may 10 2009

venting
i guess i am doin need ot get some sleep would like to sleep the rest of today and not waken up until monday but i know that wont happen i actually prefer nto to wake up at all but i have no luck when it comes to that...i also am supposed to drive to the airport in nc to pick up my son cause my brother does not feel liek going to get him even though he lives with him and he has custody they never want to do anything for or with the kid... they do not even get the kid what he needs like glasses that he has not had since he busted them back in october or therapy which he needs and his pdoc has been harrassing them about getting him but they have not gotton them...so i guess i am going to have to drive the 3 hours there and then 3 hours back and his flight supposed to be in at 6:55pm but then my mom says that he may not be coming bakc because my sisters boyfriend left her and moved in with another girl and is selling drugs and has a gun that he bought but is in my sisters name and he took the babies check and left them with no diapers and did not pay the bills or rent and all this shit which there oldest daughter just turned 4 last weekend which is why my son went there and she has autism and then they have one that is turning 2 but i went through the same shit back january 2003 with my husband except he pressed kidnapping charges on me and had me arrested and lied to get emergency custody and all and my mother sits there ont he phone tonight saying poor destin y she should not have to go through this and all this bullshit but when i was going through it all and had a miscarriage becaus eof it all no one cared and my kids ended up in social services and everything but yet my mom is going to help her move back to mass from missouri and hel;p her with the kids but yet when i was going through it akll and fought and got my kids back and then lost them again she didnt care and didnt help then last minute she came her to try to file for custody only for the judge to say she had had nothing to do with them this whole time so denied her custody and i lost mine forever but yet she stands by the other kids and always helps all them. i am angry and hurt right now i want to cry i want to feel something more than i am feeling i want an escape i need an escape i need to run from all thjis shit and to toip it off my brother is in psych unit at the hospital in mass for overdosing and trying to jump off bridge and my mother has been there to visit him everyday all week and never gives too shits when i am in hosital not even when i a, icu for days sometimes 7 on monitors and ivs and all that i have never been cared about or loved but yet they can do what they want steal from her threaten her use her and commit crimes and so on and so forth and she still jumps for them but hates me and always has she has never loved cared about or wanted me i hate my life

january 14 2008

iam taking it one day at a time just feel like everytime i start to get somewhere or think i am getting some where in life it all falls apart on me and i have no control over any of it...i am still stuck at my brothers house,not taking my meds(sorta saving them just in case),quit my accupunture group last week,got denied by ywca because of my mental health history for a fucking room rental,went on a spending spree on ebay and had no money bounced my account almost 600 so far who knows how much more fees are going to go through,bought my brother a bus ticket to come here with my last 140 dollars this month so he could escape going to jail since his po is violating him then he never got on the bus,i do have 15 packs of cigarrettes for the rest of the month, my mom and son got into last monday and she smacked him and he pushed her and the physically fought, i went through that shit with her and dont want him going through it the only difference with him and i is he fought back and i was a coward and cowered everytime she came after me, been fighting alot with my brothers wife because she neglects the 2 babies and jumps for her 5 yr old, she dont want me here, want to run from this all, and to top it all off jan 18th is just creepin upon me and that was the day 2 yrs ago that social services came to my house and took my kids and just been thinking bout it so much, plus the 2 youngest bdays are in feb...i dunno maybe i am getting to far ahead of myself and just trying to find an excuse to escape all the emotional shit inside...but i havent been in hospital since november 13th was my last admission and got out the 15th,havent self harmed since but really been needing to and have been fighting it...just alot i guess and too much to keep thinking bout just want it to go away just wanting me to go away although i dunno i just need an escape to not feel these emotions and have the thoughts of that day they came and i promised dan and autumn i would get them back as i dressed them and put them in the social workers vehicle,i feel i lied to them and let them down in the worst way, now i have fucked them up for along time and never wanted that but obviously i am too fucked up and i couldnt get them back because i emotionally couldnt handle the shit and them being gone....sorry for bothering you just crying isnt helping and trying to avoid it by playing on this puter all day from the time i get up a around 7am till i go to bed at 2 or 3 am lately isnt helping me get rid of this shit or the urges to self injure at all... what do i do...dont think i can handle this shit much longer with out giving in or giving up

june 9 2009

I am so tired of being used by people in my life specifically men. i try hard to get away from situations that I do not like or things I do not want to do and what happens men come around and fuck with my mind. I want an escape away from all this. I want them to go away and stay away. I would liek for all their people to stop calling my house and when they do for these men to be men and tell these people to stop calling here and that they do not want to be bothered. But no instead these supposed men or should I say little boys refuse to answer the phone to the people and the people call numerous times and then when and if I answer then I have to lie and say these little boys are not here when they really are. These people who call for them know they are here and know I am lying. These 2 men play off of eachother telling these people the other is here and so on and so forth so I am caught in the middle of all their bullshit. Then one of the huys wants to be with me just to use me and it always ends with us arguing but then he eventually comes back. I no longer have care for him I kinda am rageful about him but yet then he tries to be so nice when he wants to get back on my good side but then treats me like shit again and again. Then the other man is a great guy and he treats me very good almost seems too good to be true but he has been doing this for quite a while but I am just afraid to get involved. He has some faults and is involved in stuff that I want to stay away from but yet when he is around it is hard not to want to do those things or to stay away from it. Yes at times he is helpful and stays away from it for my sake mostly but then atleastI every few weeks it starts over. I have tried to get away from ehre and want to move so much but cant for some reason. People here like me and I am not quite sure why but I also am not sure where I would go and I know if I go into the shelter my son can not spend nights with me and where will I take him during the day to spend time with him since alls he wants to do while he is here is playing on the computer or play on his xbox. If I have no place for him to do that then he will not want to spend time with me plus it is not really comfortable weather for him to be outside hanging at a park or something and I know he will not want to do that. I feel trapped here/ I do not see an escape away from here. Why is it I always seem to get involved with negative peopel and why is it I can not stay to myself and keep people away from and for me to stay away from them. I think I would be alright if i could learn to stay to myself and not be such a people person. If I could hibernate I would be alot better off. but for soem reason I can not. I have less than 2 weeks to my planned date to escape all this pain and misery but still have not been able to get enough shit to carry my plans out. So what do I do? How do I obtain the means to do myself in if no one is willing to help obtain the need shit and I have no means of obtaining the shit currently but yet I am desperate. I want out of this world and the pain I endure day in and day out.

may 9 2009

today
Well today has been a pretty good day so far i guess. atmy friends house tilling up the area for the peppers for the salsa shack and she is clearing out hte camping area. That is where i will be staying for the summer and trying to figure out who i am who i want to be and what i want to do for my future. It is going to give me the time and spcae to work on me and maybe get somewhere. I am sure this summer will not be easy and all this work i need to and want to do over the next few months is going to be emotionally hard but i hope it gives me hope and a new way to live. I am searching for myself and still have not found me. So many things interest me fora while and then the interest goes away and i become restless and bored with them. Not that i lose all interest on the things i just can not do them as much as i did in the beginning. If i can learn to like me and like who i am whoever that may be then maybe i will be able to just enjoy the things without becoming bored and restless and just not doing them at all. I just do not want to try and be someone i am not just because of the people i am around and I also do not want to pretend to be interested and to like something when i do not just because i am trying to be accepted by people. the big question to me is WHO AM I? maybe I will get some enlightenment with all this and might find some real answers by taking this time of reflection and working on my inner self.

Paper I wrote for Abnormal Psych class few years ago on BPD

Paper on Borderline Personality Disorder I wrote for Abnormal Psych class
Disorder Paper: Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline personality disorder is a complicated disorder characterized by black and white thinking also known as all or nothing thinking. Most borderlines are manipulative and insecure. They have low self-esteem and nearly no self-confidence. They have not learned effective coping mechanisms and are unable to distinguish between themselves and the world that they grew up in. Most borderlines have issues with boundaries and limits. They do not have their own and have a hard time allowing others to have boundaries. They tend to be impulsive in their actions and unable to think before acting for the most part. The diagnostic statistical manual for mental health disorders states,
Diagnostic criteria for 301.83 Borderline Personality Disorder- A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
Impulsivity in atleast two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. (DSM IV-TR)
Dr. Corelli describes Borderline Personality Disorder as, "There is a deep-seated feeling that one is flawed, defective, damaged, or bad in some way, with a tendency to go to extremes in thinking, feeling, or behavior. Under extreme stress or in severe cases there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms" (Corelli). "Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone" (NIMH 2008). "A person with this disorder can often be bright and intelligent, and appear warm, friendly, and competent. They sometimes can maintain this appearance for a number of years until their defense structure crumbles, usually around a stressful situation like the breakup of a romantic relationship or the death of a parent" (Corelli). Symptoms appear to minimize as the Borderline ages. This may be due to life experience as they grow; they seem to manage their symptoms better. Their lives seem to settle down and become more stable. They commence to be able to function and manage better as they age.
There is an influential connection between child abuse, neglect, and Borderline Personality Disorder. More women than men are identified as having BPD. According to an article, "Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a common and severe condition with substantial morbidity and mortality. BPD has a point prevalence of 1% to 2% in the general population, but the rate climbs to 10% to 20% in the mental health treatment settings. BPD is manifested by a wide array of symptoms and is associated with significant functional impairment and mortality rates approaching 10% in long-range naturalistic studies" (Gregory, Remen 2008). The DSM IV-TR states, "Physical and sexual abuse, neglect, hostile conflict, and early parental loss or separation are more common in the child-hood histories of those with Borderline Personality Disorder" (DSM IV-TR, pg.708). It also states, Borderline Personality Disorder is about five times more common among first-degree biological relatives of those with the disorder than in the general population" (DSM IV-TR, pg.709). There is some evidence of biological connection although studies have not shown clear evidence of what genetic links there are in BPD.
During recent years, there have been many studies done and treatment for BPD is more widespread now than a decade ago. There is still a stigma against people diagnosed with BPD in the world and the mental health system itself. One article advises, "Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder are often unfairly discriminated against within the broad range of mental health professionals because they are seen as 'trouble-makers'" While they may indeed need more care than many other patients, their behavior is caused by their disorder" (Levin 2001). It also states, "Many professionals are turned-off by working with people with this disorder, because it draws many negative feelings from the clinician" (Levin 2001). An article on the web says, "People with borderline personality disorder are among the most difficult to treat with psychotherapy, in part because their relationship with their therapist may become as intense and unstable as their other personal relationships" (Personality Disorders). Treatment providers need to set and stick with clear limits. They need to be able to provide support to the borderline but not allow the borderlines manipulative behavior to interfere in the treatment they are providing.
Over the past decade or so there have been many treatments suggested for treating borderlines but not many have shown to be effective in the long-term treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. An article reads, "Treatment includes psychotherapy which allows the patient to talk about both present difficulties and past experiences in the presence of an empathetic, accepting, and non-judgemental therapist. The therapy needs to be structured, consistent and regular, with the patient encouraged to talk about his or her feelings rather than to discharge them in his or her usual self-defeating ways" (Corelli). The most effective treatment that has shown to be effective is DBT. Dialectical behavioral therapy first introduced by Marsha Linehan has shown to be the most effective in helping the borderline learn to live their life to the fullest they are capable of. An article states, "Therapy should help to alleviate psychotic or mood-disturbance symptoms and generally integrate the whole personality. With this increased awareness and capacity for self-observation and introspection, it is hoped the patient will be able to change the rigid patterns tragically set earlier in life and prevent the pattern from repeating itself in the next generational cycle" (Corelli). Treatment of the borderline client and its effectiveness depends on the investment of the client. They borderline needs to want to change to effectively benefit from any treatment that is provided including but not limited to; DBT, psychotherapy, medications, or other methods that has not been mentioned but may help. Borderline Personality Disorder needs to be studied more to find more beneficial treatments.


Works Cited:
American Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 2000.
Corelli M.D., Richard J., "Borderline Personality Disorder", Http://www.stanford.edu. Retrieved October 17, 2008. Http://www.stanford.edu/~corelli/borderline.html.
NIMH., "Borderline Personality Disorder". Http://www.nimh.nih.gov. Retrieved October 15, 2008. Last reviewed: June 26, 2008. Http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml.
"Personality Disorders", Microsoft Encarta Online Encyclopedia 2008. Retrieved October 15, 2008. Http://encarta.msn.com. © 1997-2008 Microsoft Corporation. All Rights Reserved.

Email i sent to my worker's supervising about my distress

I wish I could make all of you all see that my life is not worth the effort and time people and society waste on me. The amount of money for my shortest least medical risked hospitalization I had this year which was the one at the very end of march I was billed for more than $9,000 by Lynchburg general hospital but then the insurance must have finally paid it because after arguing with them several times I have not heard from then since. From my understanding my overdose in February and in June must have been much more expensive than that and if not even so that alone just in those 3 times that is saying that roughly $30,000 has been wasted of taxpayers’ money. That does not include; my medication I am now prescribed, my mental health support payments to ehs, my psychiatrist payments to ehs, my payments to csb for what they claimed to be treatment such as therapy psychiatry and case management; and I am saying just the monetary value of taxpayers’ money being wasted on a worthless life just in the last 10 months not including the factors of wasted effort, care, understanding, concern, and the distress placed upon people who must work with me. it just puts way too much value into a no-good nothing who will never be productive in society and who these resources should not be wasted on. Resources are hard to come by in life and so why is it being wasted on something such as me? Why must society waste their time and effort on a low life such as I when in fact all this could be used elsewhere on deserving individuals who want something more and want to live. People who someday will be worth the money, effort, care, time, and stress. Why Not just stop wasting time services and money on me.

I am not saying that Jane has not helped me tremendously as over the past few months I have gone through a lot with taking my trip to my families and then the emotions coming from stuff like that. She has supported me through difficulties with my landlords and helped me meet with them and express my concerns regarding my lease terms and difficulties with the new neighbors. She also has put up with my unjustifiable anger towards her and not walked away from me as she should have. Jane has supported me and urged me to continue taking my medication even when I don’t want and when I choose not to she still stands by me no matter what my decision has been. She has helped me many times with my hopeless feelings and helped me see some glimpses of hope. We have shared some peaceful moments in the community and doing community activities. She has linked me to services and helped me with things that has been difficult by encouraging me to do things even when I feel unmotivated especially lately when all I want to do is stay in bed she comes and so I have no choice but to make sure I get up. Well not that if I laid there in bed she could do anything really about it but just the fact of her consistency in my life has helped. With all that is happening my life feels so hopeless and though I continue to want to die recently the past week daily every waking hour and I plan the right moment I will do this when she comes here she helps me see more than these thoughts and feelings. She helps me realize that not always do I feel this way even when I feel it is like this always and though it may seem to me it is more and more it also is more and more where there are moment s that I am able to enjoy things in life such as the outdoors, fishing or walking in the woods while talking, I do have more moments than I used to that I can say where I enjoy life but life is still pointless.

My life is falling apart. I am facing criminal charges for my own stupidity and inability to stay away from unhealthy and destructive relationships even when I recognize that the relationship is causing me too much harm and is eventually going to end. I do try to take steps and use skills I have learned including communication skills and the sorts to express what is going on and how things are effecting me and I do try to walk away from things before it gets to points such as this incidence but with all the anger I had been unable to control recently I lost it as I used to. I thought I had learned to control that and only had learned how to take the blame for everything including everyone else’s behaviors and choices and now I face consequences for my own behaviors and choices. I also am having difficulties with my son and now allowed my mouth to hurt him and he won’t come home. I fear if I force him home he will runaway anyways or he will have my mother or brother go to court and take him from me which will not be hard since I have been in the medical hospital for mental health issues 3 times this year and alls he has o do is tell the judge he no longer wants to live with me and he wants to go back with them and that will be that. Then the difficulties with the landlord and the lease issues have now turned into me having to move and I have been giving a 30 day notice to move. Where will I go? I may be on medication that is helping me not take my life somewhat and Jane seeing me consistently helps keep me stable for the time but what will I do ultimately. It seems when I am trying to do as all you professionals claim I need to do to better my life such as take medication I seem to be very angry outwardly rather than inwardly. I feel more anxiety and as if things in my life just are getting worse and I am sitting here doing nothing but accepting all this shit. Though I want to kill myself and I have these pills here that should do me in I just do not feel like I have much in me right now left. I feel like there really is nothing left of me. I am just a shell full of anger and rage at the world with no energy to get rid of it. I contemplate everyday whether to continue these medications as I feel they are holding me back right at this moment from having the energy I need to complete my long 32 years of misery and make this all end for everyone involved.

My son Corey, will be better in the long run as he will never have to deal with me emotionally hurting him or telling him to go away again. He will be able to keep the freedom he has and get the freedom he desires. My mother will be free from the burden of helping me when I am distressed fearing if she does not offer then I will end up attempting to take my life but won’t succeed and then she feels guilty, my siblings will be free of the extra stress me being alive puts on them by hearing my mother complaining about what happens here with me. Corey may then decide to stop acting like me against authority figures in school as I am not a discouragement towards his antiauthority behavior he has in school nor am I helpful and have the answers his day treatment counselor seeks from me regularly. If I had the answers then I would be doing it and he would not have them for services but then why am I the one who am looked to for the answers and looked at as like the problem as if I am the one who has done something wrong when in fact I did not raise him and he has only been under my care for 2 years and has never been suspended so I must have had been doing something right for him until recently. But that’s all over with now anyways and he will ultimately be better off with me gone from his life. My son Daniel is the one I worry about the most as he is the oldest of the 4 I have no rights to and he’s the one who may never get adopted but is in a foster home with foster parents. He is the one I worry may ultimately be most impacted by my choice to end my suffering when he seeks me out as he turns of age. I worry he will feel I did not love him enough to keep fighting for him back when I chose not to continue the appeals and then I chose to not wait for him and fighting life waiting for him and that is my fear but in the end when he is an adult and comes to understand that I was never going to get anywhere and would always be miserable and worthless and useless even when he sought me out I hope that he will then realize I loved him and wanted better for him when he grew into a man and so I would rather not be here living suffering still when he grew up. The 2 girls are together and though Autumn was old enough to remember I hope Winter will never remember me and will always only have memories of her adoptive family and so I hope that they keep each other safe and are able to help each other throughout life be stronger women than I have ever or would have ever been. My youngest son may have some vague memories of me but I doubt it and just want for him to forget me as he has a mother who will give him more than I ever could. She hates me and I am sure both sets of adoptive families will teach my children that I was useless and that they will hate me anyways. And so though I desire and yearn to be better for them when they grew older it has been over 4 years now and I still am no different. I am going to be homeless soon as I was back when I fought for them. I am facing criminal charges that could land me in jail and I could get jail time. I most definitely am getting a criminal record out of this because I am not a liar and though the other person involved can lie to any and everyone and swear on their mothers grave and the bible though I am not religious I still will not lie nor sear on peoples life’s or graves or urns or whatever even when telling the truth I would rather just be trusted and tell the truth and so I am not going to lie in court as I did not lie to the police or the magistrate when I went there. I told the truth. I admitted to my wrongs. I also told them I would do it again to if I saw what I saw the many times I saw things happen there at that house. And so I have to deal with the consequences from that choice though I also see a correlation between the fact that in the past when I have been medicated by psychiatrists I have had anger problems outwardly too but when not on medication I more have anger problems inwardly and am able to let my anger and frustrations with others go much easier or to not let their behaviors bother me as much. And more recently I have gotten myself into a pattern of not caring about other issues that in the past I would greatly care about and would cause me so much distress when I placed myself into those situations that I would want to die or hurt myself because of the guilt and shame I felt. Now I just go do the shit and don’t care. I don’t care about the mental effects it causes me and I keep them to myself allowing them to race through my mind. I don’t care about the dangers I am placing myself into. I don’t care about the long term consequences the choices could have which are all things that have been issues for me in the past and I have been in this mode in the past though I can say that it has been a medication thing or not but I just more think the distress, shame, and guilt is not there because of the meds which is a positive in a way but also a big negative because I don’t care about any of the consequences and so I just let whatever happen and do whatever just don’t care. My life is crumbling around me and the water is getting deeper but yet my raft I am floating on is dwindling. And so I have decided maybe I don’t need these pills as much as they are helpful they are also harmful and are keeping me suffering here in life. I am not living though. I don’t have a life. I may be breathing, I may have a heartbeat and they may detect some sort of brainwaves in my head though I am not sure anymore. I am only managing with the help of Jane I am doing all these things but I don’t want to manage. If I cannot live then there is no point in breathing, letting my heart beat, or my brain to continue telling the rest of my organs to keep going. So I stopped my meds yesterday. It is just as damaging for me to take them as it is for me not to take them in my opinion. So I don’t care Everything in my life is falling apart and my life is not worth all this money he system pays to medical providers to keep saving. So ask that if I am found when I decide to let go of life for no one to interfere. I ask that you realize what value there is in Jane as she has helped me so much lately when I have been distressed from all that has been happening and she has supported me encouraged me and worked with me to feel better, to motivate, she has taught me how to trust and that people can care about people without hurting them. Jane is helpful and none of it will ever be because she did or said the wrong thing to me. I do know none of you will never understand but I hope that you will realize someday that I was long gone and a lost cause way before any of you were ever involved in my life. I was destined to die young or live in misery till I am old which would you choose. Die young while people can still speak good things about you and possible leave them hopefully leave them with some positive good lasting memories of you or stay living angrily being miserable and causing everyone to hate you and no one to want to remember you or wanting to even show up at your funeral. You know my choice and just think of it from my point.

At this time I am not immediately going to kill myself so do not get any of your bright ideas of having me eco’d or tdo’d because I am just writing to wanting to express how I feel about things and let you know where I stand on life. I want people to realize that I am a waste of time, money, and resources. I want you to see realize and understand that I struggle and though it gets hard and rough at times there have been some better experiences in my life since my worker was changed 14 months ago. So ask does that mean I keep going that it will definitely get better more and more, no I doubt that since in the last 3 weeks everything around me in my life has falling apart though I am managing it. Maybe if I did not have a mental health worker I trusted and who could help me motivate and get out of bed when all I want to do is sleep then maybe I would already be dead. Maybe I would have taken all those pills a week ago. Maybe if I was not taking the medication I was taking until yesterday I would be in worse shape and then maybe the rest of the services would not help me but I doubt the medication has that much power since the meds are meds I have been on previous and in combination before and alls I see they do for me is cause me more anxiety, make me paranoid or the symptom of paranoia from my BPD come out in me more prominently that I recognize it and it is bothersome to me, make me not care about things I was ashamed of previously and felt guilty for when I did place myself in those situations, and helped me feel my pent up anger and outwardly express it more rather than blame myself or let others blame me and me accept the blame but yet they also have helped my thinking to slow down

and my impulsivity to lesson. They have helped me rationally and emotionally think more in combination so I use my wise mind regarding suicide and self harm and drugs use but not other dangerous behaviors that are impulsive, dangerous, emotionally, mentally, and possibly medically harmful to me. So how long do you think they will take to be completely gone from my system and I can get back to being me and feeling the way I should and being who I really am meant to be?

Well I hope this is helpful to you to understand where I am coming from and what happens. I called the other day just because I knew I needed someone to understand me more than just Jane. I mean she understands to a point but not sure she understands just as I am sure the same goes for you. Will anyone ever fully understand. Nope. Do people try to understand sometimes. Sometimes people do not care enough to try. Sometimes they realize I am not worth their time. Maybe you fit into one category but who knows. I may never know just as all the fakes in my life previously have led me to believe they cared and turned and left me and lied claiming they would not. Lied well anyways I am just struggling and sometimes I just need to talk to more than just Jane I guess and so I called and I have learned to work with you. There was a time when I could not trust you and said I would never talk to you ever again. Now when I feel I am struggling and Jane is not available or I need someone else besides her you are the one I run to. Yeah I talk to family about my stressors but from a rational point rather than an emotional or wise mind point. So I will leave you be and hopefully tonight I will sleep as last night I was up and not home until I came home at 4:30 in the morning and then the night before I did not sleep at all and slept about 3 hours Saturday to make it up. My sleep has been messed up and disturbed all week but I guess it won’t matter too much. Well hope you understand better and life never treats you as it has me. I hope you a long and prosperous life and that when things look as despairing as mine does you have someone to call or write to too.

"Just push play" - An Experiment in Writing

"Just push play" - An Experiment in Writing