Letter to my therapist

Marianne,

I know today was somewhat of a start and I realize it is much easier for me to write about stuff rather than face you and talk about it. This is somewhat of what needs to happen for me to work through stuff but it is scary. I feel like it is difficult for me to get into it and when I begin to I start and then shutdown and close up. I know you have heard it all before and you are not going to see me any different but yet I feel like it is too hard to do and I tend to push you away as I feel things are beginning to get to a point where I begin to be able to open this stuff up and face. It is very difficult just sitting there in that room with you talking to you about things I have never talked about. Yes it is much easier for me to open up by writing but not sure it really does me much good since I am more distanced when writing and not so much involved in the shame and guilt that runs through me as I sit there feeling exposed and like a fucking tiny ant under a microscope. Sometimes even after writing to you it is hard for me to come into therapy without feeling as you are looking me over and trying to see the damage I have and it sometimes feels like I have things in big red bold letters all over me telling everyone to use me I am easy hurt me and whatever else I think at different times. I need to face this stuff but yet sometimes feel incapable of dealing with it and being unashamed. I felt like shutting down today and at times I did. It always seems when this shit comes up I have to throw up the wanting to kill myself. It is usually deterrence for me and a way I am able to get others to get away from the subject but it was not working today. I sometimes feel like by wanting to kill myself I won’t have to face anything and actually expose any of the secrets I hold inside. I have struggled a lot lately with trying to find a good enough reason to give up and let go but even facing some things I have been doing and exposing the secrets somewhat has not given me an actually good reason to go through with it. When I came to see you it was difficult and things have been going on that have caused me some panic and fear. I feel sometimes like I am who I was back when things happened and I knew they should not have been going on but I was unable to say anything. I allowed the stuff to go on knowing it was wrong. I felt as the was the only way to have someone care about me and he showed me I mattered. Now I place myself in situations or set up stuff that places me back then when I felt it was what needed to be done to be cared about. I felt special I feel wanted. No one ever cares or wants me around unless sexual things occur. I have set myself up to feel not in control. Sometimes I think I want it even when I feel I do not. I place myself in whatever happens and I have set the basis for things to happen. Back when I was a younger I think I did the same types of stuff. I slept with many people and placed myself in dangerous situations to feel something. Sometimes I am just numb and need to feel something anything. I feel helpless a lot but yet it has been my fault. I have teased men only to feel helpless when they want to do things. I had a difficult time this morning as a situation that has been playing out for some time now came close to happening I kind of panicked as I had not been exposed to that since I was a teenager and a whirl of confusion messed with my mind and I had to get away. I know none of this matters really because writing about just distances me from it and I feel unthreatened but t yet I cannot say it and be okay. I wanted to hide from you as it seemed alls you do is look at me and see the disgustingness of me. Sometimes I feel as if everyone knows and can tell all the nasty shit I have done. I violate myself and have allowed myself to be violated at the expense of being wanted and cared about and have placed myself in this stuff my whole life. When you give people mixed messages what can you expect. You cannot expect to play with fire over and over again without being burned. I sometimes feel I deserve the pain I expose myself to and then other times I can see that I need to run and hide and get away but yet I am trapped there is nowhere to go and I have no way of getting there. I have never been able to get away. I have always felt incapable and helpless. I feel like it is out of my control. I cannot control what happens. I can’t control how he made me feel but yet I know it is wrong and should not be happening. I have felt weird through the years know he is my father’s brother and my mother’s boyfriend but yet I still chase it wait for it and need it. I needed it. I am not quite sure how I get through each night but it continued for a long time. I sometimes feel like I pursued it back then and now. My head has been pounding for hours and I have cried and been hurt and talked and screwed my mind up all day. I felt relieved for a bit and felt okay like some sort of strange mellow peace overcame me for a bit. Then I broke after getting home and being by myself for a while then I have cried off and on and wanted to give up on living. Trying to plan it out right and wanted this all to stop wishing life would stop but it won’t it just keeps going and I must keep struggling as things happen. I must keep allowing it in order to get by. I have been so confused today and feel unorganized and unable to get away. My head hurts I have cried I have thought I have felt unable to face this but I am done. I need to do something. I have wanted to hide from it. I want to hide from you. I know what you think and I know it’s not far from the truth but I will get away I can escape it. Right now I just have to experience and feel it. I need some sleep I want to cut and not feel what I feel but I cannot escape. I do not think that is going to get me out of this. I am not sure that is the answer anymore. Maybe I need to go where no o ne knows who I am and what I do but every time I seem to do that it seems they can see it and it is like I hold a huge sign up above me telling everyone who I am what I have done and how to get me to do what you want me to do. I hate being me. I hate doing what I do. I hate existing. Why am I still here? Why am I still fighting for the impossible? What is all this going to lead to? I need a reason. I need for someone to let me give up and be okay with it. I want it to be okay to give up and for people to accept me as the quitter I am and have always been. I need someone to help me finish.

confusion and peace within

Somethings changed and I am not really sure how or why or when this happened. I am not sure I can even pinpoint the change but I know it is there for now and not sure whether it is good, bad, or indifferent.
I do not have the energy to figure out what has changed but I know that I have thought about cutting just to prove to myself it has not. Yes cutting has crossed my mind but lately it feels more like it is not the answer to anything anymore. Lately I feel like life is so unpredictable but yet appears somewhat predictable. It appears life is more than it really is and people make it out to be an important thing when really it is nothing more nothing less. I have felt somewhat as nothing really is what I have always felt it was. Things happen and I feel it but yet can not escape it anymore then I wanna run and hide.
I have thought about suicide and really am not sure how I feel about it lately although it seems definitive and an end to a lot of pain and suffering. I guess it just has not really been the option I have been looking for and seems to just be my way of escaping what I have or have nto been going through in these almost 30 years of life. I am not quite sure is what I so desire anymore but I am not sure I desire or want anything that I used to. Committing suicide takes a lot of energy to finally commit to and go through with. It takes a build up of courage which I can not achieve.
This it ran through my head several times about needing hospitalization, needing medication, needing more than what I have been doing in life. If I ever really want to get somewhere and where I want to get I am not sure but I may need more than this. I do not know what I need or what I want. I amk not sure about much lately except the feel of fakeness. People do not understand I am not normal. They do not understand I can play the part ofr just so long before I can not do that anymore. No one really sees or understands that I am not who I make myself seem like. But then who am and how am I supposed to be.
Lately there has been a lot of change within me but yet I am not sure how. I know some of it has been my realizing I want to cut but just not doing it because it is not going to work for what I want to erase. I also have realized that I use the talk of killing myself and dying as an escape from whatever I am facing or feeling inorder to avoid what is reality or not. I am not even sure the energy I put into attempting suicide has ever really been there as if it was I would have already achieved it. I am beginning to realize there is somesort of peace within me that is there asnd no matter how much people try to break through it it stays lately.
I can not be in a relationship as I can not be with myself. Relationships are commitment sthat I can nto make. I can not make the commitment to someone else that I can not make to myself. I can not continue struggling to be what I think is expected of me or that I believe others want me to be. I can not be a mom. I can nto be a girlfriend,. I can not be a neighbor. And I sure can not be a friend. As I try to play these roles I find I only hurt the people on the other side of the relationship more than I am hurting and I do not want that. I do not like to or want to hurt anyone. I am not sure I really want to hurt myself anymore. But I also am not sure what else to do so what have I been doing popping whatever pills I can and sleeping. Hoping the answer will be there when I wake up. Bbut it has not come to me yet.
I was up all night crying and wanting to escape as at times it was hard to breathe trying to talk through the confusion and make someone understand they do not want to be with me as I have too many issues. Alls it did was make me more confused as they claim they will be here through whatever and they need me right now as they are having difficulties. I try to explain the complication of myself to him trying to get him to see the difficulties I have in relationships and life. But he is blinded it is as if a lot of people are blinded and all I do is hurt them. I do not want to hurt others. I do not want to be hurt. But yet I am drawn into and live in a world that thrives on hurt. The world is nothing more than a big revolving place to be hurt. It thrives on people suffering and I am not sure that is what I want anymore. I am not sure I want much anymore. I just want to keep the peace whether that means I stop breathing and no longer exist or whether that means something more I am not sure. I am just allowing myself as confused and conflicted as I am to be with it and experience it right now. I am not sure the peace is not numbing but it is acceptable for me right now.

Swidget 1.0

Feeling conflicted and abandoned I guess for lack of better wording

In some way I am some what confused about feelings maybe more thoughts than feelings. I do not know I guess what it is. I keep feeling sad and as if I am on the brink of breaking down in tears. I feel let go. I know she said she was not giving up on me but it seems this is what happens after the 2 1/2 years mark with most therapists I have if it even makes it that far. I feel somewhat of a fuck her attitude regarding her attitude lately but yet I also feel as if I am the lost cause I have always believed I am. In some ways I know deep down I probably do not need therapy anymore as I do know what I need to do in life but yet i am torn between the determination, dedication, desire, confidence, competence, and possibly the ability within myself to doing all this and the hopelessness, helplessness, capabilities, desperation, and possibilities of really being able to get through much more and living instead of just managing life. Although I am an educated soemwhat streetwise and intelligent person I always fall into the helplessness and dependence on others even when I do not trust anyone I trust people too much. I am an independant person and fight for my ability to be independant and tell people of my not needing them or anyone but yet I am very dependent on others. I do not survive without socialization and needing people around me. I want peace within myself and my life but yet I love to get right in the mix when there is chaos occuring I am right up in it but yet then can nto really stand the drama and chaos/ I am conflicted. I hate to be alone but yet when I have someone here I want them gone but when they leave I get angry they leave me here. I live alone and like it but yet I hate being here at my place alone. I hate living with people but hate living alone. I guess with all the therapy and mental health treatment I have gotten since the age of 4 by time I turn 30 next month I would have been in treatment more than out of treatment and never really gotten as far as expected. It seems people expect progress or expect degress but yet i am pretty much more always at a stand still. Yeah I progress a but but i degress a bit also. It seems I have never really moved in any direction permantly or gone in one direction for long cause if I am going forward I end up going backwards shortly after and flip flopping back and forth rather than continuing on one path or the other. Am I even making any sense probably not but yet I think this way constantly. I begin to trust someone or something and then for no apparent reason I become cautious and then have no trust in them and become suspicious and unable to express anything to them really. I am liked by many but yet then I try to push these same people that like me to hate me. I am a jealous person I guess and causes me anger and disgust where none should be. I feel I need someone else to take control over me and my life but yet fight tooth and nail when anyone takes any sort of control away from me. I want to be controlled but yet want to be in control. I want to die so desperatly want ot end my life but yet have had some sort of fear of what I may do to myself recently. I wonder what will happen when I am gone. How will people feel? Will it effect thier lives to a point that it interferes with them or will they be able to cope and move one quite quickly. will they be angry with me or will they understand my inability to face my pain anymore? I am not sure all these things I have been questioning alot within myself lately. Why? I am not sure. I do well but yet I really do bad. Things improve in my life and with me and my situation and I sabotage it and make my life worse I guess. I do things with others and seem fine but yet deep down I am not happy not smiling not enjoying myself but yet it seems I am at times. I dont know any more. I am gonna go for now.

Confliction with my mind and feelings i guess

In some way I am some what confused about feelings maybe more thoughts than feelings. I do not know I guess what it is. I keep feeling sad and as if I am on the brink of breaking down in tears. I feel let go. I know she said she was not giving up on me but it seems this is what happens after the 2 1/2 years mark with most therapists I have if it even makes it that far. I feel somewhat of a fuck her attitude regarding her attitude lately but yet I also feel as if I am the lost cause I have always believed I am. In some ways I know deep down I probably do not need therapy anymore as I do know what I need to do in life but yet i am torn between the determination, dedication, desire, confidence, competence, and possibly the ability within myself to doing all this and the hopelessness, helplessness, capabilities, desperation, and possibilities of really being able to get through much more and living instead of just managing life. Although I am an educated soemwhat streetwise and intelligent person I always fall into the helplessness and dependence on others even when I do not trust anyone I trust people too much. I am an independant person and fight for my ability to be independant and tell people of my not needing them or anyone but yet I am very dependent on others. I do not survive without socialization and needing people around me. I want peace within myself and my life but yet I love to get right in the mix when there is chaos occuring I am right up in it but yet then can nto really stand the drama and chaos/ I am conflicted. I hate to be alone but yet when I have someone here I want them gone but when they leave I get angry they leave me here. I live alone and like it but yet I hate being here at my place alone. I hate living with people but hate living alone. I guess with all the therapy and mental health treatment I have gotten since the age of 4 by time I turn 30 next month I would have been in treatment more than out of treatment and never really gotten as far as expected. It seems people expect progress or expect degress but yet i am pretty much more always at a stand still. Yeah I progress a but but i degress a bit also. It seems I have never really moved in any direction permantly or gone in one direction for long cause if I am going forward I end up going backwards shortly after and flip flopping back and forth rather than continuing on one path or the other. Am I even making any sense probably not but yet I think this way constantly. I begin to trust someone or something and then for no apparent reason I become cautious and then have no trust in them and become suspicious and unable to express anything to them really. I am liked by many but yet then I try to push these same people that like me to hate me. I am a jealous person I guess and causes me anger and disgust where none should be. I feel I need someone else to take control over me and my life but yet fight tooth and nail when anyone takes any sort of control away from me. I want to be controlled but yet want to be in control. I want to die so desperatly want ot end my life but yet have had some sort of fear of what I may do to myself recently. I wonder what will happen when I am gone. How will people feel? Will it effect thier lives to a point that it interferes with them or will they be able to cope and move one quite quickly. will they be angry with me or will they understand my inability to face my pain anymore? I am not sure all these things I have been questioning alot within myself lately. Why? I am not sure. I do well but yet I really do bad. Things improve in my life and with me and my situation and I sabotage it and make my life worse I guess. I do things with others and seem fine but yet deep down I am not happy not smiling not enjoying myself but yet it seems I am at times. I dont know any more. I am gonna go for now.

Left therapy hopeless and abandoned then sent this email to her with no response

So it is that simple I guess. Not quite sure it really is as simple as you just made it. I feel so hopeless right now. There is nothing left to fight for. Nothing to keep going. The drive home felt like forever trying to hold the tears in. I guess reality is hitting. I see the fight is gone there is nothing really worth holding onto. No one is really reliable. I see how simple is for people to just walk away and let go of. Why is it that people can let go of me so easily but yet I have such a hard time letting go of people places or things. Have you decided I am not worth it no more. I know things are just difficult and I am not really doing anything but I told you that 2 years ago. You are just now confirming that. Are you giving up? I gave up a long time ago. I knew there was never a chance. There never has been a chance. Why now? What did I do this time rather than all the other times when I wanted you to give up and see things were never going to get any better. I guess this is it. I guess its up to me now. Not sure I am strong enough to make it through but do u you really think that I ever believed that anyone really ever cared and was going to fight for me? NO, I never could really trust or believe any of you. I never said you had to do case management that was something you took on. Yes you could have let go a few months back when I was not seeing Pam but that was a decision you made or the agency made or whatever. I am not sure. Why now throw it back in my face. Okay so maybe I do not know all that is happening but neither do you. Yes it may seem I have control over so much but when things are happening it just feels I have no control. I know you say these things are up to me to control but I just CAN NOT control any of it. Yeah decisions are a struggle for me but yet it seems when I do make a decision it is never the right one. Even when it is a decision that is good for me it seems all it is chalked up to be in my mind is not what it really is. I sometimes really believe things will get better but it appears that is not ever going to happen. I can not do this on my own but yet it seems I am alone in this world. Sometimes when I am around others even doing some of the things I do I feel normal. I feel okay but inside I know this stuff is wrong but can not stop it. Just like when I was a teenager I knew the stuff should not be going on it was wrong but yet I felt trapped like there was nothing I could do about it. I did nothing about it. I just kept allowing it to happen and when it happened it felt like I mattered and someone really cared about me. Things in my life currently feel the same way. I hang out with people. Do things with them. Drugs, sexual stuff, codependency stuff and in the midst of it it seems okay. It seems there is really normalcy in my life but when I am alone by myself and I think about it and feel trapped in it. I know it is not the right things, I know its not having a life, I know it is not what “NORMAL” people do but yet its my destiny I guess. I feel so unable to really control it even though you say it is within my control. Sleeping forever seems so contentful but yet so scary so I am living some fantasy trying to live in a fucked up world, a fucked up life, trying to convince myself that NORMALCY is possible. I suppose what I am doing now is the most peace I will have within my life. This actually may be the most normal things have ever been for me. I am not sure maybe the life I am leading currently is normal! Yeah I am sleeping a lot. Yeah I am socializing. Even if that socialization costs me. What does it cost? Material things? Who cares? Money is not everything! Do I need it probably not. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests basic needs food, water, and shelter as a foundation for all humans. I am not sure any of that is what is need for me to achieve the contentment I am seeking. I have food water, and shelter. I have more than that but still have no foundation My son is sleeping and was when I walked in the door. I feel so alone but yet he is here my dog is here and I have people in the neighborhood I could go see but yet I sit here writing this wondering why I even bother. I always believe there is something I am missing and try to seek it but yet can not figure out what it is. If I never know I am always seeking something that has no true way of helping me since it is not ever really missing. I never had a whole lot to begin with so really what is it that I am seeking or missing? I know a lot of this probably does not seem valid to you or anyone else but there is a void that no matter what I do never really fulfills anything. That void was there before my kids were born it was there as a child and now it is still here. Yeah my kids may have blocked it but I felt a void somewhat then. Not to the extent I feel it now but it was there. I never really do as well as I expect and anything I ever expect to work does not work. Anything I allow others to lead me towards that is supposed to work or help ends up not what I expected. If I always fail then why keep trying. If I do not try then I won’t fail. That also means that I will never succeed either. So it is a no win situation but also seems that trying has not helped either. I still fail and can not seem to succeed.

letter to my baby girl

June 10, 2009
Winter
Each day that passes as you grow I wonder how you are. I have wondered about you for a while now and wish I was with you as you grew. I know that you were very young when all this separation occurred. I feel guilty for not spending more time with you. When you were born there were many things happening and there was so much chaos happening in our family. Dakoata was soon to turn 1 year and Autumn and Daniel returned home from foster care when you were 9 days old. During the transition for them to come home from foster there were many things going on and your father and I just had never been able to get along. I feel ashamed for not giving you the time as I was able to give to the other kids and I apologize for not giving you what you deserved and needed. You were a great baby although you just could not handle all that was happening around you. Deep inside it hurts me to know I was unable to care for you the way you needed and to keep things calm around you in order for you to develop and grow as you needed. I am sorry I was unable to be the mom you needed. Since that day that I lost you I have had many regrets for those 11 months we were together. There were many struggles and I know you need more than what I was able to give you. I can not take any of what happened back and I know you do not even know me as your mother. I never deserved to have children and sometimes wish I ad listened to others when they told me not to have anymore that the ones I had was enough. I do not regret having you. You are such a beautiful girl and I wish the best for all of you in the future. I only hope that your life is happy and full of joy as you grow. Things have not been easy for me and at times it has seemed somewhat bearable since losing you. But deep down is this emptiness and sorrow that can never be filled as hard as I try to lesson the pain I have I am still hurting. I know things are better for you without me and wish that you were old enough for me to explain all this to you when we parted our lives and went our separate ways. I still see your smile from time to time as you learn each new thing. I am sorry I had to give you a poor start to life which at this time is such a precious thing for you to have. I wish I could say the same for my life but I know your life is deserved. I wish you all the best in the future and want for things to be normal for you as you grow and with each new day steps closer to your goals and dreams that you may have or will some day have. You are a tough little girl and I love you so much. I want you to know and someday understand that the path I am taking is not the path I want for any of you kids. I never want for you to hurt and even think about doing anything that I am doing. I want for you kids to follow your dreams and enjoy life. It is too late for me but it is not too late for all of you. Keep those smiles on your faces and stay strong. Know in your heart I loved you so much and just could not handle being here without all of you. It has torn me and caused me heartache being separated from you and fearing never seeing any of you again. None of this is any of your faults as I have a hard time facing life and all that comes with it. I am not doing this to cause any of you hurt or sorrow but to give you all finality in your lives knowing I am not out here looking and waiting for you. I love you and your sister and brothers and wish you all the best.
Love you Always,
Mom