12 Things I Learned from My Therapist | World of Psychology

12 Things I Learned from My Therapist | World of Psychology

I’ve spent more time in therapy than I care to think about. More hours on that bloody couch than I’ve spent in the shower, brushing my teeth, or on the phone with telemarketers, because let’s face it, when I’m home, there really are no decision makers at my house. If I calculate one hour a week for 12 years, that’s 600 hours, which is 25 DAYS. What do I have to show for it? Lots of wisdom and advice. Journals and journals of it. But for your sake, I’ll just list 12. And after you get done reading my shrink insights, I want you to tell me yours, because I’m compiling such pearls for a writing project.

1. Know your triggers.

From the first year of therapy: know your triggers. If a conversation about global warming, consumerism, or the trash crisis in the U.S. is overwhelming you, simply excuse yourself. If you’re noise-sensitive and the scene at Toys-R-Us makes you want to throw whistling Elmo and his buddies across the store, tell your kids you need a time-out. (Bring along your husband or a friend so you can leave them safely, if need be.) For me it’s best if I don’t hang out in a bar with a crowd of drinkers, you know, if I don’t want to drink myself.

2. Count to four.

I can’t remember if I learned this pearl in therapy or in first grade. All I know is that breathing is the foundation of sanity, because it is the way we provide our brain and every other vital organ in our body with the oxygen needed for us to survive. Breathing also eliminates toxins from our systems.

Years ago, I learned the “Four Square” method of breathing to reduce anxiety:

•Breathe in slowly to a count of four.

•Hold the breath for a count of four.

•Exhale slowly through pursed lips to a count of four.

•Rest for a count of four (without taking any breaths).

•Take two normal breaths.

•Start over again with number one.
3. Hunt down unrealistic expectations.

Yep, I identify those bad boys every week. I record them on a sheet of paper or (on a good day) in my head and then revise them about 2,035 times during the day. Cataloged are things like: “penning a New York Times bestseller in my half-hour of free time in the evening,” “being homeroom mom to 31 kids and chaperoning every field trip,” and “training for a triathlon with a busted hip.” Listing the more realistic possibilities of actions I can take to inch toward my broad goals (being a good mom, an adequate blogger, and a healthy person) can be extremely liberating.

4. Celebrate your mistakes.

Alright, celebrate is an awfully strong word. Start, then, with accept your mistakes. But I do think each big blunder deserves a round of toasts. Because almost all of them teach us precious, rare lessons that can’t be acquired by success. Nope, the embarrassment, humiliation, self-disgust … all those are tools with which to unearth the gold. Just like Leonard Cohen writes in his song, “Anthem” that a friend of mine tapes to his computer as a reminder to ignore the perfectionist in him:

Ring the bells that still can ring,
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That’s how the light gets in.

5. Add some color.

My therapist often points out that I am color blind. I see the world in black and white. Example: either I am the best blogger in the entire blogosphere or I should throw my iMac into the Chesapeake Bay and become a water taxi driver. Either I am the most involved mom in David’s school or I am a slacker parent who should let a more capable mom adopt her son. Does this kind of thinking sound familiar? In order to get a pair of glasses on my inner zebra, then, my therapist helps me add a few hues to every relationship, event, and goal so that I become a tad more tolerant of life’s messiness, unresolved issues, and complicated situations that can’t be neatly boxed up.

6. Believe in redemption.

Redemption is an odd thing. Because identifying the broken places in your heart and in your life can be one of the scariest exercises you ever do, and yet only then can you recognize the grace that comes buried with every hole. If the journey to the Black Hole of despair and back has taught me anything, it’s this: everything is made whole in time … if you can just hang on to the faith, hope, and love in the people and places around you long enough to see the sun rise yourself. Absolutely nothing is forsaken, not even those relationships and memories and persons that you think are lost forever. Most things are made right in time. So you don’t always have to get it right on the first try.

7. Compare and despair.

The last thing you should do when you’re stressed–which I always do when I’m stressed–is start looking around at other people’s package (job, family support, balanced brain) and pine for some of that. I grow especially jealous of non-addict friends who can enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or those with moms nearby that offer to take the kids for sleepovers. But I don’t have all the information. The mom who takes the kids for the night might also have an opinion for every piece of furniture in your house and her own spare key to your home so she can pop in whenever. So comparing my insides to someone else’s outsides is a fruitless and dangerous game to play, especially when I’m stressed.

8. Learn how to recharge.

Many folks know how to have fun and recharge their batteries. Mentally-ill addicts like myself have to learn this from scratch. With the help of their therapist. After some experimentation I know that spending quiet time by the water (kayaking, running, biking in warmer months), reading spiritual literature, and watching a movie with a friend are all ways that will nurture me so that I can better tolerate stress.

9. Team up.

Think of the buddy system from Boy Scouts. Teaming up with someone means that you have to be accountable. You have to report to someone. Which brings down your percentage of cheating by 60 percent, or something like that. Especially if you’re a people-pleaser like me. You want to be good, and get an A, so make sure someone is passing out such reviews.

Also, there is power in numbers, which is why the pairing system is used in many different capacities today: in the workplace, to insure quality control and promote better morale; in twelve-step groups to foster support and mentorship; in exercise programs to get your butt outside on a dark, wintry morning when you’d rather enjoy coffee and sweet rolls with your walking partner.

10. Categorize your problems.

My therapist is an organizer, so she likes to sort my problems into categories. The effect is fascinating: you feel like you have less of them. When we agree to tackle a class of problems—say “boundaries issues”—then a few tweaks here or there can be applied to a variety of situations. I don’t have to spent time with each hiccup along the way.

11. Make a self-esteem file and read it.

It was my therapist who first told me to ask some friends to list some positive qualities about me, and to keep those lists in a folder that I could read when my self-esteem was below sea-level. Today that folder is the first thing I’d grab in a fire (alright, after the kids). It serves as my security blanket on many afternoons.

12. Look backwards.

Another great exercise my therapist taught me is to look backwards and cull from my past the strengths I used in certain situations. This means that on the afternoons my depressed brain believes death is preferable to life, I say to myself something like: “Self, you have been sober for 20 years!! Weaklings can’t pull off a stunt like that. You’ve got the right stuff, girlfriend. Just hold on.” (The soundtrack to “Rocky” is playing in the background, of course.)

What have you learned?

The last feelings and thoughts of 2009

Well here, it is the end of 2009. The beginning of a new decade is going to start in approximately 30 minutes. As the end of this decade, ends there are many regrets I sit here thinking about within. Today as my mom drove away from her visit here, I wanted to go home with her. I wanted just for someone to want me around and for me to feel truly loved by my family but instead I felt the same as I always have.

I felt unloved and not wanted. I felt I did not matter. Then as I began, thinking about this last year of the decade I remembered how close I came to the end of my life at my own hands. I realized how even when all is going well I still feel empty. I have no one in my life who has ever really just wanted me for who I am no matter who that may be or what I may do. I never really have been accepted unless someone needed something or wanted something from me. Then when they were done with me, I did not matter anymore.

I lost a friend that I really tried hard to keep. She was a good friend for the most part but we all have faults and some of the issues I had with our friendship I allowed to get too far and began to resent the friendship rather than openly talking and working on the things that were too much for me. Well that friendship ended and a new one began. Well I thought two new ones began. but I feel as if I need to just be too myself as much as they are great people and I have no issues with them currently they are just 2 good of people to be around me and my miserable world.

They deserve better friendship than what I will ever be able to give them and they do not need any more distress from me in their lives. I know I sometimes am too much and my hopelessness and despair is frustrating for others. So then, why do I continue to express these things to others rather than just keep them inside? I never can really keep good friends around as these things interfere in the relationship or becomes too much for people who I thought were my friends to handle and understand truly.

My mother and sister left today and I cried as they drove away. I cried because I feel as if I will never be truly, honestly loved by anyone. My family never loved me but they continue to control my life for the most part. I let my life be controlled by others and by my misery. I never will be able to obtain an achievable desired level of happiness within myself to be able to enjoy life and face it as others do. I just want it all to stop and for my life to normalize enough for me to be happy and satisfied with what I have, what I can give, and how I survive.

I want to help others without fucking things up more for them. It seems every time I try to help someone and do as much as I can they end up in a worse situation than they were in before I bothered. So then, why do I bother? Why do I keep thinking I can help and make things better for others? Why is it I think I can do any good for anyone when I have always done nothing but failed?

Alternate Rebellion

Alternate Rebellion: "Give an honest response instead of a polite one
Speak out rather than staying quiet
Dress in a countercultural style
Challenge statements when you disagree
Choose mediocrity rather than drama
Drop out of things that are not effective
Follow your passion rather than your expectation
Wallow in creativity
Give yourself time to play
Explore
Say no to family when they ask for a favor
Leave the light on all day
Get a butterfly tattoo
Write a letter to the editor
Run instead of walking
Turn up the volume
Food fight
Roll down all the windows
Play a different style of music
Leave things out of place
Shout or scream alone
Cheat on a food plan
Kiss your dog on the lips
Wear clothes that don't fit right
Express unpopular political views
Sleep late on Saturday
Wear jeans to church
Throw out plastic containers
Get your ears pierced
Fly a gyrocopter
Turn up the bass on rap music
Look into alternative religions
Buy something impractical
Break out of roles expected of you
Change your color preference of clothing
Do things out of order
Do things out of character
Seek your own interests
Don't cook
Don't clean house
Buy a bird
Go against a suggestion from another
Be yourself with an attitude of 'if you don't like it, don't look.'
Print a slogan on a T-shirt
Buy a bumper sticker
Develop your own web page
Express a diversified viewpoint
Make up your own. . . ."

DBT Skills List

DBT Skills List: "Learning to be mindful, to focus, to breathe will help make the application of the modules be more effective. It is paramount to your success in reducing stress and coping.

Remember: Sometimes the skills will not work. This is when you need to quickly go to the Distress Tolerance module and take taking a vacation from the situation that you are in, practice radical acceptance, do a lot of self soothe, and distract activities.

The key to success is the practice of DBT skills."

DBT Skills List

DBT Skills List: "Using Objectiveness effectiveness: (Dear Man)
D Describe
E Express
A Assert
R Reinforce
M Mindful
A Appear Confident
N Negotiate

Using Relationship Effectiveness: (Give)
G Gentle
I Interested
V Validate
E Easy Manner

Self-respect effectiveness: (Fast)
F Fair
A Apologies (no Apologies)
S Stick to value
T Truthful"

DBT Skills List

DBT Skills List: "Using the What Skills:
Observe
Describe
Participate

Using the How Skills:
Non-judgmentally
One-mindfully
Effectively"

DBT Skills List

DBT Skills List: "Using Crisis Survival: Distraction with Wise Mind Accepts
A Activities
C Contributing
C Comparisons
E Emotions - use opposite
P Pushing Away
T Thoughts
S Sensations

Using Self Soothe with five senses:
Taste
Smell
See
Hear
Touch

Using Improve the moment:
I Imagery
M Meaning
P Prayer
R Relaxation
O One thing at a time
V Vacation
E Encouragement

Using Pros and Cons

Using Accepting Reality:

Willingness

Turning your mind

Radical Acceptance"

DBT Skills List

DBT Skills List: "Using Reduce Vulnerability: (Please)
P & L Treat Physical Illness
E eating
A Altering Drugs (no drugs unless it is medication to be taken as prescribed by your doctor)
S Sleep
E Exercise

Using Build Mastery

Build Positive experiences

Be mindful of current emotion

Opposite to emotion action"

IE Handout 10

IE Handout 10: "1. Be Fair
This means being fair to yourself and the other person in your attempts to meet your objectives. The idea here is that it is hard to like yourself in the long haul if you consistently take advantage of the other person.


2. No Apologies
Apologize when apologies are warranted. No overly apologetic behavior. No apologizing for being alive. No apologizing for making the request. No apologizing for having an opinion. No apologizing for disagreeing.
Apologizing implies that you are in the wrong...Apologizing when you do not believe you are in the wrong will reduce your sense of effectiveness over time. Being able to apologize is a very important skill, and is important for maintaining relationships, however, it gets on people's nerves and can reduce relationships effectiveness


3. Stick to Values
Don't sell out your values or integrity, just to get what you want or keep the other person liking you. Be clear on what, in your opinion, is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting. However, in dire situations, or where lives are at stake, people may decide to give up their values.


4. Be Truthful
Don't lie or act helpless when you are not. Don't exaggerate.
A pattern of dishonesty over time erodes your self respect. One instance of dishonesty may not hurt, but dishonesty as your usual pattern over time erodes your self-respect. Acting helpless is the opposite of building mastery. Sometimes being honest may actually reduce relationship effectiveness. The little white lie was invented for this reason. However, if you are going to lie it should be done mindfully, rather that habitually.
Important notes about self respect effectiveness."

ER Handout 9

ER Handout 9: "Mindfulness of Your Current Emotion


OBSERVE YOUR EMOTION
NOTE its presence
Step BACK
Get UNSTUCK from the emotion


EXPERIENCE YOUR EMOTION
As a WAVE, coming and going
Try not to BLOCK emotion
Try not to SUPPRESS emotion
Don't try to GET RID of emotion
Don't PUSH it away
Don't try to KEEP emotion around
Don't HOLD ON to it
Don't AMPLIFY it


REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTION
Do not necessarily ACT on your emotion.
Remember times when you have felt DIFFERENT


PRACTICE LOVING YOUR EMOTION
Don't JUDGE your emotion. Practice WILLINGNESS
Radically ACCEPT your emotion"

DT Handout 5

DT Handout 5: "WILLINGNESS
Cultivate a WILLING response to each situation
Willingness is doing just what is needed in each situation, in an unpretentious way. It is focusing on effectiveness.
Willingness is listening very carefully to your WISE MIND, acting from your inner self.
Willingness is becoming aware of your connection to the universe - to the earth, to the floor you are standing on, to the chair you are sitting on, to the person you are talking to.
Ask yourself, in 5 years from now, will the situation that causes the distress matter?


WILLFULNESS
Willfulness is like sitting on your hands when action is needed, refusing to make changes that are needed.
Willfulness causes you to fight any suggestions that will improve the distress and thus make it more tolerable.
Willfulness is giving up.
It is the opposite of doing what works, of being effective. Willfulness is trying to fix every situation or refusing to tolerate the distressful moment."

DT Handout 5

DT Handout 5: "RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
Freedom from suffering requires ACCEPTANCE FROM DEEP WITHIN.
It is allowing yourself to go completely with whatever the situation is. Let go of fighting reality.
ACCEPTANCE IS THE ONLY WAY OUT OF HELL WHICH MUST NOT BE INTERPRETED AS APPROVAL OF THE DISTRESSFUL SITUATION
Pain creates suffering only when you refuse to ACCEPT the pain.
Deciding to tolerate the moment is ACCEPTANCE.
ACCEPTANCE is acknowledging what is.
To accept something is not the same as judging it to be good.
By stopping your self from fighting, the rage or anger you feel will dissipate as long as you continue to accept your condition or your faulty perceptions to events or interpersonal communications difficulties. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel when you are able to accept."

Mf Handout 1

Mf Handout 1: "Reason Mind


This is your rational, thinking, logical mind
It plans and evaluates things logically.
It is your 'cool' part.
Reasonable Mind can be very beneficial.
It is easier to be in Reasonable Mind when you feel good.
It is much harder to be in Reasonable Mind when you don't feel good.
You Would Use Your Reasonable Mind To:
Build a bridge
Figure out how to double a recipe
Balance your checkbook
Figure out the fastest way from point 'A' to point 'B'"

Mf Handout 1

Mf Handout 1: "Reason Mind


States of Mind
Reason Mind


This is your rational, thinking, logical mind
It plans and evaluates things logically.
It is your "cool" part.
Reasonable Mind can be very beneficial.
It is easier to be in Reasonable Mind when you feel good.
It is much harder to be in Reasonable Mind when you don't feel good.
You Would Use Your Reasonable Mind To:
Build a bridge
Figure out how to double a recipe
Balance your checkbook
Figure out the fastest way from point "A" to point "B"

Emotion Mind


This describes times when your emotions are out of control -- times when emotions are what influence or control your thinking and behavior.
Emotional Mind can also be very beneficial.
Emotions are what motivate us to action.
Emotions are what keep us attached to others and building relationships.
Emotion Mind can be aggravated by:
Illness, Lack Of Sleep, Tiredness, Drugs, Alcohol, Hungry, Bloating, Overeating, Poor nutrition and/or lack of exercise, Environmental stress and threats
Both Emotion and Reasonable Mind Are Equally Important And Valuable
Reasonable mind gives you a way to solve your problems.
Emotion mind gives you a reason (motivation) to want to solve them.

Wise Mind


Wise mind is the integration of emotional and reasonable mind.
You cannot overcome or control emotional mind with reasonable mind.
You cannot create emotion mind with reason.
You must go within and integrate these two states of mind.
Wise mind is that part of each person that can know and experience truth.
It is where the person knows something to be true or valid.
It is where the person knows something in a centered (balanced) way.
It is almost always quiet and calm in this part of the mind.
Wise Mind - An Analogy for Wise Mind is like a deep well in the ground. The water is at the bottom of the well. The entire underground is an ocean called Wise Mind. But on the way down, there are often trap doors that stop progress. Sometimes the trap doors are so cleverly built that you actually believe that there is no water at the bottom of the well. The trap door may look like the bottom of the well. Perhaps it is locked and you need a key. Perhaps it is nailed shut and you need a hammer. Perhaps it is glued shut and you need a chisel.
Everyone Has A Wise Mind!
Some people have simply never experienced it.
No one is in Wise Mind all of the time.
Emotion and Wise Mind; Confusing The Two
Emotional mind and Wise mind both have a quality of "feeling" something to be true.
Intense emotions can generate feelings of certainty that mimic the Wise mind.
Like in a well, after a heavy storm, water can collect on a trap door within the well. You may then confuse the still water on the trap door with the deep ocean at the bottom of the well.
Wise mind is in your heart (emotions) and in you head (reason). Certainty comes from both.

update

Recently I been having a lot of life changes including losing a friend I had been having difficulties with but yet was unable to be assertive enough and stick up for myself with her because I was afraid to lose her as I did not really have any local friends that were healthy for me mentally. Well now, that friendship is gone. However, I have gained new friends and I think that was part of losing the old one, as she may have been jealous since I was not spending all my time with her. Nevertheless, anyways my new friends have been great. They have helped me emotionally and allow me someone to vent to. It is difficult though since many of the issues I am having are with people who also are their friends and my family. Therefore, it is difficult for my new friends to really comment because they do not want to be in the middle of family issues or drama. I hate being involved with drama and feel it is complicating and overly distressing to be involved in. I try to be a good friend to people and try to help whoever I can but it is difficult since the person I try to help just uses me in my opinion but because they married into the family I feel obligated to help and help and help even when it seems they do not appreciate anything I do and only want to cause trouble and drama. I hate my situation right now but feel my hands are tied. I feel as if I am going to break down but I am trying to stay strong and just deal with the shit because the person is young and needs a chance to grow up on her own but I feel she acts entitled to my kindness and does not really care how her actions affect me. Therefore, why do I continue to allow this I am not sure but I feel it is coming to a breaking point? When I lose my new friends over this, I know I will snap. I also cannot stand feeling trapped and unable to say anything to get support and that is how I feel lately because I am not sure who I can trust and who is really out to hurt me and bring me down. Sending me right into the hospital and lose my son forever. Well this is what is happening most recently. Feedback is welcome as I am looking for some help and suggestions.

update

well it has been a long time since I have written. The reason being is not that I have had nothing to write about or say but it is because I have been very busy building my life the way I desire it to be. my life that I am hoping someday will be a life worth living. at the moment I am schooling and have my son living with me. I also have been doing fairly well. I am still no longer in DBT but can pretty much say I am constantly using my skills even if I have not been consciously using them.

I have had an idea recently regarding asking the new mental health walk in center if I could possibly lead a peer run DBT support group as a volunteer. I am afraid of asking only because I am afraid of be let down by getting an answer of no and feeling as if I am not good enough to do it even though I have the knowledge to do it I have not been consistently stable in my own life for very long so I am afraid they may say no for fear I will fall down.

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Life shows up so often

Last week my carefully planned suicide failed. I am not sure how carefully planned it really was as although I had researched it for weeks and waited until my son left on his trip to massachusettes I only took half the pills I had planned on taken and got high on crack cocaine right before taking them and then although I had planned on cutting my wrist straight up the vein I ended up cutting it on a diagonal. Alls it did was end me up in ICU for 4 days and with 27 staples and 11 stitches in my wrist. It did do some damage to my nerves as my hand is stillnumb halfway through it and i have achy pain near the side where the vein got cut. It also left me with a bunch of days unable to tell you about as their is no memerories from them including the many conversations I had at the hospital. I did manage to stay out of the psychiatric unit although then felt I needed to be in one since I left ICU. I had therapy monday after being discharged from ICU friday and not sure it was very productive or much of it was set in as in my mind I still planned on finishing myself off. I met with my ehs mental health support worker and then decided yesterday after have a major emotionally traumatizing fight with my now ex boyfriend as we broke up I decided that I needed help. I went and tried to get into crisis stabilization and was turned down as I have been there too many times in the past 3 years and have had many problems while in the program so therefore they denied me the service. Instead I am on a crisis plan which just entails that I will still see my therapist which at this point is weekley but had been biweekley and I will also meet withy the crisis coordnator who at one time was my case manager a few times over the next few weeks to try and get myself and my life back on track before classes begin August 24th. School will also give me soemthing more to do once it starts although it in the past has helped keep me somewhat stable I still have not been able to completely organize keep focused keep up or stay stable throughout the whol semester which will end in december so we will see and alls I can do is try for now. I still have the option of killing myself if none of this helps and even if it helps temporarily killing myself is still an option.

Thrown in my face

Well not last night but the night before and into yesterday morning someone I thought really cared and who I had told a brief bit about my dirty past as a child and teenager when I was molested repeatedly for years by my uncles and my moms boyfriend. Now alls I had told him was that I was molested and at what ages. I also had told him about the being emotionally and mentally and physically abused by my mother and that my relationship with my father was on and off and now I choose to have no relationship with him because of how he chose to be during my childhood. The person I was dating and I thought cared through it all in my face confirming what I have always beleived about trusting people with my dirtiness. He confirmed also for me what type of person he was and that he was only here to find my weaknesses and take advantage of them after seeing his friend/cousin had hurt me and taken advantage of me for 8 months. Well this so called man I have been with for 5 months summarized my life for me and let me know that I wanted the abuse as a child. I asked for it and I allowed it to happen. which all these things are repeated things I have believed myself and my therapist has beeen working with me for a long time trying to convince me different. But no even others believe what I beleive. I was molested as a little girl and when it start again at 12 I had already known it was wrong and should not happen. I also was in t herapy at the time and went to an alternative school where I met with my therapist several times a week and neevr said anything. Maybe I did ask for it? Maybe I knew it was wrong and liked it. Some of it did feel good and I also did feel ashamed and guilty at the same time as it was happening although felt as if he was my protector and I owed it to him. He sometimes stood up to and fought with my mother over the way she treated me and would stop her from abusing me physically. Sometimes I felt it was okay and enjoyed it. Other times i felt as if he was sufficating and smothering me and I layed their not really there. Knowing what was happening but yet not really being there. I was there physically and some of my mind was present as I knew what was occuring but yet sometimes i did not feel the sex.
This man who through this in my face has hurt me more than anyone of these people in my childhood. I feel like in the 3 hours he was throwing all this in my face he was in my head and knew everything. He told me things that i had not told him. I feel he undid all I have done in therapy and my trauma group I completed last year even though it was not much and I hardly ever face the sexual abuse issue it was something I brought up with him because he was uncircumcised and the man who molested me from the age of 12-16 years old was the only other uncircumcised mans penis I had seen and when I saw his I panicked the first time and had to tell him that I was abused sexually by my mothers boyfriend/my dads brother from the ages of 12-16 an dhe was uncircumcised and that I sorry for panicking but it caught me off guard. For him to then turn all it on me as I have always done to myself seems to me that it must be true. I wanted it. I enjoyed it. I asked for it. It was my fault. I am a whore and can not say no. I will always be a whore and dirty as I continue to allow men to do what they want even when I tell them NO. I continue to give in when pushed as I did back then. There were many nights I pretended I was sleeping and when he came in my room I would push him away as if I was sleeping and was just moving but yet then would be a pushover and let him do it. Some nights i undressed and slept naked waiting for him to come into my room. Some nights I just wanted him to hurry up and get it over and done with. Sometimes I played into it and enjoyed it. I listened to his talking dirty to me and when he told me "is that what you want" there were many nights I said yes. There were many nights i would talk dirty to him as he was doin what he was doing. Many times I felt sufficated. I still even while writing this and when thinking about it feel as if I am suficated. My chest feels tight. I can feel his heaviness of his body ontop of my chest. I need to go I can nto write no more I have to go get away from this stuff right now.

going through some emotions

My son had his first dte today and when he first asked the girl who was my neighbors daughter I was excited. My son is 14 1/2 years old and not a very outgoing boy as he hasnever been a real socialite. But once he gets to know you he is very friendly and social but not unti feeling comortable. He is not a teenager as there is out there today. He is not criminalized. He is a quiet respectable boy. My son opened the car door for this girl then she went around the other side of the car and said she was going to get in on the other side. Then he bought her supper. Yes mcdonalds but it was with his money he worked for and saved to ake her out and that is where she said she wanted to go. Then he went to the movies and watched th Hanna Montana movie because she wanted to. He did everything a young respectfl boy should do and she is nothing but a slimy loser. Later this evening when she got back hours late he invited her up to sit by the fire. she came up here and brought 2 friends only to leave him by the fire alone and hang on my porch with her friends. He looked so sad ad lonely sitting thee by the fire. I came in the house ater he announcing He is not her type because he is not "GHETTO" or "REDNECK" enough. He is too nice she said. She also said he is too young as she will not date anyone younger than 18 becauseit makes her feel like a child and as if she is molesting them. Well my son is not into sex yet ad as this is his first interest in girls and all that sort of thng and I felt so bad when she rejected him the way she did and is still sitting out there and heis still out there by the fire. I came in and cried as I fel somewhat as if it is mine and my mothers fault for being overly protective and sheler him throughout his life to protect him from being like what society portrays teenagers to be. My son is not the typical teenager and I am glad he is not but in a way I feel like because he has been moved alot and that sort he has not been able to socialize and learn to be social which is somewhat damaging as he is cautious who he hangs and opens up to. I am not sure I am sure alot of the tears is more about me and the experience of being unwanted, not good enough, and never belonging and fitting in. Ii am sure that is where alot of my tears came from is my own feelings about rejection and reexperiencing what I have felt as always being not good enough for anyone. But I am feeling sad right now for him and somewhat angry with her, myself, and my mother for doing this to him.

update lately

Well I guess things have been pretty good lately even if they have been rough. I have not been in the hospital this whole year. Although I cut recently it had been about a month or so since I had last done it until this morning. Although I think it was more about wanting to do it and missing the relief from it more than anything. I had been thinking about it recently but not obsessing over as I have in the past.
Last night I had a very rough night sleep wise as I was tossing and turning throughout the whole night. I was unable to sleep restfully and was back and forth from couch, bed, and to the floor and back all night. At one point I was having some traumatizing dreams about the past as I was a teenager and ended up screamign and yelling in my sleep. Pete said all a sudden I was yelling then sat up from the floor saying just leave me alone and he asked me what the fuck was wrong with me only for me to lay back down and go back to sleep. So althpugh I do not remember waking up or sitting up I did remember somewhat of what was happening in my dream somewhat but not really much now as I have been up since about 6 am this mornign and the memory has faded throughout the day today.
Yes maybe this contributed to my acting upon my urge for some relief through cutting I do not believe that it was that. Since cuttign this morning I had been relieved and pretty calm for most of the day and even as I sat in DBT group today I had been emotionally feeling well today after the cutting this morning. DBT has been going better for me and I have been able to talk somewhat today during group and not just talk about everything else but actually talk about some things going on for me in my life. I think therapy as hard as it has been for me and the trust has not been there although does appear here and there, therapy appears to be progressing. I have been actually facing some things and have lied at times recently to her inorder to prevent her from screwing my future plans up.
My plans did get side tracked and things have been on hold as finaces had not been there for supplies but things have been picking up and life seems to be going for the most part better. I have bought a car and now I plan on cruising for a while as I feel so free and not as trapped as I had been realizing I was and feeling.
My birthday is friday and although I am turnign 30 to me it is no big deal and just another day in my life that I will have to face some of my regrets in my life. My son is here and he will be going on a date with my neighbors daughter. He is 14 and she is 15. I was shocked and very excited for him but as the days get closer I am not liking the idea much as he is all I have left to live for right now and I am not ready to give that up or let go of his needing me.He leaves next Wednesday for a month long trip to massachusettes for some time with my mom as she has raised him his whole life until a year ago. Then he will be starting highschool when he gets back which is also scary to me as I am young and not ready for alot of things in my life. but they need to be done and I need to deal with them. actually face something that may emotionally effect me headon instead of running and avoiding and escaping the emotions.

sent 2 my therapst as i hope she will stop being concerned and ease up as its making it difficult 2 get what i need 2 acheive what i desire

Well be frustrated or be upset with me it is alright. I know when you try so hard to help someone and they cannot will not or choose not to accept it how frustrating and angering it may be. I am sorry I know I should never have manipulated you into giving me that card number and I am sorry but I do want to say you have been helpful in many ways and I just have difficulties accepting what is and that I cannot and never will be able to be who I was when I had my children with me and who I want t to be as I will never and can never be normal. I will never be the perfect American family living the American dream. I am sorry I have been willful and even when I take steps to try and do something that is best for me since I will be on the street with nowhere to live soon I wait every day to find that eviction notice on my door and I wanted to save that money so I would be able to have somewhere to go but I blew it all. I bought a car this weekend and yes I know you had the card but I moneygramed the money to the person and there is now only 33 dollars left so ohwell thank you for trying. I did not buy any pills again as I fucked that up by blowing my money on the car that legally I should not be driving right now as I have not registered it and the plates on it are not mine they are the person I bought it from but it does got a new sticker on it and it drives nice. It is a small little car and it will do me somewhat good as I will now have a place to sleep when I do get evicted. Next month’s check I will change everything over to my name and then hopefully I will not feel as stressed about it but after I did it I was upset for a bit as now I will not be able to order my pills I needed. I did however order that lidocaine which ended up being 50 dollars and I will probably never get it as I know it was mailed and there has been a lot of seizures of out of country packages because of prescriptions. But needless to say if I get it I get it if not I do nt. I dropped my classes at cvcc but am thinking of resigning up for them as obviously I am not going to be dead before then so I need to do something with my life I am however signed up for 2 online classes through 2 other Virginia community classes currently but really need to cancel those ones as I do not have the money for them. I have gone to visit my son today and drove by Dakoata house which I got excited as he had a 2 wheeler outside with training wheels so my little man is growing and getting bigger. He is riding a bike. It made me happy. Then I walked around Kroger for no reason and dollar tree and drove around Rustburg it felt good to have some freedom and get out. I cried a lot Friday night and Saturday night as Pete and I have been somewhat arguing and he told me there has been a few times he has just wanted to walk away and never come back but he cares about me and knows I will hurt myself if he does. I told him I am not real good with relationships and am not used to a normal female male relationship but that I do not just hurt myself because of stuff like that I hurt myself because it is how I cope and a year ago I may have done that but at this moment I would sure not do it if he wanted nothing to do with me. I told him he was not worth it but yet I have wanted to do it so much this weekend just drive away from here and cut but have not I am going to show you all that I do not need to do that just because I hurt emotionally. So I told him he needed to stop the mind games and if he wants to go go now do not stay because you do not want me to hurt myself as it will be worse a year from now I told him if he wants to go and he wants me to leave him be just say so but yet then he says your still pretty and wants to play sexually as I feel like lately this is how it has been a little game ever since I gave in and gave him what he wanted. The many times I tell him no I do not want to and he tells me no means yes when it comes to me I sometimes feel like that’s what I deserve just to be someone’s whore and treated as if I am just good for that but yet other times it angers me feeling as if that is all that is wanted out of me and that is all that is good about me and that is all people want from me. I don’t know I am such a complicated person and my mind is very conflicted it is difficult for me to live with it and figure it out so I know it must be more difficult for others to figure it out. I can go without sex but yet it is what a relationship is based on and without it you are not wanted or good enough to people so I feel it is an obligation but yet then want it to be taken as so I do not have to feel like I gave it up and am just as I was years ago. I have difficulties with it a lot especially now that it involves the person I am with as he is much older and some specific features of his reminds me of my mother’s ex but I am able to fade out of for some time. So it’s alright. Sometimes I wish I did not I wish I experienced the whole thing and could somehow take control and stop it since I did not when I was younger but I still don’t even when I am experiencing it fully and want not to be doing it or be involved. Sometimes it is hard to fade away from it. But it’s alright I don’t care. It seems I don’t care much about anything anymore but I will say since driving around I have felt less anxiety although maybe the few xanex I have been taken recently has helped that somewhat but also I think I am not as feel as if I have to depend on others and that I am trapped as I can just drive out for no reason and drive around amously. And then I really felt good after seeing that bike toady with the little training wheels. It made me feel good. I did email the social worker last week after going to chat with Connie and she did never respond so not sure what’s up maybe she is sick of hearing from me or maybe she had no answers or maybe she found out she was not supposed or I don’t know but she is supposed to be having a baby soon Connie said so I was inquiry as to whether she would be back and if Daniels worker will change and stuff like that but she never did respond do I do not know. Anyways I cleaned Corey’s room for him but yet cannot clean my own house and do not even weed the garden. I am depressed and things have been up and down for some time now but right now I such feel numb not really sad as I cried off and on for a few hours Saturday and been alright with the one thought of driving the car to the mountain just to cut so no one would know about it but decided not to that just cause I was sad and hurt it does not mean I need to hurt myself physically so I have not done it. I think I am alright for now even if I slack on real life such as laundry showering cleaning cooking and shit like that. Well thanks for trying and I am sorry I have fucked it up again. I do try even if it seems I do not and I have not been on the computer that much this weekend and have not been in that chat that I had been for the past 6 weeks so it may be helping as I am not reading and writing so much negativity. I might not be there this week as I have court Tuesday which I really do not want to go I would rather it just to be over with since they have moved but have to go so I do not get issued a warrant for failure to appear after a subpoena had been delivered. And I really not sure about therapy as it is difficult to sit face to face with you. It just feels to vulnerable and you know too much I think and I am not sure I want to expose any more of my fucked up self as I am really not a worthwhile human you should be wasting your time on. I am disgusting and I feel ashamed of something’s I have been involved in in my life and it is difficult to face you one to one after telling you some of the things I told you but yet seems I need therapy and the system as that is why I have survived so long. I have survived because of the system if it had not been here and I had not stayed involved I can almost say with a certain I would have been dead. Maybe I just need another therapist someone who does not know all that nasty stuff and someone who only knows the surface stuff of me such as diagnosis and treatment without going further into reason and cause. I am not sure I am just feeling anxious about being in therapy with you now. I am afraid to face you and of what you really think not just what you tell me and the therapeutic response to what I told you but real thoughts about how nasty and disgusting I am and have been my whole life. I have to go before I let this go to my head obsessively.

another letter to my therapist july 1st

Well I just got in from watering the garden as I had not watered it since I flooded it Saturday night by leaving the water running and forgetting it for at least 5 hours. So that is done. While watering the garden I began to realize that I continue to tell you and everyone else that I do nothing when in fact I do do things. I water the garden yeah maybe I do not weed it and do not take care of it as I should but at least I am doing that. Then I also cleaned the living room Monday evening and fed the chickens sometime this weekend but they need more food as I saw their containers both water and food empty. I also have cooked a few meals the past week and brought it to the neighbors and Pete. For some reason I have no motivation to cook for myself but will eat if it is cooked for me or if I cook for someone else or others. I did shower about 20 times in the past week as it seems that is all I really have been doing a whole lot of besides interacting online although Monday I walked down to social services and applied for cooling assistance which I probably will get denied for since I have been keeping my bills up although have not paid my rent in months. This house had really gotten bad throughout here and there the past few months and I cannot get rid of the fucking bugs and I hate it here. I have socialized with the neighbors both the “normal” and the abnormal neighbors although it has brief but frequent interactions since I cannot be with myself a whole lot although seem to be having difficulties being away from home recently. I did go over Tracy’s for a bit sometime last week but it got too much with the kids and being around people I guess. I think I have been insecure lately but yet social but keeping distance and avoiding and real in-depth interaction with people although I have felt sort of distanced from the world but yet seem to be somewhat at peace with that recently. My need for socialness is being hindered by my desire to distance humans I believe. But any ways I have been doing anything even if I constantly am telling you and everyone else I do nothing and even if it is not what I should be doing of what I would like to be doing or what I expect myself to be doing I am at least doing them. Well guess I am going to try to lay back down as I have done that a few times and have had my stupid guided crap on all night and had been unable to fall asleep as my mind has been racing and a constant merry go around I have been unable to fall asleep even though my body is falling and needs rest my brain is not shutting down enough to relax. Hopefully all this has helped although after the first email I tried to sleep and could not so I water the garden and now I sit here again which I need to try and sleep as I know this does not help me emotionally stabilize when I am not sleeping as I should I end up emotionally out of whack even when nothing is happening emotionally it makes me more vulnerable and I hate vulnerability but yet cannot prevent it when I am not taking care of my physical needs such as eating and sleeping. I have taken myself off coffee for the past 2 weeks although that is not helping either I thought it might help stabilize some of my sleep but no. anyways bye

email to my therapist july 1

I know I asked you to keep the card and I know I need to save the money to move soon. I realize and appreciate your care and concern and know that by obsessing and focusing the amount of time I have been on suicide forums it does not help. But I also know that it is an escape for me and a way for me to avoid the real feelings and emotions that I go through at times. I am sorry that it is difficult for me to express my fear, shame, hurt, and sadness without trying to use it as an excuse to quit. I have a hard time not giving up. I have been fighting my inner self for many years and although there has been many times when I begin to face some of the core issues I have always done what I am doing lately in order to give up and avoid facing what needs to face. You have been very patient with me and I need to try to accept what you have been doing for me over these soon to be 3 years and begin working with you instead of fighting against. I know logically and in my rational mind and quite possibly in my wise mind that I should not fear you and that you are not going to hurt me and I can trust you but for some reason that trust gets to a point and I allow myself to be distrusting and distance myself from you and my treatment. I know you care but do you really. I mean really it is your job so why would I fully believe that I matter rather than the reason you have not said I am a lost cause and go ahead kill yourself is because of ethics and internal beliefs that come along with the job of working in a system as you do. Well anyways this not to say anything except I am letting you know that although suicide crosses my mind a lot and I use it to avoid facing things and it helps a lot to avoid things it actually has been a distraction for me for many years and even when I do not fully put any effort into the thinking and planning of it when distress becomes my reality suicide becomes my life. I am sorry that I have been dishonest about the drugs and I have difficulties trusting you enough to face you and work through things that needs facing but sometimes I think I can do it and begin and then run from it instead of keep going and that is not what I need to be doing and as much as I know this in my rational mind my emotional mind is what I live off more than I should. I know I know the terms and all but I really do not use any of it as I believe the pain must be exposed and not just blocked and dbt believes to live in the moment there is nothing that can be done to change the past so why allow it to be your reality. Well reality is that my past represents how I became who I am and if it was not for my past I may not have the present I have so why would I want to use dbt to to distract and continue avoiding this shit that tears me apart and has allowed my reality to be obstructed. If I was not molested as I child I may not have been as cautious and protective with my children as I was but I may not have allowed him to beat me down believing he was not doing anything even know what I saw got me into the mode of the fear something was happening even if I could not prove it. Now what also happens if I fed that shit into her head by constantly being suspicious of his every action towards her and arguing with him about whether or not he was a diddler and shit like that. Yes I never gave her any details or anything but there was many times I accused him and flipped out in front of her and the rest of the kids because of the uncomfortable things that I witnessed but yet I did nothing about. So how is it I need to lforgive myself for that when I am not even sure if I am the cause of it. Also when he had that sexual psychological profile done and it came back that he was not interested in her age group or young children but at the end of the report it stated that although prepubescent children was not his interest many times and adult parent will violate the child to get back at the other parent. I made him that angry at me that he would hurt and violate my little girl. The little girl he was so protective of and always suspicious of others around and never wanted anything to happen to her. I am not sure of the reality of any of that just like the reality of me being in a situation that was not my fault. Well I have so reality for you yes maybe Stephen came onto me the first time but I never tried to stop it it felt good even if there was many nights I did not want to be bothered I still layed there waiting for him like he told me to. When he said to go to bed with no clothes on I went. There was many nights where I was awake and pretended to be asleep and there were many times towards the end when I got sick of it but I still kept doing it. That is how it is sometimes now. I am dysfunctional when it comes to sexual relationships as I want somehow for it to be not my decision and I tend to just do it just for the pleasure of the man. But lately a lot has been happening as Pete has not been one to be all about himself when it comes to sex and I for one am not used to that and for two do not like it. I want a man to just do what he wants and get it over with then go about your business and yeah that is not in reality what a relationship healthy anyways entails but I cannot cope with the performance he expects although what kind of of person am I really to act as I was when I was back then and seduce men that really I hardly know and back then I did not know any of them mind you Corey has no father and all these years I will say it is probably shames but in reality he is probably one of the many guys I would expose my body to while roaming the town and end up having sex with behind bushes or wherever else we happened to land. I was a whore a slut and lately I have gone through this whole thing with Pete telling him that is what I am and why not treat me like that but yet when all this shit happens I feel disgusting and want to hide. He won’t leave me alone though he has grown feelings for me where I do not believe I am capable of having healthy feelings for a man. I actually pick arguments with them when many of the things are minimal or I should not care about but I will pick an argument expecting him to walk away and not come back of do something to me physically hurt me like I deserve. I am not sure like when this stuff is going on it is like autopilot it seems I am aware of it I witness it I in my mind can acknowledge to myself this is wrong I should not be doing this stuff but yet seem to not be the one in control of the actions and what comes out of my mouth and although I will tell myself I need to stop doing this stuff it feels I am incapable of controlling it and as if something else controls it the same way my automatic thinking about suicide. I hardly think about cutting as a release and a way to cope anymore. I mean I think about cutting but I am much more able to tell myself that does not help but unless I cut deep but yet I am not worth wasting my energy on to do that even anymore instead I change my thinking to suicide. I am not going to kill myself I just have been trying to give myself that security so that it does not take my life over as it has been lately. If I have the means I will not need to plan anymore and won’t have to dedicate my every waking hour of thought on how to keep it from people how to make people think everything is all right and nothing is going on and everything is getting better. I will have the answer for my pain readily available and will be able to focus more on the moment and what I am experiencing and how to get myself out of what I have put myself into and how to refocus myself and go back to school. And what I really want from life and the future. I know it is difficult for you to grasp some of this as maybe you have not been in my shoes but this is my reality for the most part. I gave you my card to prevent me from blowing it all up on crack as yes I have done well with with it but not without using anything I have overused Benadryl, I had taken a few loritabs and percocets last week along with the past 2 months maybe 3 months I have smoked weed every few weeks although last week I smoke twice in one day and then for the next 2 days after that and then stopped that. Yes I spent 200 dollars on crack on the 1st of last month and I smoked $60 with Mandell right before he was arrested well actually him me and Pete. And then last week I smoked a 20 with Pete on Tuesday night and then a 40 with him on Wednesday and have not touched it. Yes that means 4 times this past month but there was like a 16 day period I did not and no nothing got better for me and I did not feel better about myself. Before the 1st I had not touched it since the beginning of may like the 3rd I believe do not quote that date for sure but yes I was doing well as I believe it was the beginning of may where I spent a whole lot of money and went through 35 grams with Pete and I in 3 days and still we owe the dealer 450 dollars. But you know what maybe that is my destiny maybe that will be what takes me out of here but I gave you the card as I already know that tonight or tomorrow I will be smoking money or no money it is a given when you are fucking someone who does not want to do anything with his life and does not need to stop as it does not cause him difficulties. When you act like trash you become trash and that is what I have become basically. I have become a poor excuse for human being but yet I still keep going why. Cause what I am a fighter well how long before I lose that in me too just like everything else that seems to have gone down the drain and is unburyiable. How long before I become the crackwhore I hate and have sworn to it that it will not be me. Or have I already become that even when I am not smoking crack. How long before you decide to let me go and walk away. When will I gain some real peace. Last week there was this inner peace as I planned my suicide and the days got closer that I never felt now I feel like a coward. I feel as if I am a waste of time. There I go starting argument for nothing he wants me to go to sleep as I have mayube slept 6 hours since I woke up Saturday or Sunday I am not quite sure as the days seem to be all the same lately. I slept many hours last week and felt relieved and at peace with things and inside after meeting with you then this sleep shit started I think Friday and it has not ended. Now I can’t sleep and I am not tired like my body feels tired but my mind does not shut off enough I feel weak kind of muscle wise and my arms and legs feel weird but yet I cannot sleep. Well anyways I would appreciate it if u just give me the numbers off the card and then I will not be able to get money for crack and blow it but I would like to pay for my sons online Xbox 360 live as I had promised since he is unable to use it as it expired the 26th and is dysfunctional until we reinstate his membership. I also need to pay his 30 dollars for his world of warcraft account and would like to keep the rest on the card so I will spend 55 dollars and that will leave me 550. I know you are concerned but things are okay the pill stuff and suicde forum chats and my chats with others online have been investigative for the most part and just an escape and security for me lately. I am sorry I mentioned but I have great difficulty concealing that stuff as at times it dies concern me when it becomes constant thinking and and my life seems as hopeless as it has for me lately even if it is not and I have made progress it just is a feeling and not an action. I can feel whatever comes to me but I do not have to action one my feelings or my thoughts and I am not going to. Thank you for bearing with me and helping as you have and I am really sorry I have wasted your time and took you for who you are not. I am sorry my expectations of you have been so high and expecting you to do for me more than what I have been doing for myself. I will try harder and hope we can get working with each other instead of against each other as you have put a lot into helping me without me trying to help myself. I think my mind is becoming wacked somewhat as I feel as things are going in circles and not coming out clear. I really honestly believe I may need to get on some sort of medication soon to get myself out of this but I also do not believe I need a forever pill as I had learning to live and believe in life and enjoy some of life in the past so I am capable of doing again. Good night or morning whatever you want to call it I need to try to sleep.

C:\Documents and Settings\Teresa\My Documents\signature.html

Letter to my therapist

Marianne,

I know today was somewhat of a start and I realize it is much easier for me to write about stuff rather than face you and talk about it. This is somewhat of what needs to happen for me to work through stuff but it is scary. I feel like it is difficult for me to get into it and when I begin to I start and then shutdown and close up. I know you have heard it all before and you are not going to see me any different but yet I feel like it is too hard to do and I tend to push you away as I feel things are beginning to get to a point where I begin to be able to open this stuff up and face. It is very difficult just sitting there in that room with you talking to you about things I have never talked about. Yes it is much easier for me to open up by writing but not sure it really does me much good since I am more distanced when writing and not so much involved in the shame and guilt that runs through me as I sit there feeling exposed and like a fucking tiny ant under a microscope. Sometimes even after writing to you it is hard for me to come into therapy without feeling as you are looking me over and trying to see the damage I have and it sometimes feels like I have things in big red bold letters all over me telling everyone to use me I am easy hurt me and whatever else I think at different times. I need to face this stuff but yet sometimes feel incapable of dealing with it and being unashamed. I felt like shutting down today and at times I did. It always seems when this shit comes up I have to throw up the wanting to kill myself. It is usually deterrence for me and a way I am able to get others to get away from the subject but it was not working today. I sometimes feel like by wanting to kill myself I won’t have to face anything and actually expose any of the secrets I hold inside. I have struggled a lot lately with trying to find a good enough reason to give up and let go but even facing some things I have been doing and exposing the secrets somewhat has not given me an actually good reason to go through with it. When I came to see you it was difficult and things have been going on that have caused me some panic and fear. I feel sometimes like I am who I was back when things happened and I knew they should not have been going on but I was unable to say anything. I allowed the stuff to go on knowing it was wrong. I felt as the was the only way to have someone care about me and he showed me I mattered. Now I place myself in situations or set up stuff that places me back then when I felt it was what needed to be done to be cared about. I felt special I feel wanted. No one ever cares or wants me around unless sexual things occur. I have set myself up to feel not in control. Sometimes I think I want it even when I feel I do not. I place myself in whatever happens and I have set the basis for things to happen. Back when I was a younger I think I did the same types of stuff. I slept with many people and placed myself in dangerous situations to feel something. Sometimes I am just numb and need to feel something anything. I feel helpless a lot but yet it has been my fault. I have teased men only to feel helpless when they want to do things. I had a difficult time this morning as a situation that has been playing out for some time now came close to happening I kind of panicked as I had not been exposed to that since I was a teenager and a whirl of confusion messed with my mind and I had to get away. I know none of this matters really because writing about just distances me from it and I feel unthreatened but t yet I cannot say it and be okay. I wanted to hide from you as it seemed alls you do is look at me and see the disgustingness of me. Sometimes I feel as if everyone knows and can tell all the nasty shit I have done. I violate myself and have allowed myself to be violated at the expense of being wanted and cared about and have placed myself in this stuff my whole life. When you give people mixed messages what can you expect. You cannot expect to play with fire over and over again without being burned. I sometimes feel I deserve the pain I expose myself to and then other times I can see that I need to run and hide and get away but yet I am trapped there is nowhere to go and I have no way of getting there. I have never been able to get away. I have always felt incapable and helpless. I feel like it is out of my control. I cannot control what happens. I can’t control how he made me feel but yet I know it is wrong and should not be happening. I have felt weird through the years know he is my father’s brother and my mother’s boyfriend but yet I still chase it wait for it and need it. I needed it. I am not quite sure how I get through each night but it continued for a long time. I sometimes feel like I pursued it back then and now. My head has been pounding for hours and I have cried and been hurt and talked and screwed my mind up all day. I felt relieved for a bit and felt okay like some sort of strange mellow peace overcame me for a bit. Then I broke after getting home and being by myself for a while then I have cried off and on and wanted to give up on living. Trying to plan it out right and wanted this all to stop wishing life would stop but it won’t it just keeps going and I must keep struggling as things happen. I must keep allowing it in order to get by. I have been so confused today and feel unorganized and unable to get away. My head hurts I have cried I have thought I have felt unable to face this but I am done. I need to do something. I have wanted to hide from it. I want to hide from you. I know what you think and I know it’s not far from the truth but I will get away I can escape it. Right now I just have to experience and feel it. I need some sleep I want to cut and not feel what I feel but I cannot escape. I do not think that is going to get me out of this. I am not sure that is the answer anymore. Maybe I need to go where no o ne knows who I am and what I do but every time I seem to do that it seems they can see it and it is like I hold a huge sign up above me telling everyone who I am what I have done and how to get me to do what you want me to do. I hate being me. I hate doing what I do. I hate existing. Why am I still here? Why am I still fighting for the impossible? What is all this going to lead to? I need a reason. I need for someone to let me give up and be okay with it. I want it to be okay to give up and for people to accept me as the quitter I am and have always been. I need someone to help me finish.

confusion and peace within

Somethings changed and I am not really sure how or why or when this happened. I am not sure I can even pinpoint the change but I know it is there for now and not sure whether it is good, bad, or indifferent.
I do not have the energy to figure out what has changed but I know that I have thought about cutting just to prove to myself it has not. Yes cutting has crossed my mind but lately it feels more like it is not the answer to anything anymore. Lately I feel like life is so unpredictable but yet appears somewhat predictable. It appears life is more than it really is and people make it out to be an important thing when really it is nothing more nothing less. I have felt somewhat as nothing really is what I have always felt it was. Things happen and I feel it but yet can not escape it anymore then I wanna run and hide.
I have thought about suicide and really am not sure how I feel about it lately although it seems definitive and an end to a lot of pain and suffering. I guess it just has not really been the option I have been looking for and seems to just be my way of escaping what I have or have nto been going through in these almost 30 years of life. I am not quite sure is what I so desire anymore but I am not sure I desire or want anything that I used to. Committing suicide takes a lot of energy to finally commit to and go through with. It takes a build up of courage which I can not achieve.
This it ran through my head several times about needing hospitalization, needing medication, needing more than what I have been doing in life. If I ever really want to get somewhere and where I want to get I am not sure but I may need more than this. I do not know what I need or what I want. I amk not sure about much lately except the feel of fakeness. People do not understand I am not normal. They do not understand I can play the part ofr just so long before I can not do that anymore. No one really sees or understands that I am not who I make myself seem like. But then who am and how am I supposed to be.
Lately there has been a lot of change within me but yet I am not sure how. I know some of it has been my realizing I want to cut but just not doing it because it is not going to work for what I want to erase. I also have realized that I use the talk of killing myself and dying as an escape from whatever I am facing or feeling inorder to avoid what is reality or not. I am not even sure the energy I put into attempting suicide has ever really been there as if it was I would have already achieved it. I am beginning to realize there is somesort of peace within me that is there asnd no matter how much people try to break through it it stays lately.
I can not be in a relationship as I can not be with myself. Relationships are commitment sthat I can nto make. I can not make the commitment to someone else that I can not make to myself. I can not continue struggling to be what I think is expected of me or that I believe others want me to be. I can not be a mom. I can nto be a girlfriend,. I can not be a neighbor. And I sure can not be a friend. As I try to play these roles I find I only hurt the people on the other side of the relationship more than I am hurting and I do not want that. I do not like to or want to hurt anyone. I am not sure I really want to hurt myself anymore. But I also am not sure what else to do so what have I been doing popping whatever pills I can and sleeping. Hoping the answer will be there when I wake up. Bbut it has not come to me yet.
I was up all night crying and wanting to escape as at times it was hard to breathe trying to talk through the confusion and make someone understand they do not want to be with me as I have too many issues. Alls it did was make me more confused as they claim they will be here through whatever and they need me right now as they are having difficulties. I try to explain the complication of myself to him trying to get him to see the difficulties I have in relationships and life. But he is blinded it is as if a lot of people are blinded and all I do is hurt them. I do not want to hurt others. I do not want to be hurt. But yet I am drawn into and live in a world that thrives on hurt. The world is nothing more than a big revolving place to be hurt. It thrives on people suffering and I am not sure that is what I want anymore. I am not sure I want much anymore. I just want to keep the peace whether that means I stop breathing and no longer exist or whether that means something more I am not sure. I am just allowing myself as confused and conflicted as I am to be with it and experience it right now. I am not sure the peace is not numbing but it is acceptable for me right now.

Swidget 1.0

Feeling conflicted and abandoned I guess for lack of better wording

In some way I am some what confused about feelings maybe more thoughts than feelings. I do not know I guess what it is. I keep feeling sad and as if I am on the brink of breaking down in tears. I feel let go. I know she said she was not giving up on me but it seems this is what happens after the 2 1/2 years mark with most therapists I have if it even makes it that far. I feel somewhat of a fuck her attitude regarding her attitude lately but yet I also feel as if I am the lost cause I have always believed I am. In some ways I know deep down I probably do not need therapy anymore as I do know what I need to do in life but yet i am torn between the determination, dedication, desire, confidence, competence, and possibly the ability within myself to doing all this and the hopelessness, helplessness, capabilities, desperation, and possibilities of really being able to get through much more and living instead of just managing life. Although I am an educated soemwhat streetwise and intelligent person I always fall into the helplessness and dependence on others even when I do not trust anyone I trust people too much. I am an independant person and fight for my ability to be independant and tell people of my not needing them or anyone but yet I am very dependent on others. I do not survive without socialization and needing people around me. I want peace within myself and my life but yet I love to get right in the mix when there is chaos occuring I am right up in it but yet then can nto really stand the drama and chaos/ I am conflicted. I hate to be alone but yet when I have someone here I want them gone but when they leave I get angry they leave me here. I live alone and like it but yet I hate being here at my place alone. I hate living with people but hate living alone. I guess with all the therapy and mental health treatment I have gotten since the age of 4 by time I turn 30 next month I would have been in treatment more than out of treatment and never really gotten as far as expected. It seems people expect progress or expect degress but yet i am pretty much more always at a stand still. Yeah I progress a but but i degress a bit also. It seems I have never really moved in any direction permantly or gone in one direction for long cause if I am going forward I end up going backwards shortly after and flip flopping back and forth rather than continuing on one path or the other. Am I even making any sense probably not but yet I think this way constantly. I begin to trust someone or something and then for no apparent reason I become cautious and then have no trust in them and become suspicious and unable to express anything to them really. I am liked by many but yet then I try to push these same people that like me to hate me. I am a jealous person I guess and causes me anger and disgust where none should be. I feel I need someone else to take control over me and my life but yet fight tooth and nail when anyone takes any sort of control away from me. I want to be controlled but yet want to be in control. I want to die so desperatly want ot end my life but yet have had some sort of fear of what I may do to myself recently. I wonder what will happen when I am gone. How will people feel? Will it effect thier lives to a point that it interferes with them or will they be able to cope and move one quite quickly. will they be angry with me or will they understand my inability to face my pain anymore? I am not sure all these things I have been questioning alot within myself lately. Why? I am not sure. I do well but yet I really do bad. Things improve in my life and with me and my situation and I sabotage it and make my life worse I guess. I do things with others and seem fine but yet deep down I am not happy not smiling not enjoying myself but yet it seems I am at times. I dont know any more. I am gonna go for now.

Confliction with my mind and feelings i guess

In some way I am some what confused about feelings maybe more thoughts than feelings. I do not know I guess what it is. I keep feeling sad and as if I am on the brink of breaking down in tears. I feel let go. I know she said she was not giving up on me but it seems this is what happens after the 2 1/2 years mark with most therapists I have if it even makes it that far. I feel somewhat of a fuck her attitude regarding her attitude lately but yet I also feel as if I am the lost cause I have always believed I am. In some ways I know deep down I probably do not need therapy anymore as I do know what I need to do in life but yet i am torn between the determination, dedication, desire, confidence, competence, and possibly the ability within myself to doing all this and the hopelessness, helplessness, capabilities, desperation, and possibilities of really being able to get through much more and living instead of just managing life. Although I am an educated soemwhat streetwise and intelligent person I always fall into the helplessness and dependence on others even when I do not trust anyone I trust people too much. I am an independant person and fight for my ability to be independant and tell people of my not needing them or anyone but yet I am very dependent on others. I do not survive without socialization and needing people around me. I want peace within myself and my life but yet I love to get right in the mix when there is chaos occuring I am right up in it but yet then can nto really stand the drama and chaos/ I am conflicted. I hate to be alone but yet when I have someone here I want them gone but when they leave I get angry they leave me here. I live alone and like it but yet I hate being here at my place alone. I hate living with people but hate living alone. I guess with all the therapy and mental health treatment I have gotten since the age of 4 by time I turn 30 next month I would have been in treatment more than out of treatment and never really gotten as far as expected. It seems people expect progress or expect degress but yet i am pretty much more always at a stand still. Yeah I progress a but but i degress a bit also. It seems I have never really moved in any direction permantly or gone in one direction for long cause if I am going forward I end up going backwards shortly after and flip flopping back and forth rather than continuing on one path or the other. Am I even making any sense probably not but yet I think this way constantly. I begin to trust someone or something and then for no apparent reason I become cautious and then have no trust in them and become suspicious and unable to express anything to them really. I am liked by many but yet then I try to push these same people that like me to hate me. I am a jealous person I guess and causes me anger and disgust where none should be. I feel I need someone else to take control over me and my life but yet fight tooth and nail when anyone takes any sort of control away from me. I want to be controlled but yet want to be in control. I want to die so desperatly want ot end my life but yet have had some sort of fear of what I may do to myself recently. I wonder what will happen when I am gone. How will people feel? Will it effect thier lives to a point that it interferes with them or will they be able to cope and move one quite quickly. will they be angry with me or will they understand my inability to face my pain anymore? I am not sure all these things I have been questioning alot within myself lately. Why? I am not sure. I do well but yet I really do bad. Things improve in my life and with me and my situation and I sabotage it and make my life worse I guess. I do things with others and seem fine but yet deep down I am not happy not smiling not enjoying myself but yet it seems I am at times. I dont know any more. I am gonna go for now.

Left therapy hopeless and abandoned then sent this email to her with no response

So it is that simple I guess. Not quite sure it really is as simple as you just made it. I feel so hopeless right now. There is nothing left to fight for. Nothing to keep going. The drive home felt like forever trying to hold the tears in. I guess reality is hitting. I see the fight is gone there is nothing really worth holding onto. No one is really reliable. I see how simple is for people to just walk away and let go of. Why is it that people can let go of me so easily but yet I have such a hard time letting go of people places or things. Have you decided I am not worth it no more. I know things are just difficult and I am not really doing anything but I told you that 2 years ago. You are just now confirming that. Are you giving up? I gave up a long time ago. I knew there was never a chance. There never has been a chance. Why now? What did I do this time rather than all the other times when I wanted you to give up and see things were never going to get any better. I guess this is it. I guess its up to me now. Not sure I am strong enough to make it through but do u you really think that I ever believed that anyone really ever cared and was going to fight for me? NO, I never could really trust or believe any of you. I never said you had to do case management that was something you took on. Yes you could have let go a few months back when I was not seeing Pam but that was a decision you made or the agency made or whatever. I am not sure. Why now throw it back in my face. Okay so maybe I do not know all that is happening but neither do you. Yes it may seem I have control over so much but when things are happening it just feels I have no control. I know you say these things are up to me to control but I just CAN NOT control any of it. Yeah decisions are a struggle for me but yet it seems when I do make a decision it is never the right one. Even when it is a decision that is good for me it seems all it is chalked up to be in my mind is not what it really is. I sometimes really believe things will get better but it appears that is not ever going to happen. I can not do this on my own but yet it seems I am alone in this world. Sometimes when I am around others even doing some of the things I do I feel normal. I feel okay but inside I know this stuff is wrong but can not stop it. Just like when I was a teenager I knew the stuff should not be going on it was wrong but yet I felt trapped like there was nothing I could do about it. I did nothing about it. I just kept allowing it to happen and when it happened it felt like I mattered and someone really cared about me. Things in my life currently feel the same way. I hang out with people. Do things with them. Drugs, sexual stuff, codependency stuff and in the midst of it it seems okay. It seems there is really normalcy in my life but when I am alone by myself and I think about it and feel trapped in it. I know it is not the right things, I know its not having a life, I know it is not what “NORMAL” people do but yet its my destiny I guess. I feel so unable to really control it even though you say it is within my control. Sleeping forever seems so contentful but yet so scary so I am living some fantasy trying to live in a fucked up world, a fucked up life, trying to convince myself that NORMALCY is possible. I suppose what I am doing now is the most peace I will have within my life. This actually may be the most normal things have ever been for me. I am not sure maybe the life I am leading currently is normal! Yeah I am sleeping a lot. Yeah I am socializing. Even if that socialization costs me. What does it cost? Material things? Who cares? Money is not everything! Do I need it probably not. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests basic needs food, water, and shelter as a foundation for all humans. I am not sure any of that is what is need for me to achieve the contentment I am seeking. I have food water, and shelter. I have more than that but still have no foundation My son is sleeping and was when I walked in the door. I feel so alone but yet he is here my dog is here and I have people in the neighborhood I could go see but yet I sit here writing this wondering why I even bother. I always believe there is something I am missing and try to seek it but yet can not figure out what it is. If I never know I am always seeking something that has no true way of helping me since it is not ever really missing. I never had a whole lot to begin with so really what is it that I am seeking or missing? I know a lot of this probably does not seem valid to you or anyone else but there is a void that no matter what I do never really fulfills anything. That void was there before my kids were born it was there as a child and now it is still here. Yeah my kids may have blocked it but I felt a void somewhat then. Not to the extent I feel it now but it was there. I never really do as well as I expect and anything I ever expect to work does not work. Anything I allow others to lead me towards that is supposed to work or help ends up not what I expected. If I always fail then why keep trying. If I do not try then I won’t fail. That also means that I will never succeed either. So it is a no win situation but also seems that trying has not helped either. I still fail and can not seem to succeed.

letter to my baby girl

June 10, 2009
Winter
Each day that passes as you grow I wonder how you are. I have wondered about you for a while now and wish I was with you as you grew. I know that you were very young when all this separation occurred. I feel guilty for not spending more time with you. When you were born there were many things happening and there was so much chaos happening in our family. Dakoata was soon to turn 1 year and Autumn and Daniel returned home from foster care when you were 9 days old. During the transition for them to come home from foster there were many things going on and your father and I just had never been able to get along. I feel ashamed for not giving you the time as I was able to give to the other kids and I apologize for not giving you what you deserved and needed. You were a great baby although you just could not handle all that was happening around you. Deep inside it hurts me to know I was unable to care for you the way you needed and to keep things calm around you in order for you to develop and grow as you needed. I am sorry I was unable to be the mom you needed. Since that day that I lost you I have had many regrets for those 11 months we were together. There were many struggles and I know you need more than what I was able to give you. I can not take any of what happened back and I know you do not even know me as your mother. I never deserved to have children and sometimes wish I ad listened to others when they told me not to have anymore that the ones I had was enough. I do not regret having you. You are such a beautiful girl and I wish the best for all of you in the future. I only hope that your life is happy and full of joy as you grow. Things have not been easy for me and at times it has seemed somewhat bearable since losing you. But deep down is this emptiness and sorrow that can never be filled as hard as I try to lesson the pain I have I am still hurting. I know things are better for you without me and wish that you were old enough for me to explain all this to you when we parted our lives and went our separate ways. I still see your smile from time to time as you learn each new thing. I am sorry I had to give you a poor start to life which at this time is such a precious thing for you to have. I wish I could say the same for my life but I know your life is deserved. I wish you all the best in the future and want for things to be normal for you as you grow and with each new day steps closer to your goals and dreams that you may have or will some day have. You are a tough little girl and I love you so much. I want you to know and someday understand that the path I am taking is not the path I want for any of you kids. I never want for you to hurt and even think about doing anything that I am doing. I want for you kids to follow your dreams and enjoy life. It is too late for me but it is not too late for all of you. Keep those smiles on your faces and stay strong. Know in your heart I loved you so much and just could not handle being here without all of you. It has torn me and caused me heartache being separated from you and fearing never seeing any of you again. None of this is any of your faults as I have a hard time facing life and all that comes with it. I am not doing this to cause any of you hurt or sorrow but to give you all finality in your lives knowing I am not out here looking and waiting for you. I love you and your sister and brothers and wish you all the best.
Love you Always,
Mom

my thoughts at the moment

I am so tired of being used by people in my life specifically men. i try hard to get away from situations that I do not like or things I do not want to do and what happens men come around and fuck with my mind. I want an escape away from all this. I want them to go away and stay away. I would liek for all their people to stop calling my house and when they do for these men to be men and tell these people to stop calling here and that they do not want to be bothered. But no instead these supposed men or should I say little boys refuse to answer the phone to the people and the people call numerous times and then when and if I answer then I have to lie and say these little boys are not here when they really are. These people who call for them know they are here and know I am lying. These 2 men play off of eachother telling these people the other is here and so on and so forth so I am caught in the middle of all their bullshit. Then one of the huys wants to be with me just to use me and it always ends with us arguing but then he eventually comes back. I no longer have care for him I kinda am rageful about him but yet then he tries to be so nice when he wants to get back on my good side but then treats me like shit again and again. Then the other man is a great guy and he treats me very good almost seems too good to be true but he has been doing this for quite a while but I am just afraid to get involved. He has some faults and is involved in stuff that I want to stay away from but yet when he is around it is hard not to want to do those things or to stay away from it. Yes at times he is helpful and stays away from it for my sake mostly but then atleastI every few weeks it starts over. I have tried to get away from ehre and want to move so much but cant for some reason. People here like me and I am not quite sure why but I also am not sure where I would go and I know if I go into the shelter my son can not spend nights with me and where will I take him during the day to spend time with him since alls he wants to do while he is here is playing on the computer or play on his xbox. If I have no place for him to do that then he will not want to spend time with me plus it is not really comfortable weather for him to be outside hanging at a park or something and I know he will not want to do that. I feel trapped here/ I do not see an escape away from here. Why is it I always seem to get involved with negative peopel and why is it I can not stay to myself and keep people away from and for me to stay away from them. I think I would be alright if i could learn to stay to myself and not be such a people person. If I could hibernate I would be alot better off. but for soem reason I can not. I have less than 2 weeks to my planned date to escape all this pain and misery but still have not been able to get enough shit to carry my plans out. So what do I do? How do I obtain the means to do myself in if no one is willing to help obtain the need shit and I have no means of obtaining the shit currently but yet I am desperate. I want out of this world and the pain I endure day in and day out.

Some stuff about DBT

The four main modules that are taught in DBT are Mindfulness (balancing emotional mind and reasonable mind to be in Wise mind, avoiding judgments), Interpersonal Effectiveness (being assertive, not compromising your values, paying attention to what someone is saying, setting and keeping boundaries, self respect along with respect for others), Emotional Regulation (helping yourself to not get stuck in a mood or caught in an emotion, keeping your body healthy which helps regulate your mind and lessons vulnerability) and Distress Tolerance (not allowing a problem to get bigger than it is, self-soothing, acceptance, tolerating emotions without allowing them to take over).
Some of the skills seem as though they are common sense if in the wise mind, but I have found personally that they can aid in many situations which usually occur when not in wise mind and put me right in my emotional mind. A main goal of DBT is to help ourselves build "A Life worth Living". I personally had a big problem paying attention because my mind was always busy with worries and I just can not focus on one thing at a time and allow my emotions and my past to get in the way of me moving on in life, but by simply using the five senses to immerse yourself in whatever it is that you are doing at that moment you can avoid careless mistakes and calm anxiety, even if just for that moment that is all it is for.
If you’re interested in additional information about DBT or the skills used try googling Marsha Linehan and DBT, there are many helpful sites including one I go to often dbtselfhelp.com.
When I actually go to my DBT group we are supposed to fill out a diary card daily throughout the week about several aspects of the days and use of the skills, although none of us in our group really do it: alcohol consumed, over the counter meds, prescription meds and illegal drugs. We also rate how we felt on a scale of 0-5our suicidal ideations and misery. We also add if we had any urges to hurt ourselves and if we acted upon those urges. We also keep track of what skills that we used. I will elaborate on the skills more in another entry.
Every week the group goes into more detail about each of the core skills and allows us to share some of our frustrations and our success' with the use of the skills. It also allows us to help others understand skills they may be having difficulties with and for us to recognize our own use of the skills.
If you are already in DBT I would love to hear from you about how your groups are run and any skills that you may have in addition to the ones listed. Maybe we could exchange information and help each other have better understandings of the skills and there use in our own daily lives.

My hopelessness lately

Each day that passes I create more misery in my world. I try to fit in with others and be accepted but i really am not. They are just wanting me around to be as miserable as they are. I have never had a problem with people liking me but it has always been people who don't have anything to offer me as far as happiness and stability. it has always been drug addicts or people just as unstable as I am. I have always fit in well with these people and do whatever they do. I have now had a friend for about 8 months who has been good to me and helped me do some positive things in my life and now have completely almost pushed her out of my life because of my using drugs and inability to stabilize for any period of time because when I am not using drugs I am trying to kill myself or using self harm to cope with my feelings and thoughts about myself, my current and past life, and all that has happened in my very long 29 years of life. this all began with me as a little girl taken from my home and ripped from my family only for the foster home to not want me and for me to end up in a residential for troubled children where i was very angry little girl and learned to hurt others when i was angry. after several years of that i went home to my mom only for her to abuse me in many ways and for her boyfriend to sexually abuse me after 4 years of this and six weeks after my son was born i tried to kill myself and ended up in a psychiatric hospital ever since i then my coping has been to hurt myself but avoid hurting others physically because i am so angry at the world and myself especially for allowing my life to get this way and being unable to do anything about it and when i try to do something i end up in a worse mess than i was in before i tried stabilizing. now over the past 2 years drugs has become an alternative to cutting myself but yet i still yearn for the cutting since it is the only things that has truly relieved my emotional suffering. when i am using drugs with these people it is because they are or want to even when i don't want to or i feel i should not be i do it anyways. i continue to do this and try to move away from these people that i involve myself with but yet when i do i just get involved with others who are deeper into it. I have tried to kill myself more than a dozen times in the past 2 almost 3 years and have done nothing except end up in ICU a few times and end up in the psychiatric hospital or a crisis stabilization program for a few days to a couple weeks. Nothing is changing. nothing is getting better it pretty much as increasingly gotten worse. I increasingly try to get my life together and then fall flat on my face deeper in the ground than before i tried to get out of the trenches i have dug. my family hardly even calls me unless they or someone else needs something from me money or food and so on and so forth. although my life is at its stablest it has been in so long. i have a place to live. I pay my utilities. I have food in my house. I am in school and have been taking classes with straight A's for 2 semesters now and everyone wants me to get a hold of this and pull through all right i am not sure that is what I want. I want to just end it all. I am debating on pulling my ceiling apart to expose the framing and test my weight upon it. Since I have tried the overdose thing several times and gotten nowhere with it and at one time I tried drinking cleaner it that never worked either I guess I need to find something foolproof. Eventually I will succeed at killing myself and ending my misery so why don't someone just help me do it instead of prolonging the inevitable. I do live by the train tracks pretty much like a hundred feet from my back door and I have timed the trains coming by and though about it seriously but have not been able to got through with it. I have just to afraid. i guess I want a painless method that does not take much thought. I have entertained the idea of purchasing a gun but do not want others around me to know and I can not purchase it legally. and all the peeps I know that could get one from the streets for me will do anything to stop me from doing it and sure will not help me get the means to do it. they enjoy me being miserable and giving into there wants needs and desires. they like everyone around them being in a hopeless situation in life because they are all older than I am and don't seem to want anything different and seem to enjoy their lives being miserable and smoking crack and not paying rent and having to live with their parents and friends who they can bring down with them they sure will help bring me down but yet wont help bring me up or out of this miserable world. I have tried to create the life i want with no amount of measurable progress so why keep failing at trying why not succeed at escaping. Someday soon I will submit and gain the courage and means to commit suicide without being able to be saved. I am setting my date and got to start saying my goodbyes without really saying goodbye so something is not suspected. I wont cry I will feel relief over the next few weeks since I know that after I die there will be no more pain and although others may suffer emotionally for a few days and cry most will not even be effected and some will feel relief that it is over and finally they no longer need to worry about me doing it or how they can save me because its too late my life is just waiting for me to give up and give into my suicide.