Free Self Help Tool. The Map..








For the majority of us moments of real happiness, at the best, are



short lived. To fall back to a state of not being unhappy is a normal,



stable, workable state of being that allows the moments of real



happiness to just happen.



If you find your normal state of being is unhappy then there is



something wrong in your life and though your unhappiness is caused



by an outside (outside of your control) influence, as I take you



through the meanings of each image you will find the path away from



unhappiness is totally under your control.



Technically, as you can see, the Map is not a map as you will know



maps to be, but with a little understanding of what the six



illustrations represent, a life journey can be planned.



Have you ever had a big life­ changing decision to make?



Did you think of, or write down, the pros and cons of the



consequences of your decision/action to give yourself something



tangible to help you make a decision?



The Map endeavours to take the idea of a pros and cons list much



further, to make tangible much more information.



Each picture depicts a place we can be mentally and emotionally in



our relationships with the world, different places for different



relationships, all at the same time.



With the Map, once understood, if we can be honest with ourselves as



to where we are in any particular troubling relationship we can then



see the steps to take to improve our situation .



There are a few rules to this type of map reading, the first, and most



important rule is that it is only for you !!



It is not possible to consider where someone else is on the Map to try



to help them.



Having said that it could be helpful for a relationship for another to



see where you feel you are in your relationship with them.



Our position in the world is defined by how we relate to everything



and everybody, how we relate to our friends, our environment, our



partner, our family, our government, our neighbours , our poverty,



our riches, our education, our boss, our workers etc. etc. Our



problems come from how all the above relates to us!



I trained as a nurse for people with learning disabilities in Liverpool



and it was during this training I gave a talk to a group of nurses and



tutors on the map, at the end of the talk I took questions and one



nurse, looking at the blackboard on which I had drawn the places of



the map, asked me “where does it start ?”



There is no start, and no end, life goes on regardless and the problems



life throws at us we rarely see coming, often we only know we have a



problem when we feel the effects of it and mostly the actual problem is



beyond our control.



With this in mind please bear with me when I say the start, new



beginnings, is at the end so we shall start at the end.



Loss, Emptiness, Broken Dreams &



New Beginnings







Emptiness describes this place, nothing but a multi platform staircase



for as far as the eye can see .



Pain and despair may have brought you here but now there is just



emptiness.



Life is precious, though the thought of starting again will be daunting



there is a way out.



Take the stairs.



Those stairs symbolise the concept of taking one small step at a time,



the platforms symbolise small goals you need to set yourself.



These goals will be different depending on your situation, the goals a



peasant women, after an earthquake, sitting on the rubble of what



used to be her home, mourning the death of her children will be very



different from the film star whose loved husband has just left her for



another woman. But either way both have to move on, slowly, step by



step.



For the peasant woman her first small step could be to make a shelter



so that she can get some sleep and enough strength to go and (take her



next step) find some clean water to keep her going until the next day



when she will need to take her next step and go find food.



The film star, though her loss is incomparable to that of the peasant



woman can feel just as empty. You cannot feel emptier than empty, and



though her steps will be very different they still have to be identified



and taken.



These two examples may seem a little extreme, maybe you just feel you



are here because life for you is just ‘OK’, you go through the motions



but its all routine, you don’t feel empty because of any loss, you just



feel empty because in your life maybe there is no feeling of purpose,



or satisfaction or creativity. Possibly downloading this Map was your



first step, taking the trouble to make a a nice poster of the Map to



remind you day to day about your life path could be the next step.



As with any place on the map there are many scenarios, only you know



how you got here and what your small steps could be, the important



thing is to identify those steps and, little by little, climb the stairs to the



next level.



Lessons will have been given but not necessarily learned here, new



beginnings are created but not necessarily carried through to the end



here, it is too early, the past is too raw .



Earlier I mentioned the map is all about you, it is now that you have to



provide for you, you are both the inner child and the outer parent,



here there is no one else to provide for you, others may be able to help



but you are the one that must get that help.



It may be cold and lifeless here like a lifeless ploughed field in the



winter but plant the seeds now and in a few months you will be in a



very different place.



Key concepts for this place,



loss



emptiness



step by step



small achievable goals



provide for yourself



understand there is a lesson to be learnt



new beginnings



Decisions, Freedom, Influence, The Future.







At the bottom right of this place is the last platform at which you will



have arrived at by taking those small steps upward, back into the



world.



This is probably the most important place on the map, it is here you



decide the structure of your future.



At this place you are free to decide for yourself, real freedom is a



strange thing, as soon as you use your freedom to decide a path



complete freedom is lost, when you commit to a future there are bills



to pay, work to be done, consequences to work through, responsibilities



to take on, all of which chip away at your freedom.



It is really worth spending a little time here bathing in your freedom



before you decide what to do next.



So what are your options?



We can take the path to the bridge and begin what looks like a very



long uncertain walk to what cannot be seen, or we can take the easier



route by going down to the jetty and getting in the boat to drift with



the current to where ever it takes us.



The Boat.



If you take another look at this place you will see the current, the



darker water, takes us through an opening to the next place we will be



discussing.



This darker water, the current, is the force of influence.



We are all affected by some form of influence, what we wear, the way



we speak, what our expectations are, our drinking habits , our beliefs.



Some influences are good for us some are most definitely bad for us.



The difference between the good and the bad influence is a good



influence shows us the path that will benefit us, the bad influence



shows us the path that will benefit the influencer.



The role of the influencer will be discussed in the next two places we



will visit and need to be read before one can fully understand this



place because the first four places to be discussed form a cycle you



may be in without realising it, this needs to be understood before you



can go forward.



There is the concept of going with the flow and there is the concept of



fighting against the flow and there is a ‘Map’ concept of taking the



bridge to walk over the flow altogether.



The bridge



The bridge, over a vast expanse of water, is your path to the future



that you have decided to construct for yourself.



This is a path into the complete unknown, or to put it another way, this



is the path away from everything you have known.



OK it is easy for me to sit here conceptualising , but what does it all



mean in the real world, ‘constructing the future’, ‘into the unknown’.



It gets worse!!



You have to believe in yourself and follow your heart, do only what



feels wholesome and maybe follow some influences that have been



good in your life.



You may be sitting at a real crossroad, a real bus station, a real



airport thinking you have just read these words but the concepts do



not exist in the real world .



I don’t blame you, I have also heard and read wishy washy concepts



that at the time blur rather than clear up the problem and yet what I



have just told you to do is 99% of parenting.



Millions of parents, every day go about constructing a future for their



children, and the only guidelines they have is what the love in their



hearts tells them and what feels wholesome and right.



To believe in yourself, to follow your heart and to only do what feels



wholesome are real concepts and with the help of the Map, the only



tools you need to get where you want to be.



You again have to be your own parent, both the inner child and the



outer parent.



Keeping with the parent child theme an example in real life of this



place would be the difference between good parenting and bad



parenting.



A good parent would lead their child to the bridge, away from bad



influences, a good parent, without knowing what the future holds for



their child has faith that they are equipping their child with all that he



or she will need to cross the bridge safely to the future.



Bad parenting would allow their child to drift in the boat from one



bad influence to another, possibly because neither parent or child



realise that a bridge to the future exists.



Earlier I spoke of the first four pictures or places where we can find



ourselves, form a cycle or a circle, though we haven’t yet described the



other two places I would like now to touch on what that circle is, the



reason being that it is this place where the circle can be broken.



As we will see further on, the two top pictures represent places where



you have value, that is, places where you value yourself and others



value you.



If you take the bridge you are valuing yourself, this may mean taking a



course, learning a trade, trying your luck in a new place, whatever it is



that you do it is something that feels wholesome for you, you are



developing your creativity for you despite what others may say, I add



despite what others may say because there always seems to be someone



who given the chance would exert their influence over you for their



benefit.



Not valuing yourself is very common, though you wouldn’t get to this



place and consciously say to yourself “I have no value” the fact that the



real creative you has never had a chance to emerge is likely to make



you feel you are not capable of crossing that long bridge so you decide



to take the boat and drift along straight back into the cycle or circle



taking you to the next place we shall discuss.



Key concepts for this place.



Decisions made by what feels wholesome



Construct your future



Freedom to be you



Influence and influencer



Valuing yourself



Not valuing yourself



Listening to what your heart tells you



Believe in yourself



Lies, Powerless, Drifting.







Here is the source of the current of influence, the rock to the left, to



the bottom right is a break in the border, the entrance through which



the current will bring you if you took the decision to get in the boat.



The current takes you off into a misty swamp, a marshland where the



mist hides the truth and the many winding channels hide the real



direction you are going .



To the middle of the picture there is another break in the border, this



is the entrance to the last picture in this cycle or circle.



If you live on a desert island, completely self sufficient, only then you



will not find yourself here.



This is the place people in power, represented by the rock, manipulate



the rest of us to live to a constraint that will keep them in power.



I am not just describing dictators, terrorists, bullies and wife beaters



they are obvious power hungry influencers.



The sayings, “kept in the dark” or “taken for a ride” describe this



place.



To be taken for a ride requires an influencer and an ‘influenced’



In real life this can be something mildly annoying like trying to get



your money back for faulty goods or services from a faceless



impenetrable bureaucracy, ranging through to life destroying incidents



like debtors hounded to the point of suicide.



In this place it not just that an act or situation is being imposed on you



it is you allowing it to be imposed by sitting in the boat going with the



flow that is controlled by your influencer, you know something is



wrong but you cant quite put your finger on what that is, this is



because with all the twists and turns of the channels in the swamp you



end up with no idea where you are, or where you stand, and if you



look for the truth all you find is a thick mist that hides it.



In the previous place I spoke of following your heart and only doing



what feels wholesome, how many times have you thought “I knew



there was something not right about that” but didn’t take any action?



Well that is what believing in yourself is all about, believing in those



feelings.



The usefulness of this picture, of seeing this place , is that instead of



going down the downward spiral in the next place, the last place of this



cycle, after the second or third unanswered call, the second or third



excuse, the first couple of attempts at manipulating you, the reaction



that makes you think your not valued or just the feeling that



something is wrong, then look at the this place and ask yourself are



you drifting through a misty marshland of lies, do they have all the



power in this situation?



If they do then it is time to get out of that boat, step into the sticky



mud and sum up all your strength to walk, step by step, back to the



bridge, away from the influencer.



In real life it will mean you saying to yourself “ I have had enough of



the truth being hidden, of not being valued, of not treading my own



path, of going with your flow, your direction, for your benefit”



As in real life, it is not that simple, do you know the difference between



wishful thinking and your heart’s intuition and are you just being



paranoid and fearful that the ‘they’ have all the power?



With an understanding of this place in some situations its so obvious



that you are in the marshlands, in other situations it is all far more



subtle .



The truth is that we have all been in this misty marshland of lies as the



victim, the influenced, and also we have all at some time been the



influencer!



The way to tell if you are being paranoid or just wishfully thinking



somehow everything will turn out for the best is to honestly ask



yourself are you , or do you aim to be, the influencer?



In the previous place I spoke of constructing your future, is the



influencer not constructing their future, of course they are, so what is



the difference?



The difference lies in the intention. To return to the parent child



analogy, every parent is capable of being an influencer, the parent



holds the power in a parent child relationship.



As an example a child comes home from school exhausted, the parent



notices the child’s tiredness and sends them to bed early, this is a



parent on the bridge leading their child to the future, the parent’s



intention is wholesome. On the other hand a parent sending their



child to bed early because the parent wants to have some grown up



time is being the influencer. (child “but why?” parent “because I say



so!”) the intention is one of benefiting the influencer.



Another example can be found in politics, many go into politics to be



influencers with the intent to use the marshland of lies to gain wealth



and exert power, but on the bridge a few honest souls in politics have



the intent to make sure that bridge to the future is well maintained for



us.



In life we all have to get stuck in, earn a living , bring up children and



every day we interact and relate with others, make choices about who



to trust and invest in that trust. A good term of reference when we are



deciding who to trust is to step back and ask ourselves are they



showing us our way on the bridge to our future for our benefit or are



they pulling us along through the marshland for their benefit?



Is your doctor a healer or a businessman/woman? Is your boss a



provider/facilitator or an influencer, does a significant other care or



do they manipulate, the difference will always be their intention.



It is hard sometimes not to be the influencer, was my website designed



to influence you into buying this PDF? Do you now feel like I am



pulling you through the marshland of lies?



Well I will tell you that what you have paid for is a lifetime of my life



experience and over ten years thought and my intention is that we can



all have a better life in this exchange.



The website and this PDF were both designed with the intention to not



be an influencer and yet promote, sell and deliver a concept.



Or am I lying??



Sorry I don’t want to confuse you, taking you one direction and then



another but I wanted to make the point that truth is what you feel it to



be not just what others tell you, what feels wholesome is your guide, it



is your guide to the truth and your guide to your path. And, if you can



believe me, this whole project feels wholesome for me.



So are you being over sensitive or paranoid? Well first I can tell you



the difference between wishful thinking and intuition, intuition more



often than not tells you what the bad things are, where as wishful



thinking only tells you what you want to hear, also intuition is felt in



the body, wishful thinking is just made up thoughts in the head, fun



but meaningless.



Now have you just read all this and think you are being paranoid



about people having power over you? Well forget what you think, take



more notice of what you feel and if you feel you are in this place then



you probably are, whether you are paranoid or not you will be right,



you will always be right, whether you are right or wrong you will



always be right, because if you were wrong it was right for you to be



wrong because you had a lesson to learn.



You are not alone, we all have lessons to learn.



Key concepts for this place.



being influenced



having no direction



not being valued



being conned



lies



giving up your power



a test for your intuition



lessons



Downward Spiral, Pain, The End.







This is the place where wishful thinking has been smashed.



Where the awful truth that the lies were hiding has been uncovered.



Or the realisation of loss.



From any part of the map we can find ourselves at the bottom of the



spiral staircase in a second, it could be a phone call, an act of nature,



an accident or an act of malice. One moment everything is or appears



to be (depending on where you are on the map) fine, the next moment,



that piece of truth, that earthquake, that landslide, that road accident



and you are here.



So there are two ways to this place, the instant calamity or the slow



progress through the marshland to the edge and then metaphorically



pushed down the steps by your influencer.



As there is not a lot we can do about the instant calamity let us take a



look at the area we can do something about and that is the influencer.



Here there is the base of the rock , the power, the influencer, and next



to it is a slimy dripping spiral staircase, in fact it is a one way staircase



going down!



The influencer is very powerful, very solid and immovable but it has



one vulnerability, the moment you touch it the influencer’s power



dissolves so it will fight to the end to prevent you touching it.



The closer you get to the influencer the closer you will get to being



thrown away down the stairs.



There are some rare exceptions, some tenacious souls have found a



way through the marshlands above and instead of arriving here have



managed to touch and destroy the influencer.



The 1970s era Pulitzer prize journalists Woodward and Bernstein are



a good example of the exception. Their fight to discover the truth led



to the forced resignation of the then USA President Nixon. For more



information ‘google’ Watergate or/and Woodward and Bernstein



But for most of us we neither have the strength or the resources to



‘touch’ our influencers. It would have been better to have turned your



back on the influencer in the marshland but for what ever reason you



believed your influencer, blindly ran towards the influencer with open



arms but just before you were able to embrace your influencer you



found yourself at the bottom of the spiral staircase.



An example of arriving here would be the first an unsuspecting spouse



finds out there is something wrong with their marriage is that



moment of horror and disbelief when out of the blue they receive the



divorce papers!



Jimi Hendrix’s ‘Castles Made of Sand’ tells of a girl about to commit



suicide­



‘There was a young girl, who’s heart was a frown



Cause she was crippled for life,



And she couldn’t speak a sound



And she wished and prayed she could stop living,



So she decided to die



She drew her wheelchair to the edge of the shore



And to her legs she smiled you wont hurt me no more



But then a sight she’d never seen made her jump and say



Look a golden winged ship is passing my way



And it really didn’t have to stop, it just kept on going…



And so castles made of sand slips into the sea, eventually’



We don’t know if the ‘golden winged ship’ cured her or if it was



symbolic of her being taken to heaven.



For a discussion on the meaning of these lyrics see ­



http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?id=5478



I believe that the castle she had built out of sand was the plan to



commit suicide, I believe Hendrix meant when he said



‘But then a sight she’d never seen made her jump and say



Look a golden winged ship is passing my way’



was that in her moment of despair she saw something beautiful.



I don’t believe she was cured physically, golden winged ships don’t



exist, I do believe Hendrix meant emotionally, in a moment, the



cripple girl saw the beauty of life, saw, despite her disabilities that



there was value in her being and symbolically the sight she saw



washed the despair away from her heart.



The golden winged ship didn’t stop and neither did her disability, all



that changed was a shift in her outlook on life.



I mention the cripple girl to try to to paint a picture of the despair that



one can feel here, this is the place that people consider suicide as an



option to escape this place, people who have committed suicide have



felt this is the only option here but they were wrong.



A couple of times I have spoken of both being the parent and the child



and parenting the child within you, conversely here it is possible to be



both the influenced and your influencer. If you are telling yourself



suicide is the way out of this place then you are trying to influence



yourself, pulling yourself through a marshland of lies, hiding the real



truth in a mist of emotional despair.



Here is the end of the four picture cycle, NOT the end of your life.



Below is the url for listings of helplines and centres throughout the



world helping those considering suicide or suffering with depression



http://www.befrienders.org/support/helplines.asp



From here as the initial shock turns to numbness you arrive at the



bottom of the metal stairs where we started, the place of loss and



emptiness, the place of broken dreams but most importantly the place



of New Beginnings .



And so we complete the lower cycle or circle that you may be in for the



first time or may be back in again and again.



Life in this cycle is hard and sometimes painful but there are two other



places to be in on this map away from this vicious circle of pain, loss,



having no direction or value, lets return to the bridge to the future



and decide to never get in that boat again, and walk our own path on



the bridge to the future, to the next place on the Map.



Key concepts for this place.



Shock realisation of loss and finality



getting too close to the influencer



thoughts of suicide



the end of something for you



the end of the cycle



Letting Go, Forgiveness, Closure







After a hard long walk, along the bridge to the future you will arrive



at this place.



As I said before in real life you may have been trying your luck in a



different area, doing a course, learning a skill or trade or maybe you



remained living in the same place, staying at the same job, keeping the



same social circle but importantly made small wholesome changes to



your life, your changes for you.



There is a misconception about ‘living life to the full’, when I hear that



phrase it is usually describing someone with lots of money who is



spending it unsustainably on short term pleasure.



To really live life to the full you have to create. You have to invest in



your creativity to live life to the full sustainably. Developing our



creativity is how we develop our personal growth and how we can



value ourselves and how others can value us.



It doesn’t matter what you do all that matters is that you do



something, something that feels wholesome. Wholesome doesn’t mean



it has to be safe and boring, it just means that it metaphorically tastes



good and is nourishing, or to use another phrase, it doesn’t leave a bad



taste in your mouth! You don’t even have to be good at what you do



you just have to do it and enjoy it.



To have reached this point you will have been developing your



creativity and will value yourself but to carry on your path to the



future in sight you will benefit by a short stop at this place.



You have come a long way, now you can see the end of the bridge, just



past the bridge is a path that goes through a valley between the fertile



hills ahead, a path to walk to turn a good future into a good present.



But before the end of the bridge we can see an island with a faint path



going down to the water,’s edge, you need to walk that path before



getting to your future.



If you used the Map to get here, most probably you will still be



carrying some of the darker past with you, short of being given a



lobotomy there is no way to delete the past from your memory, even if



we could we would also delete those hard learned lessons which we



certainly do not want to do.



From here on your life, or your input into your life, should be balanced



and informed, we have to discard any influence from the past that will



confuse or put you off balance.



So what exactly are we going to do?



To help define something vague it helps to look at what its opposite is,



the opposite to this place is getting revenge! A past incident has so



taken over your thoughts and emotions that you want someone to pay



and you will do anything to make them pay, your mission in life is to



make them pay, there was an incident, you were the influenced they



were the influencer and now you want revenge by turning the tables, if



not in reality, certainly in your mind, day in day out you scheme. But



take a look at the map, do you really want to become the influencer?



Forever stuck solidly in the ground in a place of pain and suffering,



looking out over a swamp?



We don’t want to remove the memories, we don’t want to remove the



lessons learnt but we do want to remove the angst that the memories



produce



Closure, letting go, and forgiveness are all about closing the book of



the past releasing the angst, lightening the load so life can move on, but



how is it done?



When doing research for the Map the image for letting go most used



on the internet was a pretty girl with her arms outstretched and a dove



or butterfly flying away, for forgiveness there was mostly religious



themes and for closure there didn’t seem to be anything helpful.



Everything here in the map is from my experience of travelling with



the map, I have experienced religious forgiveness which worked great



but didn’t last because I lost faith in the religion, having said that if



you are of a religion that embraces forgiveness I thoroughly



recommend you discuss it with them.



I am not sure there is a difference between closure and letting go, but



for me the image for closure and letting go would be dancing at a



rave!!



I didn’t add a ‘raving’ image because it was too specific to me but



that is how I achieved letting go and closure. I danced out my angst.



I would let the thoughts come and go, let the feelings flow over me, let



the rhythm move my body.



As I danced through the night, in my mind, my past was replayed,



sadness, happiness, regrets, pain, guilt, lost love, hate evaporating in



the heat and sweat and sound.



Dancing through the night, dancing out of my own darkness into the



light of a new dawn.



I give this example to show that the concepts of forgiveness, closure



and letting go are very real things and are not just intangible mumbo



jumbo.



I mentioned earlier I didn’t think there was a difference between



letting go and closure but I do believe there is a difference between



forgiveness and the other two, for example the parents of a child gone



missing, for them closure and letting go may mean the abandonment



of the child, something they could never think of doing, but forgiveness



is something they could consider to help them move on with their lives



while at the same time not abandoning hope for the return their



missing child.



At times the map has surprised me with its truth, when I was writing



the description of the previous place I realised that this place is the



place of a controversial practise, legal in some countries, and a



practise I have no views on worth writing but this place is also the



place of assisted suicide.



The dying patient of sound mind and balanced emotion who wants to



take control of their inevitable death, to save themselves maybe a



month or two of intense pain, tie up any loose ends and say goodbye to



their families, and importantly to facilitate forgiveness, letting go and



closure for their informed family.



As in all places within the map, your particular circumstances will



dictate your particular actions that need to be taken, you will have to



find your own way down the path to the water’s edge to forgive , to let



go and get closure.



Key concepts for this place.



Keeping the memory, removing the angst



Letting go



forgiveness



closure



Seeing the beauty in Life







This is the place to be, if you have arrived here then you have arrived



at your future . Its not an exotic holiday destination, no money in the



world can buy this place, neither is it an unattainable dream world,



this place is in your back yard, in a smile in a kind word.



This is not really a place as the others are its more a level of personal



development .



To get here takes hard work, I cannot tell you what your future holds



for you but its all there behind those green hills, at the end of the



bridge along that path through the valley, this place is the other side of



the green hills, think of it as weekend away from day to day living that



takes place behind those hills, there you are sat under the tree



watching the sunrise.



This place in reality may be the exact same place you were living when



you were in the misty marsh or climbing your way step by step out of



your emptiness, the difference is now you can see beauty in the life



around you.



If you can feel the beauty , and I don’t mean to intellectually see



something could be seen as beautiful, I mean actually feel it, to be



actually touched by its beauty, then you have learned how not to be



unhappy.



And if you have learned how to not be unhappy, you live in the potential



to be happy at every opportunity life can give you.



Key concept for this place.



To have the ability to see and feel the beauty in life.



How to Use the Map as a Map.



As an example as to how to use the map I thought it would be



interesting to type into my search engine ‘the most asked question



ever’ and use whatever came up here, the first question that seemed



mildly usable was ‘what is the meaning of life?’



Hmmm I thought, if the map can tell us that then maybe I should up



the price a few euros!!



So I put some music on and sat looking at the map asking it to tell me



what the meaning of life is.



The map is about all the places in life we can find ourselves, the dark



places as well as the light places with all the shades of grey between, as



I looked at the map it became obvious that the meaning of life is that



you and me actually have one, a life that is.



In fact its the wrong question, the real question is does life have



meaning? For me looking at the map now, in some places on the map



one could really be forgiven for thinking ‘my life has no meaning’ but



those places are transitional, even if in real life you can see no way out



from those places the map shows there is a path away that finally leads



to the top left hand place, sitting under the tree marvelling at the



beauty of the sunrise. I guess another way to put it is that the meaning



of life is living life through the ups and the downs until you get to the



point where you can see the beauty in life, at which point the meaning



of life is irrelevant, just a silly question you have no need of asking.



This isn’t the best example of how the map was designed to be used but



it is what life gave me to work with as opposed to me picking a subject



that I may be biased towards. So how did the map tell me the answer I



have given? Very simply, within the question ‘what is the meaning of



life?’ my mind immediately jumped to the thought that it would only



be the influencer, possibly a harsh dictator who would act as if life had



no meaning (everyone else’s life that is). As we know the influencer is



only out to get what it can from us to sustain it and never tells the



truth, therefore the real truth must be in ‘normal life’, life itself has



value and meaning.



Coming to the conclusion life does have meaning how did the map



define that meaning?



The whole map is about carrying on living through life’s adversities to



achieve the potential of happiness from which I deduced the meaning



of life is simply just to live.



Then I pictured myself seeing and feeling the beauty of life and it just



seemed that having achieved that joy the question itself would be



completely irrelevant.



As I said the above is not the best of examples so, though of course



biased towards the workings of the map, here is another example



which shows the strengths and the weakness of the Map.



Whether you are single, a parent, an adult or a child the next example



will be easy to understand.



Your child comes home from school, clothes torn, in tears and runs



straight to his or her room and locks the bedroom door. You stand



outside calling them until eventually they let you in, you eventually



find out they have been suffering for weeks at school being bullied



which has ended up with them being roughed up.



Probably your first reaction is one of anger, so if we take a look at the



place for anger on the map what do we see? Ooops there is no place for



anger on the map!!



Metaphorically and in reality there is no place for anger on the Map.



That is not to say you will not be angry in any of the places on the



map, what has to be understood is that to use the map one needs some



degree of rationality, and anger is not the best place to make the



rational decisions you need to make.



So a couple of hours later the shock has gone and you realise



something has to be done so you look at the map to see where your



child could be on the map to help them deal with this problem. Ooops



cant be done, the first rule of this type of map reading is it is only for



you.



This highlights a problem in the way we live and a weakness in the



Map. I do not believe children would have any problem understanding



and using the Map, their problem is that they are more or less



completely powerless to change anything.



It would empower a child if the parent or significant other sat down



with the child and the map and really listened to the child when they



pointed out where they felt they were on the map and why . In this case



the parent or significant other would act as a facilitator to empower



the child’s decision making.



For any children or young adults reading this who feel in need for



some outside help at the bottom of this link is in alphabetical order



worldwide child lines, for example just click ‘U’ to take you to a



selection of UK child line help centres.



http://www.childhelplineinternational.org/en/network/members



So to return to our example, to sum up, you know the map is only



about you, you know the situation is effecting you and your family and



you know you have to do something to sort out the situation.



You look at the Map and it dose not take long to realise the pain you



feel is being inflicted by the bully, the influencer. You may feel you are



in the marshland or you may feel you are about to be pushed down the



downward spiral stairs or maybe you feel you are at the bottom of the



stairs either way it becomes obvious that it is the influencer who has



taken control.



Now in reality what we have here is a mass of complicated inter



relationships going on, there is the bully, why do they bully? Why did



they pick on your child? Will action make it worse? Will the



authorities help? Will the authorities themselves try to take you



through the marshlands? Does the bully need a stronger force to



control them as in punishing, if so what would that be?



If you think like this then your brain will probably explode and you



will be no use to anyone!!!!



Look at the map, for this example’s sake we will say you feel you are



just about to be pushed down the downward spiral.



When you hand your child to the school they have the responsibility to



take reasonable care of your child, you have to trust this is the case.



I’m afraid if the authorities knew how to deal with bullying there



wouldn’t be any bullying, as we know this is not the case.



So you look at the map, the influencer has all the power and you are



about to be pushed down the downward spiral, what do you do?



You have two choices, touch the influencer to destroy them, remember



the influencer is stuck in the worse place on the map looking out over a



swamp, maybe it would be possible to touch them (the opposite to



punishing), to touch their heart to destroy the influencer inside of the



them. The second choice is to get out of the boat and into the sticky



mud and with great effort step by step carry your child back to the



bridge.



The boat represents the trust you put in the school authorities who



have let you down. Carrying your child back to the bridge would be



representative of putting your child in a better run school.



I am not suggesting you need the map to have made the decision to



change schools. I am not suggesting you invite the bully round for tea,



I am not suggesting changing schools would be easy or in fact even be



the answer.



The real answer could only be found if it was a real situation you were



really in, only you would know the full facts and how you felt, and of



how it effected you.



What I am trying to show is that the map would have an answer to



your problem.



Your problem solved would solve your child’s problem.



This example raises a question, am I suggesting running away is



always the answer? You may be asking are there not times one has to



just stay, stand up for ourselves, show a bit of back bone, show a bit of



strength, stop feeling sorry for ourselves and just get on with it?



Of course I am not saying running away is always the answer, but I am



saying its better to run towards a better future than it is to be stuck in



an unfulfilled past.



Admittedly standing up to the influencer from the beginning may have



solved a future problem but the Map is for all those times in your life



you just don’t have the necessary resources to do that.



Reading the map is simple, intuitive, bring your question to the map



honestly, locate your present place in whatever the problem you have,



once you know where you are then you can plan your way forward,



knowing where you are is the second rule of this type of map reading



(the first being it is only for you, it is not possible to read the map for



someone else)



Honestly locating where you are is the key to success with the map,



and is the most difficult part of reading the map, if the truth is you



have got where you are through something you are not proud of it will



not help you to hide this from yourself, for example possibly you tried



but failed to exert your control over others which has left you feeling



no one likes you when in fact it is just that the others really don’t want



to be controlled.



Sometimes your problem will be because you were the influencer,



sometimes it will be guilt telling you that you were the influencer when



the real truth is you had no choice.



If you are honest with yourself (which is why you cannot read the map



for some one else) the map will help you make the next move.



After reading this you will have a ‘flavour’ of each place just relax and



look at the map, sometimes an answer will be automatic, other times



you may want a week or so to think about your situation on the map,



let your mind and heart ‘jam’ (as in jazz) with the map and see where



it takes you, you can’t really go wrong.



Good Luck



I wish you a wonderfully wholesome future.



Steve Dove





The Map by Steve Dove is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

30 Day Blog Challenge

1. Introduce yourself
2. a recent picture of yourself and 15 facts about you
3. a picture of you and your friends
4. a habit that you wish you didn’t have
5. a picture of somewhere you’ve been to
6. favorite super hero and why
7. a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
8. short term goals for this month and why
9. something you’re proud of in the past few days
10.songs you listen to when you’re happy, sad, bored, excited, mad
11. put your iPod on shuffle & list the first 10 songs that come up
12. nicknames you have and why
13. a picture of you last year and now; how you’ve changed since then
14. a pic of u and ur family
15. a song that makes you cry
16. an art piece
17. a talent of yours
18. a hobby of yours
19. a youtube video
20. whatever tickles your fancy
21. your day in great detail
22. a picture of something that make you happy
23. your fears
24. your best friend
25. your beliefs
26. whats in your bag
27. your first kiss
28. something you regret
29. something you miss
30. your dreams

march 30 2006

poetry my ex husband wrote

missing my shining light
as the darkness covers us as the moonlight peaks thru the darkness i close my eyes and see my shining lights my children
they are to my the flame of my heart as a flame is to a candle and at this moment in time my heart burns like a seven
day candle brighter and stronger as my childern are away from me.sometimes my mind drifts away at the thought my children
and how they lifted the clouds from my gloomy days .each of them daniel my twin in looks autumn my little movie partner
who can sing shine your light on me ,dakaota my little partner in crime and my baby winter rose who i miss so much!my
children are to me like fenway park is to the redsox they and i go hand and hand.each and every week they are the sliver
lining in our gloomy days !they may be gone at the moment but they will never always be gone and will remain with me
and my love for them shines brighter and stronger each day we are away from each other.thru out my days i hear and see
things that remind me of them when i see a redsox logo i think of jason varitek and how he is dans buddy!when i see
a fire truck i think of autumn and how are favorite movie together is ladder 49!when i see elmo i think of kota my
little man!when i cook ribs i think of my little girl eating them as she does with a cute bbq smile!as for my wife and
i we carry on in our tough time knowing our shining lights shine bright and long like a shooting star that only we can feel and see.
as for myself my children give my strength and courage just when i think darkness is settling in!the very thought of my
babies gives me the serenity to handle what comes and goes on a daily basis !so my dear children sleep sweet dreams as i
drift asleep thinking of you my shining lights!you are my light and and always be !and i promise you will be home as soon as
we can get you home!till then i will watch the midnight sky for my daimond light in the sky.
****************************************************************************************************************************
daniel
hello my son i miss you so very much !everyday i think of my son!yes you my little boy who looks just like his dad!
someday you and i will laugh and talk and you will ask me lots of things 1as i watch you grow you amaze me with your
candor and resemblence to me in so many ways!you are and always be my carbon copy blue eyes and blond hair!you are
so many things smart strong handsome and all the things that a dad like me would want when they think of a son like
you!and as you grow i wish so many things for you .i hope you keep your silly laugh like elmer fudd and you sense
of compassion when your mother is upset and you sense of loyality to your sisters and little brother.someday when
you are older we will laugh about youre younger days and how daddys memories of you are funny just like the day they
happened .you are so many things to me can seem to come up with all them right know !someday you will come to me
and say dad what should i do and i can only say i will try to give you the best advice i know and way the pro's
and cons of life you see.but thru it all i hope you remember one thing that you will see with your eyes and heart
as you get older and see the world and your life in your own eyes!someday i will be an old man and you will be where
i am as i write this to you.but always remember i love you and will always will and be there for you anytime any place
just as the song i heard shortly after holding you waiting will my arms wide open!
****************************************************************************************************************************
autumn
where does a father begin to describe a daughter like my "jelly belly".you are beautful and smart silly and full
of life.you are the wind that keeps my sails going.you are youre mothers twin and when you smile i see you in
your mothers face.you are my little drama queen who will be the star of the show when she puts her mind to achieve
something that you set out to do!you will always be one of daddys little girls !when god above gave me you two
girls he gave me the best gift a man could have two little girls to spoil and love.you are like youre name mysterious
and beautful as autumn sun rise and as precious as a twight sky filled with pinks and reds and breath taking for the
world to see!you are a daimond in the rough you see and will be a remarable lady for the world to see!but remember
when you get older that i will always be here for you no matter what and that i will always here you sing shine your
light on me!and every time we see a fire engine or firefighter you always look and say daddy there goes the fire man
daddy that's my buddy!and sometimes i hope you will be the best at what you do i know you will chase youre dream till
you catch your dream and fullfill it!till then jelly you just do one thing for me go on being daddys jell bell with
your smile and amazing blue eyes and silly smile for the whole world to see!
*****************************************************************************************************************************
kota
like the infamous "rubber duck "you came to us like a convoy on the rails steaming for the line is how you
came to your mother and i .you are quite a little man smart kind always smiling and happy !i think of you
alot like the times you and i shared the couch and you layed in the crease of my arm and the thought of you
running to me with your hands out daddy!and playing with you as you drive the little white jeep.and how
you laugh as i tickle your belly !or when i carry you in my arms and you talk to me and laugh!i smile
when i think of seeing you on your tricycle and seeing you running and laughing while daddy chases you!
and when daddy gets sad i see the picture of you and i my big daddy kota!or seeing you in the tub laughing as
i watch you play and never wanting to get out!or seeing you say daddy cup when you get ready to fall asleep
in my arms as i rock you away to your sweet dreams!or blowing kisses to you my little man who loves to sit
with daddy and say hot daddy as i blow on your hand .or the thought of tickiling you with my beard and hearing
you laugh or hearing you say want some as i eat!i seem to be getting sad thinking of your little hands waking
me up and saying daddy!you will always be my main man kota!
*****************************************************************************************************************************
winter
as the moon glows from the midnight sky my thoughts of you sleeping are not to far away from my heart and my mind
you see!you are my baby and i wish so many things for you as you grow and become older.you mean so many things to
me!you are my angel a gift from god who gives me hope and strength and courage!you are like youre name beautful
as winters first snow fall and as precious as the springs first rose vibrant and full of life and like a eagle
in flight for the world to see.someday you will look at me and say daddy look at me and when the moment comes
for you to spread your wings and fly i will shaed a tear knowing it will be happy tears seeing you suceed in
what ever you do!you are a very special little girl daddys gift from god!i will be sitting with you and remind
you how you climbed on the couch one night as an infant and grabbed my face saying da!but when you get older
and acomplish what you set out to do be the very best you can be and remember you will always be daddys little
girl and live life head on with no fears and with the strength and courage you showed me when you were a little
girl!but most of all never forget your mother and i will always love you where ever you go or what ever you dream
to be the sky is the limit and nothing but the very best will do for my little rose as she grows into the woman
she will be.and when the day comes and i walk you down the isle to see you get married i will shed a few tears
knowing where you and i came from to get to that place and cry only happy tears and thoughts for you to see!
*****************************************************************************************************************************
thoughts of those i have lost
somedays are better than others and we all know that!sometimes we all lose someone special and it hurts for a while
and the constant missing of you all that i have lost sometimes bothers me to no end.sometimes i feel cheated when
i think of when you went to see the keeper of the stars!i wish sometimes i could have just five more minutes with
you to talk and to watch you see my children and see and hear you give me hell!i sometimes think i was robbed a few
precious months i sometimes wish you would have held on for a few more months to see a mini me!you always told me that
you wouldnt live to see another century but you did and as faith would have it as you checked out i was being coy
and stupid not thinking that my last words to you would be over the telephone something i wish i could have taken back
and come to see you more in your last few weeks instaed of being a horny toad.but all and all we had a good run from
the times when i was growing up and driving you crazy!from eating your strawberries in your patch when you forbid it!
to climbing the trelis and hearing you yell and saying iam will get you young man.to the thought of holding your
hand as i looked at the chief as he lay in state.not afraid of holding his hand and not knowing why but that he was
a great man who had his faults but in the end overcame them to see and be with his family.i still remember that last
call when you made me make you a promise not to keep my kids from my so called mother and you said young man what
ever will be will be about me but promise me you will let her see them for me and i reluctenly said yes and lived up to
the promise only to see it make us further apart.but i still think of you often and wish you could be here now with me
in my time of need .but as they say ashes to ashes dust to dust in the end you are up there with the chief and sometimes
i feel you with me !just a few thoughts to ponder for myself you see!
*****************************************************************************************************************************
winter winds
as the winter chill is in the air i can feel a winter wind thru my bones on this moonlit evening.sometimes i think life
is like a winter sometimes the winds are fast and forceful sometimes the winter winds are calm at night!as for this
moment in time i feel as if my life is like a cyclone wind force at times and other times it is like a calming wind
on a spring day chilly yet warm enough to take the chill out of my bones.winter winds are the like the end of winter
like clouds off in the distance they move quick and roll out quick.but like life winds change direction and i hope
for sanitys sake that my winter winds will calm down and become warm stable winds as my life should be for my childrens sake.
gone are turblulant days of my wife and i fighting one another like prized fighters here are the days we should be rejoycing
one anothers company as we have a common goal to bring our children and raise them like we planned in the mid atlantic
city we now live in.
*****************************************************************************************************************************
five years
as i sit and write the thought of my wife and i's fifth wedding anniversary comes to mind it has been one hell of a
ride .we have had are ups kids etc..and downs our seperation etc..but i do belive we were meant to be and in the end we will
be allright.i belive god has given us more strength than others to overcome what we have in our past and more strength in
our future.sometimes as i drift to sleep i have so many thoughts racing around my mind.sometimes i realize my wife feels
as if she is one of the many angles floating in my mind and my sometimes life that can sometimes resemble a storm at sea.
but when it comes down to it you are and will always be the love in my heart and soul even thou i dont sometimes admit it!
in first two were rough second rougher and hopefully the next few will get eaiser .sometimes when i am sleeping and caught
in my memories of choas i wake to see you next to me and realizing you are there does more than you will ever know.but most
of all iam proud of you and where we have come in five years and may we grow old and may our marriage age like a fine
wine and may me realize that you with out me or visa versa we made like that song we made it so far and in another five will have a decade
together and in the end our love rmains strong and true.
*****************************************************************************************************************************
crazy
sometimes i see you sometimes i dont but you are always on my mind.somtimes we laugh sometimes we argue but thru it all you are my
wife keeper of our lives and children.sometimes i dont give you credit and sometimes i do silently,when you need to here the
little words thanks or good job.i sometimes forget that you are very senstive and yurn for my attention and thoughts but
truthfully you are in ways you are unware of.true we have had ups and downs like a roller coaster but in the end we still
are here together.but i do worry about you very much and unable to show you the way you want.you arent crazt like i tease you.
but we will prevail and get our babys back home and go on in our crazy thing we share called life.
*****************************************************************************************************************************
my tiger
when i think of my oldest son he is truly my eye of the tiger in life.he is strong and iron willed and shows me every
day that he is a tiger in the jungle we call life.only five years old he demonstrates courage and a fire within that i used
to have when i thought of my father who i havent seen in many moons.he has the strength of a hundred warriors within him
and i hope and pray i can teach him how to harness that power.he can be anything if he lets the fire burn within him and
drive him to suceed in life.i have until this very early morning have misunderstood him when i should have realized the
fire that burns within him.he has more guts that david when he faced golaith and more heart than a grizzly bear.his
loyality his one of his strongest points yet his knowledge of trust is limited like his mother and mine.he is our little
warrior and will be as brave as his scottish ancestors fighting for freedom.his passion is unkown at this very moment
but when he discovers it will be pure and true.thats why you will forver be my eye of the tiger!
****************************************************************************************************************************
a letter to my dad
hello stranger i write this knowing we may never meet but hope someday i will be wrong and this will be a letter you never got.
it has been what twenty something years since you last seen me .as i grew into what ihave become a father myself i swore
i never would let what happen to me to my children .but your ghost haunts me as i look in the mirror and at my son.he
has the curse of you like i do the look of maf .i sometimes wonder if the sun will ever shine on you and i in the same place in my lifetime.
its as if i am running against a ghost when i think of you.i wish things between you and my mother would have been alot different but be
it as it may i found your family and spent time with your mother and father and know what my mother ment when she said look in the mirror
and you will see what your father looked like.know i see you in my sons eyes and face like myself and it scares me that he
and i look like a ghost.i have and always wonder who you are and what you look like.so my friend you are like an old friend awaiting me in the dark
but someday soon we will resolve this matter but for know i will hope if you exist you are in health and spirts and hope
for a resoultion sometime soon.
*****************************************************************************************************************************






Read more: http://www.myspace.com/tfischer1979/blog?page=2#ixzz13mCWdNJA

may 18 2008

i am in a trauma recovery group and we are into the difficult part of the group where we are working on our abuse issues and i have not been doing my health work because i have not wanted to rehash this shit lately but i guess i really need to deal with some of it other wise i will just have wasted my time and everyone elses time in this group and not really gotten anywhere by doing the group and not working on me. last week was to write our life story on our physical abuse we endured in our life and i didnt do it but i will try to start with what i am supposed to be doing this week and go back and do that another time...well here goes i guess.............................................................................................................. .......................................................................................................................



It started when i was young not to sure of what age really but i do know that what i have been told is i was around 4 years old. My fathers brother david molested me and my brother...i was around 6 years old when my brother told otherwse i am sure it would have continued since he molested many of my cousins even his own children, my mother when she was a teenager even after she was with my father...she had me when she was 16 and he had been molesting her before she had me and after so i really dont understand why she would leave me and my brother alone with him knowing what he did...there is not much of it i remeber from back then but there are very slight pieces of things i remeber like his face and him giving me change after he did what he did...he would have me rub him in his genital area and he put his penis in my mouth...there are times when i see him standing over me and it seems like it is happening only it isnt...i never remebered any details of what happened until the past year and half when i guess after finding out my daughter was molested by my husband bits and pieces of this started occuring and it has been difficult...it all stopped once my brother told and we were put into foster care not long after all that shit came out but i never talked about it and just didnt remember...then after i came home from residential when i was 11 almost 12 my mother had a boyfriend at some point that she wasnt with long and they broke up when he went back to his wife but we were living in bradford on south pleasant street and i had my own room and i believe it happened on 2 occasions where he came in there when he was drinking he would start to rub me between my legs...i could smell the alcohol on his breathe and he would tell me how much i looked like my mom...i dont really think that affected me much because it wasnt a major event in my life it was very brief and i dont feel it had an impact on me...when i was 12 my mother was dating my fathers brother stephan...It was a saturday afternoon and my mother was at work. i was laying on her bed in her bedroom which at the time was the room next to mine.we were living on 11th ave...i was watching a movie and i am not sure where my 2 brothers were or my sister but stephan had come home early from work not really sure why. as i layed there he came and layed on the bed next to me which did not make me uncomfortable at that moment...when he began touching my breast area and slowly moved down to my genitals i became frozen...i knew what was going on was wrong i knew he shouldnt have been touching me but i was scared and nervious...for some reason i could not do anything or say anything to make him stop i was frozen for a moment and i remeber it actually felt okay he told me after he was done and i had jerked him off not to ever tell anyone or he would get into trouble and he asked me if i wanted to get him into trouble and i said no he then made me promise i wasnt going to tell anyone and i promised not to. he then gave me cigarrettes and a 10 dollar bill...i remeber i had to tell my mother that i found the money while at the park on the next street over...so many times he gave me money after we did things it became like he was paying me to have sex with him but at the time i didnt realize that...he always reminded me to keep this our secret and never to tell anyone...he began to favor me over the other kids and when my mother would hit me he would protect me from her by saying something to her to get her to stop hurting me...i felt he cared and that he would protect me because i felt i was important to him and i mattered...there were many nights when my mother was working that he would come to my room and have sex with me and at times i remeber enjoying it...he always told me how pretty i was and he constantly talked through the sex and had me talk to him dirty during it and i did he would say for me to tell im what i wanted and i would tell him fuck me or harder and i was just a fucked up teenager learning all this shit from porn movies he would watch with me or from him a 42 year old man...then i got pregnant with my sone at the age of 14 until corey was born i was so scared after finding out i was pregnant and thinking people were now going to find out and he just kept telling me not to say anything or the baby would be taken from me and he continued this but my son wasnt his...i had had sex with a guy that lived with my father a few times and i also had sex with several other men who i didnt know i would go to parks and watch men that were alone...i would make sexual gestures and expressions to them to seduce them i had become a whore by the age of 14...then my son was born and the sex neevr stopped between stephan and i even after i was tried killing myself when my son was 6 weeks old...i was put into the hospital and then into a residential in rowley where i would get passes to go home and he would pick me up and drive me home or drive me back and he would stop somewhere on the way and i would suck his dick or we would have sex and i still felt like he cared and that even though it shouldnt be happening i continued to do it...then there were the times i was in the psychiatric hospital when he would have sex with me on the way back to the hospital from pass which is the last time anything happened with him when i finally told someone at the mcleans hospital after cutting myself when getting back...we had pulled over into a the dark corner of a hotel parking lot on the way back to the hospital and we had sex and then he dropped me off...there were many nights in those 4 years that even when i didnmt want it he pressured me into doing something with him but it also became like just a part of myy life...my mother went to work and i fucked her boyfriend...there were the times when he came into the shower while i was showering and so many times i just dont remember...there are so much in my life at that time that most of those 4 years i dont remember...even when i had sex with my mothers friends husband it was like i couldnt say no i would just do it to get it over with because he wanted it...i dont remeber a whole lot about details but i do remeber some and i guess this is just the beginnign of it because there is just so much that happened and i times i dont remeber anything then other times i remeber more but right now i just feel like blocked and cant remember a whole lot more than this

may 12 2008

today has been a very productive day i believe it started out this morning getting something faxed that needed to be faxed for a housing application i was having my mother put in for me. then i met with the local nes station and did an interview about the treatment center closing that i utilize so much when i cant deal with sh*t happening in my life. then i went and got gas in the car went to my psychiatrist appointment which by time i got there i was wired and had a very hard time sitting still. from there i went to my relaxation group and group therapy where we had a going away party for someone that i have been friends with for along time who is moving to florida this weekend. after that i had to go get copies of court documents that prove that all mine and my husbands rights had been terminated in order for legal aid to proceed with my divorce filing. well i gave them copies which they took copies of and gave them back to me. I preceded to read them and when i did my mood just dropped instantly and i began to start thinking bout self harm whuich yesturday i just couldnt get it out of my head but i did not act on my urges to cut myself. well its weird because only a few times in my life have i self harmed by punching walls and breaking my bone in my hand well a few weeks ago i went through all thses obsessive thoughts about wanting to break my hand by smashing with a hammer. well a bit ago i found myself beginning to tap my hand with the hammer on top where the bones are closer to the surface but it wasnt enough i wanted to do it harder and i want to break my hand but i dont know why this is how i want to harm myself i just cant get the thinking and wanting to do it out of my head. why dont i just cut instead where i know that will help me become numb and emotionless. why do i feel the need to break my bone i have broken one bone in the other hand once and caused my hand to swell up several times as if it was broken but never has been since then but why now is this the way i am obsessing on hurting myself.i really want to but am trying not to do it .

march 30 2008

right now i am just confused out everythin whether i live for certain reasons or i am such a woose and thats why i continue to survive am i too chicken to follow through all the way and thats why i did it before i was supposed to because i knew there needed to be more than what i had to carry the whole plan through...am i afraid of succeeding whether that be at suicide or at something in life because no atter what i do i fail

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/hopelesslynogood/blog?page=4#ixzz13mIvTifg

march 30 2008

i have figured it out the reason i continue to try is because of my fear of success and why have a fear of success i dunno maybe what people expect maybe my expectations maybe a whole lot of shit i cant figure out yet but there has to be a reason i contine to want to die and try but there also has to be a reason i continue to fail do i really want to die am i fearful of living in this fucked up worl much longer than i have i know i am afraid of myself and what i will do at times to myself even when someone else is the one i should be angry at i take it out on myself so i believe everything in my life revolves around fear and anger i dunno i am confused at what i need

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/hopelesslynogood/blog?page=4#ixzz13mJ0qdQY

July 19 2008

essay needing to get done no more class
well i am all done my classes 4 this symester but i still had a quiz and an essay to complete...well i did the quiz today but am in no mood to do this essay...i just want to not do it...i know that i will still pass the class with like a c or d if i dont do it...but it is 20% of my grade and if i dont do it i will pass but if i do it i will get atleast a B but may get an A...although i want to get an A in the class what happens if i get a B...i dont want a B...i just want to be done with this class...next symester i am taking english 112 with the same teacher and what happens if he gets mad because i blew the last essay of english 111 off then he might not give me good grades next symester...next symester i am taking 5 classes 4 online and 1 at the college i know i need to learn to motivate with this online class shit because i procrastinate everything lately and have been very unmotivated i need to start managing my time and be able to be with myself and make myself do things even when i dont want to but i really feel like i cant right now...i think i need to go into the hospital soon because i am getting depressed and dont wanna do anything...i dunno anymore the essay is only 3-5 pages but really dont have an energy or motivation or want to do it

july 3 2008

trying to stay hopeful but feel hopeless
well i am trying to stay hopeful about a place i am going to look at this weekend on saturday...it is in the country sorta well really is but not like in the boonies miles and miles away from society and a friend of mine lives not too far away from it so i am really hoping to get it but on the other hand nothing in my life ever works out the way i hope it will and i am never lucky enough to get anything i want in life so i feel kinda hopeless about it...i feel it will be a very positive change in my life and i may be able to begin to live rather than just continuing to get by... i want to be able to get this place and set it up as my own and have a place where i feel safe secure and comfortable...i want to begin to get some peace and serenity in my life and i believe this is my opportunity to begin working on all this but i feel like nothing ever works out for me like i am destined to always be miserable and never have anything i want or hope for...i pray god have his will and if his will is for me to have this place then he will provide that will...i ask him for help in showing me the way to a better more productive positive and hopeful life...i ask him to change my ways of viewing my experiences and the tribulations i have gone through and am still fighting to get through...lord i ask you to show me the way...i pray that he see my pain and help me find some light rather than always seeing dark and feeling hopeless...i thank god for allowing me to still have one child i can see in my life and not taking them all from me...i thank him for proving me with some shelter over my head where i can sleep at night and not be afraid of being hurt by another person in the community while i am asleep...i thank him for providing me with food to continue to live because some people in the world have not had food for days...i thank him for putting people in my life that understand and have hope for me even when i dont and i thank him for the people he has allowed in my life that need help even though i am not strong enough myself to provide them with the help they need but in due time i maybe strong enough with gods help to help them...amen.....this my prayer and i know i may not be good at praying all the time of in the prescence of others but i do prayer and need to start believing and prayer more...i hope everone has a blessed day and that they are able to be provided for in there time of need.

june 26 2008

whats happening how i am feeling what i am thinking
well today i feel so blah...just not with it and anious...i am nauseated and have a headache...been thinking bought cutting and also wondering why i didnt go through with my suicide plan that i so carefully planned for months and spent so much time and energy thinking about...i just wanted everythin g to be over with and then a few days before i decided to put it on hold...for what...why...what is the point of just prolonging the inevitable...my death...today i am feeling very hopeless and have really no energy...i should be starting to work on my first essay for class that the rough draft is due tuesday june 8th and i have no motivation whats so ever to even think about doing it and to even choose a topic...i had a topic in mind for a few days now...but not sur i want to use that topic for this essay since this is a debate essay and i cant put my opinion into it has to be about why people or for and against a topic...i am not sure i want to write about why people are against assisted suicide or self deliverance...i want to write about why people are for it but i am not sure i can be neutral with this topic at this time in my life...i really just wish i could forget about doing this essay...i really think i need to be in the psychiatric hospital right now...but i also have my mother and son arriving in the morning on greyhound and was supposed to meet them there but now i have an appointment with an agency for a mental health support worker...i already talked to my mother and told her i wouldnt be there to meet them so we will have to meet somewhere later in the day...my brother will be picking them up there anyways and they are staying at his house...my mom will be leaving monday to go back to massachusettes and my son will be staying here for the summer...but he already is giving me his attitude and the cold shoulder and he hasnt even arrived here yet or left there yet...he will be staying at my brothers house for the summer and not going back to august but i dunno not sure i even want to deal with him at this time...he really doesnt want to bother with me he is only com ing down here to spend the summer with my brother and visit his friend not to see me and he told me that this morning on the phone...most of the time he only wants something to do with me if i have money can buy him stuff take him somewhere of let him sit on the computer or a video game the whole time he is with me...he doesnt actually like to talk to me or enjoy my com pany and have fun together unless it involves money and that hurts because right now i cant afford to give him everything he wants or spend money on taking him places...i need to be finding a place to live and saving all my money i can for a place to go...i wont be able to stay at the shelter for much longer if i even get to stay after next week because my 30 days is up come monday june 30th and sometimes they let u stay longer but havent said anything to me about wether they are going to allow that or not...i am hoping i dont get a notice a day or 2 before they want me to leave because i will stuck with nowhere to go

June 25 2009

realization and peace within
Somethings changed and I am not really sure how or why or when this happened. I am not sure I can even pinpoint the change but I know it is there for now and not sure whether it is good, bad, or indifferent.
I do not have the energy to figure out what has changed but I know that I have thought about cutting just to prove to myself it has not. Yes cutting has crossed my mind but lately it feels more like it is not the answer to anything anymore. Lately I feel like life is so unpredictable but yet appears somewhat predictable. It appears life is more than it really is and people make it out to be an important thing when really it is nothing more nothing less. I have felt somewhat as nothing really is what I have always felt it was. Things happen and I feel it but yet can not escape it anymore then I wanna run and hide.
I have thought about suicide and really am not sure how I feel about it lately although it seems definitive and an end to a lot of pain and suffering. I guess it just has not really been the option I have been looking for and seems to just be my way of escaping what I have or have nto been going through in these almost 30 years of life. I am not quite sure is what I so desire anymore but I am not sure I desire or want anything that I used to. Committing suicide takes a lot of energy to finally commit to and go through with. It takes a build up of courage which I can not achieve.
This it ran through my head several times about needing hospitalization, needing medication, needing more than what I have been doing in life. If I ever really want to get somewhere and where I want to get I am not sure but I may need more than this. I do not know what I need or what I want. I amk not sure about much lately except the feel of fakeness. People do not understand I am not normal. They do not understand I can play the part ofr just so long before I can not do that anymore. No one really sees or understands that I am not who I make myself seem like. But then who am and how am I supposed to be.
Lately there has been a lot of change within me but yet I am not sure how. I know some of it has been my realizing I want to cut but just not doing it because it is not going to work for what I want to erase. I also have realized that I use the talk of killing myself and dying as an escape from whatever I am facing or feeling inorder to avoid what is reality or not. I am not even sure the energy I put into attempting suicide has ever really been there as if it was I would have already achieved it. I am beginning to realize there is somesort of peace within me that is there asnd no matter how much people try to break through it it stays lately.
I can not be in a relationship as I can not be with myself. Relationships are commitment sthat I can nto make. I can not make the commitment to someone else that I can not make to myself. I can not continue struggling to be what I think is expected of me or that I believe others want me to be. I can not be a mom. I can nto be a girlfriend,. I can not be a neighbor. And I sure can not be a friend. As I try to play these roles I find I only hurt the people on the other side of the relationship more than I am hurting and I do not want that. I do not like to or want to hurt anyone. I am not sure I really want to hurt myself anymore. But I also am not sure what else to do so what have I been doing popping whatever pills I can and sleeping. Hoping the answer will be there when I wake up. Bbut it has not come to me yet.
I was up all night crying and wanting to escape as at times it was hard to breathe trying to talk through the confusion and make someone understand they do not want to be with me as I have too many issues. Alls it did was make me more confused as they claim they will be here through whatever and they need me right now as they are having difficulties. I try to explain the complication of myself to him trying to get him to see the difficulties I have in relationships and life. But he is blinded it is as if a lot of people are blinded and all I do is hurt them. I do not want to hurt others. I do not want to be hurt. But yet I am drawn into and live in a world that thrives on hurt. The world is nothing more than a big revolving place to be hurt. It thrives on people suffering and I am not sure that is what I want anymore. I am not sure I want much anymore. I just want to keep the peace whether that means I stop breathing and no longer exist or whether that means something more I am not sure. I am just allowing myself as confused and conflicted as I am to be with it and experience it right now. I am not sure the peace is not numbing but it is acceptable for me right now.

june 12 2009

Seems my therapist is giving p and letting go do not think sshe wants to see me anymore
So it is that simple I guess. Not quite sure it really is as simple as you just made it. I feel so hopeless right now. There is nothing left to fight for. Nothing to keep going. The drive home felt like forever trying to hold the tears in. I guess reality is hitting. I see the fight is gone there is nothing really worth holding onto. No one is really reliable. I see how simple is for people to just walk away and let go of. Why is it that people can let go of me so easily but yet I have such a hard time letting go of people places or things. Have you decided I am not worth it no more. I know things are just difficult and I am not really doing anything but I told you that 2 years ago. You are just now confirming that. Are you giving up? I gave up a long time ago. I knew there was never a chance. There never has been a chance. Why now? What did I do this time rather than all the other times when I wanted you to give up and see things were never going to get any better. I guess this is it. I guess its up to me now. Not sure I am strong enough to make it through but do u you really think that I ever believed that anyone really ever cared and was going to fight for me? NO, I never could really trust or believe any of you. I never said you had to do case management that was something you took on. Yes you could have let go a few months back when I was not seeing Pam but that was a decision you made or the agency made or whatever. I am not sure. Why now throw it back in my face. Okay so maybe I do not know all that is happening but neither do you. Yes it may seem I have control over so much but when things are happening it just feels I have no control. I know you say these things are up to me to control but I just CAN NOT control any of it. Yeah decisions are a struggle for me but yet it seems when I do make a decision it is never the right one. Even when it is a decision that is good for me it seems all it is chalked up to be in my mind is not what it really is. I sometimes really believe things will get better but it appears that is not ever going to happen. I can not do this on my own but yet it seems I am alone in this world. Sometimes when I am around others even doing some of the things I do I feel normal. I feel okay but inside I know this stuff is wrong but can not stop it. Just like when I was a teenager I knew the stuff should not be going on it was wrong but yet I felt trapped like there was nothing I could do about it. I did nothing about it. I just kept allowing it to happen and when it happened it felt like I mattered and someone really cared about me. Things in my life currently feel the same way. I hang out with people. Do things with them. Drugs, sexual stuff, codependency stuff and in the midst of it it seems okay. It seems there is really normalcy in my life but when I am alone by myself and I think about it and feel trapped in it. I know it is not the right things, I know its not having a life, I know it is not what “NORMAL” people do but yet its my destiny I guess. I feel so unable to really control it even though you say it is within my control. Sleeping forever seems so contentful but yet so scary so I am living some fantasy trying to live in a fucked up world, a fucked up life, trying to convince myself that NORMALCY is possible. I suppose what I am doing now is the most peace I will have within my life. This actually may be the most normal things have ever been for me. I am not sure maybe the life I am leading currently is normal! Yeah I am sleeping a lot. Yeah I am socializing. Even if that socialization costs me. What does it cost? Material things? Who cares? Money is not everything! Do I need it probably not. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests basic needs food, water, and shelter as a foundation for all humans. I am not sure any of that is what is need for me to achieve the contentment I am seeking. I have food water, and shelter. I have more than that but still have no foundation My son is sleeping and was when I walked in the door. I feel so alone but yet he is here my dog is here and I have people in the neighborhood I could go see but yet I sit here writing this wondering why I even bother. I always believe there is something I am missing and try to seek it but yet can not figure out what it is. If I never know I am always seeking something that has no true way of helping me since it is not ever really missing. I never had a whole lot to begin with so really what is it that I am seeking or missing? I know a lot of this probably does not seem valid to you or anyone else but there is a void that no matter what I do never really fulfills anything. That void was there before my kids were born it was there as a child and now it is still here. Yeah my kids may have blocked it but I felt a void somewhat then. Not to the extent I feel it now but it was there. I never really do as well as I expect and anything I ever expect to work does not work. Anything I allow others to lead me towards that is supposed to work or help ends up not what I expected. If I always fail then why keep trying. If I do not try then I won’t fail. That also means that I will never succeed either. So it is a no win situation but also seems that trying has not helped either. I still fail and can not seem to succeed.