update

well it has been a long time since I have written. The reason being is not that I have had nothing to write about or say but it is because I have been very busy building my life the way I desire it to be. my life that I am hoping someday will be a life worth living. at the moment I am schooling and have my son living with me. I also have been doing fairly well. I am still no longer in DBT but can pretty much say I am constantly using my skills even if I have not been consciously using them.

I have had an idea recently regarding asking the new mental health walk in center if I could possibly lead a peer run DBT support group as a volunteer. I am afraid of asking only because I am afraid of be let down by getting an answer of no and feeling as if I am not good enough to do it even though I have the knowledge to do it I have not been consistently stable in my own life for very long so I am afraid they may say no for fear I will fall down.

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Life shows up so often

Last week my carefully planned suicide failed. I am not sure how carefully planned it really was as although I had researched it for weeks and waited until my son left on his trip to massachusettes I only took half the pills I had planned on taken and got high on crack cocaine right before taking them and then although I had planned on cutting my wrist straight up the vein I ended up cutting it on a diagonal. Alls it did was end me up in ICU for 4 days and with 27 staples and 11 stitches in my wrist. It did do some damage to my nerves as my hand is stillnumb halfway through it and i have achy pain near the side where the vein got cut. It also left me with a bunch of days unable to tell you about as their is no memerories from them including the many conversations I had at the hospital. I did manage to stay out of the psychiatric unit although then felt I needed to be in one since I left ICU. I had therapy monday after being discharged from ICU friday and not sure it was very productive or much of it was set in as in my mind I still planned on finishing myself off. I met with my ehs mental health support worker and then decided yesterday after have a major emotionally traumatizing fight with my now ex boyfriend as we broke up I decided that I needed help. I went and tried to get into crisis stabilization and was turned down as I have been there too many times in the past 3 years and have had many problems while in the program so therefore they denied me the service. Instead I am on a crisis plan which just entails that I will still see my therapist which at this point is weekley but had been biweekley and I will also meet withy the crisis coordnator who at one time was my case manager a few times over the next few weeks to try and get myself and my life back on track before classes begin August 24th. School will also give me soemthing more to do once it starts although it in the past has helped keep me somewhat stable I still have not been able to completely organize keep focused keep up or stay stable throughout the whol semester which will end in december so we will see and alls I can do is try for now. I still have the option of killing myself if none of this helps and even if it helps temporarily killing myself is still an option.

Thrown in my face

Well not last night but the night before and into yesterday morning someone I thought really cared and who I had told a brief bit about my dirty past as a child and teenager when I was molested repeatedly for years by my uncles and my moms boyfriend. Now alls I had told him was that I was molested and at what ages. I also had told him about the being emotionally and mentally and physically abused by my mother and that my relationship with my father was on and off and now I choose to have no relationship with him because of how he chose to be during my childhood. The person I was dating and I thought cared through it all in my face confirming what I have always beleived about trusting people with my dirtiness. He confirmed also for me what type of person he was and that he was only here to find my weaknesses and take advantage of them after seeing his friend/cousin had hurt me and taken advantage of me for 8 months. Well this so called man I have been with for 5 months summarized my life for me and let me know that I wanted the abuse as a child. I asked for it and I allowed it to happen. which all these things are repeated things I have believed myself and my therapist has beeen working with me for a long time trying to convince me different. But no even others believe what I beleive. I was molested as a little girl and when it start again at 12 I had already known it was wrong and should not happen. I also was in t herapy at the time and went to an alternative school where I met with my therapist several times a week and neevr said anything. Maybe I did ask for it? Maybe I knew it was wrong and liked it. Some of it did feel good and I also did feel ashamed and guilty at the same time as it was happening although felt as if he was my protector and I owed it to him. He sometimes stood up to and fought with my mother over the way she treated me and would stop her from abusing me physically. Sometimes I felt it was okay and enjoyed it. Other times i felt as if he was sufficating and smothering me and I layed their not really there. Knowing what was happening but yet not really being there. I was there physically and some of my mind was present as I knew what was occuring but yet sometimes i did not feel the sex.
This man who through this in my face has hurt me more than anyone of these people in my childhood. I feel like in the 3 hours he was throwing all this in my face he was in my head and knew everything. He told me things that i had not told him. I feel he undid all I have done in therapy and my trauma group I completed last year even though it was not much and I hardly ever face the sexual abuse issue it was something I brought up with him because he was uncircumcised and the man who molested me from the age of 12-16 years old was the only other uncircumcised mans penis I had seen and when I saw his I panicked the first time and had to tell him that I was abused sexually by my mothers boyfriend/my dads brother from the ages of 12-16 an dhe was uncircumcised and that I sorry for panicking but it caught me off guard. For him to then turn all it on me as I have always done to myself seems to me that it must be true. I wanted it. I enjoyed it. I asked for it. It was my fault. I am a whore and can not say no. I will always be a whore and dirty as I continue to allow men to do what they want even when I tell them NO. I continue to give in when pushed as I did back then. There were many nights I pretended I was sleeping and when he came in my room I would push him away as if I was sleeping and was just moving but yet then would be a pushover and let him do it. Some nights i undressed and slept naked waiting for him to come into my room. Some nights I just wanted him to hurry up and get it over and done with. Sometimes I played into it and enjoyed it. I listened to his talking dirty to me and when he told me "is that what you want" there were many nights I said yes. There were many nights i would talk dirty to him as he was doin what he was doing. Many times I felt sufficated. I still even while writing this and when thinking about it feel as if I am suficated. My chest feels tight. I can feel his heaviness of his body ontop of my chest. I need to go I can nto write no more I have to go get away from this stuff right now.

going through some emotions

My son had his first dte today and when he first asked the girl who was my neighbors daughter I was excited. My son is 14 1/2 years old and not a very outgoing boy as he hasnever been a real socialite. But once he gets to know you he is very friendly and social but not unti feeling comortable. He is not a teenager as there is out there today. He is not criminalized. He is a quiet respectable boy. My son opened the car door for this girl then she went around the other side of the car and said she was going to get in on the other side. Then he bought her supper. Yes mcdonalds but it was with his money he worked for and saved to ake her out and that is where she said she wanted to go. Then he went to the movies and watched th Hanna Montana movie because she wanted to. He did everything a young respectfl boy should do and she is nothing but a slimy loser. Later this evening when she got back hours late he invited her up to sit by the fire. she came up here and brought 2 friends only to leave him by the fire alone and hang on my porch with her friends. He looked so sad ad lonely sitting thee by the fire. I came in the house ater he announcing He is not her type because he is not "GHETTO" or "REDNECK" enough. He is too nice she said. She also said he is too young as she will not date anyone younger than 18 becauseit makes her feel like a child and as if she is molesting them. Well my son is not into sex yet ad as this is his first interest in girls and all that sort of thng and I felt so bad when she rejected him the way she did and is still sitting out there and heis still out there by the fire. I came in and cried as I fel somewhat as if it is mine and my mothers fault for being overly protective and sheler him throughout his life to protect him from being like what society portrays teenagers to be. My son is not the typical teenager and I am glad he is not but in a way I feel like because he has been moved alot and that sort he has not been able to socialize and learn to be social which is somewhat damaging as he is cautious who he hangs and opens up to. I am not sure I am sure alot of the tears is more about me and the experience of being unwanted, not good enough, and never belonging and fitting in. Ii am sure that is where alot of my tears came from is my own feelings about rejection and reexperiencing what I have felt as always being not good enough for anyone. But I am feeling sad right now for him and somewhat angry with her, myself, and my mother for doing this to him.

update lately

Well I guess things have been pretty good lately even if they have been rough. I have not been in the hospital this whole year. Although I cut recently it had been about a month or so since I had last done it until this morning. Although I think it was more about wanting to do it and missing the relief from it more than anything. I had been thinking about it recently but not obsessing over as I have in the past.
Last night I had a very rough night sleep wise as I was tossing and turning throughout the whole night. I was unable to sleep restfully and was back and forth from couch, bed, and to the floor and back all night. At one point I was having some traumatizing dreams about the past as I was a teenager and ended up screamign and yelling in my sleep. Pete said all a sudden I was yelling then sat up from the floor saying just leave me alone and he asked me what the fuck was wrong with me only for me to lay back down and go back to sleep. So althpugh I do not remember waking up or sitting up I did remember somewhat of what was happening in my dream somewhat but not really much now as I have been up since about 6 am this mornign and the memory has faded throughout the day today.
Yes maybe this contributed to my acting upon my urge for some relief through cutting I do not believe that it was that. Since cuttign this morning I had been relieved and pretty calm for most of the day and even as I sat in DBT group today I had been emotionally feeling well today after the cutting this morning. DBT has been going better for me and I have been able to talk somewhat today during group and not just talk about everything else but actually talk about some things going on for me in my life. I think therapy as hard as it has been for me and the trust has not been there although does appear here and there, therapy appears to be progressing. I have been actually facing some things and have lied at times recently to her inorder to prevent her from screwing my future plans up.
My plans did get side tracked and things have been on hold as finaces had not been there for supplies but things have been picking up and life seems to be going for the most part better. I have bought a car and now I plan on cruising for a while as I feel so free and not as trapped as I had been realizing I was and feeling.
My birthday is friday and although I am turnign 30 to me it is no big deal and just another day in my life that I will have to face some of my regrets in my life. My son is here and he will be going on a date with my neighbors daughter. He is 14 and she is 15. I was shocked and very excited for him but as the days get closer I am not liking the idea much as he is all I have left to live for right now and I am not ready to give that up or let go of his needing me.He leaves next Wednesday for a month long trip to massachusettes for some time with my mom as she has raised him his whole life until a year ago. Then he will be starting highschool when he gets back which is also scary to me as I am young and not ready for alot of things in my life. but they need to be done and I need to deal with them. actually face something that may emotionally effect me headon instead of running and avoiding and escaping the emotions.

sent 2 my therapst as i hope she will stop being concerned and ease up as its making it difficult 2 get what i need 2 acheive what i desire

Well be frustrated or be upset with me it is alright. I know when you try so hard to help someone and they cannot will not or choose not to accept it how frustrating and angering it may be. I am sorry I know I should never have manipulated you into giving me that card number and I am sorry but I do want to say you have been helpful in many ways and I just have difficulties accepting what is and that I cannot and never will be able to be who I was when I had my children with me and who I want t to be as I will never and can never be normal. I will never be the perfect American family living the American dream. I am sorry I have been willful and even when I take steps to try and do something that is best for me since I will be on the street with nowhere to live soon I wait every day to find that eviction notice on my door and I wanted to save that money so I would be able to have somewhere to go but I blew it all. I bought a car this weekend and yes I know you had the card but I moneygramed the money to the person and there is now only 33 dollars left so ohwell thank you for trying. I did not buy any pills again as I fucked that up by blowing my money on the car that legally I should not be driving right now as I have not registered it and the plates on it are not mine they are the person I bought it from but it does got a new sticker on it and it drives nice. It is a small little car and it will do me somewhat good as I will now have a place to sleep when I do get evicted. Next month’s check I will change everything over to my name and then hopefully I will not feel as stressed about it but after I did it I was upset for a bit as now I will not be able to order my pills I needed. I did however order that lidocaine which ended up being 50 dollars and I will probably never get it as I know it was mailed and there has been a lot of seizures of out of country packages because of prescriptions. But needless to say if I get it I get it if not I do nt. I dropped my classes at cvcc but am thinking of resigning up for them as obviously I am not going to be dead before then so I need to do something with my life I am however signed up for 2 online classes through 2 other Virginia community classes currently but really need to cancel those ones as I do not have the money for them. I have gone to visit my son today and drove by Dakoata house which I got excited as he had a 2 wheeler outside with training wheels so my little man is growing and getting bigger. He is riding a bike. It made me happy. Then I walked around Kroger for no reason and dollar tree and drove around Rustburg it felt good to have some freedom and get out. I cried a lot Friday night and Saturday night as Pete and I have been somewhat arguing and he told me there has been a few times he has just wanted to walk away and never come back but he cares about me and knows I will hurt myself if he does. I told him I am not real good with relationships and am not used to a normal female male relationship but that I do not just hurt myself because of stuff like that I hurt myself because it is how I cope and a year ago I may have done that but at this moment I would sure not do it if he wanted nothing to do with me. I told him he was not worth it but yet I have wanted to do it so much this weekend just drive away from here and cut but have not I am going to show you all that I do not need to do that just because I hurt emotionally. So I told him he needed to stop the mind games and if he wants to go go now do not stay because you do not want me to hurt myself as it will be worse a year from now I told him if he wants to go and he wants me to leave him be just say so but yet then he says your still pretty and wants to play sexually as I feel like lately this is how it has been a little game ever since I gave in and gave him what he wanted. The many times I tell him no I do not want to and he tells me no means yes when it comes to me I sometimes feel like that’s what I deserve just to be someone’s whore and treated as if I am just good for that but yet other times it angers me feeling as if that is all that is wanted out of me and that is all that is good about me and that is all people want from me. I don’t know I am such a complicated person and my mind is very conflicted it is difficult for me to live with it and figure it out so I know it must be more difficult for others to figure it out. I can go without sex but yet it is what a relationship is based on and without it you are not wanted or good enough to people so I feel it is an obligation but yet then want it to be taken as so I do not have to feel like I gave it up and am just as I was years ago. I have difficulties with it a lot especially now that it involves the person I am with as he is much older and some specific features of his reminds me of my mother’s ex but I am able to fade out of for some time. So it’s alright. Sometimes I wish I did not I wish I experienced the whole thing and could somehow take control and stop it since I did not when I was younger but I still don’t even when I am experiencing it fully and want not to be doing it or be involved. Sometimes it is hard to fade away from it. But it’s alright I don’t care. It seems I don’t care much about anything anymore but I will say since driving around I have felt less anxiety although maybe the few xanex I have been taken recently has helped that somewhat but also I think I am not as feel as if I have to depend on others and that I am trapped as I can just drive out for no reason and drive around amously. And then I really felt good after seeing that bike toady with the little training wheels. It made me feel good. I did email the social worker last week after going to chat with Connie and she did never respond so not sure what’s up maybe she is sick of hearing from me or maybe she had no answers or maybe she found out she was not supposed or I don’t know but she is supposed to be having a baby soon Connie said so I was inquiry as to whether she would be back and if Daniels worker will change and stuff like that but she never did respond do I do not know. Anyways I cleaned Corey’s room for him but yet cannot clean my own house and do not even weed the garden. I am depressed and things have been up and down for some time now but right now I such feel numb not really sad as I cried off and on for a few hours Saturday and been alright with the one thought of driving the car to the mountain just to cut so no one would know about it but decided not to that just cause I was sad and hurt it does not mean I need to hurt myself physically so I have not done it. I think I am alright for now even if I slack on real life such as laundry showering cleaning cooking and shit like that. Well thanks for trying and I am sorry I have fucked it up again. I do try even if it seems I do not and I have not been on the computer that much this weekend and have not been in that chat that I had been for the past 6 weeks so it may be helping as I am not reading and writing so much negativity. I might not be there this week as I have court Tuesday which I really do not want to go I would rather it just to be over with since they have moved but have to go so I do not get issued a warrant for failure to appear after a subpoena had been delivered. And I really not sure about therapy as it is difficult to sit face to face with you. It just feels to vulnerable and you know too much I think and I am not sure I want to expose any more of my fucked up self as I am really not a worthwhile human you should be wasting your time on. I am disgusting and I feel ashamed of something’s I have been involved in in my life and it is difficult to face you one to one after telling you some of the things I told you but yet seems I need therapy and the system as that is why I have survived so long. I have survived because of the system if it had not been here and I had not stayed involved I can almost say with a certain I would have been dead. Maybe I just need another therapist someone who does not know all that nasty stuff and someone who only knows the surface stuff of me such as diagnosis and treatment without going further into reason and cause. I am not sure I am just feeling anxious about being in therapy with you now. I am afraid to face you and of what you really think not just what you tell me and the therapeutic response to what I told you but real thoughts about how nasty and disgusting I am and have been my whole life. I have to go before I let this go to my head obsessively.