Thursday, September 23, 2010
30 Days of Truth about me
I am going to start this 30 Days of truth about me. I will write another blog entry today regarding the first day of this...
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I am no good I have always been only wanted for sexual pleasure to others no matter what I feel
"Prostitution describes the act of sexual intercourse in exchange for money. However, its definition may be extended loosely to include any sexual act for any type of compensation."
I have struggle with this for so long. When I was younger I participated in sex and sexual activities with many different grown men. From a young age I could very much be considered a prostitute as I was paid by grown men small amounts of money and gifts. I also received special treatment and protection for sexual acts with my mothers boyfriend who was also my fathers brother. He was the main man that paid me to have sex with him repeatedly from the ages 12-16 when I finally told someone. although I had also had sex with strangers who I did not know before him in the local park, under bridges, and behind buildings. I looked for the attention from men and used my body as a way to be loved and cared for even though I did not know them. They would buy me cigarrettes or give me a few dollars but not more than $10.
The very first time I could have been considered a prostitute was when my fathers other brother not the one my mother dated molested me at the ages of 4-6 years old and gave me dimes to put my mouth on his penis. Back then I did not know it was wrong so maybe that was not really prostitution but when I was 12 and his other brother who was my mothers boyfriend began to touch me and offered me money and cigarrettes I knew what he was doing to my body was wrong but I also was afraid. I somewhat liked the attention i received from him. I also like how he would protect me from my mother when he could as she physically aggressively abused me.
There were times when I did not enjoy it or did not want it. I pretended to be sleeping many times and he still did things and got his pleasure out of me. There were times when I wanted it. There were also times when I did not want it but just gave in because he would not leave me alone and I felt stuck and trapped. I was very confused during those years as alls I was looking for was to be loved and I wanted someone to care about me no matter what I had to do to get them to show me love and really care about me. There were many times I layed there and spaced out after the first few minutes of his sexual acts. There are many things I have blocked out from those days.
I recently had an experience now being 31 years old that a man offered me cash to have sex with him and I kept saying I did not do that. I continued to tell him I did not want to do it but continued to be pressured and began to do what he wanted. While starting to do this I had a hard time and stopped. I did not want to do it but he continued pressuring me and tried to force me to do more and have intercourse with him but finally stopped after my continued disinterest and my stopping the oral act. He then told a bunch of guys, that were at the place where this all happened in the bathroom at a supposed friends house, that I choked on his penis and other stuff about my genital parts. That same night one of the other men began grabbing my breasts and kept trying to rub between my legs. Finally I left and got away from the situation only after he told me how he was going to get in my pants and he wanted my body specifically he wanted my "pussy" and all sorts of derogatory sexual remarks about acts he was going to use me for. I did not receive any money for any of his violating behavior and did not want any money as I feel that would justify his behaviors just as I feel about my participation in the acts I was involved with for protection, money, and cigarettes as a teenager and young little girl. I sometimes, well almost all the time feel i was the one who was wrong because i accepted payement for the mens acts with me and I knew what they were doing to me was wrong and should not be happening but was not able to or did not want to tell anyone what was going on and expose the secrets we kept. All this reminded me of my younger years and brought up alot for me as I now believe I was a whore and still am. I believe I am destined to be a mans property to use my body the way they wish.
A few days after all this the man that was grabbing me and talking dirty to me came to my house and as we were talk he grabbed my breasts and then shoved his hand in my shorts. I continued to tell him to stop and knock it off. I told him to leave me alone but he did not he continued to fondle me. It kinda felt good like when I was a teenager and my mothers boyfriend did it to me but I did not want it. Because he would not stop right away i ebgan spacing out just as I did when I was younger. I feel so dirty. I feel violated. This man is someone I see alot as he lives near me and I have to pass his house before I get to my house there is no avoiding his house. Just as it was when I was young I feel trapped, alone, I kinda like someone wanting my body as I am ugly and disgusting and not many men do want anything to do with me. I am confused. it has brought up my child and teenage years and I am having difficulties with it.
I have struggle with this for so long. When I was younger I participated in sex and sexual activities with many different grown men. From a young age I could very much be considered a prostitute as I was paid by grown men small amounts of money and gifts. I also received special treatment and protection for sexual acts with my mothers boyfriend who was also my fathers brother. He was the main man that paid me to have sex with him repeatedly from the ages 12-16 when I finally told someone. although I had also had sex with strangers who I did not know before him in the local park, under bridges, and behind buildings. I looked for the attention from men and used my body as a way to be loved and cared for even though I did not know them. They would buy me cigarrettes or give me a few dollars but not more than $10.
The very first time I could have been considered a prostitute was when my fathers other brother not the one my mother dated molested me at the ages of 4-6 years old and gave me dimes to put my mouth on his penis. Back then I did not know it was wrong so maybe that was not really prostitution but when I was 12 and his other brother who was my mothers boyfriend began to touch me and offered me money and cigarrettes I knew what he was doing to my body was wrong but I also was afraid. I somewhat liked the attention i received from him. I also like how he would protect me from my mother when he could as she physically aggressively abused me.
There were times when I did not enjoy it or did not want it. I pretended to be sleeping many times and he still did things and got his pleasure out of me. There were times when I wanted it. There were also times when I did not want it but just gave in because he would not leave me alone and I felt stuck and trapped. I was very confused during those years as alls I was looking for was to be loved and I wanted someone to care about me no matter what I had to do to get them to show me love and really care about me. There were many times I layed there and spaced out after the first few minutes of his sexual acts. There are many things I have blocked out from those days.
I recently had an experience now being 31 years old that a man offered me cash to have sex with him and I kept saying I did not do that. I continued to tell him I did not want to do it but continued to be pressured and began to do what he wanted. While starting to do this I had a hard time and stopped. I did not want to do it but he continued pressuring me and tried to force me to do more and have intercourse with him but finally stopped after my continued disinterest and my stopping the oral act. He then told a bunch of guys, that were at the place where this all happened in the bathroom at a supposed friends house, that I choked on his penis and other stuff about my genital parts. That same night one of the other men began grabbing my breasts and kept trying to rub between my legs. Finally I left and got away from the situation only after he told me how he was going to get in my pants and he wanted my body specifically he wanted my "pussy" and all sorts of derogatory sexual remarks about acts he was going to use me for. I did not receive any money for any of his violating behavior and did not want any money as I feel that would justify his behaviors just as I feel about my participation in the acts I was involved with for protection, money, and cigarettes as a teenager and young little girl. I sometimes, well almost all the time feel i was the one who was wrong because i accepted payement for the mens acts with me and I knew what they were doing to me was wrong and should not be happening but was not able to or did not want to tell anyone what was going on and expose the secrets we kept. All this reminded me of my younger years and brought up alot for me as I now believe I was a whore and still am. I believe I am destined to be a mans property to use my body the way they wish.
A few days after all this the man that was grabbing me and talking dirty to me came to my house and as we were talk he grabbed my breasts and then shoved his hand in my shorts. I continued to tell him to stop and knock it off. I told him to leave me alone but he did not he continued to fondle me. It kinda felt good like when I was a teenager and my mothers boyfriend did it to me but I did not want it. Because he would not stop right away i ebgan spacing out just as I did when I was younger. I feel so dirty. I feel violated. This man is someone I see alot as he lives near me and I have to pass his house before I get to my house there is no avoiding his house. Just as it was when I was young I feel trapped, alone, I kinda like someone wanting my body as I am ugly and disgusting and not many men do want anything to do with me. I am confused. it has brought up my child and teenage years and I am having difficulties with it.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I am angry right now. I also am sad. I feel unloved and hurt.
It begins back when I had my babies living with me. Wewll maybe it starts before that. When my second son was born my mother was there and was involved in his life. although she hated to and very rarely would babysit him for any time period. Her things was "he does not stop crying from the time you leave until the time you come back". The same thing happened when my daughter was born. Then my husband and I seperated and he caused me alot of emotional and mental harm during his furlough in the relationship, filing false kidnapping charges and gaining an emergency custody order by means of lies. I then got back with him and had my 3 son who he was not the biological father of but was in the "father" role to him. With that child things were somewhat better but not to the extent or degree and investment from you i wanted or would have liked. Then the baby was born and the older two came hom from foster care. During their 2 year stint in foster care you did not invest much time and effort into them. When all the kids were home you visted but still would not babysit the older 2 and very rarely spent time with any of them. It really hurts me sitting here thinking about how unimportant my kids appeared to be to you at that time and still seems that that is the same way you are now.
Less then a year later I lost all 4 of them to the state and they were placed in foster care. During that 18 months before i lost them you continuously made broken promises about how you were going to come and visit and file for custody but conveniently could never get the time off work or had your own personal life to live and also raising my oldest son and dealing with his issues along with dealing with my siblings lives and chaos. I felt as if i did not matter and my kids meant nothing to you back then and somewhat feel that way now. During that time you managed to take a vacation from work to visit my sister and her kids. you also managed to go out to california to visit family and make a decision to move there and ended up moving there with my brothers and their mates and kids. Then when one of them causes problems out there you send him here to live with me knowing i already had enough of my own but out of protection for him and his newborn you send him only for him to cause me more problems and steal from me and use me. once he caused destruction here you then decide to quit your job in california because he needed you but yet claim you moved here so you could fight for my kids knowing you had not bothered with them the whole 16 monts they had been in foster care and i was fighting for them. Then you file for custody knowing the court was going to say something about you not having to anything to do with their lives for all that time and the many times you promised to coming here and file the custody for the kids. But yet you come 2 weeks before my rights are taken and really do not fight for them instead you file the papers and sit back and just let the court make theri decision and never and file an appeal for the kids. Then you move away 2 months later with no care in the world surrounding my kids. You abandon me and them.
You never say anything about loving or missin them now or over the 3 years since then. Their birthdays and holidays come around and their names are not even a word from yor mouth. Did you never really love or care about them just as you never cared or loved me.
to be continued...I am too upset and angry right now and cannot get my thoughts together enough to be able to write sensibly...
It begins back when I had my babies living with me. Wewll maybe it starts before that. When my second son was born my mother was there and was involved in his life. although she hated to and very rarely would babysit him for any time period. Her things was "he does not stop crying from the time you leave until the time you come back". The same thing happened when my daughter was born. Then my husband and I seperated and he caused me alot of emotional and mental harm during his furlough in the relationship, filing false kidnapping charges and gaining an emergency custody order by means of lies. I then got back with him and had my 3 son who he was not the biological father of but was in the "father" role to him. With that child things were somewhat better but not to the extent or degree and investment from you i wanted or would have liked. Then the baby was born and the older two came hom from foster care. During their 2 year stint in foster care you did not invest much time and effort into them. When all the kids were home you visted but still would not babysit the older 2 and very rarely spent time with any of them. It really hurts me sitting here thinking about how unimportant my kids appeared to be to you at that time and still seems that that is the same way you are now.
Less then a year later I lost all 4 of them to the state and they were placed in foster care. During that 18 months before i lost them you continuously made broken promises about how you were going to come and visit and file for custody but conveniently could never get the time off work or had your own personal life to live and also raising my oldest son and dealing with his issues along with dealing with my siblings lives and chaos. I felt as if i did not matter and my kids meant nothing to you back then and somewhat feel that way now. During that time you managed to take a vacation from work to visit my sister and her kids. you also managed to go out to california to visit family and make a decision to move there and ended up moving there with my brothers and their mates and kids. Then when one of them causes problems out there you send him here to live with me knowing i already had enough of my own but out of protection for him and his newborn you send him only for him to cause me more problems and steal from me and use me. once he caused destruction here you then decide to quit your job in california because he needed you but yet claim you moved here so you could fight for my kids knowing you had not bothered with them the whole 16 monts they had been in foster care and i was fighting for them. Then you file for custody knowing the court was going to say something about you not having to anything to do with their lives for all that time and the many times you promised to coming here and file the custody for the kids. But yet you come 2 weeks before my rights are taken and really do not fight for them instead you file the papers and sit back and just let the court make theri decision and never and file an appeal for the kids. Then you move away 2 months later with no care in the world surrounding my kids. You abandon me and them.
You never say anything about loving or missin them now or over the 3 years since then. Their birthdays and holidays come around and their names are not even a word from yor mouth. Did you never really love or care about them just as you never cared or loved me.
to be continued...I am too upset and angry right now and cannot get my thoughts together enough to be able to write sensibly...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
my pain within
No one understands the pain buried within
I need people to see the pain I am in
expose my pain upon my skin to show what I feel inside
without the external exposure of my pain
No one seems to realize what is buried inside
I write it on my skin
Exposing the pain that I feel within
I need people to see the pain I am in
expose my pain upon my skin to show what I feel inside
without the external exposure of my pain
No one seems to realize what is buried inside
I write it on my skin
Exposing the pain that I feel within
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Letter I just sent to my therapist (was not the intention of me writing to her)
Things have changed and the agency has and still continues to go through many ups and downs. I understand to a degree that this is just a career to you. But why did you choose this career. People do not choose careers in this type of field for nothing. People do not decide they want a job full of stress and that desensitizes them emotionally to peoples pain for no reason. There are underlying reasons people choose a career in the mental health system that is not very rewarding on a personal level. Most people in your position choose the career they are in because of personal life experiences. So why then does it feel to me that your choice to be in your position is not a choice to you anymore. You do it just to do. It seems to me that there are expectations placed upon you that is interfering in your ability to meet the needs of the clients you have on your case load. Yes you work for a community mental health center and with that brings overcrowding and the need for more than the very few counselors that are employed by the agency but why is it that I feel that the counseling is no longer a priority. Why is it that clients continue to need services but yet the needed services do not get provided but yet other agencies provide more services than the agency which is the main agency of service to the client. Mental Health Supports should not be the ones providing my counseling as they are not the one being paid for that service, they are not the ones trained to the degree that you and community services are trained to provide. Do not get me wrong they are helpful and they also aid in my treatment but I feel my treatment through community services and specifically my therapy treatment is no longer important now that you are forced into doing more than your share of the services their at Courtland.
Have you lost sight of the reasons you chose a career in counseling? Is that no longer important? Do the clients not really matter as we are just a means to bring in more income and funding to the agency no matter how much less productive and how much less services truly are being provided.018153 is all I am to you and everyone else in that agency it seems to me. It feels as if there is no point to coming there anymore for treatment as I do not feel treatment is being provided on a needs basis but rather on a basis of case managing. There feels as if there is no therapy being provided and my life is no more important to that agency as it was to my abusers growing up. I feel I am just a statistic to that agency as of lately and that me as a human being is not really what is looked at. My needs do not get addressed. The agency needs gets more addressing than the clients’ needs. The clients need more services than the agency provides. The agency needs to stop cutting services out and stop limiting the needs of clients to the limited services they are willing to provide. Stop cutting services and instead build more services to help the clients like productive lives and lives that should be worth living. What progress has the agency made with DBT? Non that I have seen. Dbt instead in my opinion has gotten less productive and less structured than it was back when I first began DBT in 2006 at Community services. Instead of building up programs the agency wants to continue trying to cut out services and do less of mastering the services they claim to provide. They continue to sacrifice Mental Health treatment, groups, and services and fight to provide and maintain addiction treatment and services that are instead of improving just being used to claim as a service provided but is it really being provided and maintained to a level that it should be maintained and provided. TREM was started and is a much need group in the area as there is no other trauma related groups in this area but it was cut out and never maintained as it should have been. The funding was not placed on maintaining that group in the agency. DBT now is just a fly by no effort to place on group within the agency. The recovery enhancement group is no longer done and that was a group that help some and could be beneficial to many if marketed properly and maintained to a degree it should be maintained. IOP is a forever unproductive group that seems to need more structure and commitment placed on it from the agency. DBT core group was stopped and never again even given a second though to it. How you ever realized you have a voice and could really help people if you advocated to a degree of advocating as you are able to. Yes I understand you advocate but do you truly really advocate for services that are in place to be revamped and actually given the attention that is need for them to truly succeed in helping people succeed in their lives. And maybe you have and maybe you do I just have not seen it and do not see progress within the services provided through the agency. I have seen so many changes effect the agency as a whole and us clients but do not see them as helpful in maintaining stability.
There have been many services cut out of the agency and non that have replaced those services. The very same services that I was involved with that had been helpful to some degree in the past are the very services that have been cut out and given no attention to them to maintain or to reorganize them to a point where they can be used to provide much needed services in the greater Lynchburg and surrounding area. How is it that services can be shutoff and unmaintained as the services within the agency has. Do you even realize, recognize, or understand all that I see that has happened within the agency over the past years and if so how is it that you act unaffected and as if all this is not important and do not matter to you and you continue to come to work and not stand up for the needs of your clients or the community when you took the counseling oath you took. There are many reasons like these that make people in your position decide to get out and make them change career paths or get away from agency such as the one that is employing you but yet for whatever reason you continue to stay in an agency that does not appear to be concerned with services to clients or the community but just in maintaining staying open. The services has greatly depreciated and no longer even seems to feel as a service but it feels as just an in between place where you can go to get information regarding the services in the area and be pawned off to some other services but yet keep us as the main service providers on paper so we can keep getting funding for the lack of services we provide but refer you to any and every other agency around. Do you see the effects of the way the agency is run on clients? Does anyone see how these things have effected clients? Does it matter to anyone in the agency how I as a client and not just case 018153 is and has been effected by what has occurred within the confinements of the agency that you work for and they run.
I understand you are just one person, one employee there. I also understand that you are one voice that I believe could make a difference if that voice truly care about us clients as people and lives really worth that voices efforts. Yes maybe I am not the client that is worth your voice but realize and understand your voice is the voice that could be used to advocate for more than just someone like myself. The way the agency is being run it may be you or a co-worker who needs the services at some point. Then would your voice be worth using. Is it just that we, including myself are not worth your advocating for the needed services, maintaining of the services that are provided, and the improvement of those services. Could it be that a family member of yours or yourself or a coworker needed the services could that be a motivating factor in people in that agency maintaining, improving, or providing services. Does no one there see that we are not just people we are members of families, some of us are employees, some of us could be very productive services if people really put the time, effort, and confidence in us as they do their own families, and selves.
I guess I am going to stop this ranting and tangent and hopefully have made some important points and given you some things to truly think about as my motivation for writing to you tonight was to get some frustration out regarding my need for treatment, stability, care, support, hope, and help. I also intended on expressing to you my thoughts recently and how my actions have contributed to my underlying depression, but instead I have used this as a message to vent regarding stuff that is not going to matter to you or anyone else there and instead I have wasted my time, effort, thoughts, and energy on things that are important to me and hopefully others like me and never got into what I originally sat here to write to you about. I may choose to do that in a bit but need to take this time in this moment to reflect on all I have just contemplated and relayed to you in this message. I only hope that I have not made you feel unimportant, alienated, angry, frustrated, or targeted by my anger towards what is happening in your job and its effects it has on me. I do realize that you are doing your best at the moment but I hope I also have helped you to see that you can try to do more than you do instead of just sitting there taking orders from the people above I hope I have inspired you to use your voice as an advocate for people like me who do not or cannot always use their voices.
Have you lost sight of the reasons you chose a career in counseling? Is that no longer important? Do the clients not really matter as we are just a means to bring in more income and funding to the agency no matter how much less productive and how much less services truly are being provided.018153 is all I am to you and everyone else in that agency it seems to me. It feels as if there is no point to coming there anymore for treatment as I do not feel treatment is being provided on a needs basis but rather on a basis of case managing. There feels as if there is no therapy being provided and my life is no more important to that agency as it was to my abusers growing up. I feel I am just a statistic to that agency as of lately and that me as a human being is not really what is looked at. My needs do not get addressed. The agency needs gets more addressing than the clients’ needs. The clients need more services than the agency provides. The agency needs to stop cutting services out and stop limiting the needs of clients to the limited services they are willing to provide. Stop cutting services and instead build more services to help the clients like productive lives and lives that should be worth living. What progress has the agency made with DBT? Non that I have seen. Dbt instead in my opinion has gotten less productive and less structured than it was back when I first began DBT in 2006 at Community services. Instead of building up programs the agency wants to continue trying to cut out services and do less of mastering the services they claim to provide. They continue to sacrifice Mental Health treatment, groups, and services and fight to provide and maintain addiction treatment and services that are instead of improving just being used to claim as a service provided but is it really being provided and maintained to a level that it should be maintained and provided. TREM was started and is a much need group in the area as there is no other trauma related groups in this area but it was cut out and never maintained as it should have been. The funding was not placed on maintaining that group in the agency. DBT now is just a fly by no effort to place on group within the agency. The recovery enhancement group is no longer done and that was a group that help some and could be beneficial to many if marketed properly and maintained to a degree it should be maintained. IOP is a forever unproductive group that seems to need more structure and commitment placed on it from the agency. DBT core group was stopped and never again even given a second though to it. How you ever realized you have a voice and could really help people if you advocated to a degree of advocating as you are able to. Yes I understand you advocate but do you truly really advocate for services that are in place to be revamped and actually given the attention that is need for them to truly succeed in helping people succeed in their lives. And maybe you have and maybe you do I just have not seen it and do not see progress within the services provided through the agency. I have seen so many changes effect the agency as a whole and us clients but do not see them as helpful in maintaining stability.
There have been many services cut out of the agency and non that have replaced those services. The very same services that I was involved with that had been helpful to some degree in the past are the very services that have been cut out and given no attention to them to maintain or to reorganize them to a point where they can be used to provide much needed services in the greater Lynchburg and surrounding area. How is it that services can be shutoff and unmaintained as the services within the agency has. Do you even realize, recognize, or understand all that I see that has happened within the agency over the past years and if so how is it that you act unaffected and as if all this is not important and do not matter to you and you continue to come to work and not stand up for the needs of your clients or the community when you took the counseling oath you took. There are many reasons like these that make people in your position decide to get out and make them change career paths or get away from agency such as the one that is employing you but yet for whatever reason you continue to stay in an agency that does not appear to be concerned with services to clients or the community but just in maintaining staying open. The services has greatly depreciated and no longer even seems to feel as a service but it feels as just an in between place where you can go to get information regarding the services in the area and be pawned off to some other services but yet keep us as the main service providers on paper so we can keep getting funding for the lack of services we provide but refer you to any and every other agency around. Do you see the effects of the way the agency is run on clients? Does anyone see how these things have effected clients? Does it matter to anyone in the agency how I as a client and not just case 018153 is and has been effected by what has occurred within the confinements of the agency that you work for and they run.
I understand you are just one person, one employee there. I also understand that you are one voice that I believe could make a difference if that voice truly care about us clients as people and lives really worth that voices efforts. Yes maybe I am not the client that is worth your voice but realize and understand your voice is the voice that could be used to advocate for more than just someone like myself. The way the agency is being run it may be you or a co-worker who needs the services at some point. Then would your voice be worth using. Is it just that we, including myself are not worth your advocating for the needed services, maintaining of the services that are provided, and the improvement of those services. Could it be that a family member of yours or yourself or a coworker needed the services could that be a motivating factor in people in that agency maintaining, improving, or providing services. Does no one there see that we are not just people we are members of families, some of us are employees, some of us could be very productive services if people really put the time, effort, and confidence in us as they do their own families, and selves.
I guess I am going to stop this ranting and tangent and hopefully have made some important points and given you some things to truly think about as my motivation for writing to you tonight was to get some frustration out regarding my need for treatment, stability, care, support, hope, and help. I also intended on expressing to you my thoughts recently and how my actions have contributed to my underlying depression, but instead I have used this as a message to vent regarding stuff that is not going to matter to you or anyone else there and instead I have wasted my time, effort, thoughts, and energy on things that are important to me and hopefully others like me and never got into what I originally sat here to write to you about. I may choose to do that in a bit but need to take this time in this moment to reflect on all I have just contemplated and relayed to you in this message. I only hope that I have not made you feel unimportant, alienated, angry, frustrated, or targeted by my anger towards what is happening in your job and its effects it has on me. I do realize that you are doing your best at the moment but I hope I also have helped you to see that you can try to do more than you do instead of just sitting there taking orders from the people above I hope I have inspired you to use your voice as an advocate for people like me who do not or cannot always use their voices.
My Shame Runs Deeper than I Thought
I had therapy today and although I have been seeing her for just over 4 years and my therapist has been there for me through the hardest things I could have gone through in my life I am still too ashamed of somethings that I cannot look at her or discuss these painful things with her.
I also thought that the internet was my way to letting out these shameful secrets but unfortuanately I have been unable to get them out of me. I have exposed somethings but those are the easiest for me to let people know. The harder more ashamed secrets within me are buried and the more things that happen that remind me of them or that make me more ashamed of myself and my secrets continue to build and I continue to be unable to expose my shameful secrets. I am just too ashamed of myself and my actions to be able to face them and expose them to anyone not even the sole person I trust that is in my life right now, my therapist.
I also thought that the internet was my way to letting out these shameful secrets but unfortuanately I have been unable to get them out of me. I have exposed somethings but those are the easiest for me to let people know. The harder more ashamed secrets within me are buried and the more things that happen that remind me of them or that make me more ashamed of myself and my secrets continue to build and I continue to be unable to expose my shameful secrets. I am just too ashamed of myself and my actions to be able to face them and expose them to anyone not even the sole person I trust that is in my life right now, my therapist.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Broken, Different, Shame Filled and Guilty ~ and Then…
Broken, Different, Shame Filled and Guilty ~ and Then…
We find each other when we are ready to face some of the abuse that happened to us. We search for others in order not to feel so alone ourselves. We enjoy the camaraderie, the feeling of being understood and our common bonds. There is a unity, a common bond and an understanding that we don’t feel with everyone.
I felt different for so many years. I felt like I didn’t fit in, like I didn’t belong and I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt guilty for not being grateful, for not being happy and was ashamed of the depressions that I struggled with. I didn’t realize they were born out of the childhood abuse events that had not been taken care of properly.
I sought others who had suffered abuse worse than the abuse that I suffered so I could tell myself to stop complaining about what happened to me. This did not help me at all. I only talked about one abusive event in my life and I shrugged my shoulders when I even thought about some of the violence that I lived in, as if to say “ah, it was no big deal”. I had attempted to talk to a few professionals about my past, but I was often met with a neutral attitude, which really just affirmed to me that I was making too big a deal out of my story. I had always been told by my family that I was dramatic. One day when I was at the end of my rope, I decided to try one last mental health professional and something happened that became the beginning of my recovery.
Last week I published a blog post on the blog “Emerging from Broken” about the first session I had with that same therapist who eventually took me from shattered and broken, to wholeness and freedom. At the time of this writing there are 29 comments on that post. It really stirred up some feelings within my readers, and I thought I would share it with you here as well.
I called it “My Therapist Winced when I told him…..” I hope you stop by to read it and the comments that it generated from other survivors too.
Wishing you Freedom and Wholeness,
Darlene Ouimet
We find each other when we are ready to face some of the abuse that happened to us. We search for others in order not to feel so alone ourselves. We enjoy the camaraderie, the feeling of being understood and our common bonds. There is a unity, a common bond and an understanding that we don’t feel with everyone.
I felt different for so many years. I felt like I didn’t fit in, like I didn’t belong and I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt guilty for not being grateful, for not being happy and was ashamed of the depressions that I struggled with. I didn’t realize they were born out of the childhood abuse events that had not been taken care of properly.
I sought others who had suffered abuse worse than the abuse that I suffered so I could tell myself to stop complaining about what happened to me. This did not help me at all. I only talked about one abusive event in my life and I shrugged my shoulders when I even thought about some of the violence that I lived in, as if to say “ah, it was no big deal”. I had attempted to talk to a few professionals about my past, but I was often met with a neutral attitude, which really just affirmed to me that I was making too big a deal out of my story. I had always been told by my family that I was dramatic. One day when I was at the end of my rope, I decided to try one last mental health professional and something happened that became the beginning of my recovery.
Last week I published a blog post on the blog “Emerging from Broken” about the first session I had with that same therapist who eventually took me from shattered and broken, to wholeness and freedom. At the time of this writing there are 29 comments on that post. It really stirred up some feelings within my readers, and I thought I would share it with you here as well.
I called it “My Therapist Winced when I told him…..” I hope you stop by to read it and the comments that it generated from other survivors too.
Wishing you Freedom and Wholeness,
Darlene Ouimet
JUST BE: good to yourself: empowering yourself to feel and heal: EMPOWERING yourself to heal after TRAUMA
JUST BE: good to yourself: empowering yourself to feel and heal: EMPOWERING yourself to heal after TRAUMA
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
EMPOWERING yourself to heal after TRAUMA
Overcoming trauma is hard enough to do in general. Why not get the help of others? I am in the process of creating a program that will benefit all women to 1) share their own personal trauma histories on line with other women and 2) treat and facilitate healing worldwide for any woman who has been sexually, physically, emotionally or "virtually" traumatized.
In the meantime, please contact me at askalisonleigh@gmail.com or firstfeelthenheal@gmail.com. I am working on several projects and would love your input.
My main focus is to attempt to educate all women all over the world on how to a) heal themselves, 2) love themselves and 3) accept themselves for exactly *who* they really are.
The movement I began is called, "First Feel then Heal" which is a movement based on helping women feel first then heal second. I'm also creating The Feel Institute: a place to feel, so women (and men) can learn the art of feeling.
Why is feeling important? Before we can learn to love ourselves, heal ourselves, we need to *feel*. We need to feel what it is like to own our emotions and to take responsibility for those. Through that process, we can enable ourselves and our true essence to come out.
In the meantime, I have written a questionnaire for anyone who has been traumatized through sexual rape, incest, molestation, etc in their own lives. This questionnaire will be a good way for you to see if you are among the other thousands of women who share common ground. In this effort for you to discover yourself, your meaning, and empower yourself to heal, I send love and comfort your way- always .
Alison Leigh
Thriver
Alison Leigh's questionnaire on healing sexual trauma through being yourself perfectly
Trauma is defined as a person's experience of a situation. NOT the situation itself. This is very important to understand. Two people can see the *same* event, but responding is different. One person could have lasting trauma, the other, no trauma at all. It all depends on our *own* experience and felt sense of the trauma.
No two people will have the same exact reaction to a given situation and no reaction is wrong or should be shameful.
This checklist will help you recall some situations you have experienced or may help you realize that some events might have been traumatic even though you didn't think so at the time. You might want to discuss your list with a therapist (or you can email me too) to determine how much your personal history is interfering with your present lifestyle. most often, it does without our conscious knowing, which is why it is so important and crucial to "feel first".
First sit down and then take long deep breaths. Remember- I am here for you right now in this moment. I do not judge you, i fully support you in your *stuff* and feel honored to hear your thoughts. (This is just my little note to you while you begin this process).
Adult trauma history questionnaire:
What are the three most traumatic things that you ever experienced?
1.
2.
3.
Physical history
1. Have you ever been hospitalized for anything relating to this trauma? If not, what have you been hospitalized for?
2. Can you cross reference any of these things with your initial trauma?
3. Do you currently have any chronic issues? Pain? Are you in long term recovery for any physical illness?
4. Have you ever had any life-threatening conditions?
5. Have you had any accidents?
6. Heartbreaks? (Breakups?) How long did they last?
7. Death in family? Friends dying?
8. Have you had difficulty with Doctors, Nurses or other health care professionals?
9. What kind of difficulty?
10. Have you experienced Chronic unexplained physical ailments?
________________________________________________
Process questions
1. What was going on in your life when your symptoms were first present?
Headaches?______
Stomach aches?________
Colitis?________
IBS?__________
Autoimmune Disorder?_________
Joint Pains?______________
Diagnosed with Fibromalagia?____________
Skin conditions?_________
Other?____________
Family Relationships
1. Were you seperated from either parent or sibling for any period of time?
2. What kind of housing situation were you in growing up? Single parent? Combined?
3. Did any family members have alcohol or drug problems?
4. Did anyone take out their aggression on you? In front of you? Behind your back?
5. Did your parents fight in front of you? Verbally? Physically?
6. How were you punished? Disciplined? how often? How severly?
7. Did you experience incest, molestation, or inappropriate touch?
8. Did you feel molested or taken advantage of in any way but just not physically?
9. Were you afraid to talk to anyone about it?
10. Did you take care of anyone in your family and their needs?
11.Were your parents married? Divorced? Remarried? Involved in alternative lifestyles (poly-amory, swingers, BDSM, pornography?)
12. Were there other relationships coming into the home?
13. How many caregivers did you have? How often did you spend time with your parents?
14. How many places did you live while a child?
_____________________________________________
School and work relationships
1. Did you feel teased, tormented, bullied or threatened?
2. Did you feel excluded, outcast, or ostracized?
3. Did you experience prejudice? what kind?
Frightening Events
1. Have you ever had any experience with human-caused assault? (kidnapping, mugging, rape, arson, jail, battering?)
2. Have you ever been in jail? anyone you know in jail?
Nature Based traumatic experiences
1. Have you ever been in an earthquake? Storm that hurt people and homes? Fire?
2. Were you part of a hurricane or other natural disasters?
3. Did you witness or were you involved in 911? Anyone you know?
4. What age were you when you felt the most fear about your environment (home? work?)
Spiritual/Religious
1. Have you ever been part of a cult?
2. Were you admitted to a cult beyond your control?
3. Have you ever had a frightening spiritual or religious experience that kept with you?
4. Have you ever seen/talked with ghosts? Aliens? Other super-natural beings?
5. Do you ever feel like you are being watched? Followed?
__________________________________________________
Losses
1. Have you experienced the loss of a family member, friend or pet?
2. Have you experienced the loss of a pregnancy? through what means?
3. Have you experienced a serious relationship breakup that left you feeling traumatized?
_______________
Job related
1. have you been sexually harassed, beaten, taken advantage of?
2. Have you recently lost your job, your home, your family due to loss of job?
________________
Financial
1. Are you on welfare?
2. Have you recently lost your job?
3. Have you recently or ever lost your job which led to crisis?
__________________________________
Sexual/Gender
1. Do you feel you were born the correct gender?
2. Do you feel like you understand your identity?
3. Are you gay, feel gay, bi-sexual, confused, transgender?
4. Are you afraid to come out? To tell your friends? Parents? loved ones?
____________________________________________
Prison/Jail
1.Ever experienced a family member or yourself in jail?
2. Ever had prison sexual assault?
____________________________________
General
1. Do you feel loved? Taken care of?
2. Do you feel present? Aware? Conscious?
3. Do you feel you have to hide certain parts of yourself?
4. Are you constantly comparing yourself to others?
________________________________
Fashion/Beauty/ Body Image
1. Do you think you should be like fashion models?
2. What do you think of your own body image?
3. Do you feel like you might have an eating disorder?
__________________
Posted by Alison Leigh Siegel, MFT at 8:39 AM
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
EMPOWERING yourself to heal after TRAUMA
Overcoming trauma is hard enough to do in general. Why not get the help of others? I am in the process of creating a program that will benefit all women to 1) share their own personal trauma histories on line with other women and 2) treat and facilitate healing worldwide for any woman who has been sexually, physically, emotionally or "virtually" traumatized.
In the meantime, please contact me at askalisonleigh@gmail.com or firstfeelthenheal@gmail.com. I am working on several projects and would love your input.
My main focus is to attempt to educate all women all over the world on how to a) heal themselves, 2) love themselves and 3) accept themselves for exactly *who* they really are.
The movement I began is called, "First Feel then Heal" which is a movement based on helping women feel first then heal second. I'm also creating The Feel Institute: a place to feel, so women (and men) can learn the art of feeling.
Why is feeling important? Before we can learn to love ourselves, heal ourselves, we need to *feel*. We need to feel what it is like to own our emotions and to take responsibility for those. Through that process, we can enable ourselves and our true essence to come out.
In the meantime, I have written a questionnaire for anyone who has been traumatized through sexual rape, incest, molestation, etc in their own lives. This questionnaire will be a good way for you to see if you are among the other thousands of women who share common ground. In this effort for you to discover yourself, your meaning, and empower yourself to heal, I send love and comfort your way- always .
Alison Leigh
Thriver
Alison Leigh's questionnaire on healing sexual trauma through being yourself perfectly
Trauma is defined as a person's experience of a situation. NOT the situation itself. This is very important to understand. Two people can see the *same* event, but responding is different. One person could have lasting trauma, the other, no trauma at all. It all depends on our *own* experience and felt sense of the trauma.
No two people will have the same exact reaction to a given situation and no reaction is wrong or should be shameful.
This checklist will help you recall some situations you have experienced or may help you realize that some events might have been traumatic even though you didn't think so at the time. You might want to discuss your list with a therapist (or you can email me too) to determine how much your personal history is interfering with your present lifestyle. most often, it does without our conscious knowing, which is why it is so important and crucial to "feel first".
First sit down and then take long deep breaths. Remember- I am here for you right now in this moment. I do not judge you, i fully support you in your *stuff* and feel honored to hear your thoughts. (This is just my little note to you while you begin this process).
Adult trauma history questionnaire:
What are the three most traumatic things that you ever experienced?
1.
2.
3.
Physical history
1. Have you ever been hospitalized for anything relating to this trauma? If not, what have you been hospitalized for?
2. Can you cross reference any of these things with your initial trauma?
3. Do you currently have any chronic issues? Pain? Are you in long term recovery for any physical illness?
4. Have you ever had any life-threatening conditions?
5. Have you had any accidents?
6. Heartbreaks? (Breakups?) How long did they last?
7. Death in family? Friends dying?
8. Have you had difficulty with Doctors, Nurses or other health care professionals?
9. What kind of difficulty?
10. Have you experienced Chronic unexplained physical ailments?
________________________________________________
Process questions
1. What was going on in your life when your symptoms were first present?
Headaches?______
Stomach aches?________
Colitis?________
IBS?__________
Autoimmune Disorder?_________
Joint Pains?______________
Diagnosed with Fibromalagia?____________
Skin conditions?_________
Other?____________
Family Relationships
1. Were you seperated from either parent or sibling for any period of time?
2. What kind of housing situation were you in growing up? Single parent? Combined?
3. Did any family members have alcohol or drug problems?
4. Did anyone take out their aggression on you? In front of you? Behind your back?
5. Did your parents fight in front of you? Verbally? Physically?
6. How were you punished? Disciplined? how often? How severly?
7. Did you experience incest, molestation, or inappropriate touch?
8. Did you feel molested or taken advantage of in any way but just not physically?
9. Were you afraid to talk to anyone about it?
10. Did you take care of anyone in your family and their needs?
11.Were your parents married? Divorced? Remarried? Involved in alternative lifestyles (poly-amory, swingers, BDSM, pornography?)
12. Were there other relationships coming into the home?
13. How many caregivers did you have? How often did you spend time with your parents?
14. How many places did you live while a child?
_____________________________________________
School and work relationships
1. Did you feel teased, tormented, bullied or threatened?
2. Did you feel excluded, outcast, or ostracized?
3. Did you experience prejudice? what kind?
Frightening Events
1. Have you ever had any experience with human-caused assault? (kidnapping, mugging, rape, arson, jail, battering?)
2. Have you ever been in jail? anyone you know in jail?
Nature Based traumatic experiences
1. Have you ever been in an earthquake? Storm that hurt people and homes? Fire?
2. Were you part of a hurricane or other natural disasters?
3. Did you witness or were you involved in 911? Anyone you know?
4. What age were you when you felt the most fear about your environment (home? work?)
Spiritual/Religious
1. Have you ever been part of a cult?
2. Were you admitted to a cult beyond your control?
3. Have you ever had a frightening spiritual or religious experience that kept with you?
4. Have you ever seen/talked with ghosts? Aliens? Other super-natural beings?
5. Do you ever feel like you are being watched? Followed?
__________________________________________________
Losses
1. Have you experienced the loss of a family member, friend or pet?
2. Have you experienced the loss of a pregnancy? through what means?
3. Have you experienced a serious relationship breakup that left you feeling traumatized?
_______________
Job related
1. have you been sexually harassed, beaten, taken advantage of?
2. Have you recently lost your job, your home, your family due to loss of job?
________________
Financial
1. Are you on welfare?
2. Have you recently lost your job?
3. Have you recently or ever lost your job which led to crisis?
__________________________________
Sexual/Gender
1. Do you feel you were born the correct gender?
2. Do you feel like you understand your identity?
3. Are you gay, feel gay, bi-sexual, confused, transgender?
4. Are you afraid to come out? To tell your friends? Parents? loved ones?
____________________________________________
Prison/Jail
1.Ever experienced a family member or yourself in jail?
2. Ever had prison sexual assault?
____________________________________
General
1. Do you feel loved? Taken care of?
2. Do you feel present? Aware? Conscious?
3. Do you feel you have to hide certain parts of yourself?
4. Are you constantly comparing yourself to others?
________________________________
Fashion/Beauty/ Body Image
1. Do you think you should be like fashion models?
2. What do you think of your own body image?
3. Do you feel like you might have an eating disorder?
__________________
Posted by Alison Leigh Siegel, MFT at 8:39 AM
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