may 15 2008 dream

i remember it fealt so real and i am very much bothered by it since it has been a bit over 2 years that my brother has been out of prison and his probabtion for another crime that happened in january is gonna be ending in july and his daugjhter just turned a year old and his baby girl is due june 18th but they are gonna do c section before that on may 29th because the baby is not growing but anyways...i was attending some type of day program when my brother showed up but yet was acting very strange and kept writing things on a paper sitting next to me at a table but yet wouldnt let me see it and kept telling me when the day is done remeber i love you and take care of my babies well all a sudden everything went into choas in the buolding and people were running someone had called in a bomb threat during all the chaos my brother disappeared there were cops everywhere and they arrested my brother but some how he got free and when they finally thought they caught him everything settled down in the mean time as they were walking the man out i turned to tell him i loved him and to stay strong he could get through the jail time again and it wasnt him but i didnt say anything to the police at the end of the day i went to speak with one of the staff to let out my guilt about not saying something while we were sitting in a vehicle next to mine talking i began to get paranoid then realized the light on in my car when the staff member went to my car to check it out she opened the front door and found a black man hiding there then in the back my brother was covered with blankets dying as i ran to the car and held him the man in the front turned to the back and shoved some pills in my brothers month when i screamed at him he turned to me with an evil look and said this is what he wants bitch now deal with it the staff got him out of the vehicle and i beghan to tell my brother not to die on me as we awaited an ambulance i begged them not to call the police he started to gag and also was pale and seemed like he was fading i shoved my hand down his throat and made him throw up i sat there with his head in my lap and he was throwing up all over my lap but it didnt faze me i just wanted him to stay alivee the ambulance and police pulled up the cuffed him and he was standing there cuffed and i kept telling him sorry i promise i will look after the girls and kept repeating i promise i promise i promise...then i awakened crying with tears coming down my face and panicing my chest was caving in on me i took my deep breathes the best i could ubtil the panic ended...then i started remembering all the things in my life i promised and the tears continued to fall as i write this remembering the most devastating promise to me i made that i failed was as they were taking my kids i turned to my 4 and 5 year old and said i promise i will get you back moma loves you and i am gonna fight for you and get you back i promise and my kids cried as i took them to the car to put them in and put their seat belts on i had already put the 23 and 11 month olds in the car...my heart broke that day as the car drove away and faded i had an emptiness from that moment i have never been able to fill for good but i knew in my heart i would never get them back and i promised something to them and then broke that promise...i was broken and dont think i gave it my all i think i just gave up and i feel guilty and ashamed for that...i feel i failed them...i failed as a mother to all that mattered to me...now they are all moving on with their lives and being adopted and i am stuck...i will never make another promise in my life so then why in this dream is this where i woke up at and promising something else i know i am incapable of doing why did i dream what i dreamed and why is it i only remember my dreams when they are bad and i awken crying sad in a panic or scared...why is it i only remeber dreaming when they are nightmares otherwise i dont remebr dreaming at all maybe i dont unless i have nightmares or bad things occur in the dream i dunno i need to get some more sleep i only fell asleep around 330am and awakened around 2 hours later so i havent really slept much and after that panic i feel drain and need to get some sleep