Swag bucks please join

[URL=http://swagbucks.com/refer/lkg4btrlife][IMG]http://prodegebanners.sitegrip.com/images/swagbucks-468x60Alt5.jpg[/IMG][/URL]

Life shows up so often

Last week my carefully planned suicide failed. I am not sure how carefully planned it really was as although I had researched it for weeks and waited until my son left on his trip to massachusettes I only took half the pills I had planned on taken and got high on crack cocaine right before taking them and then although I had planned on cutting my wrist straight up the vein I ended up cutting it on a diagonal. Alls it did was end me up in ICU for 4 days and with 27 staples and 11 stitches in my wrist. It did do some damage to my nerves as my hand is stillnumb halfway through it and i have achy pain near the side where the vein got cut. It also left me with a bunch of days unable to tell you about as their is no memerories from them including the many conversations I had at the hospital. I did manage to stay out of the psychiatric unit although then felt I needed to be in one since I left ICU. I had therapy monday after being discharged from ICU friday and not sure it was very productive or much of it was set in as in my mind I still planned on finishing myself off. I met with my ehs mental health support worker and then decided yesterday after have a major emotionally traumatizing fight with my now ex boyfriend as we broke up I decided that I needed help. I went and tried to get into crisis stabilization and was turned down as I have been there too many times in the past 3 years and have had many problems while in the program so therefore they denied me the service. Instead I am on a crisis plan which just entails that I will still see my therapist which at this point is weekley but had been biweekley and I will also meet withy the crisis coordnator who at one time was my case manager a few times over the next few weeks to try and get myself and my life back on track before classes begin August 24th. School will also give me soemthing more to do once it starts although it in the past has helped keep me somewhat stable I still have not been able to completely organize keep focused keep up or stay stable throughout the whol semester which will end in december so we will see and alls I can do is try for now. I still have the option of killing myself if none of this helps and even if it helps temporarily killing myself is still an option.

Thrown in my face

Well not last night but the night before and into yesterday morning someone I thought really cared and who I had told a brief bit about my dirty past as a child and teenager when I was molested repeatedly for years by my uncles and my moms boyfriend. Now alls I had told him was that I was molested and at what ages. I also had told him about the being emotionally and mentally and physically abused by my mother and that my relationship with my father was on and off and now I choose to have no relationship with him because of how he chose to be during my childhood. The person I was dating and I thought cared through it all in my face confirming what I have always beleived about trusting people with my dirtiness. He confirmed also for me what type of person he was and that he was only here to find my weaknesses and take advantage of them after seeing his friend/cousin had hurt me and taken advantage of me for 8 months. Well this so called man I have been with for 5 months summarized my life for me and let me know that I wanted the abuse as a child. I asked for it and I allowed it to happen. which all these things are repeated things I have believed myself and my therapist has beeen working with me for a long time trying to convince me different. But no even others believe what I beleive. I was molested as a little girl and when it start again at 12 I had already known it was wrong and should not happen. I also was in t herapy at the time and went to an alternative school where I met with my therapist several times a week and neevr said anything. Maybe I did ask for it? Maybe I knew it was wrong and liked it. Some of it did feel good and I also did feel ashamed and guilty at the same time as it was happening although felt as if he was my protector and I owed it to him. He sometimes stood up to and fought with my mother over the way she treated me and would stop her from abusing me physically. Sometimes I felt it was okay and enjoyed it. Other times i felt as if he was sufficating and smothering me and I layed their not really there. Knowing what was happening but yet not really being there. I was there physically and some of my mind was present as I knew what was occuring but yet sometimes i did not feel the sex.
This man who through this in my face has hurt me more than anyone of these people in my childhood. I feel like in the 3 hours he was throwing all this in my face he was in my head and knew everything. He told me things that i had not told him. I feel he undid all I have done in therapy and my trauma group I completed last year even though it was not much and I hardly ever face the sexual abuse issue it was something I brought up with him because he was uncircumcised and the man who molested me from the age of 12-16 years old was the only other uncircumcised mans penis I had seen and when I saw his I panicked the first time and had to tell him that I was abused sexually by my mothers boyfriend/my dads brother from the ages of 12-16 an dhe was uncircumcised and that I sorry for panicking but it caught me off guard. For him to then turn all it on me as I have always done to myself seems to me that it must be true. I wanted it. I enjoyed it. I asked for it. It was my fault. I am a whore and can not say no. I will always be a whore and dirty as I continue to allow men to do what they want even when I tell them NO. I continue to give in when pushed as I did back then. There were many nights I pretended I was sleeping and when he came in my room I would push him away as if I was sleeping and was just moving but yet then would be a pushover and let him do it. Some nights i undressed and slept naked waiting for him to come into my room. Some nights I just wanted him to hurry up and get it over and done with. Sometimes I played into it and enjoyed it. I listened to his talking dirty to me and when he told me "is that what you want" there were many nights I said yes. There were many nights i would talk dirty to him as he was doin what he was doing. Many times I felt sufficated. I still even while writing this and when thinking about it feel as if I am suficated. My chest feels tight. I can feel his heaviness of his body ontop of my chest. I need to go I can nto write no more I have to go get away from this stuff right now.