december 5 2008

Each day that passes I create more misery in my world. I try to fit in with others and be accepted but i really am not. They are just wanting me around to be as miserable as they are. I have never had a problem with people liking me but it has always been people who don't have anything to offer me as far as happiness and stability. it has always been drug addicts or people just as unstable as I am. I have always fit in well with these people and do whatever they do. I have now had a friend for about 8 months who has been good to me and helped me do some positive things in my life and now have completely almost pushed her out of my life because of my using drugs and inability to stabilize for any period of time because when I am not using drugs I am trying to kill myself or using self harm to cope with my feelings and thoughts about myself, my current and past life, and all that has happened in my very long 29 years of life. this all began with me as a little girl taken from my home and ripped from my family only for the foster home to not want me and for me to end up in a residential for troubled children where i was very angry little girl and learned to hurt others when i was angry. after several years of that i went home to my mom only for her to abuse me in many ways and for her boyfriend to sexually abuse me after 4 years of this and six weeks after my son was born i tried to kill myself and ended up in a psychiatric hospital ever since i then my coping has been to hurt myself but avoid hurting others physically because i am so angry at the world and myself especially for allowing my life to get this way and being unable to do anything about it and when i try to do something i end up in a worse mess than i was in before i tried stabilizing. now over the past 2 years drugs has become an alternative to cutting myself but yet i still yearn for the cutting since it is the only things that has truly relieved my emotional suffering. when i am using drugs with these people it is because they are or want to even when i don't want to or i feel i should not be i do it anyways. i continue to do this and try to move away from these people that i involve myself with but yet when i do i just get involved with others who are deeper into it. I have tried to kill myself more than a dozen times in the past 2 almost 3 years and have done nothing except end up in ICU a few times and end up in the psychiatric hospital or a crisis stabilization program for a few days to a couple weeks. Nothing is changing. nothing is getting better it pretty much as increasingly gotten worse. I increasingly try to get my life together and then fall flat on my face deeper in the ground than before i tried to get out of the trenches i have dug. my family hardly even calls me unless they or someone else needs something from me money or food and so on and so forth. although my life is at its stablest it has been in so long. i have a place to live. I pay my utilities. I have food in my house. I am in school and have been taking classes with straight A's for 2 semesters now and everyone wants me to get a hold of this and pull through all right i am not sure that is what I want. I want to just end it all. I am debating on pulling my ceiling apart to expose the framing and test my weight upon it. Since I have tried the overdose thing several times and gotten nowhere with it and at one time I tried drinking cleaner it that never worked either I guess I need to find something foolproof. Eventually I will succeed at killing myself and ending my misery so why don't someone just help me do it instead of prolonging the inevitable. I do live by the train tracks pretty much like a hundred feet from my back door and I have timed the trains coming by and though about it seriously but have not been able to got through with it. I have just to afraid. i guess I want a painless method that does not take much thought. i got my check today and have entertained the idea of purchasing a gun but do not want others around me to know and I can not purchase it legally. and all the peeps I know that could get one from the streets for me will do anything to stop me from doing it and sure will not help me get the means to do it. they enjoy me being miserable and giving into there wants needs and desires. they like everyone around them being in a hopeless situation in life because they are all older than I am and don't seem to want anything different and seem to enjoy their lives being miserable and smoking crack and not paying rent and having to live with their parents and friends who they can bring down with them they sure will help bring me down but yet wont help bring me up or out of this miserable world. I have tried to create the life i want with no amount of measurable progress so why keep failing at trying why not succeed at escaping. Someday soon I will submit and gain the courage and means to commit suicide without being able to be saved. I am setting my date and got to start saying my goodbyes without really saying goodbye so something is not suspected. I wont cry I will feel relief over the next few weeks since I know that after I die there will be no more pain and although others may suffer emotionally for a few days and cry most will not even be effected and some will feel relief that it is over and finally they no longer need to worry about me doing it or how they can save me because its too late my life is just waiting for me to give up and give into my suicide..

may 22 2008

well this morning had my first test of this 5 week crammed principles of psychology class i am taking and wont recieve my score until tuesday although i did get a 100 on my quiz yesterday but that was pretty simple it was match up type quiz and only 10 questions the test was 40 questions multiple choice and much more difficult than the quiz...the quiz didnt even represent the test at all i dont think i did too well but i guess i will have to wait and see...i have had alot of anxiety alot more than usual since starting schoool monday but i have been managing although the urges to self harm have been there i havent acted on them it has been 5 weeks and 2 days and i feel like i am downslidding back into the whole needing it and feelings of doing it and obsessiveness that comes along with the self harming i feel like my doing well for this period of time is coming to an end and i am worried because when i let things like this go and go without giving in i eventually do it but do it to a worse extent then if i just gave in but i am trying to not give into it this time i am finally doing something good for myself even if it is causing alot of anxiety and i need to continue doing it but june 20th is coming up so fast and i have my final on that day also and am afraid i will not be able to concentrate on the final because all my feelings and thoughts associated with the loss of my parental rights to my 4 youngest children last june 20th and originally i had planned to kill myself on that date but have been not really obsessing over that plan anymore and really have avoided thinkiing about it at all although after talking with some people today i realize i have a reservation still about it since i have managed to get a stock pile of some pills and am having a difficult time of letting that go and giving them up so i dont do it but also am not wanting to do it right now although i have them just incase so i am not sure what the future holds for me but right now i am just trying to get through day to day and stay self harm free even though i am falling back into the needing thinking

august 27 2008

its been a while since I have written but I am feeling stressed. I was doing great and maybe this weather has something to do with my mood but i am depressed, sad, angry, ashamed, and anxious. I have been house sitting for a friend and she lives in the country area about 5-6 miles from town so I am alone and without transportation. Well I guess if I really wanted I could walk somewhere but it would be tiresome and draining and I really am not in the mood to nor do I have the motivation at all to really do any sort of physical activity right now. I am lonely and bored. I was okay the first few days when I had lots to do and could be outside keeping myself and my mind busy. I was enjoying it so much but now I cant avoid my thoughts or feelings by keeping busy since it has been raining and pouring for over 24 hours. Well last night while sitting on the porch smoking a cigarrette and watching the rain fall I realized I had not even thought about or recognized the fact that the aniversary of a year since my last visit with my kids had past earlier in the month. I was angry with myself because I had not even recognized or thought about it never the less feel apart over it. It is like I had forgotten about it. I feel guilty and ashamed that such a heartwrenching time in my life was a year ago and I hadnt remembered at the time. Like I had forgotten about and moved oin from it. It angers me to even think I forgot about it never mind realize I actually had got through it and not falling apart and have been doing more positive things in my life lately that have kept me busy and not aqbale to think about more depressing hurtful painful things that happened. I have avoid these things that at one time on my life had consumed me and I allowed to control me. I am now sorta kinda controlling my life more than allowing my life to control me which is scary in a major way. I have never been able to do this and it is scary but on the other side of it it is positive and good I guess. I am not being consumed by so much negativity and hurt. Not to say that it is not there and that maybe I am just not dealing with myself and my hurt and pain and guilt and fear but I also am not being controlled by it which is a great step for me I guess.

I started my 5 online classes on monday and am a bit scared anxious and nervous about the history class. I never had done well when in school growing up with history and feel I might be biting off more than I can chew with all these classes at once but I also know I will do very well in the other 4 classes. So i guess if I dont do all that well in the history it will be okay I will have to accept it and move on with it not let it get me down although that is what I am afraid of happening. Right now I know I have good grades and have a positive attitude even if I am scared and nervous about it I know I did well in the last 2 classes so now I am competant and confident about my abilities to do well but I am afraid if i do poorly in this opne class that I will become negative and get too down on myself and I may give up since that is the pattern that has happened so many times in my life. But I know this so awareness is an important part of changing patterns I just hope I can. I hope I can recognize the positives rather than only looking at the negatives when the time comes. I will only know come the end of the semester when and if this occurs and see how I feel about it then.

any feedback or suggestions will be accepted and I hope to hear from some others around these issues. Take care all

may 12 2008

today has been a very productive day i believe it started out this morning getting something faxed that needed to be faxed for a housing application i was having my mother put in for me. then i met with the local nes station and did an interview about the treatment center closing that i utilize so much when i cant deal with sh*t happening in my life. then i went and got gas in the car went to my psychiatrist appointment which by time i got there i was wired and had a very hard time sitting still. from there i went to my relaxation group and group therapy where we had a going away party for someone that i have been friends with for along time who is moving to florida this weekend. after that i had to go get copies of court documents that prove that all mine and my husbands rights had been terminated in order for legal aid to proceed with my divorce filing. well i gave them copies which they took copies of and gave them back to me. I preceded to read them and when i did my mood just dropped instantly and i began to start thinking bout self harm whuich yesturday i just couldnt get it out of my head but i did not act on my urges to cut myself. well its weird because only a few times in my life have i self harmed by punching walls and breaking my bone in my hand well a few weeks ago i went through all thses obsessive thoughts about wanting to break my hand by smashing with a hammer. well a bit ago i found myself beginning to tap my hand with the hammer on top where the bones are closer to the surface but it wasnt enough i wanted to do it harder and i want to break my hand but i dont know why this is how i want to harm myself i just cant get the thinking and wanting to do it out of my head. why dont i just cut instead where i know that will help me become numb and emotionless. why do i feel the need to break my bone i have broken one bone in the other hand once and caused my hand to swell up several times as if it was broken but never has been since then but why now is this the way i am obsessing on hurting myself.i really want to but am trying not to do it

january 20 2008

I feel trapped with endless amounts of shame and guilt that I have inside. It keeps me tied down and unable to become what my kids will need most when and if the desire to find me years from now. these painful and heart wrenching memories continue stabbing me deep in my already shredded heart that seems more and more unfixable as the days go by and my pains continue not to subside. I continue to think about how someone else is holding them and comforting them through this difficult time in their lives like they have been for the past 2 years and cant help to feel like these thoughts are unbearable and I feel the suffocation as my many thoughts race through my mind and penetrate my soul. I know I will never get rid of this heartache and mend my broken heart. Without them I am not whole and don’t believe I ever will feel whole without them in my life. No one will ever know how empty I feel without them and this burning pain I have in my heart will not subside as long as they are gone from my life. I am blinded by the fear I feel not knowing where they are how they are doing and seeing that they are okay without me there by their sides. I wish that someday I will mean something to them and be important in their lives but yet I somehow doubt I will even matter to any of them. I know that they may not want anything to do with me and that will hurt and be more devastating knowing I waited all those years and none of them care to have me in their lives. I just want to end my own life before that occurs and it is so unbearable that I take my life then and they feel it was there fault for not wanting me around. I continue to struggle day after day with these unthinkable thoughts and wonder if it is best just for me not to wait and get it over with now. if I were just able to provide them with the world and give them all they needed wanted and yearned for and I lost them then I may not feel so alone and ashamed of myself for failing them. I would know I did all I could but none of that is true I know I gave up way before I should have and didn’t have it in me to fight for them. as much as I try to avoid the reality of it all I know deep in my soul the truth and know that there were many things I should have done starting years ago when they were younger although they are still young I should have did many things that I just continued to let go and rather turn away as if none of it was important. But in reality it was what destroyed us as a family. My failure to protect them and give them what they deserved safety and stability.

january 20 2008

How can it be that I continue to go on without any of my lifelines I had. How is it that I am able to lay here thinking of them and still somehow carry on instead of being gone. I have believed that there is no possible way for me to keep going on without them here with me and without me being able to hold them and care for them. I feel numb most of the days but yet it gets me by and somehow I continue to survive this pain I have inside. I wish they were here with me so I could hold them tight. I would never let them go again if I had the chance to be with them.

january 20 2008

Why s it that I can not just forget about all this pain I have deep inside. I can not say sorry to them for all the pain I put them through for the many things they endured and witnessed. They did not deserve to go through what they experienced in there short lives. They have experienced such big losses in their lives and at such critical ages how will they ever get by and become what they deserve and dream of.