Questioning peoples motives and why they hurt me

wishing people would stop fucking with my head and if they did not want me to trust them and want me to just keep the wallsup then say so. They do not have to feel incompetant or tell me they are afraid they are incapable of dealing with things if they help open them...They do not really have to deal with SHIT!!! I DO...No One Else!!! its all good the trust is gone now...screw it I never needed anyone in these 31 years and have been able to survive and hold these secrets within me without completely breaking I can keep doing it for another 14 years. I wish people really understood what their words do to me and how much I obsess over things they say. I wish they realized what ABANDONMENT is for me and how I perceive things as being abandoned by everyone in my life up until now and now I think I am completely feeling as if I truly deserve to be abandoned and do not need ANYONE for any reason. Why try as hard as they do to get me to open my self up and trust them only for them to basically want me to shut up and keep it all inside. Why did they work through the barriers only to close them back up with 10 times more shit to work back through to get back to the point where we were a week ago. Why did they just want me to stay closed up and never to speak a word about. KEEP THE SILENCE is what they desire well I will keep it to myself and never trust another living soul for as long as I continue breathing and my heart keeps producing blood. I will never trust again. I am done with letting people in and letting them get close. I am closing myself off to all you have to say and all they desire me to talk to them about. My secrets are safe within me!!!!

More poetry

Another day
Its all the same
Seems just like yesterday
Never knowing what I became
They all walked away
Left me alone
Just wanted them to stay
If they had only known
How much I live in pain
As my life continues down the drain
I have lost the fear
As I no longer care Soon I will not be here

So many people I have known
But yet I still feel all alone
Life has taken its toll
Severly damaging my soul
I will never be whole
I will never be free
All this pain I have buried inside of me
Cant anyone really see
Why wont they just let me be
Let me end all the misery
I dont want to keep just getting by
I just wanna die

So much filth
beneath my skin
buried within my soul
go the secrets still untold
the disgust under my skin
cannot be scrubbed away
nor has it ever faded
disgusted by the filth
that is hidden within
I carve my skin
trying to rid the sin
realizing the dirtiness
will never dissapate
no one really knows nor understands
the damage there is within
as i continue drowning
fading into the darkness
from the dirt beneath my skin

day to day the pain does not really fade
hiding the shame living day to day
wishing it all would fade burying the pain
pushing people away when it becomes too much
I begin to break from all the shame

running through my mind
memories poison me
spinning and racing
remembering where i have been
drowning inside
i am about to fall
dont try to catch me
want my life to end
already dead inside
alone in this world
i continue to crawl
no reason here to live

overwelmed with guilt
i wish i was dead
the pain within
buried by sin
i was betrayed
by my very own mind
just trying to be protected
it could have been anyone
i gave in
let him commit the sin
now i will never win
when will my life begin
or is this just the end

why do i continue to live
why do i even try
why cant i just die
try to let go
try not to tell a living soul
committing suicide is my goal

try to rid myself of the pain
the poison drilled in my brain
the care he gave
sending me to my grave
i remember the first time
i was confused
many thoughts ran through my mind
still feel the confusion inside
continue to tell everyone i am fine
no one for me to confide
the secrets are mine
they stay buried inside
I continue to hide


you think you know me
jus let me be
when will you really see
i will never truly be free
the secrets i hold deep in me
what a relief it would be
if you could really see
then maybe i would feel free

Poetry

Lost
That life I once desired is lost
Lost within the darkness
Buried deep by my heartache
Broken and torn apart

Hopeless
Losing sight of my dreams
All goals have faded from me
There seems theres nothing left
No more desires within
Seems like I am losing the endless fight
There is no end in sight

So many reasons for me to die
not many reasons to stay alive
Tell me why you think life is so good
I sit here and continue to drown
Wanting for my mind just to shut down

Why should I stay another day
When I could leave this world and go away
I desire to take the knife
I desire to take my life

I am the one to blame
There is no reason for me to be here
I hate living with the fear
Fear of never going anywhere
Believing people really care
But yet left here alone in shame

No reasons left besides peoples lies
Now I say my final goodbyes
As I continue to break
Fighting for and wanting more
Wondering what I am still living for

Is it too late
Alls I feel is emptiness
I continue to fall
Without any relief
Feeling so alone
I hide my shame
I keep all my pain
Buried deep inside

Why cant I let it go
I feel so alone
Memories hidden within
Of my life lived full of sin

The pain runs deep
Peace within
Thinking of my lifes end
I have no fear
Knowing my death is near
I have always known
You never cared
I have always known
No one ever really has cared

Tears run down my cheek
As I begin to feel weak
I am done with this fight
Wishing life would end tonight

Wishing my life gone tomorrow
I continue to drown in my sorrow
My life is full of sadness
I have so much madness
No one cares how I feel
What is the fucking big deal
If i do not resist
My desire to cut my wrist

I bleed out my fears
Instead of crying tears
Too many emotions deep inside
I try very hard to hide
All there is within my mind
So many people are blind

I get obsessed
When I am depressed
I dont want to shout
Instead i bleed it out

Thoughts produce more pain
Just playing the waiting game
My life is almost finished
My reasons to live are almost diminished

I felt this way many times before
Now I have decided not to live like this anymore
I have lost the fear
I decided I no longer care
I do not have to suffer with strife
Now that I am going to take my life

So many things I cannot say
All the things I must keep inside everyday
Wondering what my life has became
Knowing where I came from
realizing I will never be free
From the pain I live with that no one can see

Emailed Letter I sent to My Supossed Mother

I have so much running through my mind especially with the response I have received from you regarding this crisis I have placed myself in this week. I am hurt and also question myself regarding the truth of the love you have supposedly for me as you oldest daughter and child. It hurts me that you are always helping Gene and Heather out whether they place their problems upon themselves or not you are always fixing it for them. You do not sit there telling them how you will take their children even when they do drugs, physically fight, or cause themselves to have nothing. I feel you treat Heather more as your child than you have ever treated me as your child and she is of no blood to you But yet I am supposedly your daughter and feel as if she comes before me and is treated with more care and love than I have ever been. There are many times I even question the validity of your love and care for me.

There are questions I have had for many years and feel as if they are not answered by you. I also feel you do not take full or any responsibility for your actions towards me as a child and teenager. You either deny them or minimize them. You do not apologize for the beatings you gave me including the kicks to me as I coward on the floor in the kitchen when we lived on pilling street or the punches you gave to me many times during them 4 years I was home with you as a teenager while your boyfriend also used me as his sexual needs and desires to be his toy for lack of a better word. Then for you to not believe me and for you to continue secretly seeing him and having my son around him for many years later. You also then tried to bring my son Dakoata to a cookout and not invite me because he was going to be there so instead you chose him over me again. You have told me you do not feel you have anything to apologize for but the way I feel and the hurt I experience from your emotional abandonment and mental and physical abuse has damaged me for the remainder of my life and you do not even try to be sorry about it but minimize it, justify it, and deny it.

Another thing that really weighs on my mind is the fact that David McGlew supposedly molested you as a teenager but then why did you allow him around your own children including me and he stole my innocence. If you had already experienced it yourself from him then why the hell place your own child in that situation. In a way it feels as if it is somewhat your fault since you knew he was a pedophile and allowed him around us and alone with us. You can claim you were working and had to and that my supposed father was in charge but how could he be in charge of us when alls he was ever doing was getting high. You could have been a mom to us and protected us but did not. How come? How is it you placed me in that situation?

Do you really not know who my father is? Are you afraid to find out the truth? Why is it that no one is honest or willing to find the truth out? Are you hiding more than that? Why is it my whole life has been so secretive and I can never get any truth or real answers? Did the incident with the cat talking to you while laying on your stomach with me in it ever really truly happen? I have tried to research the newspapers both in the Haverhill Library and online and have never found any pictures of a little girl with a cat on the front page of the newspaper and the families house had been caught on fire a couple weeks after you guys got rid of it because it talked to you and told you the devil was going to possess my soul. Did you and my I don’t know if he’s really my father truly elevate off the bed and my cradle rock back and forth by it self? Where you both on drugs at any point during that time?

Why is it I fucked up and you don’t care enough to try and help me fix things but yet talk about taking my son from me if you have to claiming you really don’t want to but will? Why is it I am not good enough for you to help when I fuck up like I just have when it is not something that happens to me on a constant basis but instead I have to struggle and worry about losing my place to live and utilities and then will be unable to have my son with me but yet you continue taking care of Heather and Gene? Don’t you think I lost enough through this? I ended up in cardiac icu for 24 hours then icu for another 24 hours then fuck up my whole finances and have no way of paying anything and to top it all off sold my sons TV and my iPod I just got. I am left at the bottom with nothing and no one besides my mental health worker who seems to care about me more than you have ever. Don’t you realize how hurt I feel that you are not even offering any help to me but yet would jump in a heart beat for Gene and Heather including your most recent help you gave her by paying for her place to live. If you want my son that is fine! He will turn 18 soon and I will then not have to worry about if I mess up you will hang him in front of me as a pawn. He is 16 and has a right to make a choice of where he wants to be no matter what you think or say about me not caring for him recently or me being mentally unstable. I did what needed to be done. I fucked up and knew I needed to make sure Corey was okay and that is why I asked James to take him for a bit. I could have kept him at the house and pretended everything was okay but I did not instead I wanted to protect Corey. It is okay for me to need help and ask for help. It should not mean that because I temporarily need help for a few weeks until I get this all back on track that I am a piece of dirt.

I am not Gene! I have not manipulated you. I have not stolen from you. I have not committed crime after crime and still keep getting from you an attitude of its ok. You continue to let him fuck up and then do everything to fix it for him but yet don’t even offer to help me. I am hurt and it is painful and hard for me to say this too you as I have always feared what you would do to me or that you would abandonment which you have done many times in my life. But I am seeking the truth. I am seeking answers from you. I want to know why you do not love or care about me as a mother should love and care about her oldest daughter and child! I want the truth about my childhood and why you always treated me like dirt and as if I was unwanted. I want the truth and not excuses. I was your daughter not anyone else’s and I felt the brunt of your anger. I want to know why?

If you want my son that is ok! I will be ok! I have always survived without you and I can survive without you in my life. Until you decide to be my MOM and not treat me as dirt and an outcast I see no point in trying to keep pretending that I love you and want to have a relationship with you! You are more Heather’s MOM than you have been mine! I would like a response with some answers and truth. I do not want excuses from you anymore and if you can not do that and want to continue in your fantasies that you were a good MOM to me then I wish you the best and am letting you know now not to expect me to be calling or answering your phone calls anymore!

Have a nice Fairytale Life in your denial and Fantasy World… BYE and GOOD RIDDENCE