Some of these posts speak of my abuse. Some speak of the loss of my children and the grief and despair I faced through that. Much of it talks about my battle I fight with mental illness. The suicidal thoughts and attempts. The self harm.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
going through some emotions
My son had his first dte today and when he first asked the girl who was my neighbors daughter I was excited. My son is 14 1/2 years old and not a very outgoing boy as he hasnever been a real socialite. But once he gets to know you he is very friendly and social but not unti feeling comortable. He is not a teenager as there is out there today. He is not criminalized. He is a quiet respectable boy. My son opened the car door for this girl then she went around the other side of the car and said she was going to get in on the other side. Then he bought her supper. Yes mcdonalds but it was with his money he worked for and saved to ake her out and that is where she said she wanted to go. Then he went to the movies and watched th Hanna Montana movie because she wanted to. He did everything a young respectfl boy should do and she is nothing but a slimy loser. Later this evening when she got back hours late he invited her up to sit by the fire. she came up here and brought 2 friends only to leave him by the fire alone and hang on my porch with her friends. He looked so sad ad lonely sitting thee by the fire. I came in the house ater he announcing He is not her type because he is not "GHETTO" or "REDNECK" enough. He is too nice she said. She also said he is too young as she will not date anyone younger than 18 becauseit makes her feel like a child and as if she is molesting them. Well my son is not into sex yet ad as this is his first interest in girls and all that sort of thng and I felt so bad when she rejected him the way she did and is still sitting out there and heis still out there by the fire. I came in and cried as I fel somewhat as if it is mine and my mothers fault for being overly protective and sheler him throughout his life to protect him from being like what society portrays teenagers to be. My son is not the typical teenager and I am glad he is not but in a way I feel like because he has been moved alot and that sort he has not been able to socialize and learn to be social which is somewhat damaging as he is cautious who he hangs and opens up to. I am not sure I am sure alot of the tears is more about me and the experience of being unwanted, not good enough, and never belonging and fitting in. Ii am sure that is where alot of my tears came from is my own feelings about rejection and reexperiencing what I have felt as always being not good enough for anyone. But I am feeling sad right now for him and somewhat angry with her, myself, and my mother for doing this to him.
Labels:
Borderline,
BPD,
depression,
fear,
hopeless,
lonliness,
suicidal
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