may 15 2008 dream

i remember it fealt so real and i am very much bothered by it since it has been a bit over 2 years that my brother has been out of prison and his probabtion for another crime that happened in january is gonna be ending in july and his daugjhter just turned a year old and his baby girl is due june 18th but they are gonna do c section before that on may 29th because the baby is not growing but anyways...i was attending some type of day program when my brother showed up but yet was acting very strange and kept writing things on a paper sitting next to me at a table but yet wouldnt let me see it and kept telling me when the day is done remeber i love you and take care of my babies well all a sudden everything went into choas in the buolding and people were running someone had called in a bomb threat during all the chaos my brother disappeared there were cops everywhere and they arrested my brother but some how he got free and when they finally thought they caught him everything settled down in the mean time as they were walking the man out i turned to tell him i loved him and to stay strong he could get through the jail time again and it wasnt him but i didnt say anything to the police at the end of the day i went to speak with one of the staff to let out my guilt about not saying something while we were sitting in a vehicle next to mine talking i began to get paranoid then realized the light on in my car when the staff member went to my car to check it out she opened the front door and found a black man hiding there then in the back my brother was covered with blankets dying as i ran to the car and held him the man in the front turned to the back and shoved some pills in my brothers month when i screamed at him he turned to me with an evil look and said this is what he wants bitch now deal with it the staff got him out of the vehicle and i beghan to tell my brother not to die on me as we awaited an ambulance i begged them not to call the police he started to gag and also was pale and seemed like he was fading i shoved my hand down his throat and made him throw up i sat there with his head in my lap and he was throwing up all over my lap but it didnt faze me i just wanted him to stay alivee the ambulance and police pulled up the cuffed him and he was standing there cuffed and i kept telling him sorry i promise i will look after the girls and kept repeating i promise i promise i promise...then i awakened crying with tears coming down my face and panicing my chest was caving in on me i took my deep breathes the best i could ubtil the panic ended...then i started remembering all the things in my life i promised and the tears continued to fall as i write this remembering the most devastating promise to me i made that i failed was as they were taking my kids i turned to my 4 and 5 year old and said i promise i will get you back moma loves you and i am gonna fight for you and get you back i promise and my kids cried as i took them to the car to put them in and put their seat belts on i had already put the 23 and 11 month olds in the car...my heart broke that day as the car drove away and faded i had an emptiness from that moment i have never been able to fill for good but i knew in my heart i would never get them back and i promised something to them and then broke that promise...i was broken and dont think i gave it my all i think i just gave up and i feel guilty and ashamed for that...i feel i failed them...i failed as a mother to all that mattered to me...now they are all moving on with their lives and being adopted and i am stuck...i will never make another promise in my life so then why in this dream is this where i woke up at and promising something else i know i am incapable of doing why did i dream what i dreamed and why is it i only remember my dreams when they are bad and i awken crying sad in a panic or scared...why is it i only remeber dreaming when they are nightmares otherwise i dont remebr dreaming at all maybe i dont unless i have nightmares or bad things occur in the dream i dunno i need to get some more sleep i only fell asleep around 330am and awakened around 2 hours later so i havent really slept much and after that panic i feel drain and need to get some sleep

may 12 2008

today has been a very productive day i believe it started out this morning getting something faxed that needed to be faxed for a housing application i was having my mother put in for me. then i met with the local nes station and did an interview about the treatment center closing that i utilize so much when i cant deal with sh*t happening in my life. then i went and got gas in the car went to my psychiatrist appointment which by time i got there i was wired and had a very hard time sitting still. from there i went to my relaxation group and group therapy where we had a going away party for someone that i have been friends with for along time who is moving to florida this weekend. after that i had to go get copies of court documents that prove that all mine and my husbands rights had been terminated in order for legal aid to proceed with my divorce filing. well i gave them copies which they took copies of and gave them back to me. I preceded to read them and when i did my mood just dropped instantly and i began to start thinking bout self harm whuich yesturday i just couldnt get it out of my head but i did not act on my urges to cut myself. well its weird because only a few times in my life have i self harmed by punching walls and breaking my bone in my hand well a few weeks ago i went through all thses obsessive thoughts about wanting to break my hand by smashing with a hammer. well a bit ago i found myself beginning to tap my hand with the hammer on top where the bones are closer to the surface but it wasnt enough i wanted to do it harder and i want to break my hand but i dont know why this is how i want to harm myself i just cant get the thinking and wanting to do it out of my head. why dont i just cut instead where i know that will help me become numb and emotionless. why do i feel the need to break my bone i have broken one bone in the other hand once and caused my hand to swell up several times as if it was broken but never has been since then but why now is this the way i am obsessing on hurting myself.i really want to but am trying not to do it .

may 18 2008

i am in a trauma recovery group and we are into the difficult part of the group where we are working on our abuse issues and i have not been doing my health work because i have not wanted to rehash this shit lately but i guess i really need to deal with some of it other wise i will just have wasted my time and everyone elses time in this group and not really gotten anywhere by doing the group and not working on me. last week was to write our life story on our physical abuse we endured in our life and i didnt do it but i will try to start with what i am supposed to be doing this week and go back and do that another time...well here goes i guess.............................................................................................................. .......................................................................................................................



It started when i was young not to sure of what age really but i do know that what i have been told is i was around 4 years old. My fathers brother david molested me and my brother...i was around 6 years old when my brother told otherwse i am sure it would have continued since he molested many of my cousins even his own children, my mother when she was a teenager even after she was with my father...she had me when she was 16 and he had been molesting her before she had me and after so i really dont understand why she would leave me and my brother alone with him knowing what he did...there is not much of it i remeber from back then but there are very slight pieces of things i remeber like his face and him giving me change after he did what he did...he would have me rub him in his genital area and he put his penis in my mouth...there are times when i see him standing over me and it seems like it is happening only it isnt...i never remebered any details of what happened until the past year and half when i guess after finding out my daughter was molested by my husband bits and pieces of this started occuring and it has been difficult...it all stopped once my brother told and we were put into foster care not long after all that shit came out but i never talked about it and just didnt remember...then after i came home from residential when i was 11 almost 12 my mother had a boyfriend at some point that she wasnt with long and they broke up when he went back to his wife but we were living in bradford on south pleasant street and i had my own room and i believe it happened on 2 occasions where he came in there when he was drinking he would start to rub me between my legs...i could smell the alcohol on his breathe and he would tell me how much i looked like my mom...i dont really think that affected me much because it wasnt a major event in my life it was very brief and i dont feel it had an impact on me...when i was 12 my mother was dating my fathers brother stephan...It was a saturday afternoon and my mother was at work. i was laying on her bed in her bedroom which at the time was the room next to mine.we were living on 11th ave...i was watching a movie and i am not sure where my 2 brothers were or my sister but stephan had come home early from work not really sure why. as i layed there he came and layed on the bed next to me which did not make me uncomfortable at that moment...when he began touching my breast area and slowly moved down to my genitals i became frozen...i knew what was going on was wrong i knew he shouldnt have been touching me but i was scared and nervious...for some reason i could not do anything or say anything to make him stop i was frozen for a moment and i remeber it actually felt okay he told me after he was done and i had jerked him off not to ever tell anyone or he would get into trouble and he asked me if i wanted to get him into trouble and i said no he then made me promise i wasnt going to tell anyone and i promised not to. he then gave me cigarrettes and a 10 dollar bill...i remeber i had to tell my mother that i found the money while at the park on the next street over...so many times he gave me money after we did things it became like he was paying me to have sex with him but at the time i didnt realize that...he always reminded me to keep this our secret and never to tell anyone...he began to favor me over the other kids and when my mother would hit me he would protect me from her by saying something to her to get her to stop hurting me...i felt he cared and that he would protect me because i felt i was important to him and i mattered...there were many nights when my mother was working that he would come to my room and have sex with me and at times i remeber enjoying it...he always told me how pretty i was and he constantly talked through the sex and had me talk to him dirty during it and i did he would say for me to tell im what i wanted and i would tell him fuck me or harder and i was just a fucked up teenager learning all this shit from porn movies he would watch with me or from him a 42 year old man...then i got pregnant with my sone at the age of 14 until corey was born i was so scared after finding out i was pregnant and thinking people were now going to find out and he just kept telling me not to say anything or the baby would be taken from me and he continued this but my son wasnt his...i had had sex with a guy that lived with my father a few times and i also had sex with several other men who i didnt know i would go to parks and watch men that were alone...i would make sexual gestures and expressions to them to seduce them i had become a whore by the age of 14...then my son was born and the sex neevr stopped between stephan and i even after i was tried killing myself when my son was 6 weeks old...i was put into the hospital and then into a residential in rowley where i would get passes to go home and he would pick me up and drive me home or drive me back and he would stop somewhere on the way and i would suck his dick or we would have sex and i still felt like he cared and that even though it shouldnt be happening i continued to do it...then there were the times i was in the psychiatric hospital when he would have sex with me on the way back to the hospital from pass which is the last time anything happened with him when i finally told someone at the mcleans hospital after cutting myself when getting back...we had pulled over into a the dark corner of a hotel parking lot on the way back to the hospital and we had sex and then he dropped me off...there were many nights in those 4 years that even when i didnmt want it he pressured me into doing something with him but it also became like just a part of myy life...my mother went to work and i fucked her boyfriend...there were the times when he came into the shower while i was showering and so many times i just dont remember...there are so much in my life at that time that most of those 4 years i dont remember...even when i had sex with my mothers friends husband it was like i couldnt say no i would just do it to get it over with because he wanted it...i dont remeber a whole lot about details but i do remeber some and i guess this is just the beginnign of it because there is just so much that happened and i times i dont remeber anything then other times i remeber more but right now i just feel like blocked and cant remember a whole lot more than this

may 28 2008

well had a long weekend and went back to school yesterday...i got an 80 on my test from last week and have another one tommorow then another quiz friday morning had a quiz yesterday also and got 100 on that but i dont know even though it is going okay i dont feel like going anymore i am getting depressed already and dont want to stay living here where i am living...i am thinking of going to live on the street for the month...i guess i am just sick of being lied to and manipulated by my room mate and so much other shit that happens here...i have lived on the street in the past for 6 months almost in massachusettes and did fine...it will help me save money and i would be able to stay away from here and all the bullshit that goes on here with his drinking and smoking weed and crack it seems i get caught up in it every month even when i tell him i dont want to and i dont want to be involved i get trapped...he continues to harrass me until i give in then there goes my whole check gone for the month because with him u have to keep getting more and more...then he drinks and smokes weed the rest of the month and it is okay with everyone here even though they say it is not they pay for it for him and allow it...his mom is the worst about it since she is spending her money and going to the store to get it for him...they are nioce people but they dont uinderstand that i cant handle this shit and they dont know he gets me involved with it...i am so stuck...i just want to have some peace but am afraid if i move from here i wont be able to get another place soon and i will be on the streets forever and something could happen to me...i am also afraid i might end up failing school and or missing school and shit like that...i dunno what to do i just know being here is not healthy for me at all

may 22 2008

well this morning had my first test of this 5 week crammed principles of psychology class i am taking and wont recieve my score until tuesday although i did get a 100 on my quiz yesterday but that was pretty simple it was match up type quiz and only 10 questions the test was 40 questions multiple choice and much more difficult than the quiz...the quiz didnt even represent the test at all i dont think i did too well but i guess i will have to wait and see...i have had alot of anxiety alot more than usual since starting schoool monday but i have been managing although the urges to self harm have been there i havent acted on them it has been 5 weeks and 2 days and i feel like i am downslidding back into the whole needing it and feelings of doing it and obsessiveness that comes along with the self harming i feel like my doing well for this period of time is coming to an end and i am worried because when i let things like this go and go without giving in i eventually do it but do it to a worse extent then if i just gave in but i am trying to not give into it this time i am finally doing something good for myself even if it is causing alot of anxiety and i need to continue doing it but june 20th is coming up so fast and i have my final on that day also and am afraid i will not be able to concentrate on the final because all my feelings and thoughts associated with the loss of my parental rights to my 4 youngest children last june 20th and originally i had planned to kill myself on that date but have been not really obsessing over that plan anymore and really have avoided thinkiing about it at all although after talking with some people today i realize i have a reservation still about it since i have managed to get a stock pile of some pills and am having a difficult time of letting that go and giving them up so i dont do it but also am not wanting to do it right now although i have them just incase so i am not sure what the future holds for me but right now i am just trying to get through day to day and stay self harm free even though i am falling back into the needing thinking

june 4 2008

well been staying in a shelter since saturday. been rough for me to study cant focus and cant do anything except obsess over cutting...well i fucked up monday and cut but not too bad...i had been looking for an excuse and when i got the reason to use as an excuse i instantly did it like i was on autopilot...well in the long run i am feeling miserable and having a difficult time and can not stand life at this time...i want to just quit school and say fuck everything but havent so right now i am managing and crying alot and falling apart instead...the shelter is difficult have to be out by 830 in am and can not come back in until 5 pm and have to be in by 10 pm but i try to be in bed by 9 and there is a resident meeting tonight at 10 pm and i have to get up by 5 just to catch 615 bus to catch 715 bus just to get to college at 730 for my 8 am class and i am emotionally crashing and feel like i am going to end up in the hospital soon and i know it will fuck up my schooling but i might just end up killing myself instead

june 13 2008

well already my day is starting out horrible...i tried to go to my primary care doctor which this is the second time this week i have attempted to be a walk in and when i got there at 7:36 this morning they were already no longer accepting walkins which they dont open until 7:30 so i was told by the security guard to come back tommorrow which is saterday and get there at 7 am even though they dont open until 730 that is what i am going to do...my anxiety has sky rocketed these past few weeks and maybe its because of school or the fact that as of june 20th it will be a year since i lost my rights to my children and i cant handle the thought of living through that day...i am trying to get them to put me back on clonipine for a few months to get through this shit...i stopped taking my buspar 2 weeks ago because it wasnt doing anything to help my anxiety which is the reason i was on it and the psychiatrist just keeps raising it and it still is not working so in my opinion why keep taking something that is not helping although instead of having 1 or 2 anxiety attacks a week i am having 4 or 5 and getting severe headaches and cant breathe and breaking out with hives whenever i start to feel anxious...i am wanting to cut more and more which i did cut this morning and felt better but now i feel i need to do it again because i feel like the relief was just really short lived and i am back to feeling anxiety ridden...i have therapy this afternoon at 1pm and really am not wanting to go i am debating on just not showing up since she is going on vacation for the next 2 weeks anyways and my case manger is already on vacation until june 23rd....then i was supposed to be getting a new case manager when she got back and was told yesterday by the new one that it is being put on hold for now and i am thinking that now i am probably will never get to have the new case manager which is one i requested and a co leader of my trauma group and i have a pretty good relationship with her that i feel would help benefit my recovery more than the old case manager i have which jhas only been my case manager for 6 months and i dont feel i am getting to fatr with her although i have gotten farther with her then i had with the prvious on that i had for about 18 months...i just know that deborah the one i requested is a very dedicated individual who has 14 years in recovery from drugs and is very active in the 12 step program and has been there for me through court when i was in crisis stabilization last year when i lost my parental rights to my children and she will make me work at my recovery she is a very assertive individual and will strive to help me become what i need to become in life she wont just leave me by the wayside struggling on my own...i have been going to na meetings about everyother day but dont feel i fit in since my true addicxtion is to cutting and alls i ever hear in the meetings is about people having urges to use drugs or how they stopped using drugs and shit like that i feel lost and hopeless and dont really feel i fit in anywhere...i have been clean from drugs for the past 2 weeks and i have stayed away from old aquaintances who use which is the onlyu time i use is when i hang out with people who use i dont use alone and dont think about using unless i am with people who are using and they offer it to me...but i obsess over cutting myself daily and it is a daily struggle for me...lately i have been actively thinking about my suicide plan that i have been planning for a long time now...well actually since my therapist told me last year to give it a year and if i still feel the same way then we can talk about it then but not to make a rash descision about ending my life since i had just gone through the tramatic event of losing my

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