Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

There are many things that I need to or should forgive myself for. These things are brudeoning to myself emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. They at times run my life and hold me back. These things at times in my life resurface repeatedly only for me to bury them back inside or for me to try and run from them.

Forgiveness for me is a difficult term and one I have a hard time understanding. Forgiveness to menas somehow seems I should be able to let go of whatever it is I am trying to forgive and not continue to feel ashamed or guilty about. It somehow feels as if I forgive myself for something I have done wrong in the past then I am saying it was okay or I no longer deserve to be punished or distraught about the thing.

I have the greatest difficulty with foriving myself more tan forgiving others. But even when I think I have forgiven others and it no longer is a wedge between myself in the person sometimes that same thing that I thought I had forgiven someone about resurfaces and I feel angry again at the person for the incident that I had supposedly forgiven them for. I hold alot of anger inside towards myself and others that have come intoand out of my life and even some of them are currently still in my life. If I truly forgave them or myself for something then I would not have the pent up anger up have about the supposed forgiven incident. Forgiveness is not supposed to be forgetfulness but for me I believe the only way for me to fully be able to forgive someone for something fully would be that I would have to forget about and let go of the incident that I am forgiving completely. Erase it from my memories.

So I guess I must choose 1 thing for this exercise I need to forgive myself for. This is a difficult task for me and one that is hard for me to pinpoint without dredging up everything. I could choose a general topic which would include many specifics that need my forgiveness of myself about or I could pinpoint a single thing to talk about. I am unsure what to choose.

A recurring issue in my life is my childhood and my knowing what occured was wrong, was abuse, and I should stop it. But instead I did not stop it. At times I even liked it and my body got enjoyment from it. At times I even sought after it. But in my mind I knew I should not be allowing it. I knew I should stop it. I knew I should say soemthing to someone. I could have told my therapists in school or the counselors at the residential I went to, or a social worker who came to our house, or my pyschiatrist, or one of the many professionals that were involved in my families lives off and on back them. But I did not say a thing. Instead I allowed it to happen repeatedly over and over. I did not say anything until I had too much and felt imprisioned within it. I felt imprisioned within my secrets. Then when I did tell I was not believed by the sole person I needed to believe me.

This is something I still hide from and cannot talk in details about this si something that emotionally keeps me stuck and imprisoned. I still punish myself for this. I still feel I deserve the pain I have from the effects of what happened. I still cannot forgive and let go of this. Forgiving myself would be telling myself it was okay in my mind and I am unable to do that.