going through some emotions

My son had his first dte today and when he first asked the girl who was my neighbors daughter I was excited. My son is 14 1/2 years old and not a very outgoing boy as he hasnever been a real socialite. But once he gets to know you he is very friendly and social but not unti feeling comortable. He is not a teenager as there is out there today. He is not criminalized. He is a quiet respectable boy. My son opened the car door for this girl then she went around the other side of the car and said she was going to get in on the other side. Then he bought her supper. Yes mcdonalds but it was with his money he worked for and saved to ake her out and that is where she said she wanted to go. Then he went to the movies and watched th Hanna Montana movie because she wanted to. He did everything a young respectfl boy should do and she is nothing but a slimy loser. Later this evening when she got back hours late he invited her up to sit by the fire. she came up here and brought 2 friends only to leave him by the fire alone and hang on my porch with her friends. He looked so sad ad lonely sitting thee by the fire. I came in the house ater he announcing He is not her type because he is not "GHETTO" or "REDNECK" enough. He is too nice she said. She also said he is too young as she will not date anyone younger than 18 becauseit makes her feel like a child and as if she is molesting them. Well my son is not into sex yet ad as this is his first interest in girls and all that sort of thng and I felt so bad when she rejected him the way she did and is still sitting out there and heis still out there by the fire. I came in and cried as I fel somewhat as if it is mine and my mothers fault for being overly protective and sheler him throughout his life to protect him from being like what society portrays teenagers to be. My son is not the typical teenager and I am glad he is not but in a way I feel like because he has been moved alot and that sort he has not been able to socialize and learn to be social which is somewhat damaging as he is cautious who he hangs and opens up to. I am not sure I am sure alot of the tears is more about me and the experience of being unwanted, not good enough, and never belonging and fitting in. Ii am sure that is where alot of my tears came from is my own feelings about rejection and reexperiencing what I have felt as always being not good enough for anyone. But I am feeling sad right now for him and somewhat angry with her, myself, and my mother for doing this to him.

update lately

Well I guess things have been pretty good lately even if they have been rough. I have not been in the hospital this whole year. Although I cut recently it had been about a month or so since I had last done it until this morning. Although I think it was more about wanting to do it and missing the relief from it more than anything. I had been thinking about it recently but not obsessing over as I have in the past.
Last night I had a very rough night sleep wise as I was tossing and turning throughout the whole night. I was unable to sleep restfully and was back and forth from couch, bed, and to the floor and back all night. At one point I was having some traumatizing dreams about the past as I was a teenager and ended up screamign and yelling in my sleep. Pete said all a sudden I was yelling then sat up from the floor saying just leave me alone and he asked me what the fuck was wrong with me only for me to lay back down and go back to sleep. So althpugh I do not remember waking up or sitting up I did remember somewhat of what was happening in my dream somewhat but not really much now as I have been up since about 6 am this mornign and the memory has faded throughout the day today.
Yes maybe this contributed to my acting upon my urge for some relief through cutting I do not believe that it was that. Since cuttign this morning I had been relieved and pretty calm for most of the day and even as I sat in DBT group today I had been emotionally feeling well today after the cutting this morning. DBT has been going better for me and I have been able to talk somewhat today during group and not just talk about everything else but actually talk about some things going on for me in my life. I think therapy as hard as it has been for me and the trust has not been there although does appear here and there, therapy appears to be progressing. I have been actually facing some things and have lied at times recently to her inorder to prevent her from screwing my future plans up.
My plans did get side tracked and things have been on hold as finaces had not been there for supplies but things have been picking up and life seems to be going for the most part better. I have bought a car and now I plan on cruising for a while as I feel so free and not as trapped as I had been realizing I was and feeling.
My birthday is friday and although I am turnign 30 to me it is no big deal and just another day in my life that I will have to face some of my regrets in my life. My son is here and he will be going on a date with my neighbors daughter. He is 14 and she is 15. I was shocked and very excited for him but as the days get closer I am not liking the idea much as he is all I have left to live for right now and I am not ready to give that up or let go of his needing me.He leaves next Wednesday for a month long trip to massachusettes for some time with my mom as she has raised him his whole life until a year ago. Then he will be starting highschool when he gets back which is also scary to me as I am young and not ready for alot of things in my life. but they need to be done and I need to deal with them. actually face something that may emotionally effect me headon instead of running and avoiding and escaping the emotions.

sent 2 my therapst as i hope she will stop being concerned and ease up as its making it difficult 2 get what i need 2 acheive what i desire

Well be frustrated or be upset with me it is alright. I know when you try so hard to help someone and they cannot will not or choose not to accept it how frustrating and angering it may be. I am sorry I know I should never have manipulated you into giving me that card number and I am sorry but I do want to say you have been helpful in many ways and I just have difficulties accepting what is and that I cannot and never will be able to be who I was when I had my children with me and who I want t to be as I will never and can never be normal. I will never be the perfect American family living the American dream. I am sorry I have been willful and even when I take steps to try and do something that is best for me since I will be on the street with nowhere to live soon I wait every day to find that eviction notice on my door and I wanted to save that money so I would be able to have somewhere to go but I blew it all. I bought a car this weekend and yes I know you had the card but I moneygramed the money to the person and there is now only 33 dollars left so ohwell thank you for trying. I did not buy any pills again as I fucked that up by blowing my money on the car that legally I should not be driving right now as I have not registered it and the plates on it are not mine they are the person I bought it from but it does got a new sticker on it and it drives nice. It is a small little car and it will do me somewhat good as I will now have a place to sleep when I do get evicted. Next month’s check I will change everything over to my name and then hopefully I will not feel as stressed about it but after I did it I was upset for a bit as now I will not be able to order my pills I needed. I did however order that lidocaine which ended up being 50 dollars and I will probably never get it as I know it was mailed and there has been a lot of seizures of out of country packages because of prescriptions. But needless to say if I get it I get it if not I do nt. I dropped my classes at cvcc but am thinking of resigning up for them as obviously I am not going to be dead before then so I need to do something with my life I am however signed up for 2 online classes through 2 other Virginia community classes currently but really need to cancel those ones as I do not have the money for them. I have gone to visit my son today and drove by Dakoata house which I got excited as he had a 2 wheeler outside with training wheels so my little man is growing and getting bigger. He is riding a bike. It made me happy. Then I walked around Kroger for no reason and dollar tree and drove around Rustburg it felt good to have some freedom and get out. I cried a lot Friday night and Saturday night as Pete and I have been somewhat arguing and he told me there has been a few times he has just wanted to walk away and never come back but he cares about me and knows I will hurt myself if he does. I told him I am not real good with relationships and am not used to a normal female male relationship but that I do not just hurt myself because of stuff like that I hurt myself because it is how I cope and a year ago I may have done that but at this moment I would sure not do it if he wanted nothing to do with me. I told him he was not worth it but yet I have wanted to do it so much this weekend just drive away from here and cut but have not I am going to show you all that I do not need to do that just because I hurt emotionally. So I told him he needed to stop the mind games and if he wants to go go now do not stay because you do not want me to hurt myself as it will be worse a year from now I told him if he wants to go and he wants me to leave him be just say so but yet then he says your still pretty and wants to play sexually as I feel like lately this is how it has been a little game ever since I gave in and gave him what he wanted. The many times I tell him no I do not want to and he tells me no means yes when it comes to me I sometimes feel like that’s what I deserve just to be someone’s whore and treated as if I am just good for that but yet other times it angers me feeling as if that is all that is wanted out of me and that is all that is good about me and that is all people want from me. I don’t know I am such a complicated person and my mind is very conflicted it is difficult for me to live with it and figure it out so I know it must be more difficult for others to figure it out. I can go without sex but yet it is what a relationship is based on and without it you are not wanted or good enough to people so I feel it is an obligation but yet then want it to be taken as so I do not have to feel like I gave it up and am just as I was years ago. I have difficulties with it a lot especially now that it involves the person I am with as he is much older and some specific features of his reminds me of my mother’s ex but I am able to fade out of for some time. So it’s alright. Sometimes I wish I did not I wish I experienced the whole thing and could somehow take control and stop it since I did not when I was younger but I still don’t even when I am experiencing it fully and want not to be doing it or be involved. Sometimes it is hard to fade away from it. But it’s alright I don’t care. It seems I don’t care much about anything anymore but I will say since driving around I have felt less anxiety although maybe the few xanex I have been taken recently has helped that somewhat but also I think I am not as feel as if I have to depend on others and that I am trapped as I can just drive out for no reason and drive around amously. And then I really felt good after seeing that bike toady with the little training wheels. It made me feel good. I did email the social worker last week after going to chat with Connie and she did never respond so not sure what’s up maybe she is sick of hearing from me or maybe she had no answers or maybe she found out she was not supposed or I don’t know but she is supposed to be having a baby soon Connie said so I was inquiry as to whether she would be back and if Daniels worker will change and stuff like that but she never did respond do I do not know. Anyways I cleaned Corey’s room for him but yet cannot clean my own house and do not even weed the garden. I am depressed and things have been up and down for some time now but right now I such feel numb not really sad as I cried off and on for a few hours Saturday and been alright with the one thought of driving the car to the mountain just to cut so no one would know about it but decided not to that just cause I was sad and hurt it does not mean I need to hurt myself physically so I have not done it. I think I am alright for now even if I slack on real life such as laundry showering cleaning cooking and shit like that. Well thanks for trying and I am sorry I have fucked it up again. I do try even if it seems I do not and I have not been on the computer that much this weekend and have not been in that chat that I had been for the past 6 weeks so it may be helping as I am not reading and writing so much negativity. I might not be there this week as I have court Tuesday which I really do not want to go I would rather it just to be over with since they have moved but have to go so I do not get issued a warrant for failure to appear after a subpoena had been delivered. And I really not sure about therapy as it is difficult to sit face to face with you. It just feels to vulnerable and you know too much I think and I am not sure I want to expose any more of my fucked up self as I am really not a worthwhile human you should be wasting your time on. I am disgusting and I feel ashamed of something’s I have been involved in in my life and it is difficult to face you one to one after telling you some of the things I told you but yet seems I need therapy and the system as that is why I have survived so long. I have survived because of the system if it had not been here and I had not stayed involved I can almost say with a certain I would have been dead. Maybe I just need another therapist someone who does not know all that nasty stuff and someone who only knows the surface stuff of me such as diagnosis and treatment without going further into reason and cause. I am not sure I am just feeling anxious about being in therapy with you now. I am afraid to face you and of what you really think not just what you tell me and the therapeutic response to what I told you but real thoughts about how nasty and disgusting I am and have been my whole life. I have to go before I let this go to my head obsessively.

another letter to my therapist july 1st

Well I just got in from watering the garden as I had not watered it since I flooded it Saturday night by leaving the water running and forgetting it for at least 5 hours. So that is done. While watering the garden I began to realize that I continue to tell you and everyone else that I do nothing when in fact I do do things. I water the garden yeah maybe I do not weed it and do not take care of it as I should but at least I am doing that. Then I also cleaned the living room Monday evening and fed the chickens sometime this weekend but they need more food as I saw their containers both water and food empty. I also have cooked a few meals the past week and brought it to the neighbors and Pete. For some reason I have no motivation to cook for myself but will eat if it is cooked for me or if I cook for someone else or others. I did shower about 20 times in the past week as it seems that is all I really have been doing a whole lot of besides interacting online although Monday I walked down to social services and applied for cooling assistance which I probably will get denied for since I have been keeping my bills up although have not paid my rent in months. This house had really gotten bad throughout here and there the past few months and I cannot get rid of the fucking bugs and I hate it here. I have socialized with the neighbors both the “normal” and the abnormal neighbors although it has brief but frequent interactions since I cannot be with myself a whole lot although seem to be having difficulties being away from home recently. I did go over Tracy’s for a bit sometime last week but it got too much with the kids and being around people I guess. I think I have been insecure lately but yet social but keeping distance and avoiding and real in-depth interaction with people although I have felt sort of distanced from the world but yet seem to be somewhat at peace with that recently. My need for socialness is being hindered by my desire to distance humans I believe. But any ways I have been doing anything even if I constantly am telling you and everyone else I do nothing and even if it is not what I should be doing of what I would like to be doing or what I expect myself to be doing I am at least doing them. Well guess I am going to try to lay back down as I have done that a few times and have had my stupid guided crap on all night and had been unable to fall asleep as my mind has been racing and a constant merry go around I have been unable to fall asleep even though my body is falling and needs rest my brain is not shutting down enough to relax. Hopefully all this has helped although after the first email I tried to sleep and could not so I water the garden and now I sit here again which I need to try and sleep as I know this does not help me emotionally stabilize when I am not sleeping as I should I end up emotionally out of whack even when nothing is happening emotionally it makes me more vulnerable and I hate vulnerability but yet cannot prevent it when I am not taking care of my physical needs such as eating and sleeping. I have taken myself off coffee for the past 2 weeks although that is not helping either I thought it might help stabilize some of my sleep but no. anyways bye

email to my therapist july 1

I know I asked you to keep the card and I know I need to save the money to move soon. I realize and appreciate your care and concern and know that by obsessing and focusing the amount of time I have been on suicide forums it does not help. But I also know that it is an escape for me and a way for me to avoid the real feelings and emotions that I go through at times. I am sorry that it is difficult for me to express my fear, shame, hurt, and sadness without trying to use it as an excuse to quit. I have a hard time not giving up. I have been fighting my inner self for many years and although there has been many times when I begin to face some of the core issues I have always done what I am doing lately in order to give up and avoid facing what needs to face. You have been very patient with me and I need to try to accept what you have been doing for me over these soon to be 3 years and begin working with you instead of fighting against. I know logically and in my rational mind and quite possibly in my wise mind that I should not fear you and that you are not going to hurt me and I can trust you but for some reason that trust gets to a point and I allow myself to be distrusting and distance myself from you and my treatment. I know you care but do you really. I mean really it is your job so why would I fully believe that I matter rather than the reason you have not said I am a lost cause and go ahead kill yourself is because of ethics and internal beliefs that come along with the job of working in a system as you do. Well anyways this not to say anything except I am letting you know that although suicide crosses my mind a lot and I use it to avoid facing things and it helps a lot to avoid things it actually has been a distraction for me for many years and even when I do not fully put any effort into the thinking and planning of it when distress becomes my reality suicide becomes my life. I am sorry that I have been dishonest about the drugs and I have difficulties trusting you enough to face you and work through things that needs facing but sometimes I think I can do it and begin and then run from it instead of keep going and that is not what I need to be doing and as much as I know this in my rational mind my emotional mind is what I live off more than I should. I know I know the terms and all but I really do not use any of it as I believe the pain must be exposed and not just blocked and dbt believes to live in the moment there is nothing that can be done to change the past so why allow it to be your reality. Well reality is that my past represents how I became who I am and if it was not for my past I may not have the present I have so why would I want to use dbt to to distract and continue avoiding this shit that tears me apart and has allowed my reality to be obstructed. If I was not molested as I child I may not have been as cautious and protective with my children as I was but I may not have allowed him to beat me down believing he was not doing anything even know what I saw got me into the mode of the fear something was happening even if I could not prove it. Now what also happens if I fed that shit into her head by constantly being suspicious of his every action towards her and arguing with him about whether or not he was a diddler and shit like that. Yes I never gave her any details or anything but there was many times I accused him and flipped out in front of her and the rest of the kids because of the uncomfortable things that I witnessed but yet I did nothing about. So how is it I need to lforgive myself for that when I am not even sure if I am the cause of it. Also when he had that sexual psychological profile done and it came back that he was not interested in her age group or young children but at the end of the report it stated that although prepubescent children was not his interest many times and adult parent will violate the child to get back at the other parent. I made him that angry at me that he would hurt and violate my little girl. The little girl he was so protective of and always suspicious of others around and never wanted anything to happen to her. I am not sure of the reality of any of that just like the reality of me being in a situation that was not my fault. Well I have so reality for you yes maybe Stephen came onto me the first time but I never tried to stop it it felt good even if there was many nights I did not want to be bothered I still layed there waiting for him like he told me to. When he said to go to bed with no clothes on I went. There was many nights where I was awake and pretended to be asleep and there were many times towards the end when I got sick of it but I still kept doing it. That is how it is sometimes now. I am dysfunctional when it comes to sexual relationships as I want somehow for it to be not my decision and I tend to just do it just for the pleasure of the man. But lately a lot has been happening as Pete has not been one to be all about himself when it comes to sex and I for one am not used to that and for two do not like it. I want a man to just do what he wants and get it over with then go about your business and yeah that is not in reality what a relationship healthy anyways entails but I cannot cope with the performance he expects although what kind of of person am I really to act as I was when I was back then and seduce men that really I hardly know and back then I did not know any of them mind you Corey has no father and all these years I will say it is probably shames but in reality he is probably one of the many guys I would expose my body to while roaming the town and end up having sex with behind bushes or wherever else we happened to land. I was a whore a slut and lately I have gone through this whole thing with Pete telling him that is what I am and why not treat me like that but yet when all this shit happens I feel disgusting and want to hide. He won’t leave me alone though he has grown feelings for me where I do not believe I am capable of having healthy feelings for a man. I actually pick arguments with them when many of the things are minimal or I should not care about but I will pick an argument expecting him to walk away and not come back of do something to me physically hurt me like I deserve. I am not sure like when this stuff is going on it is like autopilot it seems I am aware of it I witness it I in my mind can acknowledge to myself this is wrong I should not be doing this stuff but yet seem to not be the one in control of the actions and what comes out of my mouth and although I will tell myself I need to stop doing this stuff it feels I am incapable of controlling it and as if something else controls it the same way my automatic thinking about suicide. I hardly think about cutting as a release and a way to cope anymore. I mean I think about cutting but I am much more able to tell myself that does not help but unless I cut deep but yet I am not worth wasting my energy on to do that even anymore instead I change my thinking to suicide. I am not going to kill myself I just have been trying to give myself that security so that it does not take my life over as it has been lately. If I have the means I will not need to plan anymore and won’t have to dedicate my every waking hour of thought on how to keep it from people how to make people think everything is all right and nothing is going on and everything is getting better. I will have the answer for my pain readily available and will be able to focus more on the moment and what I am experiencing and how to get myself out of what I have put myself into and how to refocus myself and go back to school. And what I really want from life and the future. I know it is difficult for you to grasp some of this as maybe you have not been in my shoes but this is my reality for the most part. I gave you my card to prevent me from blowing it all up on crack as yes I have done well with with it but not without using anything I have overused Benadryl, I had taken a few loritabs and percocets last week along with the past 2 months maybe 3 months I have smoked weed every few weeks although last week I smoke twice in one day and then for the next 2 days after that and then stopped that. Yes I spent 200 dollars on crack on the 1st of last month and I smoked $60 with Mandell right before he was arrested well actually him me and Pete. And then last week I smoked a 20 with Pete on Tuesday night and then a 40 with him on Wednesday and have not touched it. Yes that means 4 times this past month but there was like a 16 day period I did not and no nothing got better for me and I did not feel better about myself. Before the 1st I had not touched it since the beginning of may like the 3rd I believe do not quote that date for sure but yes I was doing well as I believe it was the beginning of may where I spent a whole lot of money and went through 35 grams with Pete and I in 3 days and still we owe the dealer 450 dollars. But you know what maybe that is my destiny maybe that will be what takes me out of here but I gave you the card as I already know that tonight or tomorrow I will be smoking money or no money it is a given when you are fucking someone who does not want to do anything with his life and does not need to stop as it does not cause him difficulties. When you act like trash you become trash and that is what I have become basically. I have become a poor excuse for human being but yet I still keep going why. Cause what I am a fighter well how long before I lose that in me too just like everything else that seems to have gone down the drain and is unburyiable. How long before I become the crackwhore I hate and have sworn to it that it will not be me. Or have I already become that even when I am not smoking crack. How long before you decide to let me go and walk away. When will I gain some real peace. Last week there was this inner peace as I planned my suicide and the days got closer that I never felt now I feel like a coward. I feel as if I am a waste of time. There I go starting argument for nothing he wants me to go to sleep as I have mayube slept 6 hours since I woke up Saturday or Sunday I am not quite sure as the days seem to be all the same lately. I slept many hours last week and felt relieved and at peace with things and inside after meeting with you then this sleep shit started I think Friday and it has not ended. Now I can’t sleep and I am not tired like my body feels tired but my mind does not shut off enough I feel weak kind of muscle wise and my arms and legs feel weird but yet I cannot sleep. Well anyways I would appreciate it if u just give me the numbers off the card and then I will not be able to get money for crack and blow it but I would like to pay for my sons online Xbox 360 live as I had promised since he is unable to use it as it expired the 26th and is dysfunctional until we reinstate his membership. I also need to pay his 30 dollars for his world of warcraft account and would like to keep the rest on the card so I will spend 55 dollars and that will leave me 550. I know you are concerned but things are okay the pill stuff and suicde forum chats and my chats with others online have been investigative for the most part and just an escape and security for me lately. I am sorry I mentioned but I have great difficulty concealing that stuff as at times it dies concern me when it becomes constant thinking and and my life seems as hopeless as it has for me lately even if it is not and I have made progress it just is a feeling and not an action. I can feel whatever comes to me but I do not have to action one my feelings or my thoughts and I am not going to. Thank you for bearing with me and helping as you have and I am really sorry I have wasted your time and took you for who you are not. I am sorry my expectations of you have been so high and expecting you to do for me more than what I have been doing for myself. I will try harder and hope we can get working with each other instead of against each other as you have put a lot into helping me without me trying to help myself. I think my mind is becoming wacked somewhat as I feel as things are going in circles and not coming out clear. I really honestly believe I may need to get on some sort of medication soon to get myself out of this but I also do not believe I need a forever pill as I had learning to live and believe in life and enjoy some of life in the past so I am capable of doing again. Good night or morning whatever you want to call it I need to try to sleep.

C:\Documents and Settings\Teresa\My Documents\signature.html

Letter to my therapist

Marianne,

I know today was somewhat of a start and I realize it is much easier for me to write about stuff rather than face you and talk about it. This is somewhat of what needs to happen for me to work through stuff but it is scary. I feel like it is difficult for me to get into it and when I begin to I start and then shutdown and close up. I know you have heard it all before and you are not going to see me any different but yet I feel like it is too hard to do and I tend to push you away as I feel things are beginning to get to a point where I begin to be able to open this stuff up and face. It is very difficult just sitting there in that room with you talking to you about things I have never talked about. Yes it is much easier for me to open up by writing but not sure it really does me much good since I am more distanced when writing and not so much involved in the shame and guilt that runs through me as I sit there feeling exposed and like a fucking tiny ant under a microscope. Sometimes even after writing to you it is hard for me to come into therapy without feeling as you are looking me over and trying to see the damage I have and it sometimes feels like I have things in big red bold letters all over me telling everyone to use me I am easy hurt me and whatever else I think at different times. I need to face this stuff but yet sometimes feel incapable of dealing with it and being unashamed. I felt like shutting down today and at times I did. It always seems when this shit comes up I have to throw up the wanting to kill myself. It is usually deterrence for me and a way I am able to get others to get away from the subject but it was not working today. I sometimes feel like by wanting to kill myself I won’t have to face anything and actually expose any of the secrets I hold inside. I have struggled a lot lately with trying to find a good enough reason to give up and let go but even facing some things I have been doing and exposing the secrets somewhat has not given me an actually good reason to go through with it. When I came to see you it was difficult and things have been going on that have caused me some panic and fear. I feel sometimes like I am who I was back when things happened and I knew they should not have been going on but I was unable to say anything. I allowed the stuff to go on knowing it was wrong. I felt as the was the only way to have someone care about me and he showed me I mattered. Now I place myself in situations or set up stuff that places me back then when I felt it was what needed to be done to be cared about. I felt special I feel wanted. No one ever cares or wants me around unless sexual things occur. I have set myself up to feel not in control. Sometimes I think I want it even when I feel I do not. I place myself in whatever happens and I have set the basis for things to happen. Back when I was a younger I think I did the same types of stuff. I slept with many people and placed myself in dangerous situations to feel something. Sometimes I am just numb and need to feel something anything. I feel helpless a lot but yet it has been my fault. I have teased men only to feel helpless when they want to do things. I had a difficult time this morning as a situation that has been playing out for some time now came close to happening I kind of panicked as I had not been exposed to that since I was a teenager and a whirl of confusion messed with my mind and I had to get away. I know none of this matters really because writing about just distances me from it and I feel unthreatened but t yet I cannot say it and be okay. I wanted to hide from you as it seemed alls you do is look at me and see the disgustingness of me. Sometimes I feel as if everyone knows and can tell all the nasty shit I have done. I violate myself and have allowed myself to be violated at the expense of being wanted and cared about and have placed myself in this stuff my whole life. When you give people mixed messages what can you expect. You cannot expect to play with fire over and over again without being burned. I sometimes feel I deserve the pain I expose myself to and then other times I can see that I need to run and hide and get away but yet I am trapped there is nowhere to go and I have no way of getting there. I have never been able to get away. I have always felt incapable and helpless. I feel like it is out of my control. I cannot control what happens. I can’t control how he made me feel but yet I know it is wrong and should not be happening. I have felt weird through the years know he is my father’s brother and my mother’s boyfriend but yet I still chase it wait for it and need it. I needed it. I am not quite sure how I get through each night but it continued for a long time. I sometimes feel like I pursued it back then and now. My head has been pounding for hours and I have cried and been hurt and talked and screwed my mind up all day. I felt relieved for a bit and felt okay like some sort of strange mellow peace overcame me for a bit. Then I broke after getting home and being by myself for a while then I have cried off and on and wanted to give up on living. Trying to plan it out right and wanted this all to stop wishing life would stop but it won’t it just keeps going and I must keep struggling as things happen. I must keep allowing it in order to get by. I have been so confused today and feel unorganized and unable to get away. My head hurts I have cried I have thought I have felt unable to face this but I am done. I need to do something. I have wanted to hide from it. I want to hide from you. I know what you think and I know it’s not far from the truth but I will get away I can escape it. Right now I just have to experience and feel it. I need some sleep I want to cut and not feel what I feel but I cannot escape. I do not think that is going to get me out of this. I am not sure that is the answer anymore. Maybe I need to go where no o ne knows who I am and what I do but every time I seem to do that it seems they can see it and it is like I hold a huge sign up above me telling everyone who I am what I have done and how to get me to do what you want me to do. I hate being me. I hate doing what I do. I hate existing. Why am I still here? Why am I still fighting for the impossible? What is all this going to lead to? I need a reason. I need for someone to let me give up and be okay with it. I want it to be okay to give up and for people to accept me as the quitter I am and have always been. I need someone to help me finish.

confusion and peace within

Somethings changed and I am not really sure how or why or when this happened. I am not sure I can even pinpoint the change but I know it is there for now and not sure whether it is good, bad, or indifferent.
I do not have the energy to figure out what has changed but I know that I have thought about cutting just to prove to myself it has not. Yes cutting has crossed my mind but lately it feels more like it is not the answer to anything anymore. Lately I feel like life is so unpredictable but yet appears somewhat predictable. It appears life is more than it really is and people make it out to be an important thing when really it is nothing more nothing less. I have felt somewhat as nothing really is what I have always felt it was. Things happen and I feel it but yet can not escape it anymore then I wanna run and hide.
I have thought about suicide and really am not sure how I feel about it lately although it seems definitive and an end to a lot of pain and suffering. I guess it just has not really been the option I have been looking for and seems to just be my way of escaping what I have or have nto been going through in these almost 30 years of life. I am not quite sure is what I so desire anymore but I am not sure I desire or want anything that I used to. Committing suicide takes a lot of energy to finally commit to and go through with. It takes a build up of courage which I can not achieve.
This it ran through my head several times about needing hospitalization, needing medication, needing more than what I have been doing in life. If I ever really want to get somewhere and where I want to get I am not sure but I may need more than this. I do not know what I need or what I want. I amk not sure about much lately except the feel of fakeness. People do not understand I am not normal. They do not understand I can play the part ofr just so long before I can not do that anymore. No one really sees or understands that I am not who I make myself seem like. But then who am and how am I supposed to be.
Lately there has been a lot of change within me but yet I am not sure how. I know some of it has been my realizing I want to cut but just not doing it because it is not going to work for what I want to erase. I also have realized that I use the talk of killing myself and dying as an escape from whatever I am facing or feeling inorder to avoid what is reality or not. I am not even sure the energy I put into attempting suicide has ever really been there as if it was I would have already achieved it. I am beginning to realize there is somesort of peace within me that is there asnd no matter how much people try to break through it it stays lately.
I can not be in a relationship as I can not be with myself. Relationships are commitment sthat I can nto make. I can not make the commitment to someone else that I can not make to myself. I can not continue struggling to be what I think is expected of me or that I believe others want me to be. I can not be a mom. I can nto be a girlfriend,. I can not be a neighbor. And I sure can not be a friend. As I try to play these roles I find I only hurt the people on the other side of the relationship more than I am hurting and I do not want that. I do not like to or want to hurt anyone. I am not sure I really want to hurt myself anymore. But I also am not sure what else to do so what have I been doing popping whatever pills I can and sleeping. Hoping the answer will be there when I wake up. Bbut it has not come to me yet.
I was up all night crying and wanting to escape as at times it was hard to breathe trying to talk through the confusion and make someone understand they do not want to be with me as I have too many issues. Alls it did was make me more confused as they claim they will be here through whatever and they need me right now as they are having difficulties. I try to explain the complication of myself to him trying to get him to see the difficulties I have in relationships and life. But he is blinded it is as if a lot of people are blinded and all I do is hurt them. I do not want to hurt others. I do not want to be hurt. But yet I am drawn into and live in a world that thrives on hurt. The world is nothing more than a big revolving place to be hurt. It thrives on people suffering and I am not sure that is what I want anymore. I am not sure I want much anymore. I just want to keep the peace whether that means I stop breathing and no longer exist or whether that means something more I am not sure. I am just allowing myself as confused and conflicted as I am to be with it and experience it right now. I am not sure the peace is not numbing but it is acceptable for me right now.