january 20 2008

.Each day that goes by I seem to want you back in my life more and more. I know that all you do for me is help me escape and avoid dealing with these agonizing feelings and thoughts that I try over and over to hide from but yet they continue to penetrate my mind hour after hour. I know I shouldn’t need you in my life anymore but I can’t help to think about how much you have gotten me through in my life until this point. Nothing else in this world and no one in this universe has helped through as much as you have. I have used you when I have felt guilt and ashamed for fucking up anything and everything in my life. I needed you and you were there to get me through my agonizing and anguishing hopeless feelings and now I sit here wondering why I have abandoned you so many times but yet you are always there when I come back for you. You were and are always there when I need you most and somehow you are the only thing in my life I can count on. You have helped me get the punishment I so much deserved over the years and also have helped me get by and through my scary and agonizing feelings and thoughts when nothing or no one could get me through them or make them disappear from my mind. You have never turned your back on me when I have been in need of you like so many other things and other people in my life. I know you will help me escape all these painful feelings in my mind that will not dissipate without you. You take them away even if it is just for a short period of time and I need you again to get more relief from you.