Daniel who was conceived behind a park bench in the middle of the woods at winikini castle in Haverhill...this not being able to say no has been for along time I always feel like I am the one who obviously had to given since I allowed myself to be alone with the man which gave them the message that I wanted sex and when I didn’t want it and tried to use excuses they pressured me...they continued to try to get me in the mood or con tied asking or whatever which I felt like I had no choice but to do it and get it over with and most of the time I just lay there and thought to myself I wish he would hurry up and finish when is this going to end shit like that and that is how I have always dealt with sex since I began to feel uncomfortable with my moms boyfriend having sex with me even though I gave him the message it was okay for such along time when I felt it was okay anymore he would reassure me and offer me more money and shit like that...so yes I am a whore and a slut...actually I am considered a prostitute since I had sex for money and gifts...one of the big issues in my marriage was sex...when he talked to me during it brought me back to my moms boyfriend because he always talked through it and told me how good I was and how much he loved me and not to forget to never tell anyone and he whispered shit in my ear and I don’t know I guess when Jim did it I couldn’t handle it he would tell me to talk dirty to him and all this was bothersome and I would refuse and lay there until he was done...there was very few times that I would flip on him around sex when this stuff happened and I would then be able to get away from Jim and cry but I never tried to let it bother me I believe it was a total of 3 times that happened in the 7 years we were together...but several times numerous times I cant remember how many but since autumn was born over those years when I told him leave me alone not right now and so on and so on he would continue and I learned to deal with it...began to be able to fade myself out of the situation until it was over and that was how I dealt with it...that’s how I have dealt with many things throughout my last 16 years since I was 12...before that I was an angry child who was very aggressive towards people in my residential for years and was always in restraints and being held down by staff at that place...when I was in residential after Corey was born shit just got worse I was cutting and being restrained and solstice in Rowley mass which was an unlocked facility for troubled teens ended up sending me in and out the hospital until my mother put a stop to that by say that St Anne’s was able to handle me and keep me without putting me in and out of the hospital and calling her out of work to sign me in the hospital for years and if they couldn’t keep me there with out her having to get called out of work then I didn’t belong there and that is when I was sent to Umass transitions and intensive residential treatment program for adolescents who had issues and couldn’t be managed elsewhere so I was put in that locked facility...in between solstice and Umass I was in ma cleans hospital in Belmont for a month and was given home passes and that is where I ended up telling someone my moms boyfriend was doing what he was doing but never went into details and left it at that...that was the last time it had happened was when he was driving me back to the hospital an hour drive back and it was just him and I he pulled over in the parking lot of a hotel that was right off the highway not far from the hospital and we had sex...I was 16 years old and when I got back to the hospital I ended up flipping out and in restraints and that was the end of it...the next visit my mother and I had together she didn’t bring Corey it was just her and we talked a bit and she questioned me and told me they broke up and said something that has bothered me ever since she told me if I had sex with him there were things only someone who had sex with would know and alls I could remember at that point was that he was not circumcised and she told me anyone could know that...that visit ended with me being very angry with her and yelling at her telling her how would I know what her boyfriends dick looked like and I told her to fuck off and get out of my life and I never wanted to see her again and she left and I flipped out and ended up in restraints again...after that when I went to Umass in Worcester I lived in restraints most of my time there it was only when I was being pushed out of there because I had aged out and was 19 and there options were to ship me to the state hospital or an adult group home that I was threatened that if I couldn’t go without restraints or a major restriction which was 24 hrs in the quiet then I was being sent to the state hospital in Tewksbury that I fought ever inch of anger I had and almost made it through the 3 months before I left without a restriction but the week before leaving I fucked it up and sabotaged it but by that time I had already had a placement in Newburyport and still ended up going to the group home which was august 1998 and from here I went to day treatment in Haverhill everyday...after a week of being there I left and lived on the street for a while here and there with friends and my grandmother and in and out of the psychiatric hospitals for trying to kill myself and self harm and once in December of 1999 for threatening to blow up the group home I had been in for 3 months in Haverhill...during this times there was numerous fights between my mom around Corey and me finding out my sister touched him and my mom protected her and fought it all and she still continued to be caught talking to Steven Chadwick her ex during this time which caused us to fight a lot also...we never agreed on her methods of raising Corey and at times she stick physically would hit me and I still cowered like I did when she did it to me as a child even though I was now an adult...she hit me the last time at my cousins party after her funeral in April 2001 when I was pregnant with autumn...the argument started because I told my sister to leave Corey alone and let him do what he wanted he wasn’t bothering anyone and she wasn’t his boss I was there and my mother was there so she didn’t need to be bossing him around and she went and complained to my mother who in front of everyone wanting to start throwing in my face she had custody and destiny has always been there for him and I had no right to say anything to her about leaving my son alone and she punched me and I took Daniel and Jim and I left...Jim took me to the police station where I filed a complaint and she was talked to by the police and told if she laid a hand on me again then charges would be pressed and she would be arrested and that was the last time she has hit me 7 years ago almost...well this has been a lot for me and I guess I should really stop trying to convince you that things have been my fault and that he protected me since you have your beliefs and I have my own beliefs so I guess we will never agree on this...I just wish you understood me and what my life has been like and is like on a daily basis and why I feel he was protecting me and that it was my fault what has gone on in my life to me and why I deserve to be hurt since I hurt others and failed to protect them even though for years he protected me from my mother...I fight internally with myself a lot around this shit because I feel its my fault but yet I feel like I had no choice and then again I feel I asked for it but yet I have so much problems that stem from it and I have so many uncomfortable feelings about it and I have had so many others tell me it was wrong and I feel it was still my fault but yet I have also burst out in anger when he has been around and told people he works with he is a child diddler and gotten him to tell me was a douche bag and to leave his job when this shit has happened...there was a few times that my cousins husband worked with him that we talked about accidentally on purpose killing him by dropping a car on him and planned it out because the worked at the junk yard together...then when my brother gene lived with me on Franklin street Jim gene and I tried to set David another of my fathers brothers van on fire but it was pouring and the rain kept putting the flames out that we put under his van and then we shoved an orange in his exhaust trying to kill him by fumes being released in the van...we wore gloves and shit but it never worked because he was still alive after that but David finally died I believe it was right after I moved to Virginia he was found dead in his car at a rest area in Methuen he had a heart attack and I dunno I felt relieved at the time he died but yet still I wish it was me who caused his death because he killed me along time ago back when I was too young before I even started school...he was the one who ruined me but yet it is not him who haunts me today even though he stole my life from me like Jim did to autumn he stole so many kids innocents and still always got away with it and was able to walk the streets and violate other little boys and girls...I really got to go I cant do anymore of this the shit is getting too deep for me and I probably should had told you most of this but I want you to realize that most of my life problems and traumas I caused them myself...I got to go I cant do this anymore...I cant talk to you bout this anymore its taking over and I don’t want to lose it I got to get away from this before I lose my mind and my control I have left in this moment...I got to go
Letter my mother wrote me on june 7, 2007 after violating me and reading my journals
Dear Teresa,
First of all, i wish I can make you understand how much you really mean to me. I do Love You and always have. Yoe went off on me the other day about things that happened to you in your life. Teresa everytime I have tried to reach out to you, you have done something to avoid it. You tell me alls you want is an apology for what happened to you. Teresa, I dont know what you want. I did not cause them to hurt you. I was working, trying to do all i could to take care of the bills and have a place to live for all of you. If this is why I am guilty then I apologize. But, I did not ever hurt you the way you were hurt. Teresa, I have done things and live with that and I always will, but you need to know that I really truly love you and I care about what is happening to you. Your babies are important to me and I come here to be with you through this. You talk about the unfairness with Corey and the kids visiting eachother and I agree 100% with you but, you seem to be missing the importance of what Corey feels about you. Teresa, I read your journals and I cant understand what would make you believe that ending your life would help anyone. Corey has been through enough with losing his brothers and sisters, not having a dad and not having the time he needs with you. what do you think he would feel if something happens to you too. He doesnt deserve and of the things that has happened to him and does need to be part of your life. I believe you need him as well. Everyone in your life has done some awful things to you too. Teresa, you can not change the hurt that has happened, the past is the past. You have to deal with that and move .. hurting yourself. You are someone special. You say Autumn is a survivor, well you are too, just like me. I dealt with similar feelings, hurts, and failures. Teresa, but I did move on, Made more mistakes, but knew that I am a human being who makes mistakes, we all do and you know what? Its okay! I know you are going to be upset that I did read everyword you wrote, but you need to know, that I cried with those words, I did feel all the pain you were feeling when you wrote what you wrote. Teresa, you are very hurt and I wish I could take it all away from you. If I could take backsome of the hurt that I caused I would. But I cant. I cant change the past. I cant change anything. I can only be there for you if you need me. I cant take away what you have done either. but, you can. You can Teresa, because you are a very special woman. You cant hide that. You can set these goals and reach them. And if it takes forever, then thats okay too. You know as well as I know that you need people to help you. Take all the help you need. Its okay. Its okay to cry, its okay to hurt, its okay to love, and its okay to laugh. Its okay to make those mistakes. But, it is also okay to learn from them too. I feel you can do it, and I will always be here if you need me. A hug, a tear, I am also a good listener if you let me in. I really dont want anything else, but what is best for you. Not losing my daughter to the pain she feels, not losing my daughter to a never ending tormented life that she feels she lives in. Take the help that is there for you. It doesnt matter if you need to be somewhere to be safe it doesnt matter, you know why? Because we do love you. Corey loves you, I love you, believe it or not, Destiny loves you, and james. Gene is all upset and cares very much about you. He feels he caused some of this and cried to me about losin you. You know if you dont want to believe any of what I say, believe me when I tell you how much your son does care and loves you and if anything he needs you Teresa. I need you.
Love Always Mom
First of all, i wish I can make you understand how much you really mean to me. I do Love You and always have. Yoe went off on me the other day about things that happened to you in your life. Teresa everytime I have tried to reach out to you, you have done something to avoid it. You tell me alls you want is an apology for what happened to you. Teresa, I dont know what you want. I did not cause them to hurt you. I was working, trying to do all i could to take care of the bills and have a place to live for all of you. If this is why I am guilty then I apologize. But, I did not ever hurt you the way you were hurt. Teresa, I have done things and live with that and I always will, but you need to know that I really truly love you and I care about what is happening to you. Your babies are important to me and I come here to be with you through this. You talk about the unfairness with Corey and the kids visiting eachother and I agree 100% with you but, you seem to be missing the importance of what Corey feels about you. Teresa, I read your journals and I cant understand what would make you believe that ending your life would help anyone. Corey has been through enough with losing his brothers and sisters, not having a dad and not having the time he needs with you. what do you think he would feel if something happens to you too. He doesnt deserve and of the things that has happened to him and does need to be part of your life. I believe you need him as well. Everyone in your life has done some awful things to you too. Teresa, you can not change the hurt that has happened, the past is the past. You have to deal with that and move .. hurting yourself. You are someone special. You say Autumn is a survivor, well you are too, just like me. I dealt with similar feelings, hurts, and failures. Teresa, but I did move on, Made more mistakes, but knew that I am a human being who makes mistakes, we all do and you know what? Its okay! I know you are going to be upset that I did read everyword you wrote, but you need to know, that I cried with those words, I did feel all the pain you were feeling when you wrote what you wrote. Teresa, you are very hurt and I wish I could take it all away from you. If I could take backsome of the hurt that I caused I would. But I cant. I cant change the past. I cant change anything. I can only be there for you if you need me. I cant take away what you have done either. but, you can. You can Teresa, because you are a very special woman. You cant hide that. You can set these goals and reach them. And if it takes forever, then thats okay too. You know as well as I know that you need people to help you. Take all the help you need. Its okay. Its okay to cry, its okay to hurt, its okay to love, and its okay to laugh. Its okay to make those mistakes. But, it is also okay to learn from them too. I feel you can do it, and I will always be here if you need me. A hug, a tear, I am also a good listener if you let me in. I really dont want anything else, but what is best for you. Not losing my daughter to the pain she feels, not losing my daughter to a never ending tormented life that she feels she lives in. Take the help that is there for you. It doesnt matter if you need to be somewhere to be safe it doesnt matter, you know why? Because we do love you. Corey loves you, I love you, believe it or not, Destiny loves you, and james. Gene is all upset and cares very much about you. He feels he caused some of this and cried to me about losin you. You know if you dont want to believe any of what I say, believe me when I tell you how much your son does care and loves you and if anything he needs you Teresa. I need you.
Love Always Mom
april 20, 2008
i am 28 years old and have been self harming since i was 15 years old but if i actually look back into my younger years i see many different actions that i did that actually harmed myself also even though i was not doing them to the same extent i have done in the past and do currently...when i was 15 i tried to commit suicide for the first time in my life when my oldest son was 6 weeks old...it was valentines day 1995 and of course i failed and ended up in the hospital which is where i first started my cutting...from the hospital i went and lived in an adolescent residential for emotionally disturbed teens i was there until august 1998 when i turned 19...while i was there my self harm just got worse and my hopelessness with life carried on...several times while in there i tried to kill myself with no success...i got out when i was 19 in agust 1998 and stayed with family friends here there everywhere even shelters and the park and sidewalks at times but none of this helped i was still cutting and continued to be in and out of hospitals for trying to commit suicide there was even several times when i would self harm while in the hospital...i also went to day treatment and alls i did there was avoid dealing with any real issues and had been in a constant state of crisis through therapy i made very few break throughs and many times just avoided and ran from anything that would cause me to remember my past...in may 2000 i found out i was pregnant with my 7 second child which gave me reason and meaning to survive...i stopped cutting and started to live...i began to go to school and got an apartment through my case manager at dmh...the father was not involved at the time since it was a one night thing but i did move into the same building he lived in which was somewhat strange and uncomfortable but i managed...when my second son was born we got together and i ended up pregnant 5 weeks after his birth and we got married 2 a month after that and moved to a bigger apartment...that was feb 2001 and we got married march 7th 2001...the physical abuse with him started not long after that and it continuied until last year when i finally was able to gain some courage through the help of therapy and treatment to get a protective order on him...in 2003 we seperated for 6 months in which he lied to courts to get emergency custody of the 2 kids which 5 days later ended up in foster care which they stayed there for 2 long years...during that 6 months we were seperated and it was torture he harrasseed me tried having me arrested on several occasions and shit like that telling lie after lie i ended up relapsing with my cutting which i had not done for over 2 years that febuary and was hospitalized then again i tried to overdose and kill myself in april of that year...after getting oput of the hospital i started to move forward and tried to get on with my life and fight for my children...in may 2003 i started to mess around with an old friend and ended up pregnant by the end of may...but i didnt know yet...when all a sudden my husband went to the person i had been messing with and said he wanted me back...i jumped back into that relationship with him and then found out i was pregnant a few weeks later...then i got pregnat with my 5th child a few months after my 4th child was born and the 2nd and 3rd child were still in foster care and my oldest child still lived with my mom...we moved around alot and finally proved enough stability to get the 2 back from the state on feb 25th 2005 when my youngest and last chiold was 9 days old and the forth child was a year old that day that the second and third child came home...it was long there after that there were abuse towards the children and myself and the stability went down hill quickly...instead of being able to get things straight we moved out of state to avoid the issues that were happening and lost the 4 youngest children jan 18th 2006...i was still under his control even after finding out about my daughters sexual abuse by him which i found out august 2006...he was continuing to do what he wanted with me when he wanted it and i allowed it i guess...i didntr get away from him until april 2 2007 which was too late for me to regain custody of the kids and i lost my rights due to my inability to stabilize myself...i had relapsed back into my self harm feb 2006 and have not been able to gain control over it since...i have tried to kill myself on several occassions and been in and out of icu and the psychiatric hospitals and treatment centers since losing them...now i have lsot all my rights to them and can no longer see them find out about them or have anything to do with them...they all will be adopted at some point...the 3 youngest have already been adopted and as for my 7 year old he is in a residential for children with behavoir difficulties and supposed to be going to a home when he is stable enough...my oldest son who is now 13 lives 12 hours away still with my mother and i see him periodically...he will be coming down for the whole summer and i am excited...i talk to him almost everyday and am worried bout his mental health and what he has gone through in his life but he is the type that holds everything in and takes it out on his school work and has for years...i am currently free from self harm since tuesday april 15th 2008 which is not long but i am truing hour by hour to stay free even with these urges i continue to have...i currently am in dbt and have been in it since august 1998 with the middle years when i had my children when i didnt go at all and was in no kinda of treatment at all...now i am in dbt, therapy, accupunture and group therapy, and a trauma recovery group that is very difficult to be in but i am sticking it out since i quit it last year and trying to work through my life and suffering
april 21, 2008
i feel trapped with endless amounts of shame and guilt that I have inside. It keeps me tied down and unable to become what my kids will need most when and if the desire to find me years from now. these painful and heart wrenching memories continue stabbing me deep in my already shredded heart that seems more and more unfixable as the days go by and my pains continue not to subside. I continue to think about how someone else is holding them and comforting them through this difficult time in their lives like they have been for the past 2 years and cant help to feel like these thoughts are unbearable and I feel the suffocation as my many thoughts race through my mind and penetrate my soul. I know I will never get rid of this heartache and mend my broken heart. Without them I am not whole and don't believe I ever will feel whole without them in my life. No one will ever know how empty I feel without them and this burning pain I have in my heart will not subside as long as they are gone from my life. I am blinded by the fear I feel not knowing where they are how they are doing and seeing that they are okay without me there by their sides. I wish that someday I will mean something to them and be important in their lives but yet I somehow doubt I will even matter to any of them. I know that they may not want anything to do with me and that will hurt and be more devastating knowing I waited all those years and none of them care to have me in their lives. I just want to end my own life before that occurs and it is so unbearable that I take my life then and they feel it was there fault for not wanting me around. I continue to struggle day after day with these unthinkable thoughts and wonder if it is best just for me not to wait and get it over with now. if I were just able to provide them with the world and give them all they needed wanted and yearned for and I lost them then I may not feel so alone and ashamed of myself for failing them. I would know I did all I could but none of that is true I know I gave up way before I should have and didn't have it in me to fight for them. as much as I try to avoid the reality of it all I know deep in my soul the truth and know that there were many things I should have done starting years ago when they were younger although they are still young I should have did many things that I just continued to let go and rather turn away as if none of it was important. But in reality it was what destroyed us as a family. My failure to protect them and give them what they deserved safety and stability.
may 18, 2008
i am in a trauma recovery group and we are into the difficult part of the group where we are working on our abuse issues and i have not been doing my health work because i have not wanted to rehash this shit lately but i guess i really need to deal with some of it other wise i will just have wasted my time and everyone elses time in this group and not really gotten anywhere by doing the group and not working on me. last week was to write our life story on our physical abuse we endured in our life and i didnt do it but i will try to start with what i am supposed to be doing this week and go back and do that another time...well here goes i guess.............................................................................................................. .......................................................................................................................
It started when i was young not to sure of what age really but i do know that what i have been told is i was around 4 years old. My fathers brother david molested me and my brother...i was around 6 years old when my brother told otherwse i am sure it would have continued since he molested many of my cousins even his own children, my mother when she was a teenager even after she was with my father...she had me when she was 16 and he had been molesting her before she had me and after so i really dont understand why she would leave me and my brother alone with him knowing what he did...there is not much of it i remeber from back then but there are very slight pieces of things i remeber like his face and him giving me change after he did what he did...he would have me rub him in his genital area and he put his penis in my mouth...there are times when i see him standing over me and it seems like it is happening only it isnt...i never remebered any details of what happened until the past year and half when i guess after finding out my daughter was molested by my husband bits and pieces of this started occuring and it has been difficult...it all stopped once my brother told and we were put into foster care not long after all that shit came out but i never talked about it and just didnt remember...then after i came home from residential when i was 11 almost 12 my mother had a boyfriend at some point that she wasnt with long and they broke up when he went back to his wife but we were living in bradford on south pleasant street and i had my own room and i believe it happened on 2 occasions where he came in there when he was drinking he would start to rub me between my legs...i could smell the alcohol on his breathe and he would tell me how much i looked like my mom...i dont really think that affected me much because it wasnt a major event in my life it was very brief and i dont feel it had an impact on me...when i was 12 my mother was dating my fathers brother stephan...It was a saturday afternoon and my mother was at work. i was laying on her bed in her bedroom which at the time was the room next to mine.we were living on 11th ave...i was watching a movie and i am not sure where my 2 brothers were or my sister but stephan had come home early from work not really sure why. as i layed there he came and layed on the bed next to me which did not make me uncomfortable at that moment...when he began touching my breast area and slowly moved down to my genitals i became frozen...i knew what was going on was wrong i knew he shouldnt have been touching me but i was scared and nervious...for some reason i could not do anything or say anything to make him stop i was frozen for a moment and i remeber it actually felt okay he told me after he was done and i had jerked him off not to ever tell anyone or he would get into trouble and he asked me if i wanted to get him into trouble and i said no he then made me promise i wasnt going to tell anyone and i promised not to. he then gave me cigarrettes and a 10 dollar bill...i remeber i had to tell my mother that i found the money while at the park on the next street over...so many times he gave me money after we did things it became like he was paying me to have sex with him but at the time i didnt realize that...he always reminded me to keep this our secret and never to tell anyone...he began to favor me over the other kids and when my mother would hit me he would protect me from her by saying something to her to get her to stop hurting me...i felt he cared and that he would protect me because i felt i was important to him and i mattered...there were many nights when my mother was working that he would come to my room and have sex with me and at times i remeber enjoying it...he always told me how pretty i was and he constantly talked through the sex and had me talk to him dirty during it and i did he would say for me to tell im what i wanted and i would tell him fuck me or harder and i was just a fucked up teenager learning all this shit from porn movies he would watch with me or from him a 42 year old man...then i got pregnant with my sone at the age of 14 until corey was born i was so scared after finding out i was pregnant and thinking people were now going to find out and he just kept telling me not to say anything or the baby would be taken from me and he continued this but my son wasnt his...i had had sex with a guy that lived with my father a few times and i also had sex with several other men who i didnt know i would go to parks and watch men that were alone...i would make sexual gestures and expressions to them to seduce them i had become a whore by the age of 14...then my son was born and the sex neevr stopped between stephan and i even after i was tried killing myself when my son was 6 weeks old...i was put into the hospital and then into a residential in rowley where i would get passes to go home and he would pick me up and drive me home or drive me back and he would stop somewhere on the way and i would suck his dick or we would have sex and i still felt like he cared and that even though it shouldnt be happening i continued to do it...then there were the times i was in the psychiatric hospital when he would have sex with me on the way back to the hospital from pass which is the last time anything happened with him when i finally told someone at the mcleans hospital after cutting myself when getting back...we had pulled over into a the dark corner of a hotel parking lot on the way back to the hospital and we had sex and then he dropped me off...there were many nights in those 4 years that even when i didnmt want it he pressured me into doing something with him but it also became like just a part of myy life...my mother went to work and i fucked her boyfriend...there were the times when he came into the shower while i was showering and so many times i just dont remember...there are so much in my life at that time that most of those 4 years i dont remember...even when i had sex with my mothers friends husband it was like i couldnt say no i would just do it to get it over with because he wanted it...i dont remeber a whole lot about details but i do remeber some and i guess this is just the beginnign of it because there is just so much that happened and i times i dont remeber anything then other times i remeber more but right now i just feel like blocked and cant remember a whole lot more than this
It started when i was young not to sure of what age really but i do know that what i have been told is i was around 4 years old. My fathers brother david molested me and my brother...i was around 6 years old when my brother told otherwse i am sure it would have continued since he molested many of my cousins even his own children, my mother when she was a teenager even after she was with my father...she had me when she was 16 and he had been molesting her before she had me and after so i really dont understand why she would leave me and my brother alone with him knowing what he did...there is not much of it i remeber from back then but there are very slight pieces of things i remeber like his face and him giving me change after he did what he did...he would have me rub him in his genital area and he put his penis in my mouth...there are times when i see him standing over me and it seems like it is happening only it isnt...i never remebered any details of what happened until the past year and half when i guess after finding out my daughter was molested by my husband bits and pieces of this started occuring and it has been difficult...it all stopped once my brother told and we were put into foster care not long after all that shit came out but i never talked about it and just didnt remember...then after i came home from residential when i was 11 almost 12 my mother had a boyfriend at some point that she wasnt with long and they broke up when he went back to his wife but we were living in bradford on south pleasant street and i had my own room and i believe it happened on 2 occasions where he came in there when he was drinking he would start to rub me between my legs...i could smell the alcohol on his breathe and he would tell me how much i looked like my mom...i dont really think that affected me much because it wasnt a major event in my life it was very brief and i dont feel it had an impact on me...when i was 12 my mother was dating my fathers brother stephan...It was a saturday afternoon and my mother was at work. i was laying on her bed in her bedroom which at the time was the room next to mine.we were living on 11th ave...i was watching a movie and i am not sure where my 2 brothers were or my sister but stephan had come home early from work not really sure why. as i layed there he came and layed on the bed next to me which did not make me uncomfortable at that moment...when he began touching my breast area and slowly moved down to my genitals i became frozen...i knew what was going on was wrong i knew he shouldnt have been touching me but i was scared and nervious...for some reason i could not do anything or say anything to make him stop i was frozen for a moment and i remeber it actually felt okay he told me after he was done and i had jerked him off not to ever tell anyone or he would get into trouble and he asked me if i wanted to get him into trouble and i said no he then made me promise i wasnt going to tell anyone and i promised not to. he then gave me cigarrettes and a 10 dollar bill...i remeber i had to tell my mother that i found the money while at the park on the next street over...so many times he gave me money after we did things it became like he was paying me to have sex with him but at the time i didnt realize that...he always reminded me to keep this our secret and never to tell anyone...he began to favor me over the other kids and when my mother would hit me he would protect me from her by saying something to her to get her to stop hurting me...i felt he cared and that he would protect me because i felt i was important to him and i mattered...there were many nights when my mother was working that he would come to my room and have sex with me and at times i remeber enjoying it...he always told me how pretty i was and he constantly talked through the sex and had me talk to him dirty during it and i did he would say for me to tell im what i wanted and i would tell him fuck me or harder and i was just a fucked up teenager learning all this shit from porn movies he would watch with me or from him a 42 year old man...then i got pregnant with my sone at the age of 14 until corey was born i was so scared after finding out i was pregnant and thinking people were now going to find out and he just kept telling me not to say anything or the baby would be taken from me and he continued this but my son wasnt his...i had had sex with a guy that lived with my father a few times and i also had sex with several other men who i didnt know i would go to parks and watch men that were alone...i would make sexual gestures and expressions to them to seduce them i had become a whore by the age of 14...then my son was born and the sex neevr stopped between stephan and i even after i was tried killing myself when my son was 6 weeks old...i was put into the hospital and then into a residential in rowley where i would get passes to go home and he would pick me up and drive me home or drive me back and he would stop somewhere on the way and i would suck his dick or we would have sex and i still felt like he cared and that even though it shouldnt be happening i continued to do it...then there were the times i was in the psychiatric hospital when he would have sex with me on the way back to the hospital from pass which is the last time anything happened with him when i finally told someone at the mcleans hospital after cutting myself when getting back...we had pulled over into a the dark corner of a hotel parking lot on the way back to the hospital and we had sex and then he dropped me off...there were many nights in those 4 years that even when i didnmt want it he pressured me into doing something with him but it also became like just a part of myy life...my mother went to work and i fucked her boyfriend...there were the times when he came into the shower while i was showering and so many times i just dont remember...there are so much in my life at that time that most of those 4 years i dont remember...even when i had sex with my mothers friends husband it was like i couldnt say no i would just do it to get it over with because he wanted it...i dont remeber a whole lot about details but i do remeber some and i guess this is just the beginnign of it because there is just so much that happened and i times i dont remeber anything then other times i remeber more but right now i just feel like blocked and cant remember a whole lot more than this
january 20, 2008
I feel trapped with endless amounts of shame and guilt that I have inside. It keeps me tied down and unable to become what my kids will need most when and if the desire to find me years from now. these painful and heart wrenching memories continue stabbing me deep in my already shredded heart that seems more and more unfixable as the days go by and my pains continue not to subside. I continue to think about how someone else is holding them and comforting them through this difficult time in their lives like they have been for the past 2 years and cant help to feel like these thoughts are unbearable and I feel the suffocation as my many thoughts race through my mind and penetrate my soul. I know I will never get rid of this heartache and mend my broken heart. Without them I am not whole and don't believe I ever will feel whole without them in my life. No one will ever know how empty I feel without them and this burning pain I have in my heart will not subside as long as they are gone from my life. I am blinded by the fear I feel not knowing where they are how they are doing and seeing that they are okay without me there by their sides. I wish that someday I will mean something to them and be important in their lives but yet I somehow doubt I will even matter to any of them. I know that they may not want anything to do with me and that will hurt and be more devastating knowing I waited all those years and none of them care to have me in their lives. I just want to end my own life before that occurs and it is so unbearable that I take my life then and they feel it was there fault for not wanting me around. I continue to struggle day after day with these unthinkable thoughts and wonder if it is best just for me not to wait and get it over with now. if I were just able to provide them with the world and give them all they needed wanted and yearned for and I lost them then I may not feel so alone and ashamed of myself for failing them. I would know I did all I could but none of that is true I know I gave up way before I should have and didn't have it in me to fight for them. as much as I try to avoid the reality of it all I know deep in my soul the truth and know that there were many things I should have done starting years ago when they were younger although they are still young I should have did many things that I just continued to let go and rather turn away as if none of it was important. But in reality it was what destroyed us as a family. My failure to protect them and give them what they deserved safety and stability.
wrote this january 31, 2008
what bothers me most is my whole life no one believed me...growing up everywhere i turned to for help turned me away...i refused to go home from school one time cause i was afraid and alls the school did was drive me to social services and then at 5 pm when they were closing and did not want to listen to me i went to the police department and they didnt care either alls they did was call my mother to come get me and when i refused to leave they made me leave...i ended up not going with her i went to my aunts and when i went there she called my mom and told her i was going to stay there and i was okay...my mom ended up showing up there and told me that if i did not go out to the car now she was going to have her boyfriedn beat my ass in front of everyone...the same boyfriend that when i finally told her about him sexually abusing me when i was sixteen and he had been doing it since i was almost 13 she told me if he had had sex with me there would be things only some one who had sex with him would know and the only thing i could recall was he was uncircumsized and she told me anyone would know that...after that we never really have talked about it except when we are fighting and i hold a grudge because she continued to see him and talk to him even after they broke up...my brother james still talks to him and buys cars from him up until before they moved here...event though my mom is married to tom she still had him helping her move like when tom refused to drive the uhaul to missouri back in the end of 2001 then when dakoata was a baby she wanted me to let her take him to a cookout but yet i wasnt invited when i got there she had run to the store with my aunt and stephen was there corey was running around and i called her and flipped out told her my son did not belong around him and dakoata was not staying there with stephen there and she said that she had no control who was at the cookout and if i was going to be that way just cause he was there then dont expect anything from her...my whole life things have always come down to the fact that the rest of the kids kept there mouths shut with shit going on and because i always ended up saying something to someone i was treated like i wasnt part of them...if social services was coming i was told i better not say anything cause if she lost her kids she would never talk to me again when we were living in methuen on brown street...on pilling street when she was kicking me in the head while i was cowering she pushed my grandmother for getting involved in it and telling her to leave me alone...are relationship did seem better while i was pregnant with corey and then after he was born she did what my fathers family did with her maybe not to the same extent because they didnt let her feed me or hold me which really it wasnt that bad with corey with me she just constantly yelled at me for not letting my sister hold him and thats his aunt she can hold him...like she was the boss of him...i have always strived to be honest as long as i remember back really the only things i remember lying about is when things interfere with my plans to self injure and even then it is so hard for me to lie about that to certain people i have grown to sometype of trust with and have respect for...i know all this shit is the past and i need to get over it but how...how do i stop reliving the feelings from growing up whenever i feel the same feelings and stop having such a strong reaction to situations when they make me feel the same way from the past or even when i mildly feel the same way i react more than i should...yeah i know i have never dealt with any of this really and really have never delved indepth about my life...i have always avoided discussing anything really and have never worked on any of this shit and when i think about it i immediately try to hurt myself as a deterent rather than sitting through it...when i was six and i was being abused and didnt tell i was taught then to talk but never did my brother is the one who told and what happened we ended up in foster care then when i was 12 and stephen started touching me why didnt i stop it why did i allow it to continue...yes it was alot of different shit at the time he did stick up for me when my mom was treating me like shit...he did give me cigarettes and money all the time but i still knew it was wrong and even when i went into residential and it continued to happen on visits why didnt i say something then...so he showed me attention he told me he loved me all the time...but what is love...my mom never said she loved me except after beating me and then felt guilty for what she did and would tell me i love you but i dont know why you make me so angry at you...why is it that i feel i am the one who has dont something wrong my whole life because i allow shit to get to me and cant just let it go and forget about it...how is it that the rst of the kids have been able to live without allowing any of this shit to faize them and they have just been able to forget about this shit and go on about their lives...yeah they are younger than me and did not endure as much of the physical abuse from my mom but they witnessed it...my brother gene and i were the fuck ups i guess but yet gene is still protected by my mom why because he has always kept the code of silence since exposing the sexual abuse when him and i were young...is it because i cant keep my mouth shut...even though in reality i have held alot in...the only time shit comes out is when it gets too much for me to handle and i end up opening my mouth when i really dont want to...why is i feel like i dont belong to that family...but yet my mom has told me i might not even be my dads kid i might be his brother davids kid because he was still molesting my mom when she was with my dad...but yet then she allowed him to be around me and my brother and he touched us...why if she knew he was a child molester did she allow him around us...why didnt my mother protect us rather than put us in that situation...supposedly he was still doing it to her but she was an adult...will i ever get answers...will answers make a difference...will finding out the truth instead of coverup after coverup help...probably not so why is it that alls i do is search for answers or clues and question myself over and over...why do i question life so often...why do i feel like the fuckup when they are fucked up...i feel so alone and never have felt a part of them and why is it that i have always been so unwanted...how have i continued existing and cant get away from this life...how is it that when i feel i cant go on i somehow continue and even when i try not to go on i live through it...how do i escape all this and stop my pain i keep experiencing and get away from it all...i want to get away from life...i want my life to go away...erase the past and let me forget all this pain
Poems My Ex-Husband Wrote (Lies, Lies, Lies) The pain he caused me and our kids
missing my shining light
as the darkness covers us as the moonlight peaks thru the darkness i close my eyes and see my shining lights my children
they are to my the flame of my heart as a flame is to a candle and at this moment in time my heart burns like a seven
day candle brighter and stronger as my childern are away from me.sometimes my mind drifts away at the thought my children
and how they lifted the clouds from my gloomy days .each of them daniel my twin in looks autumn my little movie partner
who can sing shine your light on me ,dakaota my little partner in crime and my baby winter rose who i miss so much!my
children are to me like fenway park is to the redsox they and i go hand and hand.each and every week they are the sliver
lining in our gloomy days !they may be gone at the moment but they will never always be gone and will remain with me
and my love for them shines brighter and stronger each day we are away from each other.thru out my days i hear and see
things that remind me of them when i see a redsox logo i think of jason varitek and how he is dans buddy!when i see
a fire truck i think of autumn and how are favorite movie together is ladder 49!when i see elmo i think of kota my
little man!when i cook ribs i think of my little girl eating them as she does with a cute bbq smile!as for my wife and
i we carry on in our tough time knowing our shining lights shine bright and long like a shooting star that only we can feel and see.
as for myself my children give my strength and courage just when i think darkness is settling in!the very thought of my
babies gives me the serenity to handle what comes and goes on a daily basis !so my dear children sleep sweet dreams as i
drift asleep thinking of you my shining lights!you are my light and and always be !and i promise you will be home as soon as
we can get you home!till then i will watch the midnight sky for my daimond light in the sky.
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daniel
hello my son i miss you so very much !everyday i think of my son!yes you my little boy who looks just like his dad!
someday you and i will laugh and talk and you will ask me lots of things 1as i watch you grow you amaze me with your
candor and resemblence to me in so many ways!you are and always be my carbon copy blue eyes and blond hair!you are
so many things smart strong handsome and all the things that a dad like me would want when they think of a son like
you!and as you grow i wish so many things for you .i hope you keep your silly laugh like elmer fudd and you sense
of compassion when your mother is upset and you sense of loyality to your sisters and little brother.someday when
you are older we will laugh about youre younger days and how daddys memories of you are funny just like the day they
happened .you are so many things to me can seem to come up with all them right know !someday you will come to me
and say dad what should i do and i can only say i will try to give you the best advice i know and way the pro's
and cons of life you see.but thru it all i hope you remember one thing that you will see with your eyes and heart
as you get older and see the world and your life in your own eyes!someday i will be an old man and you will be where
i am as i write this to you.but always remember i love you and will always will and be there for you anytime any place
just as the song i heard shortly after holding you waiting will my arms wide open!
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autumn
where does a father begin to describe a daughter like my "jelly belly".you are beautful and smart silly and full
of life.you are the wind that keeps my sails going.you are youre mothers twin and when you smile i see you in
your mothers face.you are my little drama queen who will be the star of the show when she puts her mind to achieve
something that you set out to do!you will always be one of daddys little girls !when god above gave me you two
girls he gave me the best gift a man could have two little girls to spoil and love.you are like youre name mysterious
and beautful as autumn sun rise and as precious as a twight sky filled with pinks and reds and breath taking for the
world to see!you are a daimond in the rough you see and will be a remarable lady for the world to see!but remember
when you get older that i will always be here for you no matter what and that i will always here you sing shine your
light on me!and every time we see a fire engine or firefighter you always look and say daddy there goes the fire man
daddy that's my buddy!and sometimes i hope you will be the best at what you do i know you will chase youre dream till
you catch your dream and fullfill it!till then jelly you just do one thing for me go on being daddys jell bell with
your smile and amazing blue eyes and silly smile for the whole world to see!
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kota
like the infamous "rubber duck "you came to us like a convoy on the rails steaming for the line is how you
came to your mother and i .you are quite a little man smart kind always smiling and happy !i think of you
alot like the times you and i shared the couch and you layed in the crease of my arm and the thought of you
running to me with your hands out daddy!and playing with you as you drive the little white jeep.and how
you laugh as i tickle your belly !or when i carry you in my arms and you talk to me and laugh!i smile
when i think of seeing you on your tricycle and seeing you running and laughing while daddy chases you!
and when daddy gets sad i see the picture of you and i my big daddy kota!or seeing you in the tub laughing as
i watch you play and never wanting to get out!or seeing you say daddy cup when you get ready to fall asleep
in my arms as i rock you away to your sweet dreams!or blowing kisses to you my little man who loves to sit
with daddy and say hot daddy as i blow on your hand .or the thought of tickiling you with my beard and hearing
you laugh or hearing you say want some as i eat!i seem to be getting sad thinking of your little hands waking
me up and saying daddy!you will always be my main man kota!
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winter
as the moon glows from the midnight sky my thoughts of you sleeping are not to far away from my heart and my mind
you see!you are my baby and i wish so many things for you as you grow and become older.you mean so many things to
me!you are my angel a gift from god who gives me hope and strength and courage!you are like youre name beautful
as winters first snow fall and as precious as the springs first rose vibrant and full of life and like a eagle
in flight for the world to see.someday you will look at me and say daddy look at me and when the moment comes
for you to spread your wings and fly i will shaed a tear knowing it will be happy tears seeing you suceed in
what ever you do!you are a very special little girl daddys gift from god!i will be sitting with you and remind
you how you climbed on the couch one night as an infant and grabbed my face saying da!but when you get older
and acomplish what you set out to do be the very best you can be and remember you will always be daddys little
girl and live life head on with no fears and with the strength and courage you showed me when you were a little
girl!but most of all never forget your mother and i will always love you where ever you go or what ever you dream
to be the sky is the limit and nothing but the very best will do for my little rose as she grows into the woman
she will be.and when the day comes and i walk you down the isle to see you get married i will shed a few tears
knowing where you and i came from to get to that place and cry only happy tears and thoughts for you to see!
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thoughts of those i have lost
somedays are better than others and we all know that!sometimes we all lose someone special and it hurts for a while
and the constant missing of you all that i have lost sometimes bothers me to no end.sometimes i feel cheated when
i think of when you went to see the keeper of the stars!i wish sometimes i could have just five more minutes with
you to talk and to watch you see my children and see and hear you give me hell!i sometimes think i was robbed a few
precious months i sometimes wish you would have held on for a few more months to see a mini me!you always told me that
you wouldnt live to see another century but you did and as faith would have it as you checked out i was being coy
and stupid not thinking that my last words to you would be over the telephone something i wish i could have taken back
and come to see you more in your last few weeks instaed of being a horny toad.but all and all we had a good run from
the times when i was growing up and driving you crazy!from eating your strawberries in your patch when you forbid it!
to climbing the trelis and hearing you yell and saying iam will get you young man.to the thought of holding your
hand as i looked at the chief as he lay in state.not afraid of holding his hand and not knowing why but that he was
a great man who had his faults but in the end overcame them to see and be with his family.i still remember that last
call when you made me make you a promise not to keep my kids from my so called mother and you said young man what
ever will be will be about me but promise me you will let her see them for me and i reluctenly said yes and lived up to
the promise only to see it make us further apart.but i still think of you often and wish you could be here now with me
in my time of need .but as they say ashes to ashes dust to dust in the end you are up there with the chief and sometimes
i feel you with me !just a few thoughts to ponder for myself you see!
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winter winds
as the winter chill is in the air i can feel a winter wind thru my bones on this moonlit evening.sometimes i think life
is like a winter sometimes the winds are fast and forceful sometimes the winter winds are calm at night!as for this
moment in time i feel as if my life is like a cyclone wind force at times and other times it is like a calming wind
on a spring day chilly yet warm enough to take the chill out of my bones.winter winds are the like the end of winter
like clouds off in the distance they move quick and roll out quick.but like life winds change direction and i hope
for sanitys sake that my winter winds will calm down and become warm stable winds as my life should be for my childrens sake.
gone are turblulant days of my wife and i fighting one another like prized fighters here are the days we should be rejoycing
one anothers company as we have a common goal to bring our children and raise them like we planned in the mid atlantic
city we now live in.
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five years
as i sit and write the thought of my wife and it's fifth wedding anniversary comes to mind it has been one hell of a
ride .we have had are ups kids etc..and downs our seperation etc..but i do belive we were meant to be and in the end we will
be allright.i belive god has given us more strength than others to overcome what we have in our past and more strength in
our future.sometimes as i drift to sleep i have so many thoughts racing around my mind.sometimes i realize my wife feels
as if she is one of the many angles floating in my mind and my sometimes life that can sometimes resemble a storm at sea.
but when it comes down to it you are and will always be the love in my heart and soul even thou i dont sometimes admit it!
in first two were rough second rougher and hopefully the next few will get eaiser .sometimes when i am sleeping and caught
in my memories of choas i wake to see you next to me and realizing you are there does more than you will ever know.but most
of all iam proud of you and where we have come in five years and may we grow old and may our marriage age like a fine
wine and may me realize that you with out me or visa versa we made like that song we made it so far and in another five will have a decade
together and in the end our love remains strong and true.
***************************************************************************
crazy
sometimes i see you sometimes i dont but you are always on my mind.somtimes we laugh sometimes we argue but thru it all you are my
wife keeper of our lives and children.sometimes i dont give you credit and sometimes i do silently,when you need to here the
little words thanks or good job.i sometimes forget that you are very senstive and yurn for my attention and thoughts but
truthfully you are in ways you are unware of.true we have had ups and downs like a roller coaster but in the end we still
are here together.but i do worry about you very much and unable to show you the way you want.you arent crazt like i tease you.
but we will prevail and get our babys back home and go on in our crazy thing we share called life.
***************************************************************************
my tiger
when i think of my oldest son he is truly my eye of the tiger in life.he is strong and iron willed and shows me every
day that he is a tiger in the jungle we call life.only five years old he demonstrates courage and a fire within that i used
to have when i thought of my father who i havent seen in many moons.he has the strength of a hundred warriors within him
and i hope and pray i can teach him how to harness that power.he can be anything if he lets the fire burn within him and
drive him to suceed in life.i have until this very early morning have misunderstood him when i should have realized the
fire that burns within him.he has more guts that david when he faced golaith and more heart than a grizzly bear.his
loyality his one of his strongest points yet his knowledge of trust is limited like his mother and mine.he is our little
warrior and will be as brave as his scottish ancestors fighting for freedom.his passion is unkown at this very moment
but when he discovers it will be pure and true.thats why you will forver be my eye of the tiger!
***************************************************************************
a letter to my dad
hello stranger i write this knowing we may never meet but hope someday i will be wrong and this will be a letter you never got.
it has been what twenty something years since you last seen me .as i grew into what ihave become a father myself i swore
i never would let what happen to me to my children .but your ghost haunts me as i look in the mirror and at my son.he
has the curse of you like i do the look of maf .i sometimes wonder if the sun will ever shine on you and i in the same place in my lifetime.
its as if i am running against a ghost when i think of you.i wish things between you and my mother would have been alot different but be
it as it may i found your family and spent time with your mother and father and know what my mother ment when she said look in the mirror
and you will see what your father looked like.know i see you in my sons eyes and face like myself and it scares me that he
and i look like a ghost.i have and always wonder who you are and what you look like.so my friend you are like an old friend awaiting me in the dark
but someday soon we will resolve this matter but for know i will hope if you exist you are in health and spirts and hope
for a resoultion sometime soon.
*****************************************************************************************************************************
as the darkness covers us as the moonlight peaks thru the darkness i close my eyes and see my shining lights my children
they are to my the flame of my heart as a flame is to a candle and at this moment in time my heart burns like a seven
day candle brighter and stronger as my childern are away from me.sometimes my mind drifts away at the thought my children
and how they lifted the clouds from my gloomy days .each of them daniel my twin in looks autumn my little movie partner
who can sing shine your light on me ,dakaota my little partner in crime and my baby winter rose who i miss so much!my
children are to me like fenway park is to the redsox they and i go hand and hand.each and every week they are the sliver
lining in our gloomy days !they may be gone at the moment but they will never always be gone and will remain with me
and my love for them shines brighter and stronger each day we are away from each other.thru out my days i hear and see
things that remind me of them when i see a redsox logo i think of jason varitek and how he is dans buddy!when i see
a fire truck i think of autumn and how are favorite movie together is ladder 49!when i see elmo i think of kota my
little man!when i cook ribs i think of my little girl eating them as she does with a cute bbq smile!as for my wife and
i we carry on in our tough time knowing our shining lights shine bright and long like a shooting star that only we can feel and see.
as for myself my children give my strength and courage just when i think darkness is settling in!the very thought of my
babies gives me the serenity to handle what comes and goes on a daily basis !so my dear children sleep sweet dreams as i
drift asleep thinking of you my shining lights!you are my light and and always be !and i promise you will be home as soon as
we can get you home!till then i will watch the midnight sky for my daimond light in the sky.
***************************************************************************
daniel
hello my son i miss you so very much !everyday i think of my son!yes you my little boy who looks just like his dad!
someday you and i will laugh and talk and you will ask me lots of things 1as i watch you grow you amaze me with your
candor and resemblence to me in so many ways!you are and always be my carbon copy blue eyes and blond hair!you are
so many things smart strong handsome and all the things that a dad like me would want when they think of a son like
you!and as you grow i wish so many things for you .i hope you keep your silly laugh like elmer fudd and you sense
of compassion when your mother is upset and you sense of loyality to your sisters and little brother.someday when
you are older we will laugh about youre younger days and how daddys memories of you are funny just like the day they
happened .you are so many things to me can seem to come up with all them right know !someday you will come to me
and say dad what should i do and i can only say i will try to give you the best advice i know and way the pro's
and cons of life you see.but thru it all i hope you remember one thing that you will see with your eyes and heart
as you get older and see the world and your life in your own eyes!someday i will be an old man and you will be where
i am as i write this to you.but always remember i love you and will always will and be there for you anytime any place
just as the song i heard shortly after holding you waiting will my arms wide open!
***************************************************************************
autumn
where does a father begin to describe a daughter like my "jelly belly".you are beautful and smart silly and full
of life.you are the wind that keeps my sails going.you are youre mothers twin and when you smile i see you in
your mothers face.you are my little drama queen who will be the star of the show when she puts her mind to achieve
something that you set out to do!you will always be one of daddys little girls !when god above gave me you two
girls he gave me the best gift a man could have two little girls to spoil and love.you are like youre name mysterious
and beautful as autumn sun rise and as precious as a twight sky filled with pinks and reds and breath taking for the
world to see!you are a daimond in the rough you see and will be a remarable lady for the world to see!but remember
when you get older that i will always be here for you no matter what and that i will always here you sing shine your
light on me!and every time we see a fire engine or firefighter you always look and say daddy there goes the fire man
daddy that's my buddy!and sometimes i hope you will be the best at what you do i know you will chase youre dream till
you catch your dream and fullfill it!till then jelly you just do one thing for me go on being daddys jell bell with
your smile and amazing blue eyes and silly smile for the whole world to see!
***************************************************************************
kota
like the infamous "rubber duck "you came to us like a convoy on the rails steaming for the line is how you
came to your mother and i .you are quite a little man smart kind always smiling and happy !i think of you
alot like the times you and i shared the couch and you layed in the crease of my arm and the thought of you
running to me with your hands out daddy!and playing with you as you drive the little white jeep.and how
you laugh as i tickle your belly !or when i carry you in my arms and you talk to me and laugh!i smile
when i think of seeing you on your tricycle and seeing you running and laughing while daddy chases you!
and when daddy gets sad i see the picture of you and i my big daddy kota!or seeing you in the tub laughing as
i watch you play and never wanting to get out!or seeing you say daddy cup when you get ready to fall asleep
in my arms as i rock you away to your sweet dreams!or blowing kisses to you my little man who loves to sit
with daddy and say hot daddy as i blow on your hand .or the thought of tickiling you with my beard and hearing
you laugh or hearing you say want some as i eat!i seem to be getting sad thinking of your little hands waking
me up and saying daddy!you will always be my main man kota!
***************************************************************************
winter
as the moon glows from the midnight sky my thoughts of you sleeping are not to far away from my heart and my mind
you see!you are my baby and i wish so many things for you as you grow and become older.you mean so many things to
me!you are my angel a gift from god who gives me hope and strength and courage!you are like youre name beautful
as winters first snow fall and as precious as the springs first rose vibrant and full of life and like a eagle
in flight for the world to see.someday you will look at me and say daddy look at me and when the moment comes
for you to spread your wings and fly i will shaed a tear knowing it will be happy tears seeing you suceed in
what ever you do!you are a very special little girl daddys gift from god!i will be sitting with you and remind
you how you climbed on the couch one night as an infant and grabbed my face saying da!but when you get older
and acomplish what you set out to do be the very best you can be and remember you will always be daddys little
girl and live life head on with no fears and with the strength and courage you showed me when you were a little
girl!but most of all never forget your mother and i will always love you where ever you go or what ever you dream
to be the sky is the limit and nothing but the very best will do for my little rose as she grows into the woman
she will be.and when the day comes and i walk you down the isle to see you get married i will shed a few tears
knowing where you and i came from to get to that place and cry only happy tears and thoughts for you to see!
***************************************************************************
thoughts of those i have lost
somedays are better than others and we all know that!sometimes we all lose someone special and it hurts for a while
and the constant missing of you all that i have lost sometimes bothers me to no end.sometimes i feel cheated when
i think of when you went to see the keeper of the stars!i wish sometimes i could have just five more minutes with
you to talk and to watch you see my children and see and hear you give me hell!i sometimes think i was robbed a few
precious months i sometimes wish you would have held on for a few more months to see a mini me!you always told me that
you wouldnt live to see another century but you did and as faith would have it as you checked out i was being coy
and stupid not thinking that my last words to you would be over the telephone something i wish i could have taken back
and come to see you more in your last few weeks instaed of being a horny toad.but all and all we had a good run from
the times when i was growing up and driving you crazy!from eating your strawberries in your patch when you forbid it!
to climbing the trelis and hearing you yell and saying iam will get you young man.to the thought of holding your
hand as i looked at the chief as he lay in state.not afraid of holding his hand and not knowing why but that he was
a great man who had his faults but in the end overcame them to see and be with his family.i still remember that last
call when you made me make you a promise not to keep my kids from my so called mother and you said young man what
ever will be will be about me but promise me you will let her see them for me and i reluctenly said yes and lived up to
the promise only to see it make us further apart.but i still think of you often and wish you could be here now with me
in my time of need .but as they say ashes to ashes dust to dust in the end you are up there with the chief and sometimes
i feel you with me !just a few thoughts to ponder for myself you see!
***************************************************************************
winter winds
as the winter chill is in the air i can feel a winter wind thru my bones on this moonlit evening.sometimes i think life
is like a winter sometimes the winds are fast and forceful sometimes the winter winds are calm at night!as for this
moment in time i feel as if my life is like a cyclone wind force at times and other times it is like a calming wind
on a spring day chilly yet warm enough to take the chill out of my bones.winter winds are the like the end of winter
like clouds off in the distance they move quick and roll out quick.but like life winds change direction and i hope
for sanitys sake that my winter winds will calm down and become warm stable winds as my life should be for my childrens sake.
gone are turblulant days of my wife and i fighting one another like prized fighters here are the days we should be rejoycing
one anothers company as we have a common goal to bring our children and raise them like we planned in the mid atlantic
city we now live in.
***************************************************************************
five years
as i sit and write the thought of my wife and it's fifth wedding anniversary comes to mind it has been one hell of a
ride .we have had are ups kids etc..and downs our seperation etc..but i do belive we were meant to be and in the end we will
be allright.i belive god has given us more strength than others to overcome what we have in our past and more strength in
our future.sometimes as i drift to sleep i have so many thoughts racing around my mind.sometimes i realize my wife feels
as if she is one of the many angles floating in my mind and my sometimes life that can sometimes resemble a storm at sea.
but when it comes down to it you are and will always be the love in my heart and soul even thou i dont sometimes admit it!
in first two were rough second rougher and hopefully the next few will get eaiser .sometimes when i am sleeping and caught
in my memories of choas i wake to see you next to me and realizing you are there does more than you will ever know.but most
of all iam proud of you and where we have come in five years and may we grow old and may our marriage age like a fine
wine and may me realize that you with out me or visa versa we made like that song we made it so far and in another five will have a decade
together and in the end our love remains strong and true.
***************************************************************************
crazy
sometimes i see you sometimes i dont but you are always on my mind.somtimes we laugh sometimes we argue but thru it all you are my
wife keeper of our lives and children.sometimes i dont give you credit and sometimes i do silently,when you need to here the
little words thanks or good job.i sometimes forget that you are very senstive and yurn for my attention and thoughts but
truthfully you are in ways you are unware of.true we have had ups and downs like a roller coaster but in the end we still
are here together.but i do worry about you very much and unable to show you the way you want.you arent crazt like i tease you.
but we will prevail and get our babys back home and go on in our crazy thing we share called life.
***************************************************************************
my tiger
when i think of my oldest son he is truly my eye of the tiger in life.he is strong and iron willed and shows me every
day that he is a tiger in the jungle we call life.only five years old he demonstrates courage and a fire within that i used
to have when i thought of my father who i havent seen in many moons.he has the strength of a hundred warriors within him
and i hope and pray i can teach him how to harness that power.he can be anything if he lets the fire burn within him and
drive him to suceed in life.i have until this very early morning have misunderstood him when i should have realized the
fire that burns within him.he has more guts that david when he faced golaith and more heart than a grizzly bear.his
loyality his one of his strongest points yet his knowledge of trust is limited like his mother and mine.he is our little
warrior and will be as brave as his scottish ancestors fighting for freedom.his passion is unkown at this very moment
but when he discovers it will be pure and true.thats why you will forver be my eye of the tiger!
***************************************************************************
a letter to my dad
hello stranger i write this knowing we may never meet but hope someday i will be wrong and this will be a letter you never got.
it has been what twenty something years since you last seen me .as i grew into what ihave become a father myself i swore
i never would let what happen to me to my children .but your ghost haunts me as i look in the mirror and at my son.he
has the curse of you like i do the look of maf .i sometimes wonder if the sun will ever shine on you and i in the same place in my lifetime.
its as if i am running against a ghost when i think of you.i wish things between you and my mother would have been alot different but be
it as it may i found your family and spent time with your mother and father and know what my mother ment when she said look in the mirror
and you will see what your father looked like.know i see you in my sons eyes and face like myself and it scares me that he
and i look like a ghost.i have and always wonder who you are and what you look like.so my friend you are like an old friend awaiting me in the dark
but someday soon we will resolve this matter but for know i will hope if you exist you are in health and spirts and hope
for a resoultion sometime soon.
*****************************************************************************************************************************
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/12/09/ptsd.brain.kids.memory/index.html
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/12/09/ptsd.brain.kids.memory/index.html
(CNN) -- Psychological trauma may leave a visible trace in a child's brain, scientists say.
A new study published in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology found that children with symptoms of post-traumatic stress had poor function of the hippocampus, a part of the brain that stores and retrieves memories.
This is the first study to use functional magnetic resonance imaging, or fMRI, to look at the function of the hippocampus in youth with symptoms of post-traumatic stress, researchers said. The findings are in line with what has been previously found in adults.
The study was led by Dr. Victor Carrion, and the senior author was Dr. Allan Reiss, both at the Center for Interdisciplinary Brain Sciences Research at Stanford University School of Medicine.
Post-traumatic stress disorder is a condition that children and adults develop in response to a traumatic event. Intrusive memories, increased anxiety and emotional arousal are some of the symptoms, and typically they begin within three months of a traumatic event, according to the Mayo Clinic.
Of youths who have experienced a traumatic event, 3 percent to 15 percent of girls and 1 percent to 6 percent of boys could get a PTSD diagnosis, according to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.
By contrast, an estimated 6.8 percent of the adult American population has had PTSD at some point, the department said.
The condition looks slightly different depending on age -- young children may display "post-traumatic play" in which they repeat themes of the trauma, whereas adolescents may incorporate aspects of the trauma into their lives, carrying a weapon for instance. Also, adolescents are more likely than younger children or adults to exhibit impulsive and aggressive behaviors, according to the Department of Veterans Affairs.
Although the study shows only an association -- not a cause-and-effect relationship -- between this brain damage and post-traumatic stress, the study authors believe the abnormal hippocampus findings are the consequence of post-traumatic stress, not a risk factor for it, said co-author Brian Haas.
That explanation makes sense, given what is known about post-trauma, said Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN's chief medical correspondent and a neurosurgeon. He was not involved in the study. One of the reflexes that can come after a traumatic event is forgetting it, meaning perhaps "the hippocampus shrinks to fade away memories," he said.
"The flip side of it is that you have trouble with memory overall," he said. "You wish you could just forget the event."
Animal studies have shown that brain damage in mice occurs after a trauma has been induced, Haas said.
Gupta said the study is important as researchers try to pinpoint what happens in the brain anatomically when a person has a trauma-related disorder.
The study looked at 27 people ages 10 to 17, which is a reasonable sample size for an imaging study of how the brain functions, said Lisa Shin, associate professor of psychology at Tufts University, who was not involved in the study. Participants were divided into 16 young people who had symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and 11 normal youths.
Scientists scanned the participants' brains while they completed a verbal memory test. They read a list of words, then looked at a similar set with additional words and had to remember which words were on the original list.
Participants with PTSD symptoms did worse on the recall portion and showed less activity in the hippocampus during that time than the control group members.
The young people whose hippocampus functioning was the worst were more likely to experience avoidance and numbing symptoms of PTSD -- having difficulty remembering the trauma, feeling isolated and not displaying emotion.
Previous research had found that adults with PTSD tended to have a smaller hippocampus volume.
Measuring neural functioning in the brain can indicate the extent of symptoms that a person is experiencing after a PTSD diagnosis, and reflect the effectiveness of therapy, Haas said. In other words, if the hippocampus is functioning better, that may mean the treatment is working.
If there is enough evidence that the hippocampus is involved in PTSD, a treatment could, in theory, be targeted to it, Shin said. There is some indication that treatment with serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs, is associated with memory improvement and increased volume of the hippocampus in adults with PTSD.
Shin and colleagues are working on a twin study to explore whether brain abnormalities in people with PTSD were pre-existing risk factors or the result of PTSD.
(CNN) -- Psychological trauma may leave a visible trace in a child's brain, scientists say.
A new study published in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology found that children with symptoms of post-traumatic stress had poor function of the hippocampus, a part of the brain that stores and retrieves memories.
This is the first study to use functional magnetic resonance imaging, or fMRI, to look at the function of the hippocampus in youth with symptoms of post-traumatic stress, researchers said. The findings are in line with what has been previously found in adults.
The study was led by Dr. Victor Carrion, and the senior author was Dr. Allan Reiss, both at the Center for Interdisciplinary Brain Sciences Research at Stanford University School of Medicine.
Post-traumatic stress disorder is a condition that children and adults develop in response to a traumatic event. Intrusive memories, increased anxiety and emotional arousal are some of the symptoms, and typically they begin within three months of a traumatic event, according to the Mayo Clinic.
Of youths who have experienced a traumatic event, 3 percent to 15 percent of girls and 1 percent to 6 percent of boys could get a PTSD diagnosis, according to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.
By contrast, an estimated 6.8 percent of the adult American population has had PTSD at some point, the department said.
The condition looks slightly different depending on age -- young children may display "post-traumatic play" in which they repeat themes of the trauma, whereas adolescents may incorporate aspects of the trauma into their lives, carrying a weapon for instance. Also, adolescents are more likely than younger children or adults to exhibit impulsive and aggressive behaviors, according to the Department of Veterans Affairs.
Although the study shows only an association -- not a cause-and-effect relationship -- between this brain damage and post-traumatic stress, the study authors believe the abnormal hippocampus findings are the consequence of post-traumatic stress, not a risk factor for it, said co-author Brian Haas.
That explanation makes sense, given what is known about post-trauma, said Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN's chief medical correspondent and a neurosurgeon. He was not involved in the study. One of the reflexes that can come after a traumatic event is forgetting it, meaning perhaps "the hippocampus shrinks to fade away memories," he said.
"The flip side of it is that you have trouble with memory overall," he said. "You wish you could just forget the event."
Animal studies have shown that brain damage in mice occurs after a trauma has been induced, Haas said.
Gupta said the study is important as researchers try to pinpoint what happens in the brain anatomically when a person has a trauma-related disorder.
The study looked at 27 people ages 10 to 17, which is a reasonable sample size for an imaging study of how the brain functions, said Lisa Shin, associate professor of psychology at Tufts University, who was not involved in the study. Participants were divided into 16 young people who had symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and 11 normal youths.
Scientists scanned the participants' brains while they completed a verbal memory test. They read a list of words, then looked at a similar set with additional words and had to remember which words were on the original list.
Participants with PTSD symptoms did worse on the recall portion and showed less activity in the hippocampus during that time than the control group members.
The young people whose hippocampus functioning was the worst were more likely to experience avoidance and numbing symptoms of PTSD -- having difficulty remembering the trauma, feeling isolated and not displaying emotion.
Previous research had found that adults with PTSD tended to have a smaller hippocampus volume.
Measuring neural functioning in the brain can indicate the extent of symptoms that a person is experiencing after a PTSD diagnosis, and reflect the effectiveness of therapy, Haas said. In other words, if the hippocampus is functioning better, that may mean the treatment is working.
If there is enough evidence that the hippocampus is involved in PTSD, a treatment could, in theory, be targeted to it, Shin said. There is some indication that treatment with serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs, is associated with memory improvement and increased volume of the hippocampus in adults with PTSD.
Shin and colleagues are working on a twin study to explore whether brain abnormalities in people with PTSD were pre-existing risk factors or the result of PTSD.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Half Cracked
Half Cracked:
"Half Cracked
Written by Lady Snafu
time stands still-
transcending her totality
each disconnected thought-
weaves itself into perfection
golden rays frozen lifeless-
catch falling moonbeams
voices call from the darkness-
painting half truths of dead lies
memories silenced-
tears choked by fear
feed on the mere existence-
of what lies beneath
reflections in the mirror-
facets of broken dreams
stare back-
half cracked
LadySnafu"
"Half Cracked
Written by Lady Snafu
time stands still-
transcending her totality
each disconnected thought-
weaves itself into perfection
golden rays frozen lifeless-
catch falling moonbeams
voices call from the darkness-
painting half truths of dead lies
memories silenced-
tears choked by fear
feed on the mere existence-
of what lies beneath
reflections in the mirror-
facets of broken dreams
stare back-
half cracked
LadySnafu"
kinnda depressed = depressing quotes +pics | revengeofthegardengnomes on Xanga
kinnda depressed = depressing quotes +pics | revengeofthegardengnomes on Xanga: "'People always leave'
My whole life, I've followed this quote
Believing every single word of it to be the only truth
I've watched as every single person walked out of my life
As if I'm just a pit stop along their way
But then I look around
I see children giving their parents 80th birthday parties
I see friends who have been inseparable since birth
I see couples celebrating their 40th anniversary together
These people have known each other for decades
And are still here
And I realise, maybe I was wrong
Maybe people don't always leave
Maybe... people just leave me"
My whole life, I've followed this quote
Believing every single word of it to be the only truth
I've watched as every single person walked out of my life
As if I'm just a pit stop along their way
But then I look around
I see children giving their parents 80th birthday parties
I see friends who have been inseparable since birth
I see couples celebrating their 40th anniversary together
These people have known each other for decades
And are still here
And I realise, maybe I was wrong
Maybe people don't always leave
Maybe... people just leave me"
Friendship Poems, Poems about Friendship, Inspirational cute poetry, poem
Friendship Poems, Poems about Friendship, Inspirational cute poetry, poem: "Special Friend Poems
'Portrait of a Friend'
I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts,
or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will
search for answers.
I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.
I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.
Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.
Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.
I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship,
from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.
I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,
room to be yourself.
I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.
I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.
--Unknown"
'Portrait of a Friend'
I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts,
or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will
search for answers.
I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.
I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.
Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.
Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.
I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship,
from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.
I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,
room to be yourself.
I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.
I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.
--Unknown"
Friendship Poems - Poems about Lost Friends - Losing A Piece Of My Soul by Jasmine Johnston
Friendship Poems - Poems about Lost Friends - Losing A Piece Of My Soul by Jasmine Johnston: "Losing A Piece Of My Soul
by Jasmine Johnston
I came to you the hour I was in pain
Looking for answers, I cried to you in vain.
I shared the many skeletons hiding in my heart,
I knew then you'd be my friend,
I knew it from the start.
Troubles ran like rivers, flowing through my life,
You picked the pieces up and help me through my strife.
When home wasn't home to me no more,
You opened up your heart, and opened up the door.
We cried into night until the early morn.
We solaced each other's pain and shared our many thorns.
As time flew, the air grew thick,
I saw our friendship fading, and my heart grew sick.
The day had arrived,
When it was time to say goodbye.
Now I sit alone,
reminiscing the past I'd blown."
by Jasmine Johnston
I came to you the hour I was in pain
Looking for answers, I cried to you in vain.
I shared the many skeletons hiding in my heart,
I knew then you'd be my friend,
I knew it from the start.
Troubles ran like rivers, flowing through my life,
You picked the pieces up and help me through my strife.
When home wasn't home to me no more,
You opened up your heart, and opened up the door.
We cried into night until the early morn.
We solaced each other's pain and shared our many thorns.
As time flew, the air grew thick,
I saw our friendship fading, and my heart grew sick.
The day had arrived,
When it was time to say goodbye.
Now I sit alone,
reminiscing the past I'd blown."
Friendship Poems - Poems about Lost Friends - Losing A Piece Of My Soul by Jasmine Johnston
Friendship Poems - Poems about Lost Friends - Losing A Piece Of My Soul by Jasmine Johnston: "Losing A Piece Of My Soul
by Jasmine Johnston
I came to you the hour I was in pain
Looking for answers, I cried to you in vain.
I shared the many skeletons hiding in my heart,
I knew then you'd be my friend,
I knew it from the start.
Troubles ran like rivers, flowing through my life,
You picked the pieces up and help me through my strife.
When home wasn't home to me no more,
You opened up your heart, and opened up the door.
We cried into night until the early morn.
We solaced each other's pain and shared our many thorns.
As time flew, the air grew thick,
I saw our friendship fading, and my heart grew sick.
The day had arrived,
When it was time to say goodbye.
Now I sit alone,
reminiscing the past I'd blown."
by Jasmine Johnston
I came to you the hour I was in pain
Looking for answers, I cried to you in vain.
I shared the many skeletons hiding in my heart,
I knew then you'd be my friend,
I knew it from the start.
Troubles ran like rivers, flowing through my life,
You picked the pieces up and help me through my strife.
When home wasn't home to me no more,
You opened up your heart, and opened up the door.
We cried into night until the early morn.
We solaced each other's pain and shared our many thorns.
As time flew, the air grew thick,
I saw our friendship fading, and my heart grew sick.
The day had arrived,
When it was time to say goodbye.
Now I sit alone,
reminiscing the past I'd blown."
Monday, March 22, 2010
Therapy Metaphors
Therapy Metaphors
Therapy metaphors use a story or illustration to see alternative ways of looking at something. Every culture and religion uses these types of stories, analogies, parables to improve understanding, make a point more memorable, and help us make positive changes.
The example metaphors here are to help us see thoughts – their nature and role - in a different light. Just that alone, seeing thoughts differently, helps to create a space, a distance, between us and our thoughts, which helps us to stand back a little, see things a bit more objectively, and make wiser and more helpful decisions about how to react effectively.
Passengers on the Bus
You can be in the driving seat, whilst all the passengers (thoughts) are being critical, abusive, intrusive, distracting, and shouting directions, or sometimes just plain nonsense. You can allow those passengers to shout and chatter noisily, whilst keeping your attention focused on the road ahead, heading towards your goal or value.
(Hayes et al 1999)
Playground Bully
Our minds are like school playgrounds that are surrounded by secure high fences – they keep children in, and others out. Any bullies in that playground mean that the other children can’t escape for long. This particular bully uses verbal abuse, shouting, teasing, and threats. They’re all fenced in together, and ideally, all the children have just got to learn to accept and learn to be with each other. So neither can we escape our thoughts, we can’t stop them, but perhaps we can learn to live with them by seeing them differently. Along comes bully, and takes on 3 potential ‘victims’ who all react differently.
Victim 1 – believes the bully, distressed, reacts automatically (bully carries on)
Victim 2 – challenges the bully “hey I’m not stupid, I got 8 out of 10 in my spelling test this morning, you only got 4” (bully eventually gives up)
Victim 3 – looks at the bully (acknowledges the thought), then walks away and goes off to play football with his mates (dismisses the thought, then changes their focus of attention.
(Based on Hannan & Tolin 2005)
The River
Sometimes it feels like we’re being carried away downstream, struggling to stay afloat amongst all the mud, filth and debris. That muck and debris are thoughts, sensations, events, feelings, and that river is our distress as we drift helplessly downstream. But we can stand on the riverbank, watching as those thoughts, events, sensations, feelings go by. You might watch individual items as they pass – perhaps a thought floating on a leaf, a sensation as a log, event as on old bicycle. We can stand and watch.
The Beach Ball
We try to stop thoughts, but that’s impossible. It’s like trying to constantly hold an enormous inflatable beach ball under the water, but it keeps popping up in front of our faces. We can allow the ball to float around us, just letting it be. So rather than stop the thoughts, we can stop fighting them, and let them be, without reacting to them.
(Vivyan 2009)
Thought train
We can sit on the train, watching the scenery (thoughts, images, sensations) go by, or stand on the platform watching the thought train pass by – we don’t have to jump on it.
The Tunnel
When we get anxious driving through a tunnel, the best option is to keep going rather than try to escape. This feeling will pass – there is an end to this tunnel.
The Mountain
Whatever the weather, or whatever happens on the surface of the mountain – the mountain stands firm, strong, grounded, permanent. We can be like that mountain, observing thoughts, feelings, sensations, knowing inner stillness.
The Mind Monsters (Bad Wolf, Good Wolf)
We can think of unhelpful or distressing thoughts as the Mind Monsters. (The Native American Cherokees use a similar example of a "Bad Wolf, Good Wolf"). Being a monster, we can’t do much to stop or fight them – that just seems futile sometimes. When we do fight, it can help for a while, but those monsters may well just keep coming back. Like all monsters though, these Mind Monsters need food. If we can deprive them of food, then they’ll eventually go off seeking sustenance elsewhere. These monsters (or 'Bad Wolf') feed off our reactions – our believing those monsters, reacting to them, being upset by them, and acting accordingly and often automatically and unthinkingly. We can maintain and make worse our situations just by those reactions. Those vicious cycles of our reactions mean that the monsters just keep coming. If we can stop ‘feeding’ the monsters – they’ll get weaker and weaker and eventually move away. Others will come, but again we can choose not to feed them – by changing the way we think and react, and by paying more attention to the 'Good Wolf' in us.
Bad Wolf, Good Wolf: http://www.rainbowbody.net/Ongwhehonwhe/cherokee.htm
Google Earth & The Helicopter View
Sometimes it’s useful to see the bigger picture. When something is distressing us, we’re so close to it, involved with it, part of it – it’s really hard to stand back from what’s happening. It’s a bit like Google Earth – we see the close up view but everything else is hidden from us. "We can't see the wood for the trees". We can zoom out our perspective, and see the bigger picture. Some might describe it as like having a helicopter view – as the helicopter takes off, getting higher and higher, it sees a bigger picture, and is less involved with the detail at ground level.
(diagram: Vivyan 2009)
Foreground & Background – Monitors & Zoom lenses
When doing presentations using a laptop and projector, there’s an option of what to display on each monitor. The laptop screen is called Monitor 1, and the projector is Monitor 2. The graphic in Control Panel is shown as 2 large screens with large white numbers on them. Click on Monitor 1 and it enlarges and comes into the foreground, whilst Monitor 2 gets smaller and further away. Click on Monitor 2 and it zooms up towards you, getting bigger, whilst Monitor 1 goes away. It can be like that with our attention. Something grabs our attention – a sound, a sight, a feeling, a thought – and we zoom in, putting it the foreground of our attention, making it bigger and more intrusive. Everything else moves away into the background. We can choose what we put in the foreground – more helpful thoughts, our breath, imagery, a sensation, what we see, what we hear – so that other more unhelpful thoughts or sensations go more misty into the background. Like a zoom lens as it focuses in on something particular, the rest of the picture goes out of focus, loses clarity. We can zoom in and out, shifting our focus of attention.
(Vivyan 2009)
The Plane Crash
Not so long ago, a plane landed seemingly miraculously on the River Hudson. All 155 people came out alive. What did those 155 people feel as they stood on dry land and realised what they’d been through? Would they all have had the same reaction? Absolutely not! Many would have felt very distressed and upset – they nearly died, and they might decide never to fly again as it’s clearly too dangerous. Others might been overwhelming relief and happiness at having survived. Some might decide to live life to the full as a result of their experience, and be determined to fly even more. There could be 155 different reactions. Same event, different responses. It’s not the event which causes our emotions, it’s the meaning we give them. Those who interpreted the event as terrifyingly dangerous may feel very distressed, and be too anxious to fly again. Others will feel ecstatic as the meaning they gave the event was that they were incredibly lucky to survive.
(Ayres 2009)
The Traffic Accident
When there's a traffic accident, police ask for witnesses to come forward and describe what happened. They like to have as many witness statements as possible so that they can build up enough evidence to give them a broader, more realistic version of events. In a traffic accident, there will be many different perspectives on what happened. The driver of one car will have one view, another driver or a passenger will have yet another view. Each onlooker who witnessed the accident will have a slightly different perspective, depending on where they were, how far they were, how good a view they had, what else was going on, how much danger they felt they were in, how the accident affected them, what the accident means to them.
It's the same principle with everything - each situation, event, conversation, means something different to all those involved, and also to those not involved.
(Vivyan 2009)
The Quicksand
Used by Stephen Hayes to introduce clients to Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT). When we’re stuck in quicksand, the immediate impulse is to struggle and fight to get out. But that’s exactly what you mustn’t do in quicksand – because as you put weight down on one part of your body (your foot), it goes deeper. So the more you struggle, the deeper you sink – and the more you struggle. Very much a no-win situation. With quicksand, there’s only one option for survival. Spread the weight of your body over a large surface area – lay down. It goes against all our instincts to lay down and really be with the quicksand, but that’s exactly what we have to do. So it is with distress. We struggle and fight against it, but we’ve perhaps never considered just letting it be, and being with the distressing thoughts and feelings, but if we did, we’d find that we get through it and survive – more effectively than if we’d fought and struggled.
(Hayes et al 1999)
The Poisoned Parrot
Imagine you're given a parrot. This parrot is just a parrot - it doesn't have any knowledge, wisdom or insight. It’s bird-brained after all. It recites things ‘parrot fashion’ – without any understanding or comprehension. It’s a parrot.
However, this particular parrot is a poisoned and poisonous parrot. It's been specifically trained to be unhelpful to you, continuously commenting on you and your life, in a way that constantly puts you down, criticising you. For example, the bus gets stuck in a traffic jam, and you arrive at work 5 minutes late. The parrot sits there saying: "There you go again. Late. You just can’t manage to get there on time can you. So stupid. If you’d left the house and got the earlier bus you’d have arrived with loads of time to spare and the boss would be happy. But you? No way. Just can’t do it. Useless. Waste of space. Absolutely pathetic!"
How long would you put up with this abuse before throwing a towel over the cage, or getting rid of the parrot? We can often put up with the thoughts from this internal bully for far too long.
We can learn to use the antidote: notice that ‘parrot’ – and cover the cage. "There's that parrot again - I don't have to listen to it", and go and do something else. Put your focus of attention elsewhere. Be persistent in your practice! Eventually this poisoned parrot will tire of the towel, tire of you not responding. You'll notice it less and less. It might just give up its poison as your antidote overcomes it, or perhaps fly off to wherever poisoned parrots go.
(Vivyan 2009 - adapted from 'The Malevolent Parrot" source unknown)
Tug of War with a Monster
Imagine you’re in a tug of war with some huge anxiety (depression etc) monster. You’ve got one end of the rope, and the monster has the other end. In between you, there’s a huge bottomless pit. You’re pulling backward as hard as you can, but the monster keeps on pulling you ever closer to the pit. What’s the best thing to do in that situation?
Pulling harder comes naturally, but the harder you pull, the harder the monster pulls. You’re stuck. What do you need to do?
Dropping the rope means the monster’s still there, but you’re no longer tied up in a struggle with it. Now you can do something more useful.
(Harris 2009)
Metaphors for the Mind (Act made simple, Harris 2009)
A master storyteller
The world’s greatest storyteller – it never stops! It’s never short of a story to tell, and it wants is for us to listen, whatever the story is. Like any great storyteller, it’ll say whatever it has to say to get our attention. Some stories are true: we can call these facts. Others are opinions, beliefs, ideas, attitudes, assumptions, judgements, predictions etc. Stories about how we see the world, what we want to do, what we think is right or wrong, fair or unfair, good or bad.
Just listen now, to the story your mind is telling you now.
Radio “doom and gloom”
Broadcasting a lot of gloom about the past, doom about the future, and dissatisfaction about the present.
A spoiled brat
Making all sorts of demands, and throwing tantrums if it doesn’t get its own way
A reason-giving machine
Churning out a never-ending list of reasons why you can’t or shouldn’t change
A word machine
Manufacturing a never-ending stream of words
A fascist dictator
Constantly ordering you about and telling you what you can and can’t do
A judgement factory
Spending all day long making judgements
Therapy metaphors use a story or illustration to see alternative ways of looking at something. Every culture and religion uses these types of stories, analogies, parables to improve understanding, make a point more memorable, and help us make positive changes.
The example metaphors here are to help us see thoughts – their nature and role - in a different light. Just that alone, seeing thoughts differently, helps to create a space, a distance, between us and our thoughts, which helps us to stand back a little, see things a bit more objectively, and make wiser and more helpful decisions about how to react effectively.
Passengers on the Bus
You can be in the driving seat, whilst all the passengers (thoughts) are being critical, abusive, intrusive, distracting, and shouting directions, or sometimes just plain nonsense. You can allow those passengers to shout and chatter noisily, whilst keeping your attention focused on the road ahead, heading towards your goal or value.
(Hayes et al 1999)
Playground Bully
Our minds are like school playgrounds that are surrounded by secure high fences – they keep children in, and others out. Any bullies in that playground mean that the other children can’t escape for long. This particular bully uses verbal abuse, shouting, teasing, and threats. They’re all fenced in together, and ideally, all the children have just got to learn to accept and learn to be with each other. So neither can we escape our thoughts, we can’t stop them, but perhaps we can learn to live with them by seeing them differently. Along comes bully, and takes on 3 potential ‘victims’ who all react differently.
Victim 1 – believes the bully, distressed, reacts automatically (bully carries on)
Victim 2 – challenges the bully “hey I’m not stupid, I got 8 out of 10 in my spelling test this morning, you only got 4” (bully eventually gives up)
Victim 3 – looks at the bully (acknowledges the thought), then walks away and goes off to play football with his mates (dismisses the thought, then changes their focus of attention.
(Based on Hannan & Tolin 2005)
The River
Sometimes it feels like we’re being carried away downstream, struggling to stay afloat amongst all the mud, filth and debris. That muck and debris are thoughts, sensations, events, feelings, and that river is our distress as we drift helplessly downstream. But we can stand on the riverbank, watching as those thoughts, events, sensations, feelings go by. You might watch individual items as they pass – perhaps a thought floating on a leaf, a sensation as a log, event as on old bicycle. We can stand and watch.
The Beach Ball
We try to stop thoughts, but that’s impossible. It’s like trying to constantly hold an enormous inflatable beach ball under the water, but it keeps popping up in front of our faces. We can allow the ball to float around us, just letting it be. So rather than stop the thoughts, we can stop fighting them, and let them be, without reacting to them.
(Vivyan 2009)
Thought train
We can sit on the train, watching the scenery (thoughts, images, sensations) go by, or stand on the platform watching the thought train pass by – we don’t have to jump on it.
The Tunnel
When we get anxious driving through a tunnel, the best option is to keep going rather than try to escape. This feeling will pass – there is an end to this tunnel.
The Mountain
Whatever the weather, or whatever happens on the surface of the mountain – the mountain stands firm, strong, grounded, permanent. We can be like that mountain, observing thoughts, feelings, sensations, knowing inner stillness.
The Mind Monsters (Bad Wolf, Good Wolf)
We can think of unhelpful or distressing thoughts as the Mind Monsters. (The Native American Cherokees use a similar example of a "Bad Wolf, Good Wolf"). Being a monster, we can’t do much to stop or fight them – that just seems futile sometimes. When we do fight, it can help for a while, but those monsters may well just keep coming back. Like all monsters though, these Mind Monsters need food. If we can deprive them of food, then they’ll eventually go off seeking sustenance elsewhere. These monsters (or 'Bad Wolf') feed off our reactions – our believing those monsters, reacting to them, being upset by them, and acting accordingly and often automatically and unthinkingly. We can maintain and make worse our situations just by those reactions. Those vicious cycles of our reactions mean that the monsters just keep coming. If we can stop ‘feeding’ the monsters – they’ll get weaker and weaker and eventually move away. Others will come, but again we can choose not to feed them – by changing the way we think and react, and by paying more attention to the 'Good Wolf' in us.
Bad Wolf, Good Wolf: http://www.rainbowbody.net/Ongwhehonwhe/cherokee.htm
Google Earth & The Helicopter View
Sometimes it’s useful to see the bigger picture. When something is distressing us, we’re so close to it, involved with it, part of it – it’s really hard to stand back from what’s happening. It’s a bit like Google Earth – we see the close up view but everything else is hidden from us. "We can't see the wood for the trees". We can zoom out our perspective, and see the bigger picture. Some might describe it as like having a helicopter view – as the helicopter takes off, getting higher and higher, it sees a bigger picture, and is less involved with the detail at ground level.
(diagram: Vivyan 2009)
Foreground & Background – Monitors & Zoom lenses
When doing presentations using a laptop and projector, there’s an option of what to display on each monitor. The laptop screen is called Monitor 1, and the projector is Monitor 2. The graphic in Control Panel is shown as 2 large screens with large white numbers on them. Click on Monitor 1 and it enlarges and comes into the foreground, whilst Monitor 2 gets smaller and further away. Click on Monitor 2 and it zooms up towards you, getting bigger, whilst Monitor 1 goes away. It can be like that with our attention. Something grabs our attention – a sound, a sight, a feeling, a thought – and we zoom in, putting it the foreground of our attention, making it bigger and more intrusive. Everything else moves away into the background. We can choose what we put in the foreground – more helpful thoughts, our breath, imagery, a sensation, what we see, what we hear – so that other more unhelpful thoughts or sensations go more misty into the background. Like a zoom lens as it focuses in on something particular, the rest of the picture goes out of focus, loses clarity. We can zoom in and out, shifting our focus of attention.
(Vivyan 2009)
The Plane Crash
Not so long ago, a plane landed seemingly miraculously on the River Hudson. All 155 people came out alive. What did those 155 people feel as they stood on dry land and realised what they’d been through? Would they all have had the same reaction? Absolutely not! Many would have felt very distressed and upset – they nearly died, and they might decide never to fly again as it’s clearly too dangerous. Others might been overwhelming relief and happiness at having survived. Some might decide to live life to the full as a result of their experience, and be determined to fly even more. There could be 155 different reactions. Same event, different responses. It’s not the event which causes our emotions, it’s the meaning we give them. Those who interpreted the event as terrifyingly dangerous may feel very distressed, and be too anxious to fly again. Others will feel ecstatic as the meaning they gave the event was that they were incredibly lucky to survive.
(Ayres 2009)
The Traffic Accident
When there's a traffic accident, police ask for witnesses to come forward and describe what happened. They like to have as many witness statements as possible so that they can build up enough evidence to give them a broader, more realistic version of events. In a traffic accident, there will be many different perspectives on what happened. The driver of one car will have one view, another driver or a passenger will have yet another view. Each onlooker who witnessed the accident will have a slightly different perspective, depending on where they were, how far they were, how good a view they had, what else was going on, how much danger they felt they were in, how the accident affected them, what the accident means to them.
It's the same principle with everything - each situation, event, conversation, means something different to all those involved, and also to those not involved.
(Vivyan 2009)
The Quicksand
Used by Stephen Hayes to introduce clients to Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT). When we’re stuck in quicksand, the immediate impulse is to struggle and fight to get out. But that’s exactly what you mustn’t do in quicksand – because as you put weight down on one part of your body (your foot), it goes deeper. So the more you struggle, the deeper you sink – and the more you struggle. Very much a no-win situation. With quicksand, there’s only one option for survival. Spread the weight of your body over a large surface area – lay down. It goes against all our instincts to lay down and really be with the quicksand, but that’s exactly what we have to do. So it is with distress. We struggle and fight against it, but we’ve perhaps never considered just letting it be, and being with the distressing thoughts and feelings, but if we did, we’d find that we get through it and survive – more effectively than if we’d fought and struggled.
(Hayes et al 1999)
The Poisoned Parrot
Imagine you're given a parrot. This parrot is just a parrot - it doesn't have any knowledge, wisdom or insight. It’s bird-brained after all. It recites things ‘parrot fashion’ – without any understanding or comprehension. It’s a parrot.
However, this particular parrot is a poisoned and poisonous parrot. It's been specifically trained to be unhelpful to you, continuously commenting on you and your life, in a way that constantly puts you down, criticising you. For example, the bus gets stuck in a traffic jam, and you arrive at work 5 minutes late. The parrot sits there saying: "There you go again. Late. You just can’t manage to get there on time can you. So stupid. If you’d left the house and got the earlier bus you’d have arrived with loads of time to spare and the boss would be happy. But you? No way. Just can’t do it. Useless. Waste of space. Absolutely pathetic!"
How long would you put up with this abuse before throwing a towel over the cage, or getting rid of the parrot? We can often put up with the thoughts from this internal bully for far too long.
We can learn to use the antidote: notice that ‘parrot’ – and cover the cage. "There's that parrot again - I don't have to listen to it", and go and do something else. Put your focus of attention elsewhere. Be persistent in your practice! Eventually this poisoned parrot will tire of the towel, tire of you not responding. You'll notice it less and less. It might just give up its poison as your antidote overcomes it, or perhaps fly off to wherever poisoned parrots go.
(Vivyan 2009 - adapted from 'The Malevolent Parrot" source unknown)
Tug of War with a Monster
Imagine you’re in a tug of war with some huge anxiety (depression etc) monster. You’ve got one end of the rope, and the monster has the other end. In between you, there’s a huge bottomless pit. You’re pulling backward as hard as you can, but the monster keeps on pulling you ever closer to the pit. What’s the best thing to do in that situation?
Pulling harder comes naturally, but the harder you pull, the harder the monster pulls. You’re stuck. What do you need to do?
Dropping the rope means the monster’s still there, but you’re no longer tied up in a struggle with it. Now you can do something more useful.
(Harris 2009)
Metaphors for the Mind (Act made simple, Harris 2009)
A master storyteller
The world’s greatest storyteller – it never stops! It’s never short of a story to tell, and it wants is for us to listen, whatever the story is. Like any great storyteller, it’ll say whatever it has to say to get our attention. Some stories are true: we can call these facts. Others are opinions, beliefs, ideas, attitudes, assumptions, judgements, predictions etc. Stories about how we see the world, what we want to do, what we think is right or wrong, fair or unfair, good or bad.
Just listen now, to the story your mind is telling you now.
Radio “doom and gloom”
Broadcasting a lot of gloom about the past, doom about the future, and dissatisfaction about the present.
A spoiled brat
Making all sorts of demands, and throwing tantrums if it doesn’t get its own way
A reason-giving machine
Churning out a never-ending list of reasons why you can’t or shouldn’t change
A word machine
Manufacturing a never-ending stream of words
A fascist dictator
Constantly ordering you about and telling you what you can and can’t do
A judgement factory
Spending all day long making judgements
Confusion regarding DBT and Trauma Recovery
DBT Is based a lot about living in the moment and to a big degree, I totally agree with it. We cannot change our past. We can only control what is happening in the present. We can only control our own actions and reactions to things that are happening in the moment.
Here is where I am confused or unsure of regarding DBT and what I believe. DBT can be very helpful for people who have experienced trauma and sometimes DBT is all a trauma survivor needs to use to be able to cope and eventually live a productive life worth living. My confusion is when someone such as myself has been through DBT and used DBT but still feels a void and a need to open the Pandora’s box that has been closed for so long and face the secrets inside themselves using the skills taught by DBT to cope with the uncomfortable feelings these secrets bring up while opening the box and letting them out and sharing them.
Yes DBT says we cannot do anything about the past but our past is what has shaped us to be who we are now and will shape our future unless we deal with it and change how we think about it. DBT Talks about Radical Acceptance which is still probably the hardest DBT skill I have tried to practice and cannot honestly say that I understand it to the extent I need to but I believe I have a better understanding of it than I did back in 1998 when I attended my first DBT Skills Training group when I was 19 years old.
I no longer attend DBT skills training groups but I still see a therapist who runs one and trained in DBT. And at time she has asked me about the skills as a reminder to her regarding what a skill or two is and how best to describe to someone to practice it since she only did the training back in 2007 after I had been seeing her for about a year already and had been in and out of DBT for almost 10 years back in Massachusetts and here in Virginia they were just starting to implement it into the central Virginia area not long before I came here. So I actually take pride in knowing that my knowledge of DBT is needed here even if I it is just here and there. I hope to someday to be able to start and run a peer led DBT group.
They just opened a Peer run recovery walk-in center close by through the local community mental health center but it is run by 2 peer specialist one of who are in one of my human services classes at the local community colleges and I have been building conversation and repertoire with her and hope to bring it up to her someday possibly in the fall.
Here is where I am confused or unsure of regarding DBT and what I believe. DBT can be very helpful for people who have experienced trauma and sometimes DBT is all a trauma survivor needs to use to be able to cope and eventually live a productive life worth living. My confusion is when someone such as myself has been through DBT and used DBT but still feels a void and a need to open the Pandora’s box that has been closed for so long and face the secrets inside themselves using the skills taught by DBT to cope with the uncomfortable feelings these secrets bring up while opening the box and letting them out and sharing them.
Yes DBT says we cannot do anything about the past but our past is what has shaped us to be who we are now and will shape our future unless we deal with it and change how we think about it. DBT Talks about Radical Acceptance which is still probably the hardest DBT skill I have tried to practice and cannot honestly say that I understand it to the extent I need to but I believe I have a better understanding of it than I did back in 1998 when I attended my first DBT Skills Training group when I was 19 years old.
I no longer attend DBT skills training groups but I still see a therapist who runs one and trained in DBT. And at time she has asked me about the skills as a reminder to her regarding what a skill or two is and how best to describe to someone to practice it since she only did the training back in 2007 after I had been seeing her for about a year already and had been in and out of DBT for almost 10 years back in Massachusetts and here in Virginia they were just starting to implement it into the central Virginia area not long before I came here. So I actually take pride in knowing that my knowledge of DBT is needed here even if I it is just here and there. I hope to someday to be able to start and run a peer led DBT group.
They just opened a Peer run recovery walk-in center close by through the local community mental health center but it is run by 2 peer specialist one of who are in one of my human services classes at the local community colleges and I have been building conversation and repertoire with her and hope to bring it up to her someday possibly in the fall.
I will be alone again
Seems everytime I allow someone into my life and I get close to them they leave. they disappear. I understand the reasoning for my friend moving but it has seemed since me moving in with her and becoming her roommate she has pretty much disappeared anyways, she has become distanced and has made me feel almost as if i did not exist. Now I feel as if I meant nothing to her. I am lost. I am losing the only friend I thought I had even if I lost her already by moving in with her I am truly losing her now. she is is moving away and leaving me here alone.
Forgiving and Forgetting???
Forgiving and Forgetting???
Posted on March 22, 2010 by fiamarie
This blog is only my personal struggle with forgiving and forgetting, it does not at all mean I think everyone has to forgive what has been done to them. It is a personal decision and I respect that…
Last night I had a conversation with a good friend. I was trying to convince him he needed to forgive his parents as I had done and in order to do this he must forget. He told me of horrible childhood traumas that made my arguments seem pathetic. If you read my blog on BPD and Abuse you may know that I too was abused emotionally, physically, verbally… However the “martyr” in me has decided that she has forgiven and forgotten. Mark, my friend said something to me that I was thinking of the whole day, “I have forgiven, but I cannot forget, because to me to forgive means to understand and if you forget how can you understand?” Can you actually forgive wrongdoings without forgetting? What does forgiveness mean? Do we really forget? I mean it’s not like we can erase human memory.
I came to a couple of conclusions. First, forgiveness to me meant understanding my mother as a human, who had faults, who was suffering as I have and who did NOT INTENTIONALLY mean to harm me. I tried to explain this to him and he agreed however we were stuck on the forgetting part. I cannot ever forget half my life can I? What I meant by forgetting is to let it go, set the person you are holding responsible free, break down the walls of anger that you have with them, they are destroying or have destroyed your relationship. Forgiving is telling them you do not blame them any longer, forgetting is never talking of it again, letting go of the hostility and hurt over the offenses, because in reality who is it hurting but you? The term I can forgive but never forget, is misleading, of course you can never not remember the acts that led you to a life of pain, but you can set them, the anger, the hurt, the pain, the reliving of the memories, the hostility, the “throwing it in their face” aside… The memories are the past, continuing to dwell on it can only control you, can only cause you the pain that you are feeling.
Mark understood his parents and their actions, but he talked of the abuse and I could hear the pain, even though it was through a computer, so no he has not set it free, and maybe neither have I, since I still do have pain.
So, then the question is not can we forgive and forget, it is can we forgive and stop reliving.. Everytime we hurt ourselves, put ourselves in harmful situations, drug ourselves, think of suicide, push people away, etc… we are reliving past hurts, escalating them, we are not “forgetting.” So how does one “forget?” I think that is a personal answer and I would like some feedback to how some people have done this.
I once went to a Shaman. She could tell immediately when I walked in the door, I was a wounded person. She handed me some kind of rock and told me to put it in a sock. She then said when I was ready to think of all the wrongdoings that I have endured, say them into the sock and then break the rock a little each night until it was in bits. Sound strange huh? Well, I did it. I broke that rock with a hammer every night in my backyard, but I still have some in tact. The rock of course is a symbol of the hatred in my heart, the pain that I have not forgotten, so while I may understand why my mother did what she did, how she suffered, I too am holding onto that rock. I have not declared my independence from the memories therefore I hold both me and my mother captive. I hope to one day soon destroy that whole rock and set us both free and I hope the same for Mark and for all of you
I found this to be very interesting as I always feel as if forgiving means I have to forget and so many times when people forgive someone they do not have to forget but most of the time they end up forgetting. this is why I feel I am not ready to forgive my abusers as I do not want to forget the little I do remember for fear if I forget what I do remember I will never remember all there is I need to know about what there is that I have lost of who I am and what happened to me to make me become who I Now am!
Posted on March 22, 2010 by fiamarie
This blog is only my personal struggle with forgiving and forgetting, it does not at all mean I think everyone has to forgive what has been done to them. It is a personal decision and I respect that…
Last night I had a conversation with a good friend. I was trying to convince him he needed to forgive his parents as I had done and in order to do this he must forget. He told me of horrible childhood traumas that made my arguments seem pathetic. If you read my blog on BPD and Abuse you may know that I too was abused emotionally, physically, verbally… However the “martyr” in me has decided that she has forgiven and forgotten. Mark, my friend said something to me that I was thinking of the whole day, “I have forgiven, but I cannot forget, because to me to forgive means to understand and if you forget how can you understand?” Can you actually forgive wrongdoings without forgetting? What does forgiveness mean? Do we really forget? I mean it’s not like we can erase human memory.
I came to a couple of conclusions. First, forgiveness to me meant understanding my mother as a human, who had faults, who was suffering as I have and who did NOT INTENTIONALLY mean to harm me. I tried to explain this to him and he agreed however we were stuck on the forgetting part. I cannot ever forget half my life can I? What I meant by forgetting is to let it go, set the person you are holding responsible free, break down the walls of anger that you have with them, they are destroying or have destroyed your relationship. Forgiving is telling them you do not blame them any longer, forgetting is never talking of it again, letting go of the hostility and hurt over the offenses, because in reality who is it hurting but you? The term I can forgive but never forget, is misleading, of course you can never not remember the acts that led you to a life of pain, but you can set them, the anger, the hurt, the pain, the reliving of the memories, the hostility, the “throwing it in their face” aside… The memories are the past, continuing to dwell on it can only control you, can only cause you the pain that you are feeling.
Mark understood his parents and their actions, but he talked of the abuse and I could hear the pain, even though it was through a computer, so no he has not set it free, and maybe neither have I, since I still do have pain.
So, then the question is not can we forgive and forget, it is can we forgive and stop reliving.. Everytime we hurt ourselves, put ourselves in harmful situations, drug ourselves, think of suicide, push people away, etc… we are reliving past hurts, escalating them, we are not “forgetting.” So how does one “forget?” I think that is a personal answer and I would like some feedback to how some people have done this.
I once went to a Shaman. She could tell immediately when I walked in the door, I was a wounded person. She handed me some kind of rock and told me to put it in a sock. She then said when I was ready to think of all the wrongdoings that I have endured, say them into the sock and then break the rock a little each night until it was in bits. Sound strange huh? Well, I did it. I broke that rock with a hammer every night in my backyard, but I still have some in tact. The rock of course is a symbol of the hatred in my heart, the pain that I have not forgotten, so while I may understand why my mother did what she did, how she suffered, I too am holding onto that rock. I have not declared my independence from the memories therefore I hold both me and my mother captive. I hope to one day soon destroy that whole rock and set us both free and I hope the same for Mark and for all of you
I found this to be very interesting as I always feel as if forgiving means I have to forget and so many times when people forgive someone they do not have to forget but most of the time they end up forgetting. this is why I feel I am not ready to forgive my abusers as I do not want to forget the little I do remember for fear if I forget what I do remember I will never remember all there is I need to know about what there is that I have lost of who I am and what happened to me to make me become who I Now am!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Letter To My Therapist Recently Regarding my need to work on my Trauma from My Childhood
I guess I should start off by saying that I realize it appears there is so much going on for me and a lot of chaos in my life with this living situation and custody issue with Corey, but I also want you to see I am functioning through it without falling too far down. Yes I get depressed and at times it still seems to me that suicide is an option but it has not been an action. So the reason I am saying all this is because I am beginning to feel unproductive in therapy. I am beginning to feel that I am wasting your time as we are not actively working on anything specific. Although things are not perfect and sometimes my thoughts are self destructive my actions have not been. So maybe it is time for us to work through some things. I am wanting to work on some real therapy goals not just these generic stabilizing goals. I am not sure what I am meaning to a point and maybe I am making not a whole lot of sense to you but I believe there is a point when this are going okay where it is time to delve into issues never really addressed. Not really sure how to go about this or how to face things but there are things within me that needs working on instead of my sessions constantly being about everyday life and “how things are going”. It is like groundhog day every week in therapy. Things will only change if I change them. But underneath the current changes needing done is the fear, the trust issues, the lack of assertiveness, the not believing I deserve better, the feelings of shame/guilt, the need for punishment, the feeling of self hatred, feeling I don’t deserve better, all these things is what is behind my everyday internal conflicts with current life issues and without delving into the core of those issues where they began and where they progressed I am not sure I am going to make much more progress. I am at a point in my treatment where I guess you can say it is a plateau and there seems to be no digression or progression that I can pinpoint recently. the core of my current life stress stem from core beliefs and the core beliefs stem from early childhood trauma that has never been worked through completely because on my inability to be stable long enough to really focus on those things. I am not sure of your background surrounding actual specializing in trauma recovery but believe I am at a point where my life is stable enough and my fear of me losing what I have is not burdening to a point I am heading into a hospital anytime soon. Yes I realize sometimes actually facing issues are much more difficult than wanting to or needing to and may be a concern for setting myself up to fall but I am ready and willing. I now have a reason to keep myself stable to a point where I cannot allow myself to need hospitalization so it is now that would be a time to work through some stuff and if it gets to much then stop but why not face things head on instead of constantly ending up back in the same life difficulties because of core issues. I am not sure this is something you can understand or if I am really making much sense but I guess I am just sick of repeating the same things in my life, in my relationships, and constantly feeling a void, unhappiness, unable to normalize, unable to be close to people, fear of judgment from others, and maybe I am complacent right now.
I think maybe we need more of a therapy agenda and I need some weekly homework to do throughout the week. Not just minor things but actual assignments that I can do we can use them as a starting point in our sessions the following week. I know there is a lot to be dealt with and it is a process but I also know that this stuff that we are doing therapy lately just discussing everyday relationship issues stems from issues from before I can remember. The will continue to occur until the core issues are addressed. We have been seeing each other long enough now that I have been able to feel the secure from you and trust you to a degree. I went through the trauma group and made some progress through that but not enough. I guess what I am saying is either there is no point in me coming just because of my fear or losing treatment if I am as stable as I am and not dealing with the things that need to be dealt with to possibly progress my life to a better point where it has never been before now. I have to deal with the shame, the guilt, the confusion, the mixed emotions that came from the abuse if I am going to get somewhere. I also still feel as if I need to deal with some grief, guilt/shame, secrets, and take blame where blame is due regarding my children’s abuse and neglect. None of this I was abused so it was not my fault I allowed my children to experience similar lifestyles while living in my household shit. Cause that stuff is no longer cutting it with me. Responsibility for my choices and the things I played a part in while raising my kids need to be addressed and worked through or I may never feel fully hopeful, happy, able to keep living. Sometimes the way you put things feels as if you want me to place blame where blame does not belong and for me to take no responsibility for what happened, how things happened, what the kids lives were like and so on so forth. That stuff was needed in the beginning when I was fragile. I am no longer fragile that I cannot face responsibility regarding where I went wrong and discuss it. I am tired of holding in all these secrets. I am not sure there is much more that can stay within my head before it breaks me. I want to be able to safely go through this stuff with someone I have grown to trust and someone I know is not going to hurt me. I do not want sympathy though. I more am looking for real therapy work. Yes I needed sympathy to a degree for such a long time but that is over. I need you to help me be who I want to be and work through what I need to get through to be that person I desire. But with that includes being more pushy, holding me accountable, being responsive and getting angry when I anger you. Yes I have seen frustration from you but you have taught me recently that I can live through someone being angry or frustrated with me or my behaviors and not have to fear being hurt because you are angry. This has been an enlightening and turning point recently I believe and has brought me to realize you are ok. You will not hurt me I guess. I think. Am I wrong? Your actions has taught me to feel safe with you. i know sometimes I still struggle with trusting you and thinking you will leave me as everyone else has but things have changed lately. Not sure it is good but it feels safe and okay.
I know you will probably give me one of your generic responses as it seems what I always get from you when I write. You will probably tell me you will see me Friday and we can discuss this then. But I am looking for more than just discussion. I want a plan. I want guidance. I want more from my life. I do not want when I clam up for you to allow it. I want to be pushed when pushing is needed. These are the things I believe will get me to where I need to be in my life down the road. I know I want a lot and this is asking a lot of you. I am not sure if it is even reasonable of me to say all this. But I guess this is the best I know how to express my new needs to you. I can do this. I may not be able to treat myself and get through it by myself but I believe my life has come to a path where more is needed for me to get to where I desire to be. Hope to hear from you.
I think maybe we need more of a therapy agenda and I need some weekly homework to do throughout the week. Not just minor things but actual assignments that I can do we can use them as a starting point in our sessions the following week. I know there is a lot to be dealt with and it is a process but I also know that this stuff that we are doing therapy lately just discussing everyday relationship issues stems from issues from before I can remember. The will continue to occur until the core issues are addressed. We have been seeing each other long enough now that I have been able to feel the secure from you and trust you to a degree. I went through the trauma group and made some progress through that but not enough. I guess what I am saying is either there is no point in me coming just because of my fear or losing treatment if I am as stable as I am and not dealing with the things that need to be dealt with to possibly progress my life to a better point where it has never been before now. I have to deal with the shame, the guilt, the confusion, the mixed emotions that came from the abuse if I am going to get somewhere. I also still feel as if I need to deal with some grief, guilt/shame, secrets, and take blame where blame is due regarding my children’s abuse and neglect. None of this I was abused so it was not my fault I allowed my children to experience similar lifestyles while living in my household shit. Cause that stuff is no longer cutting it with me. Responsibility for my choices and the things I played a part in while raising my kids need to be addressed and worked through or I may never feel fully hopeful, happy, able to keep living. Sometimes the way you put things feels as if you want me to place blame where blame does not belong and for me to take no responsibility for what happened, how things happened, what the kids lives were like and so on so forth. That stuff was needed in the beginning when I was fragile. I am no longer fragile that I cannot face responsibility regarding where I went wrong and discuss it. I am tired of holding in all these secrets. I am not sure there is much more that can stay within my head before it breaks me. I want to be able to safely go through this stuff with someone I have grown to trust and someone I know is not going to hurt me. I do not want sympathy though. I more am looking for real therapy work. Yes I needed sympathy to a degree for such a long time but that is over. I need you to help me be who I want to be and work through what I need to get through to be that person I desire. But with that includes being more pushy, holding me accountable, being responsive and getting angry when I anger you. Yes I have seen frustration from you but you have taught me recently that I can live through someone being angry or frustrated with me or my behaviors and not have to fear being hurt because you are angry. This has been an enlightening and turning point recently I believe and has brought me to realize you are ok. You will not hurt me I guess. I think. Am I wrong? Your actions has taught me to feel safe with you. i know sometimes I still struggle with trusting you and thinking you will leave me as everyone else has but things have changed lately. Not sure it is good but it feels safe and okay.
I know you will probably give me one of your generic responses as it seems what I always get from you when I write. You will probably tell me you will see me Friday and we can discuss this then. But I am looking for more than just discussion. I want a plan. I want guidance. I want more from my life. I do not want when I clam up for you to allow it. I want to be pushed when pushing is needed. These are the things I believe will get me to where I need to be in my life down the road. I know I want a lot and this is asking a lot of you. I am not sure if it is even reasonable of me to say all this. But I guess this is the best I know how to express my new needs to you. I can do this. I may not be able to treat myself and get through it by myself but I believe my life has come to a path where more is needed for me to get to where I desire to be. Hope to hear from you.
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