Sunday, August 15, 2010
Realization of why August triggers me and is difficult for me
Lately there has been alot of things coming to my mind regarding my past and things triggering my childhood. I layed there thinking about this last night while trying to figure a reason for all these thoughts intruding on me recently. I realized that the month of June and august are more so triggers in themselves for me than any other months of the year.
It was June 2006 when my visits with my children were temporarily on hold while an investigation ensued regarding my husband sexually abusing my children. However, when this occured I was not told what was going on only that the visits were being stop enlight of an ivestigation that would take 60 days to complete. Right before the 60 days were up sometime in the middle of August I had to meet with the investigator Lisa Parks. It was then that I found out the alegations and what was being said to my daughters therapist and what was reported to the local social services agency.
The alegations were that my husband had molested my daughter and son. He also had had them doing things to eachother. These alegations through me into a whirlwind of guilt and feeling of my cause of contribution to his abuse towards them.
I ended up trying to kill myself. I overdosed and lived. During the course of the investyigation my son ended up in the child psychiatric unit. He was very angry about not being able to have visits and already was angry about being taken away from his family and placed in foster care away from his parents and his sisters. He was in a foster home with a single mom and his little brother and the foster moms adopted teenage son that had some of his own mental health issues. While in the hospital they allowed me to visit him and had decided to place him in a residential for the safety of his little brother because of his aggression towards his younger brother.
The final decision regarding the sexual abuse alegations and determination came out around the 20th of August of 2006. The determination was that the report was supported on my husband for sexual abuse of my daughter but not of my son. I went into a domestic violence shelter but continued to question the validity of the alegations and the motives. I also questioned myself greatly believeing it was my fault this abuse occured as I had seen signs and fought with him regarding my fear of him abusing her but could never have actual proff for a long time before the children were taken and had discussed this issue with the social workers involved in our case here in Virginia and at one point in Massachustees I reported the fear of him sexually abusing her myself to soicial services. Whe then validated him by saying my children had never been touched and I falsly filed the report.
This issue was triggered recently by an incident in which my boyfriend told me of his cousin sexually abusing a young girl. Then him becoming angry at me for feeling the incident is being covered up because the 24 year old man claims the 11 or 12 year old girl participated in the incident and wanted it. So it was never reported to the aothorities and is just being covered up and minimized. Which triggered some anger and rage within me and my boyfriend and I got into an argument about him hanging around and drinking with a child diddler and being supportive of the denial and cover up. He yelling at me about the validity and my right to say anything about it. And me not having a right to say anything to anyone else who alows their children around this man. Which brought back my own feelinsg of people making me feel unvalidated and as if I needed to just not talk about my abuse and people continuing to talk to and love this man who molested me repeated and using me as a way to fulfill his need for sexual pleasure. This has been a recurring thought lately within myself as I knew what was happening as a teenager was wrong as I had and was in therapy for being molested a s a young girl and not being able to cope. the recurring thoughts have been about me obviously wanting him to do these things to me because I allowed him to. I also soemtimes look at the parts that felt good and I enjoyed which makes me feel as if he was not wrong because I participated at times and it felt good both physically and emotionally to have someone "love" me.
TO BE CONTINUED LATER>>>TOO MUCH RIGHT NOW TO FINISH
It was June 2006 when my visits with my children were temporarily on hold while an investigation ensued regarding my husband sexually abusing my children. However, when this occured I was not told what was going on only that the visits were being stop enlight of an ivestigation that would take 60 days to complete. Right before the 60 days were up sometime in the middle of August I had to meet with the investigator Lisa Parks. It was then that I found out the alegations and what was being said to my daughters therapist and what was reported to the local social services agency.
The alegations were that my husband had molested my daughter and son. He also had had them doing things to eachother. These alegations through me into a whirlwind of guilt and feeling of my cause of contribution to his abuse towards them.
I ended up trying to kill myself. I overdosed and lived. During the course of the investyigation my son ended up in the child psychiatric unit. He was very angry about not being able to have visits and already was angry about being taken away from his family and placed in foster care away from his parents and his sisters. He was in a foster home with a single mom and his little brother and the foster moms adopted teenage son that had some of his own mental health issues. While in the hospital they allowed me to visit him and had decided to place him in a residential for the safety of his little brother because of his aggression towards his younger brother.
The final decision regarding the sexual abuse alegations and determination came out around the 20th of August of 2006. The determination was that the report was supported on my husband for sexual abuse of my daughter but not of my son. I went into a domestic violence shelter but continued to question the validity of the alegations and the motives. I also questioned myself greatly believeing it was my fault this abuse occured as I had seen signs and fought with him regarding my fear of him abusing her but could never have actual proff for a long time before the children were taken and had discussed this issue with the social workers involved in our case here in Virginia and at one point in Massachustees I reported the fear of him sexually abusing her myself to soicial services. Whe then validated him by saying my children had never been touched and I falsly filed the report.
This issue was triggered recently by an incident in which my boyfriend told me of his cousin sexually abusing a young girl. Then him becoming angry at me for feeling the incident is being covered up because the 24 year old man claims the 11 or 12 year old girl participated in the incident and wanted it. So it was never reported to the aothorities and is just being covered up and minimized. Which triggered some anger and rage within me and my boyfriend and I got into an argument about him hanging around and drinking with a child diddler and being supportive of the denial and cover up. He yelling at me about the validity and my right to say anything about it. And me not having a right to say anything to anyone else who alows their children around this man. Which brought back my own feelinsg of people making me feel unvalidated and as if I needed to just not talk about my abuse and people continuing to talk to and love this man who molested me repeated and using me as a way to fulfill his need for sexual pleasure. This has been a recurring thought lately within myself as I knew what was happening as a teenager was wrong as I had and was in therapy for being molested a s a young girl and not being able to cope. the recurring thoughts have been about me obviously wanting him to do these things to me because I allowed him to. I also soemtimes look at the parts that felt good and I enjoyed which makes me feel as if he was not wrong because I participated at times and it felt good both physically and emotionally to have someone "love" me.
TO BE CONTINUED LATER>>>TOO MUCH RIGHT NOW TO FINISH
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Hipocrisy
Something that frustrates me a whole lot is people who believe that there shit does not stink or they are better than others when their past was no different if not worse than others.
People who act as if they are so great just because they have changed over some years. They did many things in their past that they now frown on people who have the same things affecting their lives. They did drugs, they neglected their children, they put their children in dangerous situations, their children witnessed domestic violence, and they lived a life of unholiness. however they now act as if they are better than people who do that. they act and talk about how people should not expose their children to situations, they talk about people who get help from the system financially. But yet they committed fraud because they were collecting welfare and food stamps and claiming the father was not around or they worked under the table and did not claim the income so they could support their addictions. Now that they no longer need help from the government they talk about the government taking from the rich and giving to the poor, but yet they do not work and support their selves.
I do not claim to be better than others. I try my hardest not to act better than anyone else. I do not live on a high horse. I do not try to pretend I did not come from what I came from. I remember who I was, who I am, and who I will someday hope to be.
It frustrates me to a point of anger sometimes. Being around and hearing people who act and talk like this. I cannot stand being downgraded and talked about by people who are like this. I dislike how people are two faced and pretend to be nice to you to get things they want or need for themselves but yet are constantly telling people how much they hate you and talk shit about you and your faults when they are doing worse things than what you have ever done or do.
People who act as if they are so great just because they have changed over some years. They did many things in their past that they now frown on people who have the same things affecting their lives. They did drugs, they neglected their children, they put their children in dangerous situations, their children witnessed domestic violence, and they lived a life of unholiness. however they now act as if they are better than people who do that. they act and talk about how people should not expose their children to situations, they talk about people who get help from the system financially. But yet they committed fraud because they were collecting welfare and food stamps and claiming the father was not around or they worked under the table and did not claim the income so they could support their addictions. Now that they no longer need help from the government they talk about the government taking from the rich and giving to the poor, but yet they do not work and support their selves.
I do not claim to be better than others. I try my hardest not to act better than anyone else. I do not live on a high horse. I do not try to pretend I did not come from what I came from. I remember who I was, who I am, and who I will someday hope to be.
It frustrates me to a point of anger sometimes. Being around and hearing people who act and talk like this. I cannot stand being downgraded and talked about by people who are like this. I dislike how people are two faced and pretend to be nice to you to get things they want or need for themselves but yet are constantly telling people how much they hate you and talk shit about you and your faults when they are doing worse things than what you have ever done or do.
Although We Have to Be Apart
Although We Have to Be Apart
Although we have to be apart,
We'll always be together,
Close enough in mind and heart
To manage any weather.
Reality is often bleak,
But love remains inside
A glass house on a mountain peak,
The wintry world beside.
Love can build its own four walls
And heat its own small room.
Through icy winds and blinding squalls,
Love can be in bloom.
Though continents drift far downstream
And mountains disappear,
And life dissolve into a dream,
Our love will still be here,
You'll turn, and I'll be here.
Although we have to be apart,
We'll always be together,
Close enough in mind and heart
To manage any weather.
Reality is often bleak,
But love remains inside
A glass house on a mountain peak,
The wintry world beside.
Love can build its own four walls
And heat its own small room.
Through icy winds and blinding squalls,
Love can be in bloom.
Though continents drift far downstream
And mountains disappear,
And life dissolve into a dream,
Our love will still be here,
You'll turn, and I'll be here.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Fear of Success
Fear of Success
All too often many people ask for success and prepare for failure.
One of the ways we sabotage our success is procrastination. We talk about what we want to do, without writing out a plan, and without taking any steps in that direction.
Plans are good. They help us to focus, and to put our ideas in some semblance of order. Writing helps to make things real. But there is another way.
Now let’s say that you are not the plan writing type, but you have ideas that are "all" worth something. Maybe your ideas are healing, artistic, or maybe they’ll help folks in ways that you only dream about but don’t act on.
There are those who know "why", and those who know "how". Now, you may know "why" you wish to pursue a certain course, but you may need someone who knows "how" to help make your dreams come true, so that fear takes on another coat.
There is no use keeping all of your talents and potential to yourself. It wouldn’t be fair to you, the world or the purpose for which you were born.
Sometimes you just have to go out and make a few mistakes. It’s all right. Practice makes perfect remember?
Feel the fear, and do it anyway. You will never overcome the fear of success unless you take the first step. That is how your journey to success begins. The rest is a lot easier.
Maybe you feel that you’ve aimed too high and that it could not possibly happen. Aiming high is a good thing. If you reach for the sky, you just might touch the stars. In fact, you might even become a star.
Fear is a part of our Shadow Self and it should be faced and embraced. That is one good way to get in touch with your fear. To acknowledge it. To become one with it. To know that it is a part of you and it is not bad, just there. By doing this, you will have removed most of the energy of fear and failure. You would have transmuted it into something positive and productive.
"If at first you don‘t succeed, try and try again". How many times have you heard that statement? Too many to count, right? Well it is a true statement and should be taken to heart.
Take a moment to think on something. You may not remember when you took your first steps, but I’ll bet that when you fell, you just kept getting up … again - and again - and again. Then, you started running.
Well that’s the attitude that you must take as an adult. When you have a new attitude about your fears they just seem to vanish.
As a student of yoga, I was taught that what you fear you attract to yourself. Now, one does not want to attract failure, but success.
Stand in the sphere of possibilities and be as confident in that as you can be.
Just to share a little something with you, the first time I gave a lecture I was quite nervous. Even though I may have been afraid of speaking before an audience, I did it anyway. The more I spoke the better I became, and soon I was speaking before a hundred or more people. It felt good to embrace a new part of myself.
Yes, I felt the tremor in my gut, but I made it work for me. You can do the same.
Be encouraged. Be alive in the knowing of yourself. Be ready to take the plunge.
If you need to put an affirmation on your door and look at it every morning, then do that. Affirmations help tremendously.
Face your fear and be successful. Then you will begin to enjoy the "Sweet Smell of Success".
All too often many people ask for success and prepare for failure.
One of the ways we sabotage our success is procrastination. We talk about what we want to do, without writing out a plan, and without taking any steps in that direction.
Plans are good. They help us to focus, and to put our ideas in some semblance of order. Writing helps to make things real. But there is another way.
Now let’s say that you are not the plan writing type, but you have ideas that are "all" worth something. Maybe your ideas are healing, artistic, or maybe they’ll help folks in ways that you only dream about but don’t act on.
There are those who know "why", and those who know "how". Now, you may know "why" you wish to pursue a certain course, but you may need someone who knows "how" to help make your dreams come true, so that fear takes on another coat.
There is no use keeping all of your talents and potential to yourself. It wouldn’t be fair to you, the world or the purpose for which you were born.
Sometimes you just have to go out and make a few mistakes. It’s all right. Practice makes perfect remember?
Feel the fear, and do it anyway. You will never overcome the fear of success unless you take the first step. That is how your journey to success begins. The rest is a lot easier.
Maybe you feel that you’ve aimed too high and that it could not possibly happen. Aiming high is a good thing. If you reach for the sky, you just might touch the stars. In fact, you might even become a star.
Fear is a part of our Shadow Self and it should be faced and embraced. That is one good way to get in touch with your fear. To acknowledge it. To become one with it. To know that it is a part of you and it is not bad, just there. By doing this, you will have removed most of the energy of fear and failure. You would have transmuted it into something positive and productive.
"If at first you don‘t succeed, try and try again". How many times have you heard that statement? Too many to count, right? Well it is a true statement and should be taken to heart.
Take a moment to think on something. You may not remember when you took your first steps, but I’ll bet that when you fell, you just kept getting up … again - and again - and again. Then, you started running.
Well that’s the attitude that you must take as an adult. When you have a new attitude about your fears they just seem to vanish.
As a student of yoga, I was taught that what you fear you attract to yourself. Now, one does not want to attract failure, but success.
Stand in the sphere of possibilities and be as confident in that as you can be.
Just to share a little something with you, the first time I gave a lecture I was quite nervous. Even though I may have been afraid of speaking before an audience, I did it anyway. The more I spoke the better I became, and soon I was speaking before a hundred or more people. It felt good to embrace a new part of myself.
Yes, I felt the tremor in my gut, but I made it work for me. You can do the same.
Be encouraged. Be alive in the knowing of yourself. Be ready to take the plunge.
If you need to put an affirmation on your door and look at it every morning, then do that. Affirmations help tremendously.
Face your fear and be successful. Then you will begin to enjoy the "Sweet Smell of Success".
http://www.addthis.com/bookmark.php
http://www.addthis.com/bookmark.php
All too often many people ask for success and prepare for failure.
One of the ways we sabotage our success is procrastination. We talk about what we want to do, without writing out a plan, and without taking any steps in that direction.
Plans are good. They help us to focus, and to put our ideas in some semblance of order. Writing helps to make things real. But there is another way.
Now let’s say that you are not the plan writing type, but you have ideas that are "all" worth something. Maybe your ideas are healing, artistic, or maybe they’ll help folks in ways that you only dream about but don’t act on.
There are those who know "why", and those who know "how". Now, you may know "why" you wish to pursue a certain course, but you may need someone who knows "how" to help make your dreams come true, so that fear takes on another coat.
There is no use keeping all of your talents and potential to yourself. It wouldn’t be fair to you, the world or the purpose for which you were born.
Sometimes you just have to go out and make a few mistakes. It’s all right. Practice makes perfect remember?
Feel the fear, and do it anyway. You will never overcome the fear of success unless you take the first step. That is how your journey to success begins. The rest is a lot easier.
Maybe you feel that you’ve aimed too high and that it could not possibly happen. Aiming high is a good thing. If you reach for the sky, you just might touch the stars. In fact, you might even become a star.
Fear is a part of our Shadow Self and it should be faced and embraced. That is one good way to get in touch with your fear. To acknowledge it. To become one with it. To know that it is a part of you and it is not bad, just there. By doing this, you will have removed most of the energy of fear and failure. You would have transmuted it into something positive and productive.
"If at first you don‘t succeed, try and try again". How many times have you heard that statement? Too many to count, right? Well it is a true statement and should be taken to heart.
Take a moment to think on something. You may not remember when you took your first steps, but I’ll bet that when you fell, you just kept getting up … again - and again - and again. Then, you started running.
Well that’s the attitude that you must take as an adult. When you have a new attitude about your fears they just seem to vanish.
As a student of yoga, I was taught that what you fear you attract to yourself. Now, one does not want to attract failure, but success.
Stand in the sphere of possibilities and be as confident in that as you can be.
Just to share a little something with you, the first time I gave a lecture I was quite nervous. Even though I may have been afraid of speaking before an audience, I did it anyway. The more I spoke the better I became, and soon I was speaking before a hundred or more people. It felt good to embrace a new part of myself.
Yes, I felt the tremor in my gut, but I made it work for me. You can do the same.
Be encouraged. Be alive in the knowing of yourself. Be ready to take the plunge.
If you need to put an affirmation on your door and look at it every morning, then do that. Affirmations help tremendously.
Face your fear and be successful. Then you will begin to enjoy the "Sweet Smell of Success".
All too often many people ask for success and prepare for failure.
One of the ways we sabotage our success is procrastination. We talk about what we want to do, without writing out a plan, and without taking any steps in that direction.
Plans are good. They help us to focus, and to put our ideas in some semblance of order. Writing helps to make things real. But there is another way.
Now let’s say that you are not the plan writing type, but you have ideas that are "all" worth something. Maybe your ideas are healing, artistic, or maybe they’ll help folks in ways that you only dream about but don’t act on.
There are those who know "why", and those who know "how". Now, you may know "why" you wish to pursue a certain course, but you may need someone who knows "how" to help make your dreams come true, so that fear takes on another coat.
There is no use keeping all of your talents and potential to yourself. It wouldn’t be fair to you, the world or the purpose for which you were born.
Sometimes you just have to go out and make a few mistakes. It’s all right. Practice makes perfect remember?
Feel the fear, and do it anyway. You will never overcome the fear of success unless you take the first step. That is how your journey to success begins. The rest is a lot easier.
Maybe you feel that you’ve aimed too high and that it could not possibly happen. Aiming high is a good thing. If you reach for the sky, you just might touch the stars. In fact, you might even become a star.
Fear is a part of our Shadow Self and it should be faced and embraced. That is one good way to get in touch with your fear. To acknowledge it. To become one with it. To know that it is a part of you and it is not bad, just there. By doing this, you will have removed most of the energy of fear and failure. You would have transmuted it into something positive and productive.
"If at first you don‘t succeed, try and try again". How many times have you heard that statement? Too many to count, right? Well it is a true statement and should be taken to heart.
Take a moment to think on something. You may not remember when you took your first steps, but I’ll bet that when you fell, you just kept getting up … again - and again - and again. Then, you started running.
Well that’s the attitude that you must take as an adult. When you have a new attitude about your fears they just seem to vanish.
As a student of yoga, I was taught that what you fear you attract to yourself. Now, one does not want to attract failure, but success.
Stand in the sphere of possibilities and be as confident in that as you can be.
Just to share a little something with you, the first time I gave a lecture I was quite nervous. Even though I may have been afraid of speaking before an audience, I did it anyway. The more I spoke the better I became, and soon I was speaking before a hundred or more people. It felt good to embrace a new part of myself.
Yes, I felt the tremor in my gut, but I made it work for me. You can do the same.
Be encouraged. Be alive in the knowing of yourself. Be ready to take the plunge.
If you need to put an affirmation on your door and look at it every morning, then do that. Affirmations help tremendously.
Face your fear and be successful. Then you will begin to enjoy the "Sweet Smell of Success".
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