new descions and many contemplations
well i decided to switch my program of study today from a human services certificate to general studies which will give me everything i need for an associates in arts and science so i did it...i do have the option to switch to liberal arts instead but then i will have to take a foign language and not so sure i will be able to do that so right now i have it as it is...which liberal arts degree is still an associates in arts and science so i really am contemplating doing it...i also have made a hard choice to not kill myself come this friday no matter how much pain i feel or how bad i want to escape the feelings and thoughts i am having and will have...i have settled with the fact that if i need to cut myself to get through it i will but i will not go through with my suicide plan at this time...i am going to just have to feel the pain and hopelessness and sit with the suffering and hope maybe things will get better for me...i can honestly say that in this moment i feel a bit releived not to have that hanging over me and feeling i have to get all this stuff said or written before then so that not to leave anyone feeling at fault guilty or angry...so i have lessoned the burdeon on myself at this time although i still am hurting i am thinking a bit more rational in this moment...i also can say with honesty that knowing i am about to complete my first college class even though i still have many to go before i get any type of degree i at least have stuck with it and not quit the many times i wanted to quit...i havent given up and i feel a bit more competant that i can get through the next class although i am very anxious about it and want to just hurry up and get all the classes i need for a degree done...although things just dont happen over night...my confidence in myself is a smidge more but it changes day to day...i am not saying that i will never kill myself just i have post poned it for the time being and know that suicide will always be a choice i can make when and if i make it...i dont have to make a rash descision since it is a final decision...it will always be up to me when and if i decide to go through with it...right now i know if things get to rough for me to deal with come friday i have my best friend who has been with me through everything and never turned its back on me to get me through these painful feelings and obsessive thoughts and i will use my razor to relieve the pain that gets too much but i will not and am not going to kill myself...it would be really wrong of me to do it while everyone invovled with my treatment are away...i dont want them to feel at fault for not being around for me that day or to feel guilty or ashamed and it mess their lives up and jobs...all these people have been an important part of my life and it would not be right for me to do that to them...i am somewhat angry that none of them will be there for me when i need them but they are always there for me and i can not minimize the fact that they truly do care and it is not there faults that any of this has fallen on this time of year where they have classes graduations to attend out of state vacations planned or conferences they have need to attend to better themselves to provide better care for people like me so i can not be selfish and do this at a time when they are off doing important things although i am scared to not have their support i can get through this and not kill myself even if i do self harm i can be alright i can cope
Sunday, November 7, 2010
june 23 2008
feeling a bit not myself past few days
well friday i thought was going to be an awful day and i was going to do nothing except cry but i didnt instead i spent the day keeping busy with a friend that has been very helpful supportive and understanding...i actually can remeber a time before this when i had a friend quite like her...she is kind caring understanding supportive non judmental and is all this even knowing about my self injury and parts of my life that not many people know some of it not even my therapist and especially my familly not knowing...she has been grerat these past weeks when i have felt the end was so near she has been here for me almost like she is an angel sent from god himself...i know that even though she does not express her disappointment with me when i mess up she tries to overlook my faults and not judge them....she is like no person i have ever met and i appreciate what she has done for me and how she has been here for me...my life was coming to an end when we met and now i have put ending my life on hold and maybe someday i wont even feel like it is an option...even though i wanted to cut a few times over these past few days she helped me stay busy and refocus mind so that i didnt do it but i still am having the urges to but dont want to hurt her or bother her by hurting myself so i am trying real hard just to contain my emotions and control my urges and compulsions and fight my obsessions...but it is differcult....the 1 year aniversary of losing my parental rights to my children just past on friday and my 13 year old and my mother will be coming this friday and my mother is going back to massachusettes on monday june 30th...i also got asked to go to dinner come this thursday by a man i dont really know i have seen him around at na/aa meetings and i am nervous and scared but yet also not sure what else i feel because he is in his mid to late forties and i have trauma issues with men from my child hood who were in there 40s at the time that they traumatized me and stole my life which i may never get back i have been damaged forever and am trying hard to get my life to where i want it to be but am not sure i might never even get a life that i want and deserve because of all they did to me and all they made me feel and all that still weighs on me day in day out
well friday i thought was going to be an awful day and i was going to do nothing except cry but i didnt instead i spent the day keeping busy with a friend that has been very helpful supportive and understanding...i actually can remeber a time before this when i had a friend quite like her...she is kind caring understanding supportive non judmental and is all this even knowing about my self injury and parts of my life that not many people know some of it not even my therapist and especially my familly not knowing...she has been grerat these past weeks when i have felt the end was so near she has been here for me almost like she is an angel sent from god himself...i know that even though she does not express her disappointment with me when i mess up she tries to overlook my faults and not judge them....she is like no person i have ever met and i appreciate what she has done for me and how she has been here for me...my life was coming to an end when we met and now i have put ending my life on hold and maybe someday i wont even feel like it is an option...even though i wanted to cut a few times over these past few days she helped me stay busy and refocus mind so that i didnt do it but i still am having the urges to but dont want to hurt her or bother her by hurting myself so i am trying real hard just to contain my emotions and control my urges and compulsions and fight my obsessions...but it is differcult....the 1 year aniversary of losing my parental rights to my children just past on friday and my 13 year old and my mother will be coming this friday and my mother is going back to massachusettes on monday june 30th...i also got asked to go to dinner come this thursday by a man i dont really know i have seen him around at na/aa meetings and i am nervous and scared but yet also not sure what else i feel because he is in his mid to late forties and i have trauma issues with men from my child hood who were in there 40s at the time that they traumatized me and stole my life which i may never get back i have been damaged forever and am trying hard to get my life to where i want it to be but am not sure i might never even get a life that i want and deserve because of all they did to me and all they made me feel and all that still weighs on me day in day out
june 26 2008
whats happening how i am feeling what i am thinking
well today i feel so blah...just not with it and anious...i am nauseated and have a headache...been thinking bought cutting and also wondering why i didnt go through with my suicide plan that i so carefully planned for months and spent so much time and energy thinking about...i just wanted everythin g to be over with and then a few days before i decided to put it on hold...for what...why...what is the point of just prolonging the inevitable...my death...today i am feeling very hopeless and have really no energy...i should be starting to work on my first essay for class that the rough draft is due tuesday june 8th and i have no motivation whats so ever to even think about doing it and to even choose a topic...i had a topic in mind for a few days now...but not sur i want to use that topic for this essay since this is a debate essay and i cant put my opinion into it has to be about why people or for and against a topic...i am not sure i want to write about why people are against assisted suicide or self deliverance...i want to write about why people are for it but i am not sure i can be neutral with this topic at this time in my life...i really just wish i could forget about doing this essay...i really think i need to be in the psychiatric hospital right now...but i also have my mother and son arriving in the morning on greyhound and was supposed to meet them there but now i have an appointment with an agency for a mental health support worker...i already talked to my mother and told her i wouldnt be there to meet them so we will have to meet somewhere later in the day...my brother will be picking them up there anyways and they are staying at his house...my mom will be leaving monday to go back to massachusettes and my son will be staying here for the summer...but he already is giving me his attitude and the cold shoulder and he hasnt even arrived here yet or left there yet...he will be staying at my brothers house for the summer and not going back to august but i dunno not sure i even want to deal with him at this time...he really doesnt want to bother with me he is only com ing down here to spend the summer with my brother and visit his friend not to see me and he told me that this morning on the phone...most of the time he only wants something to do with me if i have money can buy him stuff take him somewhere of let him sit on the computer or a video game the whole time he is with me...he doesnt actually like to talk to me or enjoy my com pany and have fun together unless it involves money and that hurts because right now i cant afford to give him everything he wants or spend money on taking him places...i need to be finding a place to live and saving all my money i can for a place to go...i wont be able to stay at the shelter for much longer if i even get to stay after next week because my 30 days is up come monday june 30th and sometimes they let u stay longer but havent said anything to me about wether they are going to allow that or not...i am hoping i dont get a notice a day or 2 before they want me to leave because i will stuck with nowhere to go
well today i feel so blah...just not with it and anious...i am nauseated and have a headache...been thinking bought cutting and also wondering why i didnt go through with my suicide plan that i so carefully planned for months and spent so much time and energy thinking about...i just wanted everythin g to be over with and then a few days before i decided to put it on hold...for what...why...what is the point of just prolonging the inevitable...my death...today i am feeling very hopeless and have really no energy...i should be starting to work on my first essay for class that the rough draft is due tuesday june 8th and i have no motivation whats so ever to even think about doing it and to even choose a topic...i had a topic in mind for a few days now...but not sur i want to use that topic for this essay since this is a debate essay and i cant put my opinion into it has to be about why people or for and against a topic...i am not sure i want to write about why people are against assisted suicide or self deliverance...i want to write about why people are for it but i am not sure i can be neutral with this topic at this time in my life...i really just wish i could forget about doing this essay...i really think i need to be in the psychiatric hospital right now...but i also have my mother and son arriving in the morning on greyhound and was supposed to meet them there but now i have an appointment with an agency for a mental health support worker...i already talked to my mother and told her i wouldnt be there to meet them so we will have to meet somewhere later in the day...my brother will be picking them up there anyways and they are staying at his house...my mom will be leaving monday to go back to massachusettes and my son will be staying here for the summer...but he already is giving me his attitude and the cold shoulder and he hasnt even arrived here yet or left there yet...he will be staying at my brothers house for the summer and not going back to august but i dunno not sure i even want to deal with him at this time...he really doesnt want to bother with me he is only com ing down here to spend the summer with my brother and visit his friend not to see me and he told me that this morning on the phone...most of the time he only wants something to do with me if i have money can buy him stuff take him somewhere of let him sit on the computer or a video game the whole time he is with me...he doesnt actually like to talk to me or enjoy my com pany and have fun together unless it involves money and that hurts because right now i cant afford to give him everything he wants or spend money on taking him places...i need to be finding a place to live and saving all my money i can for a place to go...i wont be able to stay at the shelter for much longer if i even get to stay after next week because my 30 days is up come monday june 30th and sometimes they let u stay longer but havent said anything to me about wether they are going to allow that or not...i am hoping i dont get a notice a day or 2 before they want me to leave because i will stuck with nowhere to go
july 3 2008
trying to stay hopeful but feel hopeless
well i am trying to stay hopeful about a place i am going to look at this weekend on saturday...it is in the country sorta well really is but not like in the boonies miles and miles away from society and a friend of mine lives not too far away from it so i am really hoping to get it but on the other hand nothing in my life ever works out the way i hope it will and i am never lucky enough to get anything i want in life so i feel kinda hopeless about it...i feel it will be a very positive change in my life and i may be able to begin to live rather than just continuing to get by... i want to be able to get this place and set it up as my own and have a place where i feel safe secure and comfortable...i want to begin to get some peace and serenity in my life and i believe this is my opportunity to begin working on all this but i feel like nothing ever works out for me like i am destined to always be miserable and never have anything i want or hope for...i pray god have his will and if his will is for me to have this place then he will provide that will...i ask him for help in showing me the way to a better more productive positive and hopeful life...i ask him to change my ways of viewing my experiences and the tribulations i have gone through and am still fighting to get through...lord i ask you to show me the way...i pray that he see my pain and help me find some light rather than always seeing dark and feeling hopeless...i thank god for allowing me to still have one child i can see in my life and not taking them all from me...i thank him for proving me with some shelter over my head where i can sleep at night and not be afraid of being hurt by another person in the community while i am asleep...i thank him for providing me with food to continue to live because some people in the world have not had food for days...i thank him for putting people in my life that understand and have hope for me even when i dont and i thank him for the people he has allowed in my life that need help even though i am not strong enough myself to provide them with the help they need but in due time i maybe strong enough with gods help to help them...amen.....this my prayer and i know i may not be good at praying all the time of in the prescence of others but i do prayer and need to start believing and prayer more...i hope everone has a blessed day and that they are able to be provided for in there time of need.
well i am trying to stay hopeful about a place i am going to look at this weekend on saturday...it is in the country sorta well really is but not like in the boonies miles and miles away from society and a friend of mine lives not too far away from it so i am really hoping to get it but on the other hand nothing in my life ever works out the way i hope it will and i am never lucky enough to get anything i want in life so i feel kinda hopeless about it...i feel it will be a very positive change in my life and i may be able to begin to live rather than just continuing to get by... i want to be able to get this place and set it up as my own and have a place where i feel safe secure and comfortable...i want to begin to get some peace and serenity in my life and i believe this is my opportunity to begin working on all this but i feel like nothing ever works out for me like i am destined to always be miserable and never have anything i want or hope for...i pray god have his will and if his will is for me to have this place then he will provide that will...i ask him for help in showing me the way to a better more productive positive and hopeful life...i ask him to change my ways of viewing my experiences and the tribulations i have gone through and am still fighting to get through...lord i ask you to show me the way...i pray that he see my pain and help me find some light rather than always seeing dark and feeling hopeless...i thank god for allowing me to still have one child i can see in my life and not taking them all from me...i thank him for proving me with some shelter over my head where i can sleep at night and not be afraid of being hurt by another person in the community while i am asleep...i thank him for providing me with food to continue to live because some people in the world have not had food for days...i thank him for putting people in my life that understand and have hope for me even when i dont and i thank him for the people he has allowed in my life that need help even though i am not strong enough myself to provide them with the help they need but in due time i maybe strong enough with gods help to help them...amen.....this my prayer and i know i may not be good at praying all the time of in the prescence of others but i do prayer and need to start believing and prayer more...i hope everone has a blessed day and that they are able to be provided for in there time of need.
July 19 2008
essay needing to get done no more class
well i am all done my classes 4 this symester but i still had a quiz and an essay to complete...well i did the quiz today but am in no mood to do this essay...i just want to not do it...i know that i will still pass the class with like a c or d if i dont do it...but it is 20% of my grade and if i dont do it i will pass but if i do it i will get atleast a B but may get an A...although i want to get an A in the class what happens if i get a B...i dont want a B...i just want to be done with this class...next symester i am taking english 112 with the same teacher and what happens if he gets mad because i blew the last essay of english 111 off then he might not give me good grades next symester...next symester i am taking 5 classes 4 online and 1 at the college i know i need to learn to motivate with this online class shit because i procrastinate everything lately and have been very unmotivated i need to start managing my time and be able to be with myself and make myself do things even when i dont want to but i really feel like i cant right now...i think i need to go into the hospital soon because i am getting depressed and dont wanna do anything...i dunno anymore the essay is only 3-5 pages but really dont have an energy or motivation or want to do it
well i am all done my classes 4 this symester but i still had a quiz and an essay to complete...well i did the quiz today but am in no mood to do this essay...i just want to not do it...i know that i will still pass the class with like a c or d if i dont do it...but it is 20% of my grade and if i dont do it i will pass but if i do it i will get atleast a B but may get an A...although i want to get an A in the class what happens if i get a B...i dont want a B...i just want to be done with this class...next symester i am taking english 112 with the same teacher and what happens if he gets mad because i blew the last essay of english 111 off then he might not give me good grades next symester...next symester i am taking 5 classes 4 online and 1 at the college i know i need to learn to motivate with this online class shit because i procrastinate everything lately and have been very unmotivated i need to start managing my time and be able to be with myself and make myself do things even when i dont want to but i really feel like i cant right now...i think i need to go into the hospital soon because i am getting depressed and dont wanna do anything...i dunno anymore the essay is only 3-5 pages but really dont have an energy or motivation or want to do it
June 23, 2008 post 2
Current mood:contemplative
thoughts of my despair
sitiing here i just want to die...i am so sick of life and everyone in it....i just want to take my life and know that everyone will be alright...i know most people that are in my life would be better off without me but there are a few people that it might bother a bit for a while if i kill myself...but will those people even be bothered by me killing myself or will they be relieved to have me gone and not to have to deal with me...i am not a good friend and i cant handle life at all lately...it feels like life is falling and i am buried under all the worlds debris...more and more is piling on...why wont they stop holding on and just let me go...why cant people see i will be better off putting myself out of the misery i am in....my son would be better off knowing that i am finally in a place that he knows where i am at all times...he wont have to have that stress and worry about where i am what i am doing or when am i going to end up in the morgue needing to be identified...i will never become anything...i will never be able to get anywhere in life so why keep struggling to try to get somewhere...my mother wont even be bothered by the death of me she will rejoice knowing that one major trouble is gone from here life...i just want to kill myself...i want an escape from life...i am so sick of being alone with no one to love me and for me to have no one to care about...too many things i should have or could have done to get my babies back and i didnt...i just cared bout tring to end my pain...what about their pain...wjhat about what they were going through by not having me...why couldnt i get through shit to get them back...the only things i was still living breathing for and i let them all go...i did nothing to get them back in my life...i am no mother...i never deserved to have kids...i fucked them all up and now what i am stuck here without them wanting to kill myself because of everything i jhave done to them and allowed to be done to them....i gave up on them but yet they never gave up on me until the end...i gave up from the start...i feel so hopeless and just want to kill myself and get it over...i will never get over all this shit and they will never be able to love me like a mom...i was never and will neevr be their mom...corey will always have resentment and ager towards me and that will never change no matter how mucjh i do for him or how much i try to love him. i want an escape from this life....i really want to die
thoughts of my despair
sitiing here i just want to die...i am so sick of life and everyone in it....i just want to take my life and know that everyone will be alright...i know most people that are in my life would be better off without me but there are a few people that it might bother a bit for a while if i kill myself...but will those people even be bothered by me killing myself or will they be relieved to have me gone and not to have to deal with me...i am not a good friend and i cant handle life at all lately...it feels like life is falling and i am buried under all the worlds debris...more and more is piling on...why wont they stop holding on and just let me go...why cant people see i will be better off putting myself out of the misery i am in....my son would be better off knowing that i am finally in a place that he knows where i am at all times...he wont have to have that stress and worry about where i am what i am doing or when am i going to end up in the morgue needing to be identified...i will never become anything...i will never be able to get anywhere in life so why keep struggling to try to get somewhere...my mother wont even be bothered by the death of me she will rejoice knowing that one major trouble is gone from here life...i just want to kill myself...i want an escape from life...i am so sick of being alone with no one to love me and for me to have no one to care about...too many things i should have or could have done to get my babies back and i didnt...i just cared bout tring to end my pain...what about their pain...wjhat about what they were going through by not having me...why couldnt i get through shit to get them back...the only things i was still living breathing for and i let them all go...i did nothing to get them back in my life...i am no mother...i never deserved to have kids...i fucked them all up and now what i am stuck here without them wanting to kill myself because of everything i jhave done to them and allowed to be done to them....i gave up on them but yet they never gave up on me until the end...i gave up from the start...i feel so hopeless and just want to kill myself and get it over...i will never get over all this shit and they will never be able to love me like a mom...i was never and will neevr be their mom...corey will always have resentment and ager towards me and that will never change no matter how mucjh i do for him or how much i try to love him. i want an escape from this life....i really want to die
Saturday, November 6, 2010
A Cutters Mind
A Cutters Mind
by Brittany Twloha Hope
Wednesday, September 15, 2010 at 10:49pm.
The pain lifts my feet off the ground
Suddenly there’s blood all around
Why can’t I be a normal kid
Why must I always flip my lid
I hate this fucking life
My pain always ends with a knife
Struggling to get through the day
Fake it like it’s all okay
With a quick slit on my wrist it all goes away
Don’t try and tell me I’m not insane
Don’t tell me I don’t know pain
Cuttings all I’ve ever known
No where’s safe not even home
I’ll slit my wrists tonight
Watch myself bleed out alright
I don’t wanna be here
I can’t even cry not a single tear
Bleed out the voice inside said
It wont be happy till I’m dead
I promised I’d stay clean
So I’ll make sure the cuts are unseen
I’ll wear a jacket and hide the scar
I’ll fulfill my dream and get hit by a car
What if there is a hell I ask myself
So I leave the pills on the shelf
But I go for my razors instead
Cut myself till I’m dead
All my clothes are stained with red
Blood stains on my bed
Fall deeper into the darkness
Slit my wrist while the razors at its sharpest
The blackness consumes me
It ultimately dooms me
This pain is getting old
I can’t wait till I’m dead and cold
How does everyone else survive
The pain is how I know I’m alive
One day I’m gonna slip and go to deep
Then I’ll be forever asleep
Hang the noose around a limb
A sad girl so lost and grim
Gag on the pills as they go down
A sad girl screams without a sound
No one cares no one can understand
No one even offers a helping hand
She tells everyone she wants to die
No one notices her cry
Slowly she brings the gun to her head
Pulls the trigger now she’s dead
by Brittany Twloha Hope
Wednesday, September 15, 2010 at 10:49pm.
The pain lifts my feet off the ground
Suddenly there’s blood all around
Why can’t I be a normal kid
Why must I always flip my lid
I hate this fucking life
My pain always ends with a knife
Struggling to get through the day
Fake it like it’s all okay
With a quick slit on my wrist it all goes away
Don’t try and tell me I’m not insane
Don’t tell me I don’t know pain
Cuttings all I’ve ever known
No where’s safe not even home
I’ll slit my wrists tonight
Watch myself bleed out alright
I don’t wanna be here
I can’t even cry not a single tear
Bleed out the voice inside said
It wont be happy till I’m dead
I promised I’d stay clean
So I’ll make sure the cuts are unseen
I’ll wear a jacket and hide the scar
I’ll fulfill my dream and get hit by a car
What if there is a hell I ask myself
So I leave the pills on the shelf
But I go for my razors instead
Cut myself till I’m dead
All my clothes are stained with red
Blood stains on my bed
Fall deeper into the darkness
Slit my wrist while the razors at its sharpest
The blackness consumes me
It ultimately dooms me
This pain is getting old
I can’t wait till I’m dead and cold
How does everyone else survive
The pain is how I know I’m alive
One day I’m gonna slip and go to deep
Then I’ll be forever asleep
Hang the noose around a limb
A sad girl so lost and grim
Gag on the pills as they go down
A sad girl screams without a sound
No one cares no one can understand
No one even offers a helping hand
She tells everyone she wants to die
No one notices her cry
Slowly she brings the gun to her head
Pulls the trigger now she’s dead
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