Saturday, June 6, 2009
What am i still here for? Nothing Left.
I n January 2006 my children were removed from my home for domestic violence issues. After they were removed, it was not much time before my stability with my mental health deteriated to the point I could not get it back together to regain custody of them. Back when I was 15, I had my first child and within 6 weeks, I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I had had mental health issues since I was a very young child and was removed from my home for abuse by my parents and relatives. From That first hospitalization, it took me 5 years to stabilize and my mother had my child from the time he was born. He just turned 14 a few days ago. When I got pregnant in 2000 with my second child I stabilized and stopped trying to if myself and stopped harming myself altogether. I now had a reason to go on. I then got married and had three more children during the next 5 years. Although the marriage was rocky from the start and there was repeated abuse occurring I was mentally stable. I had not harmed myself since May 2000 and had not been hospitalized since then either. My children were removed from my home for neglect due to the witnessing of the abuse that was occurring. After the children were removed, the state used the mental health history of both my husband and I to keep the children in foster care. They used records from back when I was a child in their custody against me. Within 6 weeks of the children’s removal, I was completely unstable and back to harming myself and trying to off myself. I felt there was nothing left for me to live for. Eighteen months later my parental rights were terminated due to my mental health instability and my inability to get my life back on track and feeling there was a reason to go on. Now it has been 3 years since the removal and 18 months since the termination hearing where I lost my parental rights. I have gotten a divorce and have finished 2-fulltime semester in college and am starting my third. I have become a lot more stable even though it has been a rough and rocky road and there are many days that I feel and believe I cannot proceed in life. Nevertheless, I keep trudging. I cannot figure out how or why I am still alive. I have nothing left to live for. My children are all adopted off except my 14 year old and I can never see them until they are of age and that is if they decide to seek me out and want something to do with me. Now what do I do for the next 10 years? The oldest of the four that are gone is 8 and the youngest is 4 years old. Then I have my 7 year old and one that is 5. I have a long wait ahead of me. What if they don’t want anything to do with me? I would have kept struggling for all these years to come for nothing.
Pressured into Sex seems to be second Nature for me
Since I was a teenager I have felt the only thing to do is just fade away while having sex since no matter whether i want it or not or whether i say not right now or no it happens anyways. so when i get into a situation sexually now i atomatically fade even when it is not unwanted sex. i am their but i am not. like i know mentally what is occuring but yet i do not feel any of it. i have been repeatedly in situations where i have not wanted to have sex but yet have had it just to get it over with. for an 8 year marriage this occured repeatedly. it started before we got married right after our son was born. he was conceived on a one noght stand with my ex-husband and he did not bother with me until after the baby was born. then when my son was 4 weeks old he pressured me into sex even though the doctor had said not to have intercourse for 6 weeks. i ended up prgnant with our daughter and then married him because of the pressure form his mother not to have another baby until we were married. well it just got worse and the last time it happened was when i ended up having to get a protective order the next morning because he had become aggressive during it and because i was adiment that i did not want it after finding out he may have molested our daughter. now divorced with 3 kids by him and our parental rights terminated i am still left with the scars of the marriage along witht he loss of our babies and my childhood and teenage abuse.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Just a brief bit of my secrets of the life of me
I have been in the mental health system since I was very young like 4 years old after being sexually abused and then was taken by the state and placed in foster care which inturn did not work out and I ended up going from there to a residential from june 87? till sometime in 1991. While there it was a constant battle between me and the staff and anyone in authority. I had alot of anger and hurt inside but would not deal with it I refused to speak about anything and never resolved anything from the past while there during all the therapy and all. I final,ly went home after several med changes and them feeling there was not much more they could do for me. Well my mom had had custody of us for i believ e 2 years before i came home and my brother and sister had been home for quite a while. My other brother was still in the residential i was in and came home shortly after i did. But he did what he needed to to come home i was basically unhelpable. It was not long after that that i was physically mentally and emotionally abused regualrly by my20mother who i believe never wanted me and if given the choice she would only have fought for the 3 youngest children since I was the oldest of us 4. My dad was not really involved most of the time and we his children out of convenience pretty much. My mother began dating my fathers older brother when I was 12. He began to sexually abuse me not long after their dating begin that happened for i believe almost 4 years. although i got prgnant with my oldest son at 15 and thought it was his as he was having full intercourse with me while my mother worked nights and then days also as she was employed fulltime at 2 places. I still do not know who my sons father is as after the molestation began I became promiscus and had sex regualrly with men i did not know while at the park and around my fathers house when we visited him. Around the same time he was conceived i was placed on depakote and zoloft by my psychiatrist and told and that my cycle could be irregualr so i did not know i was pregant until i was 5 months. i had already turned 15
and had to make a decision on what to do of course i was not giving him up and not having an abortion. He was born in january 95. valentines day i threatened to kill myself at school where i was attending which was an alternative school because i was kicked out of public within 2 months of beginning there full time in 8th grade. I was hospitalized and was there for quite a while unable to let the secrets out20and unable to get things together. This is where i began self harming and ended up in a residential for adolescents which from there i was repeatedly in and out of hospitals and finally placed in an intensive resdential for teenagers. it was locked and very strict. the almost 4 years i was there i was out of control and constantly restricted and aggressive to myself and others. when i turned 19 they threatened to send me to the state hospital if i did nto go with out restriction for 90 days which i ended up making it abotu 70 but already had a placement in a group home for adults with with mental illness. after going there i left within 10 days and lived on the streets. unwanted by my family and not wanting to be at the shelter since it was co ed and a wet shelter. i went to day treatment daily and began dbt but chose to continue in and out of hospitals for quite some time after that for overdosing and self harming behavoirs and once for threatening to blow the mental health place up. I still was primiscuous i guess and believed i owed sex to men and if they wanted it i had to give it to them and still have great differculties with this and saying no.
and had to make a decision on what to do of course i was not giving him up and not having an abortion. He was born in january 95. valentines day i threatened to kill myself at school where i was attending which was an alternative school because i was kicked out of public within 2 months of beginning there full time in 8th grade. I was hospitalized and was there for quite a while unable to let the secrets out20and unable to get things together. This is where i began self harming and ended up in a residential for adolescents which from there i was repeatedly in and out of hospitals and finally placed in an intensive resdential for teenagers. it was locked and very strict. the almost 4 years i was there i was out of control and constantly restricted and aggressive to myself and others. when i turned 19 they threatened to send me to the state hospital if i did nto go with out restriction for 90 days which i ended up making it abotu 70 but already had a placement in a group home for adults with with mental illness. after going there i left within 10 days and lived on the streets. unwanted by my family and not wanting to be at the shelter since it was co ed and a wet shelter. i went to day treatment daily and began dbt but chose to continue in and out of hospitals for quite some time after that for overdosing and self harming behavoirs and once for threatening to blow the mental health place up. I still was primiscuous i guess and believed i owed sex to men and if they wanted it i had to give it to them and still have great differculties with this and saying no.
Missed group today
Well I missed Dbt group today due to my medicaid transportation issue for today but i was aware of it friday afternoon and had informed my therapist who is the group leader of the issue. My son has been here since Friday and I am beginning to be angry with my brother and his wife for doing what they do and treating my son as if he is not important and does not matter. They put him on the back burner and treat him as a live in babysitter but yet do not give him a damn thing except negativity and put downs. I am tryin to use my skills like turn the mind and GIVE/FAST from interpesonal effectiveness module but it is difficult when I am not completely in my wise mind. My son is the only child I have left in this world that I can see and my brother does not communicate with me regarding him at all. I try to communicate on my end but is difficult when there is no communication from the other parties and my brothers wife treats him wrong and also believes that my mother who has raised my son since birth until last summer and I should have no say and they do not need to discuss what is happening with my child with me or my mother when she can not even deal with her own children effectively.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The chaos of my Borderline this weekend
Well things have gone pretty well I have been hanging with some people in my neighborhood that like me for who I am but I almost feel as if I have been sucked into drama and being who I am not. I had un we went out Friday night t Friday night cheers with a live local band there and drinks. While there it was fun and I rank 5 smirnoff ice then proceeded over to the liquor store before heading home. When we returned to the trailer park we were bombarded by the drunks who wanted our liquor and because we did not give them some they caused somewhat of a problem and ended it with the police coming.
Saturday we decided tostay at our end of the trailer park and we were having a great time. We were enjoying the cookout and had some peeps over when one of the drunks came down here being nosy and thinking he could do what he wanted and his wife would pick the pieces up after he got beat. But instead his wife came down here and told me I was crazy for even standing up to her and I told her she claims she is crazy and pushed her. She proceeded to push me and I socked her in the face. She then grabbed me by the thraot and I punched her again and she let go and walked away onlyto call the police on me whci in turned back fired and I went and obtained a warrant for her at the magistrates office. She still has not been arrested although there is a warrant for her arrest and she should be being picked up shortly.
Through all this it was nice to have people like me and proud of me and having a good time but I just feel that that is not who I am and I do not like fighting or being in the mix of chaos and drama. I actually like when I hibernate in my house sitting on the computer wasting my life away on the internet. But being borderline is difficult and I find myself unable to be with me at times ad I try to get in the drama and be liked by everyone without them knowing who I really am but when it comes down to it I am not me when I am with them. I wish I really knew who I was whatI liked and soon and so forth. I wish I was somebody who people liked without having to become what everyone else is or who everyone else wants me to act like.
Saturday we decided tostay at our end of the trailer park and we were having a great time. We were enjoying the cookout and had some peeps over when one of the drunks came down here being nosy and thinking he could do what he wanted and his wife would pick the pieces up after he got beat. But instead his wife came down here and told me I was crazy for even standing up to her and I told her she claims she is crazy and pushed her. She proceeded to push me and I socked her in the face. She then grabbed me by the thraot and I punched her again and she let go and walked away onlyto call the police on me whci in turned back fired and I went and obtained a warrant for her at the magistrates office. She still has not been arrested although there is a warrant for her arrest and she should be being picked up shortly.
Through all this it was nice to have people like me and proud of me and having a good time but I just feel that that is not who I am and I do not like fighting or being in the mix of chaos and drama. I actually like when I hibernate in my house sitting on the computer wasting my life away on the internet. But being borderline is difficult and I find myself unable to be with me at times ad I try to get in the drama and be liked by everyone without them knowing who I really am but when it comes down to it I am not me when I am with them. I wish I really knew who I was whatI liked and soon and so forth. I wish I was somebody who people liked without having to become what everyone else is or who everyone else wants me to act like.
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