Forgiveness is a difficult concept for me to grasp. As forgiving someone else for something they have done that ahs hurt you or effected you you is not really about forgiving for the sake of the other person but it is about forgiving the other person for there hurt they caused you for your own sake. For you to be able to move on, let go, and kind of forget tehir wrong to you.
I have forgave many things in my life that were miniscule and did not cause me as much harm as other tings that I have not been able t forgive people for or forget the pain they caused. I have let go of many hurts but on the other hand cannot grasp the forgivness concept of letting go, forgetting, and moving on from my wounds that are deep within my sole.
There are many things people have done to me in my life that I cannot forgive them for. I cannot move on from, forget about, or let go of the pain they have imbedded in my already wound sole. There are things I would liek to be able to move on from and let go of the pain from that others who are currrently involved in my life has caused and that still gives me difficulties when communicating and interacting with these people. But unfortunately it is difficult for me to let go and move on from these things because I am looking for answers or validation from the other person who needs forgiveness and they will not or cannot give me what I need to e able to let go and move on. Forgiving them for something they did is kinda of a difficult concept as they are still in denial about there actions and it is hard for me to forgive and forget when they deny my feelings about the wound they caused.
I need to work on forgiveness greatly and for this I need to choose one thing I need to forgive someone for and choosing only one is hard but I can do it.
I guess I would say I would like to forgive my mother her abusive; emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and physically; behavior towards me as a teenager. This is very difficult for me as she denies my feelings about it and minimizes her behavior. She refuses to admit she was wrong by abusing me and will not validate my pain and hurt she caused for me throughout life.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
30 Day Blog Challenge
1. Introduce yourself
2. a recent picture of yourself and 15 facts about you
3. a picture of you and your friends
4. a habit that you wish you didn’t have
5. a picture of somewhere you’ve been to
6. favorite super hero and why
7. a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
8. short term goals for this month and why
9. something you’re proud of in the past few days
10.songs you listen to when you’re happy, sad, bored, excited, mad
11. put your iPod on shuffle & list the first 10 songs that come up
12. nicknames you have and why
13. a picture of you last year and now; how you’ve changed since then
14. a pic of u and ur family
15. a song that makes you cry
16. an art piece
17. a talent of yours
18. a hobby of yours
19. a youtube video
20. whatever tickles your fancy
21. your day in great detail
22. a picture of something that make you happy
23. your fears
24. your best friend
25. your beliefs
26. whats in your bag
27. your first kiss
28. something you regret
29. something you miss
30. your dreams
2. a recent picture of yourself and 15 facts about you
3. a picture of you and your friends
4. a habit that you wish you didn’t have
5. a picture of somewhere you’ve been to
6. favorite super hero and why
7. a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
8. short term goals for this month and why
9. something you’re proud of in the past few days
10.songs you listen to when you’re happy, sad, bored, excited, mad
11. put your iPod on shuffle & list the first 10 songs that come up
12. nicknames you have and why
13. a picture of you last year and now; how you’ve changed since then
14. a pic of u and ur family
15. a song that makes you cry
16. an art piece
17. a talent of yours
18. a hobby of yours
19. a youtube video
20. whatever tickles your fancy
21. your day in great detail
22. a picture of something that make you happy
23. your fears
24. your best friend
25. your beliefs
26. whats in your bag
27. your first kiss
28. something you regret
29. something you miss
30. your dreams
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
There are many things that I need to or should forgive myself for. These things are brudeoning to myself emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. They at times run my life and hold me back. These things at times in my life resurface repeatedly only for me to bury them back inside or for me to try and run from them.
Forgiveness for me is a difficult term and one I have a hard time understanding. Forgiveness to menas somehow seems I should be able to let go of whatever it is I am trying to forgive and not continue to feel ashamed or guilty about. It somehow feels as if I forgive myself for something I have done wrong in the past then I am saying it was okay or I no longer deserve to be punished or distraught about the thing.
I have the greatest difficulty with foriving myself more tan forgiving others. But even when I think I have forgiven others and it no longer is a wedge between myself in the person sometimes that same thing that I thought I had forgiven someone about resurfaces and I feel angry again at the person for the incident that I had supposedly forgiven them for. I hold alot of anger inside towards myself and others that have come intoand out of my life and even some of them are currently still in my life. If I truly forgave them or myself for something then I would not have the pent up anger up have about the supposed forgiven incident. Forgiveness is not supposed to be forgetfulness but for me I believe the only way for me to fully be able to forgive someone for something fully would be that I would have to forget about and let go of the incident that I am forgiving completely. Erase it from my memories.
So I guess I must choose 1 thing for this exercise I need to forgive myself for. This is a difficult task for me and one that is hard for me to pinpoint without dredging up everything. I could choose a general topic which would include many specifics that need my forgiveness of myself about or I could pinpoint a single thing to talk about. I am unsure what to choose.
A recurring issue in my life is my childhood and my knowing what occured was wrong, was abuse, and I should stop it. But instead I did not stop it. At times I even liked it and my body got enjoyment from it. At times I even sought after it. But in my mind I knew I should not be allowing it. I knew I should stop it. I knew I should say soemthing to someone. I could have told my therapists in school or the counselors at the residential I went to, or a social worker who came to our house, or my pyschiatrist, or one of the many professionals that were involved in my families lives off and on back them. But I did not say a thing. Instead I allowed it to happen repeatedly over and over. I did not say anything until I had too much and felt imprisioned within it. I felt imprisioned within my secrets. Then when I did tell I was not believed by the sole person I needed to believe me.
This is something I still hide from and cannot talk in details about this si something that emotionally keeps me stuck and imprisoned. I still punish myself for this. I still feel I deserve the pain I have from the effects of what happened. I still cannot forgive and let go of this. Forgiving myself would be telling myself it was okay in my mind and I am unable to do that.
Forgiveness for me is a difficult term and one I have a hard time understanding. Forgiveness to menas somehow seems I should be able to let go of whatever it is I am trying to forgive and not continue to feel ashamed or guilty about. It somehow feels as if I forgive myself for something I have done wrong in the past then I am saying it was okay or I no longer deserve to be punished or distraught about the thing.
I have the greatest difficulty with foriving myself more tan forgiving others. But even when I think I have forgiven others and it no longer is a wedge between myself in the person sometimes that same thing that I thought I had forgiven someone about resurfaces and I feel angry again at the person for the incident that I had supposedly forgiven them for. I hold alot of anger inside towards myself and others that have come intoand out of my life and even some of them are currently still in my life. If I truly forgave them or myself for something then I would not have the pent up anger up have about the supposed forgiven incident. Forgiveness is not supposed to be forgetfulness but for me I believe the only way for me to fully be able to forgive someone for something fully would be that I would have to forget about and let go of the incident that I am forgiving completely. Erase it from my memories.
So I guess I must choose 1 thing for this exercise I need to forgive myself for. This is a difficult task for me and one that is hard for me to pinpoint without dredging up everything. I could choose a general topic which would include many specifics that need my forgiveness of myself about or I could pinpoint a single thing to talk about. I am unsure what to choose.
A recurring issue in my life is my childhood and my knowing what occured was wrong, was abuse, and I should stop it. But instead I did not stop it. At times I even liked it and my body got enjoyment from it. At times I even sought after it. But in my mind I knew I should not be allowing it. I knew I should stop it. I knew I should say soemthing to someone. I could have told my therapists in school or the counselors at the residential I went to, or a social worker who came to our house, or my pyschiatrist, or one of the many professionals that were involved in my families lives off and on back them. But I did not say a thing. Instead I allowed it to happen repeatedly over and over. I did not say anything until I had too much and felt imprisioned within it. I felt imprisioned within my secrets. Then when I did tell I was not believed by the sole person I needed to believe me.
This is something I still hide from and cannot talk in details about this si something that emotionally keeps me stuck and imprisoned. I still punish myself for this. I still feel I deserve the pain I have from the effects of what happened. I still cannot forgive and let go of this. Forgiving myself would be telling myself it was okay in my mind and I am unable to do that.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Denial and Parenting
Growing up my father parenting us when he felt like he wanted us involved in his world. When he did parent us he was always high as he was a pothead and I guess in his mind he could be a good parent while under the influence of drugs. His denial surrounding around the fact that weed did not effect his parenting and he beilieved that parentig us under the influence was not harmful to us I guess. The denial is a belief that is irrational and its effects on me have been angering enough that it hasmade me not want to talk with him or associate myself with him as I have become an adult.
Critizing me as a child and teenager, my mother lives in denial regarding the effects I have from her "abuse". Nevermind the physically abuse she perpetrated on me when I was a teenager. I am speciafically more effected by her denial of emotional, mental, and psychological abuse. Her name calling, critisizing, controlling behavior, putdowns, and outwardness regarding my looks were very harmful to me. The more I think about this abuse the more I am bothered because I was not who she wanted me to be, I did not dress the way she wanted me she critisized me and abused me. She allowed others including my siblings to make comments regarding the way I dressed also. She also joined in when others were putting me down. This really hurts. It hurts me even more than it did back then because of her denial regarding the effect this abusiveness had upon me. It was never right for her to abuse me nor allow anyone else including my siblings to do so either.
As I had my own children and family I tried my hardest to make them feel loved psychologically, mentally, and emotionally but lived under a sheet of denial to a degree and i still somewhat live under that sheet of denial regarding my childrens emotional, mental, and psychological difficulties being because of my neglect of them. I believed that my constantly telling them I loved them, they were pretty and handsome, that they were speical made up for the neglect they were experiencing in my home by winessing domestic violence which included emoitonal, mental, and psychological abuse by both my husband and I towards eachother. I denied that our abuse of eachother caused any of the childrens issues. For my children to hear and see the manipulation, control, and verbal abuse they saw and me to believe that my childrens issues were not because of what they were experiencing in my home was absured and a big form of my denial and taking responsibilty for my childrens psychological abuse they endured. I sometimes still minimize there experience to a degree but also know the truth of the matter was I neglected my children and caused them psychological difficulties they battle and may always have to battle because of the effects of theior experiences in my home and my DENIAL.
Children are greatly impacted by parents denial. Denial hurts children and causes them more harm than it does the adults or so called parents. In a way to be in denial is neglectful to the children we are parenting and causes tehm harm.
To even be in denial regarding our own mental health issues or a childs mental health issues is neglectful and very harmful to a child. For so long I lived a denial to a degree regarding my psychological difficulties effecting my childrens psych but I now realize that my denial of my own mental health issues and the extent that my actions effected my childrens mental health was neglectful towards my children and hurt tehm greatly. When I was psychologically unstable I was not a good parent and anyone who believes their psychologicla difficulties do not impact a childs life is in DENIAL.
Being a parent in denial can greatly impact children for the rest of their lives and I am sorry i caused my children possibly to have life long difficulties because of my need to avoid the TRUTH.
I thought I loved my children but did not know how to love them. I thought I showed them what I believed love was but me being neglectful and and in denial was not loving them the way they deserved!
Critizing me as a child and teenager, my mother lives in denial regarding the effects I have from her "abuse". Nevermind the physically abuse she perpetrated on me when I was a teenager. I am speciafically more effected by her denial of emotional, mental, and psychological abuse. Her name calling, critisizing, controlling behavior, putdowns, and outwardness regarding my looks were very harmful to me. The more I think about this abuse the more I am bothered because I was not who she wanted me to be, I did not dress the way she wanted me she critisized me and abused me. She allowed others including my siblings to make comments regarding the way I dressed also. She also joined in when others were putting me down. This really hurts. It hurts me even more than it did back then because of her denial regarding the effect this abusiveness had upon me. It was never right for her to abuse me nor allow anyone else including my siblings to do so either.
As I had my own children and family I tried my hardest to make them feel loved psychologically, mentally, and emotionally but lived under a sheet of denial to a degree and i still somewhat live under that sheet of denial regarding my childrens emotional, mental, and psychological difficulties being because of my neglect of them. I believed that my constantly telling them I loved them, they were pretty and handsome, that they were speical made up for the neglect they were experiencing in my home by winessing domestic violence which included emoitonal, mental, and psychological abuse by both my husband and I towards eachother. I denied that our abuse of eachother caused any of the childrens issues. For my children to hear and see the manipulation, control, and verbal abuse they saw and me to believe that my childrens issues were not because of what they were experiencing in my home was absured and a big form of my denial and taking responsibilty for my childrens psychological abuse they endured. I sometimes still minimize there experience to a degree but also know the truth of the matter was I neglected my children and caused them psychological difficulties they battle and may always have to battle because of the effects of theior experiences in my home and my DENIAL.
Children are greatly impacted by parents denial. Denial hurts children and causes them more harm than it does the adults or so called parents. In a way to be in denial is neglectful to the children we are parenting and causes tehm harm.
To even be in denial regarding our own mental health issues or a childs mental health issues is neglectful and very harmful to a child. For so long I lived a denial to a degree regarding my psychological difficulties effecting my childrens psych but I now realize that my denial of my own mental health issues and the extent that my actions effected my childrens mental health was neglectful towards my children and hurt tehm greatly. When I was psychologically unstable I was not a good parent and anyone who believes their psychologicla difficulties do not impact a childs life is in DENIAL.
Being a parent in denial can greatly impact children for the rest of their lives and I am sorry i caused my children possibly to have life long difficulties because of my need to avoid the TRUTH.
I thought I loved my children but did not know how to love them. I thought I showed them what I believed love was but me being neglectful and and in denial was not loving them the way they deserved!
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Alright here goes...I am supposed to write about something I love about myself but am unsure there is anything I truly LOVE about myself as I do not have a tangable understanding of LOVE and what it is and what it means.
I know it means something differnet for everyone. But I do not believe I love anything or anyone. I like things and people but I do not have a great understanding of LOVE so therefor I am not going to write about anything I love about myself although I will write about somethings that I like about myself.
Even finding things I like about myself is difficult for me but here goes I will try to write about something that I am atleast okay with.
I like the fact that I have survived and soemwhat overcome many things that life has thrown my way. I may not have gotten passed them totally but if I am still here then I still have a chance of getting totally through them and being ok.
I like my ability to empathize and understand others in life who are struggling. I also like my ability to self teach myself and leanr on my own as it is difficult for me to be taught by someone else who I feel and believe does not have the ability to understand my ways of learning and truly does not realize who I truly am.
I like my desire to grow even if I get discouraged I still keep fighting my demons and struggle to overcome my own beliefs and keep fighting to gain knowledge. Even if I do not use the knowledge for myself i have the ability to remember and gain knowledge that I can use to help others in life who are struggling.
I guess this is all good things that Ilike about myself. When I began this topic i had a difficult time thinking there was anything I really like about myself but after sitting down here and beginning to write I found a few things I Like about myself.
I know it means something differnet for everyone. But I do not believe I love anything or anyone. I like things and people but I do not have a great understanding of LOVE so therefor I am not going to write about anything I love about myself although I will write about somethings that I like about myself.
Even finding things I like about myself is difficult for me but here goes I will try to write about something that I am atleast okay with.
I like the fact that I have survived and soemwhat overcome many things that life has thrown my way. I may not have gotten passed them totally but if I am still here then I still have a chance of getting totally through them and being ok.
I like my ability to empathize and understand others in life who are struggling. I also like my ability to self teach myself and leanr on my own as it is difficult for me to be taught by someone else who I feel and believe does not have the ability to understand my ways of learning and truly does not realize who I truly am.
I like my desire to grow even if I get discouraged I still keep fighting my demons and struggle to overcome my own beliefs and keep fighting to gain knowledge. Even if I do not use the knowledge for myself i have the ability to remember and gain knowledge that I can use to help others in life who are struggling.
I guess this is all good things that Ilike about myself. When I began this topic i had a difficult time thinking there was anything I really like about myself but after sitting down here and beginning to write I found a few things I Like about myself.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
There are many things I hate about myself. I am not really sure there truly is anything I honestly like about myself. But I guess since this does not say some things and says something I will have to choose to write about just a single thing I hate about myself. So here goes...
I hate that I am scarred. There are very few places I can look at on my body that does not have a self induced scar on it. I am ashamed of my scarring I have caused myself but yet still am unable to take hold of the continuous self destructive pattern that leaves the scars upon my body. I have tried to minimize them and also have tried to use whatever I could to lighten them but to no avail. They will never go away. They remind of the pain I endured and what has caused me to cause harm to myself. They also remind me that there is an option for me to induce more scarring upon myself if I am too distressed and unable to face my emotional pain.
My scars remind me of how much I have destroyed myself and my childrens lives by being unable to cope with my pain and the fear I felt when there was the unknown. My scars remind me of what became my life while fighting for my angels. Instead of truly fighting for my children I instead needed to escape and be cowardly. I was weak and unable to endure the fear of the unknown which was the decision whether or not what i did was good enough to get my kids back or not. The not knowing was what I tried to escape when I needed to avoid the pain I felt in my life.
My scars remind me of how weak I was and still am when it comes to self control and my ability to handle emotional pain. My scars remind of how disgusting my bodie looks and makes me more self conscious than I was before I caused my body to be covered in a secret code of pain inflicted upon myself. The self infliction of cuts upon my body lets me know how worthless I am and was. I hate the many scars that tell the story or my pain without words!!!
I hate that I am scarred. There are very few places I can look at on my body that does not have a self induced scar on it. I am ashamed of my scarring I have caused myself but yet still am unable to take hold of the continuous self destructive pattern that leaves the scars upon my body. I have tried to minimize them and also have tried to use whatever I could to lighten them but to no avail. They will never go away. They remind of the pain I endured and what has caused me to cause harm to myself. They also remind me that there is an option for me to induce more scarring upon myself if I am too distressed and unable to face my emotional pain.
My scars remind me of how much I have destroyed myself and my childrens lives by being unable to cope with my pain and the fear I felt when there was the unknown. My scars remind me of what became my life while fighting for my angels. Instead of truly fighting for my children I instead needed to escape and be cowardly. I was weak and unable to endure the fear of the unknown which was the decision whether or not what i did was good enough to get my kids back or not. The not knowing was what I tried to escape when I needed to avoid the pain I felt in my life.
My scars remind me of how weak I was and still am when it comes to self control and my ability to handle emotional pain. My scars remind of how disgusting my bodie looks and makes me more self conscious than I was before I caused my body to be covered in a secret code of pain inflicted upon myself. The self infliction of cuts upon my body lets me know how worthless I am and was. I hate the many scars that tell the story or my pain without words!!!
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