Forgiveness is a difficult concept for me to grasp. As forgiving someone else for something they have done that ahs hurt you or effected you you is not really about forgiving for the sake of the other person but it is about forgiving the other person for there hurt they caused you for your own sake. For you to be able to move on, let go, and kind of forget tehir wrong to you.
I have forgave many things in my life that were miniscule and did not cause me as much harm as other tings that I have not been able t forgive people for or forget the pain they caused. I have let go of many hurts but on the other hand cannot grasp the forgivness concept of letting go, forgetting, and moving on from my wounds that are deep within my sole.
There are many things people have done to me in my life that I cannot forgive them for. I cannot move on from, forget about, or let go of the pain they have imbedded in my already wound sole. There are things I would liek to be able to move on from and let go of the pain from that others who are currrently involved in my life has caused and that still gives me difficulties when communicating and interacting with these people. But unfortunately it is difficult for me to let go and move on from these things because I am looking for answers or validation from the other person who needs forgiveness and they will not or cannot give me what I need to e able to let go and move on. Forgiving them for something they did is kinda of a difficult concept as they are still in denial about there actions and it is hard for me to forgive and forget when they deny my feelings about the wound they caused.
I need to work on forgiveness greatly and for this I need to choose one thing I need to forgive someone for and choosing only one is hard but I can do it.
I guess I would say I would like to forgive my mother her abusive; emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and physically; behavior towards me as a teenager. This is very difficult for me as she denies my feelings about it and minimizes her behavior. She refuses to admit she was wrong by abusing me and will not validate my pain and hurt she caused for me throughout life.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Denial and Parenting
Growing up my father parenting us when he felt like he wanted us involved in his world. When he did parent us he was always high as he was a pothead and I guess in his mind he could be a good parent while under the influence of drugs. His denial surrounding around the fact that weed did not effect his parenting and he beilieved that parentig us under the influence was not harmful to us I guess. The denial is a belief that is irrational and its effects on me have been angering enough that it hasmade me not want to talk with him or associate myself with him as I have become an adult.
Critizing me as a child and teenager, my mother lives in denial regarding the effects I have from her "abuse". Nevermind the physically abuse she perpetrated on me when I was a teenager. I am speciafically more effected by her denial of emotional, mental, and psychological abuse. Her name calling, critisizing, controlling behavior, putdowns, and outwardness regarding my looks were very harmful to me. The more I think about this abuse the more I am bothered because I was not who she wanted me to be, I did not dress the way she wanted me she critisized me and abused me. She allowed others including my siblings to make comments regarding the way I dressed also. She also joined in when others were putting me down. This really hurts. It hurts me even more than it did back then because of her denial regarding the effect this abusiveness had upon me. It was never right for her to abuse me nor allow anyone else including my siblings to do so either.
As I had my own children and family I tried my hardest to make them feel loved psychologically, mentally, and emotionally but lived under a sheet of denial to a degree and i still somewhat live under that sheet of denial regarding my childrens emotional, mental, and psychological difficulties being because of my neglect of them. I believed that my constantly telling them I loved them, they were pretty and handsome, that they were speical made up for the neglect they were experiencing in my home by winessing domestic violence which included emoitonal, mental, and psychological abuse by both my husband and I towards eachother. I denied that our abuse of eachother caused any of the childrens issues. For my children to hear and see the manipulation, control, and verbal abuse they saw and me to believe that my childrens issues were not because of what they were experiencing in my home was absured and a big form of my denial and taking responsibilty for my childrens psychological abuse they endured. I sometimes still minimize there experience to a degree but also know the truth of the matter was I neglected my children and caused them psychological difficulties they battle and may always have to battle because of the effects of theior experiences in my home and my DENIAL.
Children are greatly impacted by parents denial. Denial hurts children and causes them more harm than it does the adults or so called parents. In a way to be in denial is neglectful to the children we are parenting and causes tehm harm.
To even be in denial regarding our own mental health issues or a childs mental health issues is neglectful and very harmful to a child. For so long I lived a denial to a degree regarding my psychological difficulties effecting my childrens psych but I now realize that my denial of my own mental health issues and the extent that my actions effected my childrens mental health was neglectful towards my children and hurt tehm greatly. When I was psychologically unstable I was not a good parent and anyone who believes their psychologicla difficulties do not impact a childs life is in DENIAL.
Being a parent in denial can greatly impact children for the rest of their lives and I am sorry i caused my children possibly to have life long difficulties because of my need to avoid the TRUTH.
I thought I loved my children but did not know how to love them. I thought I showed them what I believed love was but me being neglectful and and in denial was not loving them the way they deserved!
Critizing me as a child and teenager, my mother lives in denial regarding the effects I have from her "abuse". Nevermind the physically abuse she perpetrated on me when I was a teenager. I am speciafically more effected by her denial of emotional, mental, and psychological abuse. Her name calling, critisizing, controlling behavior, putdowns, and outwardness regarding my looks were very harmful to me. The more I think about this abuse the more I am bothered because I was not who she wanted me to be, I did not dress the way she wanted me she critisized me and abused me. She allowed others including my siblings to make comments regarding the way I dressed also. She also joined in when others were putting me down. This really hurts. It hurts me even more than it did back then because of her denial regarding the effect this abusiveness had upon me. It was never right for her to abuse me nor allow anyone else including my siblings to do so either.
As I had my own children and family I tried my hardest to make them feel loved psychologically, mentally, and emotionally but lived under a sheet of denial to a degree and i still somewhat live under that sheet of denial regarding my childrens emotional, mental, and psychological difficulties being because of my neglect of them. I believed that my constantly telling them I loved them, they were pretty and handsome, that they were speical made up for the neglect they were experiencing in my home by winessing domestic violence which included emoitonal, mental, and psychological abuse by both my husband and I towards eachother. I denied that our abuse of eachother caused any of the childrens issues. For my children to hear and see the manipulation, control, and verbal abuse they saw and me to believe that my childrens issues were not because of what they were experiencing in my home was absured and a big form of my denial and taking responsibilty for my childrens psychological abuse they endured. I sometimes still minimize there experience to a degree but also know the truth of the matter was I neglected my children and caused them psychological difficulties they battle and may always have to battle because of the effects of theior experiences in my home and my DENIAL.
Children are greatly impacted by parents denial. Denial hurts children and causes them more harm than it does the adults or so called parents. In a way to be in denial is neglectful to the children we are parenting and causes tehm harm.
To even be in denial regarding our own mental health issues or a childs mental health issues is neglectful and very harmful to a child. For so long I lived a denial to a degree regarding my psychological difficulties effecting my childrens psych but I now realize that my denial of my own mental health issues and the extent that my actions effected my childrens mental health was neglectful towards my children and hurt tehm greatly. When I was psychologically unstable I was not a good parent and anyone who believes their psychologicla difficulties do not impact a childs life is in DENIAL.
Being a parent in denial can greatly impact children for the rest of their lives and I am sorry i caused my children possibly to have life long difficulties because of my need to avoid the TRUTH.
I thought I loved my children but did not know how to love them. I thought I showed them what I believed love was but me being neglectful and and in denial was not loving them the way they deserved!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
There are many things I hate about myself. I am not really sure there truly is anything I honestly like about myself. But I guess since this does not say some things and says something I will have to choose to write about just a single thing I hate about myself. So here goes...
I hate that I am scarred. There are very few places I can look at on my body that does not have a self induced scar on it. I am ashamed of my scarring I have caused myself but yet still am unable to take hold of the continuous self destructive pattern that leaves the scars upon my body. I have tried to minimize them and also have tried to use whatever I could to lighten them but to no avail. They will never go away. They remind of the pain I endured and what has caused me to cause harm to myself. They also remind me that there is an option for me to induce more scarring upon myself if I am too distressed and unable to face my emotional pain.
My scars remind me of how much I have destroyed myself and my childrens lives by being unable to cope with my pain and the fear I felt when there was the unknown. My scars remind me of what became my life while fighting for my angels. Instead of truly fighting for my children I instead needed to escape and be cowardly. I was weak and unable to endure the fear of the unknown which was the decision whether or not what i did was good enough to get my kids back or not. The not knowing was what I tried to escape when I needed to avoid the pain I felt in my life.
My scars remind me of how weak I was and still am when it comes to self control and my ability to handle emotional pain. My scars remind of how disgusting my bodie looks and makes me more self conscious than I was before I caused my body to be covered in a secret code of pain inflicted upon myself. The self infliction of cuts upon my body lets me know how worthless I am and was. I hate the many scars that tell the story or my pain without words!!!
I hate that I am scarred. There are very few places I can look at on my body that does not have a self induced scar on it. I am ashamed of my scarring I have caused myself but yet still am unable to take hold of the continuous self destructive pattern that leaves the scars upon my body. I have tried to minimize them and also have tried to use whatever I could to lighten them but to no avail. They will never go away. They remind of the pain I endured and what has caused me to cause harm to myself. They also remind me that there is an option for me to induce more scarring upon myself if I am too distressed and unable to face my emotional pain.
My scars remind me of how much I have destroyed myself and my childrens lives by being unable to cope with my pain and the fear I felt when there was the unknown. My scars remind me of what became my life while fighting for my angels. Instead of truly fighting for my children I instead needed to escape and be cowardly. I was weak and unable to endure the fear of the unknown which was the decision whether or not what i did was good enough to get my kids back or not. The not knowing was what I tried to escape when I needed to avoid the pain I felt in my life.
My scars remind me of how weak I was and still am when it comes to self control and my ability to handle emotional pain. My scars remind of how disgusting my bodie looks and makes me more self conscious than I was before I caused my body to be covered in a secret code of pain inflicted upon myself. The self infliction of cuts upon my body lets me know how worthless I am and was. I hate the many scars that tell the story or my pain without words!!!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Realization of why August triggers me and is difficult for me
Lately there has been alot of things coming to my mind regarding my past and things triggering my childhood. I layed there thinking about this last night while trying to figure a reason for all these thoughts intruding on me recently. I realized that the month of June and august are more so triggers in themselves for me than any other months of the year.
It was June 2006 when my visits with my children were temporarily on hold while an investigation ensued regarding my husband sexually abusing my children. However, when this occured I was not told what was going on only that the visits were being stop enlight of an ivestigation that would take 60 days to complete. Right before the 60 days were up sometime in the middle of August I had to meet with the investigator Lisa Parks. It was then that I found out the alegations and what was being said to my daughters therapist and what was reported to the local social services agency.
The alegations were that my husband had molested my daughter and son. He also had had them doing things to eachother. These alegations through me into a whirlwind of guilt and feeling of my cause of contribution to his abuse towards them.
I ended up trying to kill myself. I overdosed and lived. During the course of the investyigation my son ended up in the child psychiatric unit. He was very angry about not being able to have visits and already was angry about being taken away from his family and placed in foster care away from his parents and his sisters. He was in a foster home with a single mom and his little brother and the foster moms adopted teenage son that had some of his own mental health issues. While in the hospital they allowed me to visit him and had decided to place him in a residential for the safety of his little brother because of his aggression towards his younger brother.
The final decision regarding the sexual abuse alegations and determination came out around the 20th of August of 2006. The determination was that the report was supported on my husband for sexual abuse of my daughter but not of my son. I went into a domestic violence shelter but continued to question the validity of the alegations and the motives. I also questioned myself greatly believeing it was my fault this abuse occured as I had seen signs and fought with him regarding my fear of him abusing her but could never have actual proff for a long time before the children were taken and had discussed this issue with the social workers involved in our case here in Virginia and at one point in Massachustees I reported the fear of him sexually abusing her myself to soicial services. Whe then validated him by saying my children had never been touched and I falsly filed the report.
This issue was triggered recently by an incident in which my boyfriend told me of his cousin sexually abusing a young girl. Then him becoming angry at me for feeling the incident is being covered up because the 24 year old man claims the 11 or 12 year old girl participated in the incident and wanted it. So it was never reported to the aothorities and is just being covered up and minimized. Which triggered some anger and rage within me and my boyfriend and I got into an argument about him hanging around and drinking with a child diddler and being supportive of the denial and cover up. He yelling at me about the validity and my right to say anything about it. And me not having a right to say anything to anyone else who alows their children around this man. Which brought back my own feelinsg of people making me feel unvalidated and as if I needed to just not talk about my abuse and people continuing to talk to and love this man who molested me repeated and using me as a way to fulfill his need for sexual pleasure. This has been a recurring thought lately within myself as I knew what was happening as a teenager was wrong as I had and was in therapy for being molested a s a young girl and not being able to cope. the recurring thoughts have been about me obviously wanting him to do these things to me because I allowed him to. I also soemtimes look at the parts that felt good and I enjoyed which makes me feel as if he was not wrong because I participated at times and it felt good both physically and emotionally to have someone "love" me.
TO BE CONTINUED LATER>>>TOO MUCH RIGHT NOW TO FINISH
It was June 2006 when my visits with my children were temporarily on hold while an investigation ensued regarding my husband sexually abusing my children. However, when this occured I was not told what was going on only that the visits were being stop enlight of an ivestigation that would take 60 days to complete. Right before the 60 days were up sometime in the middle of August I had to meet with the investigator Lisa Parks. It was then that I found out the alegations and what was being said to my daughters therapist and what was reported to the local social services agency.
The alegations were that my husband had molested my daughter and son. He also had had them doing things to eachother. These alegations through me into a whirlwind of guilt and feeling of my cause of contribution to his abuse towards them.
I ended up trying to kill myself. I overdosed and lived. During the course of the investyigation my son ended up in the child psychiatric unit. He was very angry about not being able to have visits and already was angry about being taken away from his family and placed in foster care away from his parents and his sisters. He was in a foster home with a single mom and his little brother and the foster moms adopted teenage son that had some of his own mental health issues. While in the hospital they allowed me to visit him and had decided to place him in a residential for the safety of his little brother because of his aggression towards his younger brother.
The final decision regarding the sexual abuse alegations and determination came out around the 20th of August of 2006. The determination was that the report was supported on my husband for sexual abuse of my daughter but not of my son. I went into a domestic violence shelter but continued to question the validity of the alegations and the motives. I also questioned myself greatly believeing it was my fault this abuse occured as I had seen signs and fought with him regarding my fear of him abusing her but could never have actual proff for a long time before the children were taken and had discussed this issue with the social workers involved in our case here in Virginia and at one point in Massachustees I reported the fear of him sexually abusing her myself to soicial services. Whe then validated him by saying my children had never been touched and I falsly filed the report.
This issue was triggered recently by an incident in which my boyfriend told me of his cousin sexually abusing a young girl. Then him becoming angry at me for feeling the incident is being covered up because the 24 year old man claims the 11 or 12 year old girl participated in the incident and wanted it. So it was never reported to the aothorities and is just being covered up and minimized. Which triggered some anger and rage within me and my boyfriend and I got into an argument about him hanging around and drinking with a child diddler and being supportive of the denial and cover up. He yelling at me about the validity and my right to say anything about it. And me not having a right to say anything to anyone else who alows their children around this man. Which brought back my own feelinsg of people making me feel unvalidated and as if I needed to just not talk about my abuse and people continuing to talk to and love this man who molested me repeated and using me as a way to fulfill his need for sexual pleasure. This has been a recurring thought lately within myself as I knew what was happening as a teenager was wrong as I had and was in therapy for being molested a s a young girl and not being able to cope. the recurring thoughts have been about me obviously wanting him to do these things to me because I allowed him to. I also soemtimes look at the parts that felt good and I enjoyed which makes me feel as if he was not wrong because I participated at times and it felt good both physically and emotionally to have someone "love" me.
TO BE CONTINUED LATER>>>TOO MUCH RIGHT NOW TO FINISH
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