Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

after really thinking about this for a while I have realized there is really nothing in life that I believe I hope I never have to do as everything in life that I would have not wanted to do I have had to do. I have lost all that I could have wanted. I have been at bottom. I have never been at top. I have lost all I could lose. I have taken from me all that I could have wanted. There is nothing else in life that can be taken from me. There is no decisions I can make that I can make mistakes that i will regret as much as the decisions i have made already that I regret.

I do not want ot make a decision to live as my decision has been made that I want to die. I do not want to make a choice whether to get treatment for a terminal illness as I want to commit suicide. I do not want to decide whether my kids will come find me when they get older as I fear they are being lied to as they are growing up with their adoptive families and being lied to and told they were not loved or cared about by me. I believe they are being told I hated them and abused them. When the problem is that I hated myself and life and could not stabilize my mental health enough to get them back but I never hit them, yelled at them, nor did I discipline them...so yes I neglected them. But I loved them. I wanted more for them than what I had growing up and did not know how to give them that without doing the complete opposite of what I got. But I told them how much they were loved and how they were smart and loved. But I did not provide the discipline nor did I provide the housing clenliness or parenting they needed as my husband and I never could get along and constantly fought. Fear they will never know the truth that they were loved by me.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

There are many things I hate about myself. I am not really sure there truly is anything I honestly like about myself. But I guess since this does not say some things and says something I will have to choose to write about just a single thing I hate about myself. So here goes...

I hate that I am scarred. There are very few places I can look at on my body that does not have a self induced scar on it. I am ashamed of my scarring I have caused myself but yet still am unable to take hold of the continuous self destructive pattern that leaves the scars upon my body. I have tried to minimize them and also have tried to use whatever I could to lighten them but to no avail. They will never go away. They remind of the pain I endured and what has caused me to cause harm to myself. They also remind me that there is an option for me to induce more scarring upon myself if I am too distressed and unable to face my emotional pain.

My scars remind me of how much I have destroyed myself and my childrens lives by being unable to cope with my pain and the fear I felt when there was the unknown. My scars remind me of what became my life while fighting for my angels. Instead of truly fighting for my children I instead needed to escape and be cowardly. I was weak and unable to endure the fear of the unknown which was the decision whether or not what i did was good enough to get my kids back or not. The not knowing was what I tried to escape when I needed to avoid the pain I felt in my life.

My scars remind me of how weak I was and still am when it comes to self control and my ability to handle emotional pain. My scars remind of how disgusting my bodie looks and makes me more self conscious than I was before I caused my body to be covered in a secret code of pain inflicted upon myself. The self infliction of cuts upon my body lets me know how worthless I am and was. I hate the many scars that tell the story or my pain without words!!!

The last feelings and thoughts of 2009

Well here, it is the end of 2009. The beginning of a new decade is going to start in approximately 30 minutes. As the end of this decade, ends there are many regrets I sit here thinking about within. Today as my mom drove away from her visit here, I wanted to go home with her. I wanted just for someone to want me around and for me to feel truly loved by my family but instead I felt the same as I always have.

I felt unloved and not wanted. I felt I did not matter. Then as I began, thinking about this last year of the decade I remembered how close I came to the end of my life at my own hands. I realized how even when all is going well I still feel empty. I have no one in my life who has ever really just wanted me for who I am no matter who that may be or what I may do. I never really have been accepted unless someone needed something or wanted something from me. Then when they were done with me, I did not matter anymore.

I lost a friend that I really tried hard to keep. She was a good friend for the most part but we all have faults and some of the issues I had with our friendship I allowed to get too far and began to resent the friendship rather than openly talking and working on the things that were too much for me. Well that friendship ended and a new one began. Well I thought two new ones began. but I feel as if I need to just be too myself as much as they are great people and I have no issues with them currently they are just 2 good of people to be around me and my miserable world.

They deserve better friendship than what I will ever be able to give them and they do not need any more distress from me in their lives. I know I sometimes am too much and my hopelessness and despair is frustrating for others. So then, why do I continue to express these things to others rather than just keep them inside? I never can really keep good friends around as these things interfere in the relationship or becomes too much for people who I thought were my friends to handle and understand truly.

My mother and sister left today and I cried as they drove away. I cried because I feel as if I will never be truly, honestly loved by anyone. My family never loved me but they continue to control my life for the most part. I let my life be controlled by others and by my misery. I never will be able to obtain an achievable desired level of happiness within myself to be able to enjoy life and face it as others do. I just want it all to stop and for my life to normalize enough for me to be happy and satisfied with what I have, what I can give, and how I survive.

I want to help others without fucking things up more for them. It seems every time I try to help someone and do as much as I can they end up in a worse situation than they were in before I bothered. So then, why do I bother? Why do I keep thinking I can help and make things better for others? Why is it I think I can do any good for anyone when I have always done nothing but failed?

Life shows up so often

Last week my carefully planned suicide failed. I am not sure how carefully planned it really was as although I had researched it for weeks and waited until my son left on his trip to massachusettes I only took half the pills I had planned on taken and got high on crack cocaine right before taking them and then although I had planned on cutting my wrist straight up the vein I ended up cutting it on a diagonal. Alls it did was end me up in ICU for 4 days and with 27 staples and 11 stitches in my wrist. It did do some damage to my nerves as my hand is stillnumb halfway through it and i have achy pain near the side where the vein got cut. It also left me with a bunch of days unable to tell you about as their is no memerories from them including the many conversations I had at the hospital. I did manage to stay out of the psychiatric unit although then felt I needed to be in one since I left ICU. I had therapy monday after being discharged from ICU friday and not sure it was very productive or much of it was set in as in my mind I still planned on finishing myself off. I met with my ehs mental health support worker and then decided yesterday after have a major emotionally traumatizing fight with my now ex boyfriend as we broke up I decided that I needed help. I went and tried to get into crisis stabilization and was turned down as I have been there too many times in the past 3 years and have had many problems while in the program so therefore they denied me the service. Instead I am on a crisis plan which just entails that I will still see my therapist which at this point is weekley but had been biweekley and I will also meet withy the crisis coordnator who at one time was my case manager a few times over the next few weeks to try and get myself and my life back on track before classes begin August 24th. School will also give me soemthing more to do once it starts although it in the past has helped keep me somewhat stable I still have not been able to completely organize keep focused keep up or stay stable throughout the whol semester which will end in december so we will see and alls I can do is try for now. I still have the option of killing myself if none of this helps and even if it helps temporarily killing myself is still an option.

going through some emotions

My son had his first dte today and when he first asked the girl who was my neighbors daughter I was excited. My son is 14 1/2 years old and not a very outgoing boy as he hasnever been a real socialite. But once he gets to know you he is very friendly and social but not unti feeling comortable. He is not a teenager as there is out there today. He is not criminalized. He is a quiet respectable boy. My son opened the car door for this girl then she went around the other side of the car and said she was going to get in on the other side. Then he bought her supper. Yes mcdonalds but it was with his money he worked for and saved to ake her out and that is where she said she wanted to go. Then he went to the movies and watched th Hanna Montana movie because she wanted to. He did everything a young respectfl boy should do and she is nothing but a slimy loser. Later this evening when she got back hours late he invited her up to sit by the fire. she came up here and brought 2 friends only to leave him by the fire alone and hang on my porch with her friends. He looked so sad ad lonely sitting thee by the fire. I came in the house ater he announcing He is not her type because he is not "GHETTO" or "REDNECK" enough. He is too nice she said. She also said he is too young as she will not date anyone younger than 18 becauseit makes her feel like a child and as if she is molesting them. Well my son is not into sex yet ad as this is his first interest in girls and all that sort of thng and I felt so bad when she rejected him the way she did and is still sitting out there and heis still out there by the fire. I came in and cried as I fel somewhat as if it is mine and my mothers fault for being overly protective and sheler him throughout his life to protect him from being like what society portrays teenagers to be. My son is not the typical teenager and I am glad he is not but in a way I feel like because he has been moved alot and that sort he has not been able to socialize and learn to be social which is somewhat damaging as he is cautious who he hangs and opens up to. I am not sure I am sure alot of the tears is more about me and the experience of being unwanted, not good enough, and never belonging and fitting in. Ii am sure that is where alot of my tears came from is my own feelings about rejection and reexperiencing what I have felt as always being not good enough for anyone. But I am feeling sad right now for him and somewhat angry with her, myself, and my mother for doing this to him.

sent 2 my therapst as i hope she will stop being concerned and ease up as its making it difficult 2 get what i need 2 acheive what i desire

Well be frustrated or be upset with me it is alright. I know when you try so hard to help someone and they cannot will not or choose not to accept it how frustrating and angering it may be. I am sorry I know I should never have manipulated you into giving me that card number and I am sorry but I do want to say you have been helpful in many ways and I just have difficulties accepting what is and that I cannot and never will be able to be who I was when I had my children with me and who I want t to be as I will never and can never be normal. I will never be the perfect American family living the American dream. I am sorry I have been willful and even when I take steps to try and do something that is best for me since I will be on the street with nowhere to live soon I wait every day to find that eviction notice on my door and I wanted to save that money so I would be able to have somewhere to go but I blew it all. I bought a car this weekend and yes I know you had the card but I moneygramed the money to the person and there is now only 33 dollars left so ohwell thank you for trying. I did not buy any pills again as I fucked that up by blowing my money on the car that legally I should not be driving right now as I have not registered it and the plates on it are not mine they are the person I bought it from but it does got a new sticker on it and it drives nice. It is a small little car and it will do me somewhat good as I will now have a place to sleep when I do get evicted. Next month’s check I will change everything over to my name and then hopefully I will not feel as stressed about it but after I did it I was upset for a bit as now I will not be able to order my pills I needed. I did however order that lidocaine which ended up being 50 dollars and I will probably never get it as I know it was mailed and there has been a lot of seizures of out of country packages because of prescriptions. But needless to say if I get it I get it if not I do nt. I dropped my classes at cvcc but am thinking of resigning up for them as obviously I am not going to be dead before then so I need to do something with my life I am however signed up for 2 online classes through 2 other Virginia community classes currently but really need to cancel those ones as I do not have the money for them. I have gone to visit my son today and drove by Dakoata house which I got excited as he had a 2 wheeler outside with training wheels so my little man is growing and getting bigger. He is riding a bike. It made me happy. Then I walked around Kroger for no reason and dollar tree and drove around Rustburg it felt good to have some freedom and get out. I cried a lot Friday night and Saturday night as Pete and I have been somewhat arguing and he told me there has been a few times he has just wanted to walk away and never come back but he cares about me and knows I will hurt myself if he does. I told him I am not real good with relationships and am not used to a normal female male relationship but that I do not just hurt myself because of stuff like that I hurt myself because it is how I cope and a year ago I may have done that but at this moment I would sure not do it if he wanted nothing to do with me. I told him he was not worth it but yet I have wanted to do it so much this weekend just drive away from here and cut but have not I am going to show you all that I do not need to do that just because I hurt emotionally. So I told him he needed to stop the mind games and if he wants to go go now do not stay because you do not want me to hurt myself as it will be worse a year from now I told him if he wants to go and he wants me to leave him be just say so but yet then he says your still pretty and wants to play sexually as I feel like lately this is how it has been a little game ever since I gave in and gave him what he wanted. The many times I tell him no I do not want to and he tells me no means yes when it comes to me I sometimes feel like that’s what I deserve just to be someone’s whore and treated as if I am just good for that but yet other times it angers me feeling as if that is all that is wanted out of me and that is all that is good about me and that is all people want from me. I don’t know I am such a complicated person and my mind is very conflicted it is difficult for me to live with it and figure it out so I know it must be more difficult for others to figure it out. I can go without sex but yet it is what a relationship is based on and without it you are not wanted or good enough to people so I feel it is an obligation but yet then want it to be taken as so I do not have to feel like I gave it up and am just as I was years ago. I have difficulties with it a lot especially now that it involves the person I am with as he is much older and some specific features of his reminds me of my mother’s ex but I am able to fade out of for some time. So it’s alright. Sometimes I wish I did not I wish I experienced the whole thing and could somehow take control and stop it since I did not when I was younger but I still don’t even when I am experiencing it fully and want not to be doing it or be involved. Sometimes it is hard to fade away from it. But it’s alright I don’t care. It seems I don’t care much about anything anymore but I will say since driving around I have felt less anxiety although maybe the few xanex I have been taken recently has helped that somewhat but also I think I am not as feel as if I have to depend on others and that I am trapped as I can just drive out for no reason and drive around amously. And then I really felt good after seeing that bike toady with the little training wheels. It made me feel good. I did email the social worker last week after going to chat with Connie and she did never respond so not sure what’s up maybe she is sick of hearing from me or maybe she had no answers or maybe she found out she was not supposed or I don’t know but she is supposed to be having a baby soon Connie said so I was inquiry as to whether she would be back and if Daniels worker will change and stuff like that but she never did respond do I do not know. Anyways I cleaned Corey’s room for him but yet cannot clean my own house and do not even weed the garden. I am depressed and things have been up and down for some time now but right now I such feel numb not really sad as I cried off and on for a few hours Saturday and been alright with the one thought of driving the car to the mountain just to cut so no one would know about it but decided not to that just cause I was sad and hurt it does not mean I need to hurt myself physically so I have not done it. I think I am alright for now even if I slack on real life such as laundry showering cleaning cooking and shit like that. Well thanks for trying and I am sorry I have fucked it up again. I do try even if it seems I do not and I have not been on the computer that much this weekend and have not been in that chat that I had been for the past 6 weeks so it may be helping as I am not reading and writing so much negativity. I might not be there this week as I have court Tuesday which I really do not want to go I would rather it just to be over with since they have moved but have to go so I do not get issued a warrant for failure to appear after a subpoena had been delivered. And I really not sure about therapy as it is difficult to sit face to face with you. It just feels to vulnerable and you know too much I think and I am not sure I want to expose any more of my fucked up self as I am really not a worthwhile human you should be wasting your time on. I am disgusting and I feel ashamed of something’s I have been involved in in my life and it is difficult to face you one to one after telling you some of the things I told you but yet seems I need therapy and the system as that is why I have survived so long. I have survived because of the system if it had not been here and I had not stayed involved I can almost say with a certain I would have been dead. Maybe I just need another therapist someone who does not know all that nasty stuff and someone who only knows the surface stuff of me such as diagnosis and treatment without going further into reason and cause. I am not sure I am just feeling anxious about being in therapy with you now. I am afraid to face you and of what you really think not just what you tell me and the therapeutic response to what I told you but real thoughts about how nasty and disgusting I am and have been my whole life. I have to go before I let this go to my head obsessively.

past few days

these past few days i have made a decision to move and spend the summer at my friends camping her yard. i will have like a retreat there and will hopefully be able to work on myself and maybe begin to see who i really am and find what i really like. i will spend sometime with her and her children and we will lso be able to work together on gardening and our plans to make what we call the salsa shack. we are growing tomatoes peppers cilantro onions garlic and hot peppers and plan on trying to sell them at the local market and maybe build a business out of for the future. we have a lot of things in common but then there are other things that we disagree on so i will have to keep myself in check and try to be who she wishes me to be for a few months. i believe it will be somewhat good for me to do some inner work but i also will have to be careful since she has been through traumatic situations that sometimes become triggered by my traumatic past and trying to talk to her about my symptoms and my ptsd and need to try to talk about these things without being judged. sometimes the things she talks about throughs me for a loop and brings up alot for me and i have not been able to set limits and boundaries with her around this stuff but she is able to tell me when it is uncomfortable or too much for her what we are discussing. she is alot farther in her recovery than i am and also has 9 years sober and clean which is a big help for me. she is a great friend and has helped me stabilize more than anything this past year. she also helped me be able to trust someone enough to talk about this stuff somewhat but i feel she will get me started talking about it but then it gets too much for her and i am left hanging with the intense memories and emotions. i also will not be able to use my cutting as a means of coping while i am there so this will be a big step for me in self control and coping effectively. but in the long one this is probably a big blessing and may be very helpful for the future of my life and well being including the stability and "normalcy" i so desire and seek so often. although when i begin to gain some "normalcy" i usual destroy it and run from it. i think it gets to much for me not to be in chaos as my whole life since birth has been not so dependable, chaotic, unstable, and unstructured. i think it becomes greatly uncomfortable for me and i run from it as it is not what i am used to and it is scary for me. but this will help me build some trust and a bit of a foundation before going to get my own apartment at the end of the summer again. maybe i will gain some enlightenment into what i truly am seeking in life and what i really want. i just hope i do not sacrifice myself to much and try to be who i am not and lose the things that has protecdted me throughout my whole life. seeing her and where she had come froma nd whats she went through and how far she has come and how hard she has worked to get to where she is now gives me hope. hope that there is better out there for me and that i too can get to where she is with alot of hard work and many failures and successes but i do not want to be her and be what she expects me to be or what or who anyone expects me to be i want to be me and learn who me is. this will be a step in the right direction to a life worth living i hope.