a goal of mine

Learn to let go

I need to work through my childhood secrets and put a voice to my past so others  may get help from me having a voice a never have had. it may help them gain some hope from it. This is a difficult for me and I am hoping to really be able to work through alot of this stuff and get something from it all and hopefully am able to give back some hope to others who are like myself and have secrets hidden within afriad to give a voice to them. I know that with exposure brings more pain before the peace will come and sometimnes that is scary. For me this is not the first time I have tried to work through this stuff in life and I am sure it is not the last time but I hope it will help me and I will stick with it long enough for me to gain the strength others in the world have by letting the secrets out and working through the pain that I have run from and avoided for so many years. I want to be able to give back and cannot do that until I have done the work I need to do and gotten through what I need to get through before trying to help others get through the same kinds of issues. I want to be able to be others rock when they need a rock when they feel just as I have felt over the years. I am in therapy but never really have dealt with any of it as I should have done many years ago when I had the chance. But instead I avoid and ran from it all keeping it burried and hidden inside my soal. I also am hoping to really do some work with my therapist on this stuff and since I now have what I beliee is a supportive treatmnet team and very good and workable encouraging but assertive mental health support worker. She seems to be someone I need in my life right now. Someone who will help me get things that need to get done done and not let me avoid issues I need to work on. I have alot I need to do and work on in life so I can become who I want to become and with her in my life as a support I may just become who I have desire to be. But who knows maybe she will get sick of my lack of motivation or my negativity and gve up on me just as everyone else does. But we will see. I am hoping all this will help me find some inner peace and maybe some confidence in myself and in life. Maybe I will find some joy in life and possible some inner happiness.

past few days

these past few days i have made a decision to move and spend the summer at my friends camping her yard. i will have like a retreat there and will hopefully be able to work on myself and maybe begin to see who i really am and find what i really like. i will spend sometime with her and her children and we will lso be able to work together on gardening and our plans to make what we call the salsa shack. we are growing tomatoes peppers cilantro onions garlic and hot peppers and plan on trying to sell them at the local market and maybe build a business out of for the future. we have a lot of things in common but then there are other things that we disagree on so i will have to keep myself in check and try to be who she wishes me to be for a few months. i believe it will be somewhat good for me to do some inner work but i also will have to be careful since she has been through traumatic situations that sometimes become triggered by my traumatic past and trying to talk to her about my symptoms and my ptsd and need to try to talk about these things without being judged. sometimes the things she talks about throughs me for a loop and brings up alot for me and i have not been able to set limits and boundaries with her around this stuff but she is able to tell me when it is uncomfortable or too much for her what we are discussing. she is alot farther in her recovery than i am and also has 9 years sober and clean which is a big help for me. she is a great friend and has helped me stabilize more than anything this past year. she also helped me be able to trust someone enough to talk about this stuff somewhat but i feel she will get me started talking about it but then it gets too much for her and i am left hanging with the intense memories and emotions. i also will not be able to use my cutting as a means of coping while i am there so this will be a big step for me in self control and coping effectively. but in the long one this is probably a big blessing and may be very helpful for the future of my life and well being including the stability and "normalcy" i so desire and seek so often. although when i begin to gain some "normalcy" i usual destroy it and run from it. i think it gets to much for me not to be in chaos as my whole life since birth has been not so dependable, chaotic, unstable, and unstructured. i think it becomes greatly uncomfortable for me and i run from it as it is not what i am used to and it is scary for me. but this will help me build some trust and a bit of a foundation before going to get my own apartment at the end of the summer again. maybe i will gain some enlightenment into what i truly am seeking in life and what i really want. i just hope i do not sacrifice myself to much and try to be who i am not and lose the things that has protecdted me throughout my whole life. seeing her and where she had come froma nd whats she went through and how far she has come and how hard she has worked to get to where she is now gives me hope. hope that there is better out there for me and that i too can get to where she is with alot of hard work and many failures and successes but i do not want to be her and be what she expects me to be or what or who anyone expects me to be i want to be me and learn who me is. this will be a step in the right direction to a life worth living i hope.