june 13 2008

feeling lost
i feel lost...i had therapy today at 1pm and somehow when i left it was 3 pm...at times i did feel like it was eternity but it didnt seem like it lasted 2 hours since it was only supposed to be one hour...well anyways my therapist is going away on the 18th which is next wednesday and will not return until june 30th yes it really is only 7 work days but it seems like it is going to be so much longer and it is at a time when i need her...we discussed my wanting to kill myself and my plan to do so on the 20th and how i am afraid and really dont wanna hurt anyone if i do we also discussed why it seems when someone dies that people are able to go on and live their lives without it destroying them although it doesnt mean that they dont care and the person who died wasnt important...we discussed my cutting myself this morning and she also preceded to take my razor blade that i carry with me everyone which felt like she was taking the life from me....that was all i have to help me get by and to keep me breathing...i feel like she is testing me and trying to make me live in misery although i have more at the shelter i can not get them until i am allowed back in there at 5 pm and i feel so lonely and lost right now...i need it...i just want to cut so bad but she has stolen that security i had by having my razor with me...she has taken from me the one thing that has kept me breathing and has helped me survived for so long...without it i am alone afraid hurt anxious hopeless and nothing...what can i do...how can i get through...why does she want me to feel so much pain hurt and fear...i want to cry right now but cant...i am at the public library right now and all i can think of is getting my one true friend and the only thing that will help me breathe cause i feel like i am sufficating currently and i can not escape this pain...my lifeline has been stolen and i feel lost without it